by Royce Armstrong

“Dad, you’re going to be a grandfather.” My son was calling from his Naval base. He could have told me anything else on earth and I would not have been more surprised. At first I thought he was joking. I waited for the punch line. It was no joke.

He had come home on leave a few weeks earlier. He had met a girl. We knew very little about her. They had dated while he was home. It turns out they had kept contact, calling, writing and e-mailing to each one another. Soon after he had gone back to his base she discovered she was pregnant. They were, of course, not married.

It took a few moments for what he was saying to sink in. How could this happen? (Stupid question.) What was he going to do about it? (We are Catholic. Another stupid question.) How could he let this happen? (My first sensible question.) Surprise rolled over into anger. We ended up slamming down the phones in anger.

A jillion things raced through my mind. I was barely in my 40’s. I was too young to be a grandparent. What were our friends going to think? What was our pastor going to think? How were these two kids going to get along raising a baby? What was the mother really like? After all, we barely knew her. How were they going to be able to build a marriage relationship with a baby in the middle of all of that adjustment? How were they going to start a family with him in the Navy and away at sea part of the time?

Sure, I wanted to be a grandparent someday. Just not yet and not this way.

The next few months were a period of change and adjustment for all of us. It wasn’t easy.

One of the toughest adjustments was accepting that my son was stepping into both adulthood and fatherhood. He was barely out of high school. He still had two years remaining on his Navy enlistment. Suddenly he was no longer the boy, who it seemed like only yesterday I had been scolding for not cleaning his room, taking out the garbage and for denting a fender on the car.

A girl we barely knew was suddenly part of the family. We had to quickly develop a relationship with her. Like my son, she seemed so young. Was this girl really going to be the mother of my grandchild?

And then he was born. He was so tiny. I had forgotten how small a new baby is. The first time I held him I swear he smiled at me. I knew we were going to be buddies. They tell me he was too young to really smile. I know better. In that moment I caught a glimpse, in my mind’s eye, of all of the fishing trips, ball games and camp outs we were going to share.

Suddenly none of the would’ve, could’ve, should have’s counted for a thing. A new little innocent person, who had no say at all in the matter, had just been born. The only thing that mattered from that day forward was giving him everything that family love and support can possibly provide.

That is what we have been learning to do. Along the way I have picked up a few tips to share.

1. It is your child’s home, your child’s rules. A role reversal takes place. When your child establishes a home, you are a guest. The rules change. You are no longer in charge’ and you are sharing your child’s life in a new way. Respect that and be grateful for the opportunity.

2. Offer to give the parents a break. Babies and small children demand constant attention. This level of attention day after day and week after week is wearing on anyone. Offer to give your child and his or her spouse a break. Even a break of a few hours can be a very welcome gift.

3. Do not criticize. Your child and his or her partner are going to do things and say things that you wouldn’t do or say. They are going to make mistakes. Don’t criticize them for those mistakes. Your criticism will not be received well and will get in the way of your relationship. Besides, you’ve made plenty of mistakes of your own. They are entitled to theirs.

4. Offer advice only when asked. It is a funny thing about advice. The more you offer it, the less it is appreciated. The less you offer advice, the more it’s sought. That truism has never been more valid than dealing with an adult child.

5. The world has changed. The parenting styles and discipline techniques your children use may be different than those you employed. Most likely the techniques you used were different than those of your parents. You may not always agree with your children, but as long as everyone is safe from harm, with food and shelter, accept them. If you did a good job teaching your children your basic values, they will not stray far from them, regardless the techniques used.

6. Make time to be a grandparent. Most people I know that are my age live very hectic, busy lives. We are at the height of our careers. Most of us are healthy and very active. Time is a precious commodity. Most of us also spent so much time developing careers and supporting our lifestyles that we found our children were grown almost before we knew it. Arrange your life with time to be a grandparent. The rewards are greater than work and personal activities will ever be.

7. Share your grandchild’s world. Suddenly you are looking at a whole new round of ball games, school plays, scout meetings, graduations and the other events in your grandchild’s life. They are even more fun now than they were with your own children. Your grandchildren grow and change every day. There is a special pride in watching a grandchild develop and perform. These events are an excellent way to stay in touch with his or her developing personality.

8. Ask how you can help. Do not assume you know. Your child’s life, like yours has been, will be a series of challenges, success and failures. Let you child know that you are always there, willing to help. Don’t assume you know when and how to help. Your child will let you know when he or she needs your help.

9. Establish limits of help. Being a grandparent is special. It does not mean giving up your own life. If a parent is willing to provide unlimited assistance, it may become too easy for the child to take advantage of that. There should be limits of financial and personal assistance. Occasional babysitting is fun, for example. Providing a free daycare service may not be. Determine limits that are reasonable and comfortable for you and then discuss them with your child.

Becoming a grandparent is a very special time in life. In many ways it is more fun than being a parent. It is part-time. It is a second chance to do all of the things you meant to do or should have done with your children. The relationship with my grandchildren is more relaxed and easier than with my children. I may not have been ready when it happened, but I’m glad it did.

About the Author
Royce Armstrong is a grandparent and freelance writer featured at Happy Tulip Toys and Gifts for Grandchildren. This and other articles and tips about grandparenting can be found here.

By Don Schmitz

1. Boundaries are necessary for control and safety.
All children need and must learn to respect boundaries. Being clear about expectations before an activity begins frees you and the child to enjoy the event and ensures the safety of everyone involved. If you observe the boundaries are being violated, don’t be afraid to remind your grandchildren again. Restate the rules as many times as necessary. Writing the rules and posting them or bringing them along is a good idea. If a rule is violated during the activity, ask the child to repeat or read the rules again.

2. Gift giving is not a requirement of grandparenting.
Establish a practice with your first grandchild and stick with it; what you do for one doesn’t necessarily have to be done for all. Financial and family situations change as our children grow. If a family experiences loss of a job or divorce, don’t be afraid to make temporary changes. Gifts are gifts especially when they are unexpected. Surprise gifts are the best. Gifts don’t have to cost a lot. Research supports the fact that “time together” is the best gift we can give. Travel provides time for the grandparent and grandchildren to discover and appreciate each other’s gifts.

3. All rules must be consistent with parents’ wishes.
Anything you do with and for your grandchild needs to be discussed first with the parents. After all, parents make the rules and effective grandparents support them.

Don’t keep secrets from the parents and don’t ask the grandchildren to keep secrets from their parents. Many grandparents believe that some information should not be shared with the parents, but this only undermines the relationships.

4. There is no substitute for planning.
Proper planning ensures that the activity will be discussed with the parents. No matter what the age or sex of your grandchild, planning makes any activity more successful. This is not to say you can’t be spontaneous, but it’s often better and safer to have a plan.

Discuss with the child what he or she would like to do. Give careful thought to the age appropriateness of the activities before you begin. Giving children choices increases their self-confidence and is great training for the future.

5. Grandchildren and grandparents want to have fun!
There is no substitute for good old-fashioned belly laughs. It’s good for you, your grandchild and your relationship. During the activity itself, share with your grandchildren how excited you are about being with them.

Children enjoy getting away from their parents for short periods of time and grandparents enjoy being part of a very important relationship. Parents enjoy their break too.

About the Author
Don Schmitz is a well-known writer and speaker on parenting and grandparenting. He is the author of “The New face of Grandprenting…Why Parents Need Their Own Parents” and founder of Grandkidsandme, which includes: Grandparent Camps and Grandkid Days. Don holds graduate degrees in Education, Administration, Human Development and is father to three sons and grandfather to four granddaughters. Contact Don Schmitz at Don@grandkidsandme.com.

Are you a grandparent who has recently taken on more than a traditional grandparent role? If you have, you may be your grandchild’s guardian. No matter what the reason for your son or daughter being unable to care for their own child, it is now your responsibility to provide the love, support, and care of two people.

One of the biggest problems that guardian grandparents face is the uncertainty. After all, it is likely that some time has passed since you raised a child, especially an infant or a newborn. One of the best ways to go about successfully raising a grandchild, while keeping your head on straight, is by developing a plan. Having a plan in place for just about every situation imaginable will be able to provide you with much needed assistance and guidance.

If you are the guardian for your newborn or infant grandchild, it is important to re-familiarize yourself with the needs of this age group. For starters, you will want to focus on the proper medical care. Newborns and infants are often required to see their physicians on a monthly or bimonthly basis to undergo regular checkups and to receive all needed vaccinations. It will be your responsibility, as the grandparent guardian, to ensure that proper medical attention is sought. Before doing so, depending on your situation, you may need to make arrangements for health care payments, insurance, or other medical coverage.

Another one of the many plans that you will want to have in place, as a grandparent guardian, involves childcare. If you are caring for a newborn, infant, or toddler, you will need to make daily arrangements for them, especially if you are employed. Even if you intend to be a stay-at-home guardian or if your grandchild is school aged, you will still want to have a childcare plan in place. Every parent, even grandparent guardians, need to have breaks every now and then. Examining your options, in terms of childcare providers or other family members who would be willing to step up to the plate, can help to calm your nerves, should you ever have to leave your grandchild alone.

The above mentioned plans are just a few of the many that you will want to have in place, when taking on the role of a grandparent guardian. An additional step that you will want to take includes creating a budget for yourself. Raising a child will likely result in changes to your finances, but, if properly handled, this arrangement is one that should work successfully.

Are you a grandparent who is raising your grandchild? If you are, you aren’t a grandparent in the traditional sense. Grandparents who raise their grandchild have to take on two different roles, the roles of both parents and grandparents.

When raising a grandchild, it is important to remember that you will see your share of ups and downs. Often times, grandparents will visit their grandchildren on the weekends and have an unlimited number of picture perfect moments. When spending twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week with your grandchild, you will run into complications, no matter what their age. The good news is that there are always solutions to the problems that you may run into.

While many people will tell you otherwise, you may find it the easiest to raise newborns and infants. Yes, you may have midnight feedings and a load of dirty diapers to change, but you will find yourself having to provide constant love and support to your grandchild. What is nice about this is that showing love and support is something that grandparents do best. At the newborn and infant stages, you will want to cuddle and spend as much time with your grandchild as possible.

Although many grandparents who raise their grandchildren focus on the difficulties that they may face and solutions for those difficulties, it is also important to remember the firsts that you will get to experience with your very own eyes. When raising your grandchild, you will be able to see and celebrate their first words, first crawl, first step, first play date, and first day of school. No matter what complications you have run into in the past or will run into in the future, these memorable experiences will be make raising your grandchild more than worth it.

As previously stated, raising grandchildren has it shares of difficulties. As with traditional parents, it will be easy for you to feel overwhelmed. If and when that time comes, you may want to seek assistance. You may not know this, but it is actually a lot more common for grandparents to raise their grandchildren than many think. The good news is that this has led to the development of support groups all across the country.

As a reminder, if you are feeling overwhelmed, be sure to examine local grandparents raising grandchildren support groups in your area or call on the services of a babysitter or other family members. In the traditional family setting, even parents need a break and the same will likely ring true for you.

Are you a grandparent? If you are and if you have a constant presence in the lives of your grandchildren, there may come a point in time when you have to discipline them. Unfortunately, with good reason, discipline is an area that many grandparents fear to enter. Many grandparents are concerned with how discipline will impact their relationships with their children and grandchildren.

When it comes to disciplining grandchildren, there are many grandparents who wonder when they should take action, as well as what action should be taken. In all honesty, you will find that it depends on a number of different factors. One of the many factors that you will want to take into consideration is the age of your grandchildren. For instance, newborns, infants, and toddlers are often unable to control their actions or comprehend the consequences of those actions, as opposed to school-aged children.

Before disciplining your grandchildren, it is important that you take a close look at the situation at hand. Was it an accident? For example, did your grandchild break a picture frame? If so, were they previously warned of the dangers of doing so or was it truly an accident? In instances that can be deemed accidents, such as spilled drinks or food, you should have a discussion with your grandchild on the importance of being careful, but you may want to avoid disciplining them. There are a number of downsides and dangers to disciplining young children for accidents or situations that were out of their control.

With that in mind, some situations will call for discipline. For example, did you tell your grandchild not to throw a ball inside, but they did so anyways? Situations like these will require action on your part. As your grandchildren increase in age, discipline is important, otherwise, you may find yourself being taken advantage of. One question that many grandparents have is what type of discipline is appropriate. For starters, you should never resort to physical violence or verbal abuse. For toddlers, preschoolers, and school-aged children, time outs, as well as the taking away of privileges are often successful forms of discipline.

As a reminder, if you maintain a constant presence in the lives of your grandchildren, there will likely come a time when you have to discipline them. Before that time comes, you may want to seek advice from your son or daughter, as many parents have strict views, beliefs, and policies that you will want to attempt to adhere to.

When you become a new grandparent, you will run into your share of problems. Although these problems and issues may be minor, they may still cause you concern. One of the issues that you may have to deal with as a grandparent includes confidentiality. You may be wondering if and when confidently rules apply to grandparents.

As your grandchild or grandchildren increase in age, you may find them speaking with you more, especially on a more personal and private level. This is most often the case when you maintain a constant presence in your grandchild’s life. The conversations that you discuss will likely mature in content, as your grandchild increases in age. While you may hear about fun and exciting adventures, you may also hear things that cause you concern. But, are these conversations ones that should be repeated?

When it comes to grandparent confidentiality, there are some unwritten rules that should apply. One of those rules is that you should respect your grandchild’s request of privacy and confidentiality if no harm is done. For instance, your grandchild may talk about an art project in school that they plan to give their mom or a new crush that they may have on a fellow classmate. These are conversations and instances in which no harm will come from you staying quiet.

On the other hand, there are instances in which you will want to speak up. These are instances in which you feel that your grandchild is in danger. For example, did your grandchild recently tell you that they were bullied at school? Are they in an abusive relationship or where they touched inappropriately? If these are conversations that you have with your grandchild, you will want to take action immediately. Depending on the situation at hand, you may want to speak with their parents, school officials, or the proper authorities.

One of the biggest concerns that grandparents have with confidentiality is ruining the trust that they have developed with their grandchildren. Once that trust is broken, many grandparents are worried that it will never be repaired. While this feeling is completely normal and the result may include a strained relationship with your grandchild, it is important that you keep their health and safety in mind. As much as you would like to respect confidentiality requests, it is your responsibility, as a grandparent, to offer protection, even if they feel it isn’t needed.

Are you a grandparent? If you are, you may enjoy watching your son or daughter interact with their child. Often times, you will find a number of picture perfect moments, but other times, you may find issues that cause you concern. When it comes to grand parenting, many grandparents wonder what actions they should take in regards to neglect or if they should take any action at all.

When it comes to grand parenting and neglect, a great rule of thumb to follow is your grandchild’s health and safety. For instance, do you feel that they are being put in danger, even unintentionally? If so, it is time for you to take action. Unfortunately, many grandparents are concerned with the family problems that will be created when calling out neglect. While they problems do and may exist, it is important to keep the health and safety of your grandchild in mind.

One of the many instances in which you may want to intervene is if you suspect your grandchild isn’t properly being cared for, in terms of their health. Newborns, infants, and even toddlers need to receive proper medical attention and they need to eat healthy foods. If you find that your son or daughter is neglecting to seek the proper medical care for your grandchild, whether it be attending well visits or a trip to the dentist, you may want to voice your concerns. You may find an issue with money, a lack of insurance, or just a parent who is unaware of the importance of regular medical checkups.

Perhaps, the one situation where you shouldn’t take any chances is where you suspect abuse is involved. This abuse should include physical and verbal abuse. This is particularly important if your grandchild is a newborn or an infant, as they are unable to speak for themselves. When your grandchild learns to walk or reaches the active toddler stages, it is common to see bumps and bruises, but be on the lookout for anything that causes concern. If you are unsure as to the result of bruises or other injuries, you may first want to approach your child. However, if you see abuse firsthand, it may be wise to contact the proper officials.

As a reminder, intervening in your grandchild’s life may cause you some concern, but it is important to remember that neglect is nothing to mess around with. Your grandchild relies on you, as their grandparent, to provide them with love, support, and safety.

Becoming a grandparent is an exciting time in your life. Depending on your family and its size, grand parenting is an experience that you are likely to enjoy more than once. Although each grandchild of yours will be loved, it is easy to unintentionally show favoritism, especially when multiple grandchildren are involved.

Although unintentionally showing favoritism may do no harm, it is important that you proceed with caution. If you are not careful, your grandchild or your own child can suffer the consequences, which may include feeling left out or they may feel a lack of importance. With that in mind, there are a number of steps that you can take to prevent favoritism from becoming a problem.

One of the first steps that you will want to take, to avoid favoritism with grandchildren, involves equal time. As a grandparent, it is important that you spend equal time with your grandchildren. Although this may be difficult with busy schedules and possibly even distance, it is important that you take steps to give each grandchild the same or similar amounts of time. Even if it is something as simple as stopping by for a half an hour visit, your time is of great importance to your grandchildren.

Another common mistake that grandparents make involves purchasing gifts for one grandchild and not the other. You are advised to proceed with caution in terms of gifts. This is particularly important with grandchildren who live in the same home. Although birthdays are exceptions to this important rule, you will want to use your best judgment. For instance, if your see an outfit that your granddaughter would love, be sure to pick up another gift, even just a small one, for your grandson. This is the best way to go about avoiding favoritism.

Although newborns and infants may be unable to detect a small amount of favoritism, toddlers and their parents have keen eyes. Unfortunately, most grandparents do not even realize that they are exuding even a small amount of favoritism. That is why you are urged to step back and take a close look at each situation that involves multiple grandchildren. Using your best judgment is one of the best ways to avoid favoritism.

The above mentioned tips are tips that grandparents should always take into consideration. As a reminder, it is important to remember that you do not have to shower your grandchildren with gifts to show your affection. Often times, your love and support will be enough. However, when gifts are involved, it is important that you use your best judgment.

Have you recently learned that you are going to be a new grandparent? If you have, you may be filled with joy and excitement. After a little bit of time has passed, you will likely start to place your main focus on your son or daughter and their partner. Of course, it is a parent’s responsibility to offer help and guidance to their children, but you will want to do so in a manner that is not considered overbearing.

When preparing for the birth of your new grandchild, it is important that you sit down with your child and their partner. You will want to devise a plan. This plan is one of the first steps to avoid becoming an overbearing parent or grandparent. Having a mature discussion with your child will give them the opportunity to ask any questions that they may have. If you have any suggestions that you would like to offer, such as the taking of parenting classes or the setup of the nursery, you will want to offer these suggestions, but at the appropriate time and with a polite, helpful approach.

When a new child is born, many grandparents automatically go into the overbearing mode. This is something that you will want to avoid. Yes, you may know of a better way to hold your grandchild or sooth a fussy baby, but you may want to refrain from voicing your suggestions. This is especially important in the beginning. All parents must start somewhere. You will first want to give your son or daughter the opportunity to sooth their baby on their own, and so forth. You may want to provide your own tips should you not see any improvement or if you are asked for guidance.

As your grandchild ages, it is important that you maintain a constant presence in their life. With that in mind, it is important to remember your role as a grandparent. Often times, grandparents are found providing advice and other tips to their grandchildren. This is nice, but you will want to take steps to ensure that you do not upset your son or daughter or their partner. Grandparents who bypass the rules and restrictions of parents are not only deemed overbearing, but a nuisance by many.

In conclusion, you will want to offer helpful tips and suggestions to new parents, when you feel it is needed. Offering unwanted advice and assistance may not only have you labeled as an overbearing grandparent, but it may also complicate the relationship you have with your family, including your grandchild.

Has your family seen its fair share of marriages and divorces? If it has, you may find yourself with one or two step-grandchildren. Although most grandparents are able to love their step-grandchildren as if they were their own, others find it easier said than done.

When it comes to accepting your step-grandchildren as your own, you fill find that age plays an important role. For instance, it is often easier for grandparents to accept and treat their step-grandchildren as their own when they are younger in age. This is often due the children themselves. For instance, older children are more likely to understand the complications that surround divorces and remarriages. They may be feeling a wide array of emotions, including frustration and anger. These emotions can make it difficult for you and your step-grandchildren to have a pure relationship.

When learning to accept your step-grandchildren as your own, there are a number of actions that you will want to take. One of the best things that you can do is provide your step-grandchildren with your love, support, and time. You will want to spend as much time with your step-grandchildren as possible. You will also want to participate in fun and exciting activities, such as taking a trip to the zoo or playing sports. As a step-grandparent, you should know that fun adventures often allow children, especially older children, to loosen up, possibly allowing you to develop a close relationship.

In addition to spending one-on-one time with your step-grandchildren, you will also want to take steps to involve them in other family activities. These family fun activities can include a trip to the park or something as simple as a movie night. Including your step-grandchildren in activities that involve your own grandchildren are one of the best ways to show that they are a part of the family and loved just the same. When doing so, however, it is important that you provide all grandchildren with the same amount of time, attention, love, and affection.

The above mentioned approaches are just a few of the many ways that you can go about treating your step-grandchildren as if they were your own. Although most grandparents are able to do so without any question, you may be faced with mixed emotions. These emotions are normal, particularly at first. After spending time with your new step-grandchildren and getting to know them and their personalities firsthand, you should find it easy to love them as your own.