by Patty Hone

Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting would be easier if you didn’t have to make family decisions? Having a partner that is not in agreement with your parenting ideas or discipline approaches is more than just frustrating. It can be a cause of division in even the best of relationships. Furthermore, how you handle your disagreements will have a direct impact on your relationship with your partner and with your children.

It would be great if every couple agreed on everything but that is an unlikely event. One partner may have been raised in a relaxed environment; another may have been raised in a very strict home. What is acceptable by one partner may be appalling to another. It is important to discuss with your partner what your parenting objectives are. Decide what values are important to both of you. You will find that some things are more important to you than to your partner and vice versa. Here are some steps you can do to work towards resolving parenting disagreements.

1. Discuss your parenting objectives. What is important to both of you? Sit down with your partner and decide what values are most important. Also what areas are not as important?

    

2. Talk about where your children are developmentally and what they are capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for parenting disputes are because one partner thinks that a child is capable of understanding something and the other disagrees. Knowing what your child’s cognitive level is will help you to make better decisions. Do not compare your child to other children. You can use examples based on what they are capable of doing and not doing. For instance, if you ask them to get something out of their toy box, do they understand and go get it? If not expecting your child to be able to understand certain things may be unreasonable.

    

3. Find out what both of your parenting strengths and weaknesses are. Many times both parents want the same things for their kids. Compliment your partner on his/her strengths. Don’t just point out your partner’s flaws.

    

4. The majority of parenting disagreements are over discipline methods and when it is appropriate to discipline. One parent may think that spanking is the best method and the other may prefer time outs or something else. One of the most effective ways to resolve this issue is to talk about it. Find out the reasons why your partner feels the way he/she does. There are pros and cons to every form of parenting. Talk about why your partner thinks his/her discipline style is the better method. Sometimes talking about it will help you to see each other’s point of view.

    

5. If the discussion gets heated, agree to disagree. Fighting about how to parent is only going to make the situation worse. Walk away, take a break and discuss it when you are not angry.

    

6. Plan ahead. Discuss problem situations you are having with your children. For instance, if you are having a problem with your child having temper tantrums, discuss how you think this should be handled. If you have a plan in action, it will be easier for both of you to follow each other’s wishes.

    

7. Pick your battles. Some things you may never agree on. You don’t have to agree on everything. Find the issues that are most important to you and work on resolving those first.

    

8. Do not argue about parenting in front of your children. This is easier said than done. The best way to handle a situation you don’t agree with is not to interrupt but to wait till later and then discuss how you think it could have been handled differently.

    

9. Work on role modeling communication. If your children see that you communicate and problem solve together, they will grow up to do the same. Children often repeat patterns of their own parents. Look at your relationship and evaluate how you communicate. Is this the way you would like your children to communicate with their future partner?

    

10. Parenting and relationships are a growing process. The more you communicate the better parent/partner you will be. Learn from each other and listen to each other. Build on your parenting strengths and tackle your parenting weaknesses a little at a time. It won’t happen over night but if you continue to discuss things with your partner calmly and positively you will become better parenting partners.

About The Author
Patty Hone is a wife and mommy to three kids. She is also the owner of Justmommies.com. Justmommies is an online community for mommies to make friends and find support. Please visit Justmommies at http://www.justmommies.com. email@justmommies.com

by Susie Cortright

Anyone can splurge on a formal dinner or a pricey bottle of perfume, but it takes creativity and forethought to be truly romantic.

The key lies in personalizing your celebration. Here are ten ideas to fuel your own creativity:

1. Empty a box of chocolates. Then cut out 50 to 100 hearts from lace doilies, construction paper, or fabric. On each cutout, record something about your mate that you love. Be specific, “The way you smell when you come to bed at night,” “The way you take care of me when I’m sick,” “Your recipe for pancakes”…

   Fold the cutouts, place them in the chocolate box, and top with a red satin bow.

   The time you spend coming up with these ideas will contribute to your own romantic mood, and what your partner thinks is a plain-old box of chocolates will instead be a treasured gift for years to come. Plus, you can add to the box for future birthday, holiday, or Valentine’s Day celebrations.

    

2. Build a romantic fire. Before the kids go to bed, have fun roasting marshmallows. After their lights are out, host your own indoor picnic, complete with a bottle of wine and chocolate-covered strawberries.

    

3. Recreate your first date together. What were you wearing? Where did you go? Do you remember what you talked about? Spend the evening reminiscing and reflecting on how far you’ve come as a couple.

    

4. Spoon all night.

    

5. Choose a book in which you are both interested, fiction or nonfiction. Read a new chapter each night before bed. This cozy tradition will allow you to spend some quality time together and often makes for thought-provoking breakfast conversations.

    

6. Make a tape of the songs special to your relationship. Include “your song,” songs from your wedding, songs from favorite movies. Add a personal voice dedication and leave it in your partner’s briefcase, Walkman, or car stereo.

    

7. Turn off the TV.

    

8. Kidnap your spouse. Arrange for a babysitter for a few hours–or a few days. A friend of mine had a lot of success with this one. She knew her husband had always wanted to get married in Vegas, but he had agreed to a large, formal ceremony hosted by her family. So, after they had been married 10 years, she surprised him at work with a packed suitcase. They caught an evening flight and renewed their vows before an Elvis impersonator in a Vegas chapel. Years later, they’re still talking about it.

    

9. This one requires a babysitter, too. Next time you’re visiting your parents or in-laws, leave the kids with the grandparents and travel to another town, where no one will recognize you. Check into a hotel or B&B. Dress like another person. Act like another person. It’s fun to slip into another persona from time to time.

    

10. Have a scavenger hunt. Write a few poems, wrap candy kisses inside, and hide them around the house. Each poem should be a clue to finding the next one. Make sure the final clue lands your mate someplace you want to end up for the entire evening. A romance package, including a bottle of champagne and new lingerie, is a nice touch.

Create some romantic memories today. Not with your pocketbook, but with your imagination.

Copyright 2004 Susie Cortright

About The Author
Susie Michelle Cortright is the author of Rekindling Your Romance after Kids and More Energy for Moms. She is also the founder of the award-winning Momscape.com, a website designed to help busy parents find balance. Visit www.momscape.com today and get Susie’s *free* course-by-email “6 Days to Less Stress.”

by Rexanne Mancini

Moms, did you ever question your value as a role model, caretaker, administer of hugs and Band-Aids? I think we all have in today’s climate of “do more, get more, have more.”

Many of us work to bring home a paycheck and others work for our sanity. Have you ever wondered if your children were better off with the baby sitter than you?

Scientific studies are beginning to point to the overwhelming value of a mother’s love, hugs and support. Nannies, baby-sitters and relatives are terrific. They just aren’t as terrific as Mom.

I have had the best of both worlds, I suspect. I worked a high-powered executive job until my older daughter was two and a half. At a crossroads in my career, I opted to “get pregnant and stay home for a year.” Little did I realize I was about to take a ten-year hiatus from my much-loved life.

I didn’t get pregnant right away, but, after having spent a year basking in the glow of being Mom, I couldn’t bear giving up the care and nurturing of my daughter to another nanny, no matter how wonderful. I think it was the best career move of my life.

Ten years later, I am back in the work force and thriving. Yes, I felt bored much of the time. Yes, our family sacrificed the bigger house, fancier cars and vacations some of our peers were enjoying. But it was a conscious decision to sacrifice for the benefit of our children. We wanted our morals, our ethics and our life lessons to influence our them.

I think moms can work at home, be homemakers or work outside of the home and still be great moms. The most important part of mothering is being there for our children. Maybe your sacrifice is going to work but spending your precious little free time reading your child a bedtime story every night, taking him to the park on Saturdays or chaperoning your daughter’s school dance. What matters is our input, the confidence in our roles as mothers, knowing we are the best person for the role and to understand how valuable we are to society.

Pat yourselves on the backs, moms … you’ve accomplished a miracle! There is no greater sacrifice on earth, in my opinion, than making the decision to be a parent. Know how important you are. Know that your children need you to be as solid an individual as you can be. Therein lies your strength as a mother, whether you spend the day at home or in an office. We are all exceptional women in our motherhood.

Copyright – 2000-2004 – Rexanne Mancini

About The Author
Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – www.rexanne.com – Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html.  rexanne@rexanne.com

by Rexanne Mancini

There is no doubt that mothers play an all-important leading role in the lives of their children. They are the obvious heroes of child rearing. But what about a father’s role? Just how important are the dads of the world compared to the almighty image of mother? My belief is that fathers play just as important a role as mothers. Different, yes. Possibly not as nurturing, not as all-sacrificing but just as important in the developmental and emotional well being of a child.

Dads are the solid foundation of our lives. They are the shore we swim to when our arms and legs feel increasingly tired. They are the strength we rely on as we take our first tentative steps into the world. Dads can be tender, tough, fragile or powerful but they are probably the most uncomplicated love we will ever know.

For daughters, Daddy is the first man they adore … the first man whose eyes shine with overwhelming amazement when they look at us. He is the first man to fall in love with us.

For sons, Daddy is the idol they first aspire to emulate … their mirror image of what will be and possibly the only man they will ever feel comfortable loving.

Daddy is the first man who held us, as a loving parent, with a lump in his throat so huge, only the joy of that love could erase the overwhelming pain of choking on unexpected raw emotion. I think when a father holds his newborn baby, he is touched by pure vulnerability for the first time in his adult life, leaving him forever humbled by the unexplained miracles of life.

For mothers, the father of our children is the one person we can trust to watch over our babies as closely as we would. We are secure in the knowledge of their love for our precious offspring. Dad is the only other person in the world as fascinated with every nuance and murmur of our babies. He is the one person on the planet with whom we can indulge our need to brag and carry on about our kid’s accomplishments and heartaches ad nauseum … one who will be just as interested and never yawn in the face of our devotion.

Without dads, we wouldn’t be moms. I would like to take the liberty of thanking them from all our hearts for this honor and for being our partners in this business of raising children.

Know how much you are loved and revered, guys! You are our trusted soldiers and we need you more than you will ever realize.

Copyright – 2000-2004- Rexanne Mancini

About The Author
Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – www.rexanne.com – Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html.
rexanne@rexanne.com

By Kathryn Sansone

It’s easy for parents today to get swept up in their children’s lives. From the minute we take them home, put on their first diapers, and give them their first bottles, we begin trying our best to fulfill all of our children’s needs and demands. Get some tips for reconnecting and romance from Kathryn Sansone, who’s mom to 10 kids as well as the author of Woman First, Family Always: Real-Life Wisdom from a Mother of Ten.

While I am a firm believer in being a thoughtful, committed parent, I also know that if couples don’t put their relationship first (most of the time), then no amount of devotion to their kids will keep their relationship alive.

That said, I also realize that it’s not easy to keep a healthy balance between thinking of ourselves as both partners and as parents. How do we achieve the right balance that makes us feel that we are doing a good job as parents without losing sight of the reason you became a family in the first place?

Carve out time
Despite so many kids, so many demands, and so much enjoyment we get from our kids, Jim and I always carve out time for just the two of us. It’s not always easy, but we don’t waste time trying to figure out if we deserve it.

One night last summer we did just that. It was a Friday and I had been with the kids all week. I was exhausted and had spent all my energy reserves. As usual the kids had a swim meet and Jim and I had planned to meet there to watch them race. When he arrived from the office, we took one look at each other and knew we needed to create time for just the two of us. At the end of the swim meet, we took the kids to McDonald’s (not something we regularly do) and then home. Once they were showered, in their pajamas, and set for bed, we headed out the door, leaving the older kids to babysit.

We didn’t deliberate over whether the kids were okay — we knew they were safe and sound. And we also knew it was just as important for us to have time alone. We had a lovely — albeit short — dinner out and enjoyed every minute of it.

The best gift you can give your children is a loving relationship with your spouse. When children know — and witness — their parents putting aside time for each other, kids understand that their parents are committed to each other. They also know that their parents love each other. In turn this love between their parents makes kids feel safe, enabling them to grow unhindered, following their own unique destinies.

On the other hand when children are always put first or experience rancor between their parents, constant fighting, verbal violence, or a lack of trust, then children question the very root of their foundation. Such a lack of safety breeds internal chaos and insecurity — two obstacles to healthy self-esteem and confidence. Show your love
For both your children’s sake and your own, it’s important to put energy into your primary relationship. Show your love toward him in front of your kids. Take time to be alone with your spouse. Your kids couldn’t have a better gift than to know their parents love and respect each other and like to spend time with each other.

Consider these ways to reconnect with your spouse:

by Kelly E. Nault, M.A.

When your child misbehaves, do you find yourself feeling like they’re “out to get you”? Contrary to what you might be feeling at the time, your child probably doesn’t intend to misbehave with the intention to spoil your day. Usually, misbehavior stems from their own feelings of discouragement.

Rudolph Dreikurs said, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” When a child fails to receive encouragement, they will look for others ways to get the attention they seek—often through ineffective means such as aggression, whining, bullying, disrespect, and even coach potato behavior.

By encouraging our children, we can actually prevent the misbehavior we don’t like. Sound good? Then keep reading!

Encouragement vs. Praise
Many Moms and Dads have learned how to praise their children, but the art of encouragement is a skill they’ve yet to master.

What’s the difference?
Encouragement is a “gift” focusing on the internal process—the “who” our child is. Praise, however, is given as a “reward” for external results—the “what” our child does.

When children are fed a constant diet of praise, they begin to focus on externals for their self-worth. The outcome? “Pleasers” and “perfectionists” who are constantly struggling to prove their worth. This can eventually lead to problems like anorexia, depression, and alcohol or drug abuse.

When children feel good about who they are because of encouragement, however, very little can stop them from attaining their dreams!

How to Tell the Two Apart
Here’s an easy way to remember the difference between encouragement and praise:

Encouragement—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear during a game or race. Things like:

• “Way to go!”
• “You can do it.”
• “Great save.”
• “You look like you are really enjoying yourself.”
• “Awesome job!”
• “Look at all the effort you are putting into this.”
• “I bet you were proud of that goal.”

Praise—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear after your child’s team has won. Examples are:

• “I am so proud of you, you won!”
• “You’re a winner. I love you.”
• “We’re number one, we’re number one!”
• “You’re first, like your sister.”
• “Finally, you won.”

Does this mean praise is evil? Of course not! It’s just ineffective in fostering your child’s internal support system—their self-esteem. The more you focus on encouraging phrases and words, instead of just praise, the more likely your child is to feel good about who they are.

Start Using These Positive Parent Rules Today!
Mystery solved! I trust you realize now that the main reason your child misbehaves is because they want to be encouraged. Here are 10 top ways you can start encouraging your child right away:

1. Smile and literally “light up” when they come into the room.
2. Focus on their strengths, rather than their weaknesses.
3. Every night, before bed, say to them, “I am so blessed to have a daughter/son like you in my life.”
4. Ask them for their opinion on an issue or challenge you had that day.
5. “Catch them” doing things you love and acknowledge them for it.
6. Become interested in what they are passionate about by asking questions and learning more.
7. Hug them often.
8. Look for ways they can help out and thank them for it.
9. Place surprise notes of encouragement in their lunch or under their pillow.
10. Use encouraging phrases like, “You must be proud of yourself.”

If you’re accustomed to “praising,” the switch to “encouraging” may be tough at first. Encouragement is an art form that takes both practice and experience. But the time and effort you put into encouraging your children is definitely worth it. Why? Because encouragement, moment by moment, leads to great things.

About the Author
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online nine week parenting course here.