The Art of Staying Positive — Parent Rules Your Kids Will Love
by Kelly E. Nault, M.A.
When your child misbehaves, do you find yourself feeling like they’re “out to get you”? Contrary to what you might be feeling at the time, your child probably doesn’t intend to misbehave with the intention to spoil your day. Usually, misbehavior stems from their own feelings of discouragement.
Rudolph Dreikurs said, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” When a child fails to receive encouragement, they will look for others ways to get the attention they seek—often through ineffective means such as aggression, whining, bullying, disrespect, and even coach potato behavior.
By encouraging our children, we can actually prevent the misbehavior we don’t like. Sound good? Then keep reading!
Encouragement vs. Praise
Many Moms and Dads have learned how to praise their children, but the art of encouragement is a skill they’ve yet to master.
What’s the difference?
Encouragement is a “gift” focusing on the internal process—the “who” our child is. Praise, however, is given as a “reward” for external results—the “what” our child does.
When children are fed a constant diet of praise, they begin to focus on externals for their self-worth. The outcome? “Pleasers” and “perfectionists” who are constantly struggling to prove their worth. This can eventually lead to problems like anorexia, depression, and alcohol or drug abuse.
When children feel good about who they are because of encouragement, however, very little can stop them from attaining their dreams!
How to Tell the Two Apart
Here’s an easy way to remember the difference between encouragement and praise:
Encouragement—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear during a game or race. Things like:
- “Way to go!”
- “You can do it.”
- “Great save.”
- “You look like you are really enjoying yourself.”
- “Awesome job!”
- “Look at all the effort you are putting into this.”
- “I bet you were proud of that goal.”
Praise—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear after your child’s team has won. Examples are:
- “I am so proud of you, you won!”
- “You’re a winner. I love you.”
- “We’re number one, we’re number one!”
- “You’re first, like your sister.”
- “Finally, you won.”
Does this mean praise is evil? Of course not! It’s just ineffective in fostering your child’s internal support system—their self-esteem. The more you focus on encouraging phrases and words, instead of just praise, the more likely your child is to feel good about who they are.
Start Using These Positive Parent Rules Today!
Mystery solved! I trust you realize now that the main reason your child misbehaves is because they want to be encouraged. Here are 10 top ways you can start encouraging your child right away:
- Smile and literally “light up” when they come into the room.
- Focus on their strengths, rather than their weaknesses.
- Every night, before bed, say to them, “I am so blessed to have a daughter/son like you in my life.”
- Ask them for their opinion on an issue or challenge you had that day.
- “Catch them” doing things you love and acknowledge them for it.
- Become interested in what they are passionate about by asking questions and learning more.
- Hug them often.
- Look for ways they can help out and thank them for it.
- Place surprise notes of encouragement in their lunch or under their pillow.
- Use encouraging phrases like, “You must be proud of yourself.”
If you’re accustomed to “praising,” the switch to “encouraging” may be tough at first. Encouragement is an art form that takes both practice and experience. But the time and effort you put into encouraging your children is definitely worth it. Why? Because encouragement, moment by moment, leads to great things.
About the Author
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online nine week parenting course here.
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