by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question
My baby is only happy when I’m within arm’s reach. If I dare to leave the room, she cries as if I’ve left the country! I can’t even so much as take a shower these days, let alone leave the house without her. My mother-in-law says it’s because I’ve spoiled her. Is she right? Have I made her so clingy?

Nothing you’ve done has “made” your baby develop separation anxiety. It’s a perfectly normal and important developmental adaptation. Nearly all children experience separation anxiety between the ages of seven and 18 months. Some have more intense reactions than others, and for some, the stage lasts longer than others, but almost all babies have it to some degree.

The development of separation anxiety demonstrates that your baby has formed a healthy, loving attachment to you. It is a beautiful sign that your baby associates pleasure, comfort, and security with your presence. It also indicates that your baby is developing intellectually (in other words, she’s smart!) She has learned that she can have an effect on her world when she makes her needs known, and she doesn’t have to passively accept a situation that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn’t know enough about the world yet to understand that when you leave her you’ll always come back. She also realizes that she is safest, happiest, and best cared for by you, so her reluctance to part makes perfect sense ¾ especially when viewed from a survival standpoint. Put another way: You are her source of nourishment, both physical and emotional; therefore, her attachment to you is her means of survival, and when she reaches a certain level of intellectual maturity, she realizes this.

This stage, like so many others in childhood, will pass. In time, your baby will learn that she can separate from you, that you will return, and that everything will be okay between those two points in time. Much of this learning is based on trust, which, just as for every human being young or old, takes time to build.

How do I know if my baby has separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is pretty easy to spot, and you’re probably reading this section because you’ve identified it in your baby. The following are behaviors typically demonstrated by a baby with normal separation anxiety:

• Clinginess
• Crying when a parent is out of sight
• Strong preference for only one parent
• Fear of strangers (Also see Stranger anxiety, page XX)
• Waking at night crying for a parent
• Easily comforted in a parent’s embrace

How you can help your baby with separation anxiety

• Allow your baby to be a baby. It’s perfectly okay — even wonderful — for your baby to be so attached to you and for her to desire your constant companionship. Congratulations, Mommy or Daddy: It’s evidence that the bond you’ve worked so hard to create is holding. So politely ignore those who tell you otherwise.
• Don’t worry about spoiling her with your love, since quite the opposite will happen. The more that you meet her attachment needs during babyhood, the more confident and secure she will grow up to be.
• Minimize separations when possible. It’s perfectly acceptable for now ¾ better, in fact ¾ to avoid those situations that would have you separate from your baby. All too soon, your baby will move past this phase and on to the next developmental milestone.
• Give your baby lessons in object permanence. As your baby learns that things continue to exist even when she can’t see them, she’ll feel better about letting you out of her sight. Games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek will help her understand this phenomenon.
• Practice with quick, safe separations. Throughout the day, create situations of brief separation. When you go into another room, whistle, sing, or talk to your baby so she knows you’re still there, even though she can’t see you.
• Don’t sneak away when you have to leave her. It may seem easier than dealing with a tearful goodbye, but it will just cause her constant worry that you’re going to disappear without warning at any given moment. The result? Even more clinginess, and diminished trust in your relationship.
• Tell your baby what to expect. If you are going to the store and leaving her at home with Grandma, explain where you are going and tell her when you’ll be back. Eventually, she’ll come to understand your explanations.
• Don’t rush the parting, but don’t prolong it, either. Give your baby ample time to process your leave-taking, but don’t drag it out and make it more painful for both of you.
• Express a positive attitude when leaving her. If you’re off to work, or an evening out, leave with a smile. Your baby will absorb your emotions, so if you’re nervous about leaving her, she’ll be nervous as well. Your confidence will help alleviate her fears.
• Leave your baby with familiar people. If you must leave your baby with a new caregiver, try to arrange a few visits when you’ll all be together before you leave the two of them alone for the first time.
• Invite distractions. If you’re leaving your baby with a caregiver or relative, encourage that person to get your baby involved with playtime as you leave. Say a quick good-bye and let your baby be distracted by an interesting activity.
• Allow your baby the separation that she initiates. If she crawls off to another room, don’t rush after her. Listen and peek, of course, to make sure that she’s safe, but let her know it’s fine for her to go off exploring on her own.
• Encourage her relationship with a special toy, if she seems to have one. These are called transitional objects or lovies. They can be a comfort to her when she’s separated from you. Many babies adopt blankets or soft toys as loveys, holding them to ease any pain of separation. The lovey becomes a friend and represents security in the face of change.

Don’t take it personally. Many babies go through a stage of attaching themselves to one parent or the other. The other parent, as well as grandparents, siblings and friends can find this difficult to accept, but try to reassure them that it’s just a temporary and normal phase of development and with a little time and gentle patience it will pass.Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

When your baby is born he does very little. Eats, poops, sleeps and cries. Crying is the only way that your baby can communicate and at this point, all the cries sound alike. As your baby gets older however you will begin to notice different cries coming from him and you will begin to recognize better what it is that your baby needs. As your baby gets older some of his reasons for crying will change, while others stay the same.

Hunger
Still one of the most obvious reasons for your baby to be crying is hunger. Your little one is growing and burning through calories so fast that it is hard to keep up with him. If he gets a growth spurt it can seem as if never stops eating. You will learn to recognize the cry of hunger from your baby.

Pain
A newborn has very little “pain” in most cases. However, as his grows the pain begins to appear, first in teething, then in bumps and bruises as he gets on the move around the house. The pain cry will probably be more of a shrill cry, one you haven’t heard before, and one you quickly learn to recognize.

Fear/Anxiety
As your baby gets older he may start to feel a little anxiety about being left alone or being away from you. If this is the case for your baby, a brand new cry will be heard and your baby will learn from your reaction to use that cry in these circumstances.

Tired
It is possible for your baby to get over tired. When this happens not only will he not want to go to sleep, but he will probably have a cry that is so pitiful that it breaks your heart. Try not to let your baby skip a nap or get too tired that he doesn’t want to go to sleep. If he does it may be a long night for all of you.

Stubbornness
You can’t spoil a baby but boy can they make you feel like they are spoiled. Your baby may decide to get stubborn and start crying till he gets his way. This cry will probably sound less pathetic than his other ones; instead sounding more angry and upset. If this is your baby, try not to give into his stubbornness, but offer him something else to divert his attention.

As your baby changes so will his ways of communication. Soon will come the day when your baby is talking back to you and you are wishing he could only cry. Remember that at this point your baby’s only way of communicating is still crying and that the faster you learn to understand him, the happier everyone will be.

There comes a time in some babies’ lives where it seems like they are becoming afraid of strangers, or even people they do not see on a regular basis. During this time your baby will cling to you more and cry more when someone comes near or tries to pick them up. This is referred to as “stranger anxiety” and is completely normal, even though it may be heartbreaking.

As your baby gets bigger and more aware of the world around him, he becomes more attached to his mom and dad, knowing that they are his caretakers, the ones that will clothe him, feed him, and keep him safe. He knows that as long as he is in your arms that no harm will come to him. He understands that as long as you are together then no one can take you away from him, or him from you.

Stranger anxiety is your babies’ first real fear. Not only is it a fear of being taken from you, but it is a fear of you being taken from him. It normally happens around 7-8 months of age, and lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Generally anyone that the baby see’s on a very regular basis will be immune from the screaming, while people that he doesn’t know, or only see’s on the rare occasion will be met with tears and terrified screaming. There are some things that you can do to make it easier for your baby though.

1. Try not to leave your baby with a complete stranger. If you have to leave your baby with a new sitter then plan on getting to the sitters house at least 20 minutes early. The earlier the better to help your baby get acquainted to his caregiver and help make the transition of you leaving easier.

2. Have get togethers at your house. Instead of going to someone else’s house during the holidays, have family and friends over to your house. That way when your baby needs a time out, away from everyone, they have a familiar place to go to — their own bed.

3. Warn your friends and family ahead of time about this phase. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having your baby scream in their face, so let everyone know ahead of time, and also ask them to stay back a bit from your baby when they first come in. Give your baby some time and space to be able to watch everyone around him, before he has to interact with them.

4. Don’t hand off baby immediately. Going along with number three above, hold your baby close to you when you enter a new place and don’t hand him off to anyone unless he acts like he wants to go. Don’t force your baby to be with anyone he doesn’t want to be with.

These are four easy rules to remember to help your baby get through the stranger anxiety period. It is also possible that your baby will react badly at first to you or your partner, if the other one is home with them full time during the day. It is easy for a baby to attach himself to the person there the most, and shut out other people. Don’t take it personal, instead remember that it is just a phase that your baby is going through and like so many other phases, it will pass and your baby will soon be raising his arms and running to you when he sees you enter the room.

Unlike the baby blues, postpartum depression is a severe form of depression that affects 10-20% of new mothers and at times new fathers after the birth of their baby. It may not easily pass, and in some cases medical intervention may be necessary. It can normally be diagnosed as early as one month postpartum, after the baby blues should have faded. A woman’s doctor or midwife can prescribe medications if needed.

Causes of PPD
Not all causes of postpartum depression have been identified but there are some ideas and known facts in the medically community. Postpartum depression might be caused by the following things:

• Anti-natal depression
• Low self esteem
• Childcare stress
• Prenatal anxiety
• Life stress
• Low social support
• Poor marital relationship
• History of previous depression
• Infant temperament problems/colic
• Maternity blues
• Single parent
• Low socioeconomic status
• Unplanned/unwanted pregnancy

There are other factors that may cause women to have postpartum depression. In many ways it is one of those situations where it is different for every woman.

Symptoms of PPD
Like the causes, the symptoms of postpartum depression vary widely. Some include:

• Anxiety
• Irritability
• Insomnia
• Feelings of guilt
• Difficulty concentrating
• Persistent weepiness or sadness

These are similar to the symptoms of the baby blues, however they are much more intense when connected to postpartum depression. If a woman feels these symptoms strongly after her baby is born she should visit her doctor to see if he can help.

Postpartum Psychosis
Extra severe cases of postpartum depression can be referred to as postpartum psychosis. Postpartum psychosis is very rare occurring in just 0.1-0.2% of women who have recently had a baby. Postpartum psychosis includes all of the severe symptoms of postpartum depression, but it can also often include the mother having hallucinations and delusions.

Treatment
The good news is that there is treatment available for postpartum depression and even postpartum psychosis. There are medicine’s that can be prescribed, including medicine that is safe for breastfeeding women to use. Your doctor might also recommend counseling. If postpartum psychosis is diagnosed within the first couple of days it is often possible to reverse the effects within a few weeks with medicine vs. it taking several months to cure, even with medication, if not diagnosed right away.

If you think you may be suffering from postpartum depression it is important to remember that you are not alone and that there is help out there. Be sure to make an appointment with your doctor to get help.