Moms and dads, are there times you think that parenting would be easier if you didn’t have to make family decisions? Having a partner that is not in agreement with your parenting ideas or discipline approaches is more than just frustrating. It can be a cause of division in even the best of relationships. Furthermore, how you handle your disagreements will have a direct impact on your relationship with your partner and with your children.

It would be great if every couple agreed on everything but that is an unlikely event. One partner may have been raised in a relaxed environment; another may have been raised in a very strict home. What is acceptable by one partner may be appalling to another. It is important to discuss with your partner what your parenting objectives are. Decide what values are important to both of you. You will find that some things are more important to you than to your partner and vice versa. Here are some steps you can do to work towards resolving parenting disagreements.

1. Discuss your parenting objectives. What is important to both of you? Sit down with your partner and decide what values are most important. Also what areas are not as important? 
2. Talk about where your children are developmentally and what they are capable of understanding. Sometimes the reasons for parenting disputes are because one partner thinks that a child is capable of understanding something and the other disagrees. Knowing what your child’s cognitive level is will help you to make better decisions. Do not compare your child to other children. You can use examples based on what they are capable of doing and not doing. For instance, if you ask them to get something out of their toy box, do they understand and go get it? If not expecting your child to be able to understand certain things may be unreasonable. 
3. Find out what both of your parenting strengths and weaknesses are. Many times both parents want the same things for their kids. Compliment your partner on his/her strengths. Don’t just point out your partner’s flaws. 
4. The majority of parenting disagreements are over discipline methods and when it is appropriate to discipline. One parent may think that spanking is the best method and the other may prefer time outs or something else. One of the most effective ways to resolve this issue is to talk about it. Find out the reasons why your partner feels the way he/she does. There are pros and cons to every form of parenting. Talk about why your partner thinks his/her discipline style is the better method. Sometimes talking about it will help you to see each other’s point of view. 
5. If the discussion gets heated, agree to disagree. Fighting about how to parent is only going to make the situation worse. Walk away, take a break and discuss it when you are not angry. 
6. Plan ahead. Discuss problem situations you are having with your children. For instance, if you are having a problem with your child having temper tantrums, discuss how you think this should be handled. If you have a plan in action, it will be easier for both of you to follow each other’s wishes. 
7. Pick your battles. Some things you may never agree on. You don’t have to agree on everything. Find the issues that are most important to you and work on resolving those first. 
8. Do not argue about parenting in front of your children. This is easier said than done. The best way to handle a situation you don’t agree with is not to interrupt but to wait till later and then discuss how you think it could have been handled differently. 
9. Work on role modeling communication. If your children see that you communicate and problem solve together, they will grow up to do the same. Children often repeat patterns of their own parents. Look at your relationship and evaluate how you communicate. Is this the way you would like your children to communicate with their future partner? 
10. Parenting and relationships are a growing process. The more you communicate the better parent/partner you will be. Learn from each other and listen to each other. Build on your parenting strengths and tackle your parenting weaknesses a little at a time. It won’t happen over night but if you continue to discuss things with your partner calmly and positively you will become better parenting partners.

About The Author
Patty Hone is a wife and mommy to three kids. She is also the owner of Justmommies.com. Justmommies is an online community for mommies to make friends and find support. Please visit Justmommies at http://www.justmommies.com. email@justmommies.com

She opened with a question. “Mom! What are we having for dinner?”

“Well, hello to you, too, honey,” Judy said with a chuckle, leaning over to press a kiss on Jennifer’s cheek. “We’re having fish.”

“What kind?” asked Jennifer, chin raised in suspicion.

“Cod,” warily answered Judy. She knew the prosecution would begin straightaway.

Jennifer peered down her nose into the pan. “And how are you making it?” she inquired.

“I’m baking it. With lemon and seasoning,” Judy replied, trying to sound nonchalant about her gourmet cooking skills.

“But Mom,” Jennifer’s voice reflected the grimace on her face. “You know I HATE it that way! . . . Don’t you?”

Judy had to admit: the kid was good. But Judy held her own, patiently explaining that it was the family’s favorite. To which Jennifer responded, “But why can’t you just bread a few pieces for me?”

“Because,” Judy began, “it takes too much time and effort for the one small piece you’ll manage to eat.” Motion denied.

“Well, it can’t be that difficult!” wailed Jennifer. “Why don’t you just…”

“Jennifer! Stop with the fish already!” Judy interrupted. “It’s garbage day. Please collect the trash and take it out while I’m making dinner.”

“Why do I have to do it every time?” huffed Jennifer.

“It’s your job,” Judy countered over her objections.

“But it’s been my job forever,” pleaded Jennifer. “I don’t see why Jason can’t do it.”

Judy calmly listed Jason’s jobs and explained that he, too, had responsibilities.

Jennifer was not appeased by the alibis presented on Jason’s behalf. “Taking out the garbage for the whole family is just asking too much. It’s smelly and heavy and icky. I’d much rather sweep the kitchen floor. I think it’s time that we switched jobs.”

“I’ll think about it,” responded Judy distractedly, her fatigued head taking a little unscheduled adjournment.

“Well, why can’t you think about it right now?” hammered Jennifer.

“Because I’m making dinner right now.”

“So, you can’t make dinner and think at the same time?” asked Jennifer.

Judy closed her eyes, her hands going limp on the counter. Objection! She paused to restore order in the court that had taken over her kitchen, then looked over at Jennifer. “Will you just take out the trash and let me make dinner?”

“But you didn’t answer me! Why can’t we talk about this now?”

“Jennifer, please. Just do it.”

Jennifer, never ready to concede a case, shouted, “I’m sick and tired of taking out the garbage!”

Judy, her patience at its end, yelled back, “I don’t care! Just do the job!”

Jennifer’s volume also increasing, she bellowed, “I DON’T WANT TO!”

Judy slammed down the spoon she’d been holding. “I don’t care what you want, young lady! Take that trash out!”

Jennifer recognized her Mother’s danger zone, knew she’d be held in contempt soon if she didn’t back off. She roughly grabbed the kitchen trash (into which Judy was still tossing fish remnants) and stomped out of the kitchen, mumbling something about a dictatorship and unfairness on her way out.

The Hidden Message
“It takes two to argue, and I’m ready whenever you are!”

Think About It
If you have a child like Jennifer, and you’re constantly frustrated with her, it’s time for an exercise a wise old teacher once described: point your index finger in the classic way, and check out the three fingers now pointing back at you. In other words, you need to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own argumentative behavior before you attempt to correct your child’s. Every time you rationalize, explain and bicker with a child who is willing to deliberate every point, you give her more and more leeway in which to plead her case.

Consider the question a famous philosopher posed long ago—you know the one—that begins with, “If a tree falls in a forest…” and adapt it to Judy’s situation. If a tree argues with another tree that doesn’t argue back, is there indeed an argument?

Changes You Can Make
If you really want your child to stop arguing with you, give her less feedback when she begins her dispute process. Shut it right down by stating your case in a firm, authoritative manner—and then being quiet. Ignore the ensuing argumentative comments or simply repeat your original request. If you‘re too tempted to argue back then walk away for a few minutes and promise yourself you won’t let this issue turn into a two-way argument. Teach your child that your word is final. Realize that, when you do this, your very vocal child will have to complain a bit. But when you fail to respond to her, these arguments turn into harmless mumbling.

A different option is to change the tiring process of ‘arguing’ into a more productive mode of ‘debating’. The idea here is to adopt and enforce the standard rules for formal debate. Since some children really do enjoy the give-and-take of a debate, you can encourage this process—which is healthy and instructive in the right context—by setting limits. Let your child know which issues can and can’t be debated. Have a standard reply for a non-negotiable issue such as, “This is not open for discussion.” Let her know that raising of voices, name-calling or rude comments will not be accepted or acknowledged, and that each party must be given time to explain a point of view without interruption. To help her understand that these are universally accepted bylaws, show her books that instruct in the fine art of debate. Explain that debating is an extracurricular activity in many fine schools, and that a well-established set of rules governs the highly refined process. Amaze her with the fact that many perfectly sane people pay vast sums of money to learn the intricacies of that very process—in law school. Be sure, however, to show her how the process employed between parent and child differs from a standard court. In the High Court of Home, you are Supreme Court Judge—and you decide which things can be debated and which cannot, when an argument is concluded, and what the final decision will be, regardless of her finesse during the debate process.

One parenting skill that every parent of a Lawyer Wannabe would be wise to master, and use often, is offering choices instead of issuing commands. Kids with a ready answer to every statement often do very well when given a choice. In this story, if Judy would have revised her command —“Take out the trash while I’m making dinner”—into a choice—“Would you like to take out the trash now or after we eat?”—Jennifer may well have done the job without complain, since she has been given some control over her destiny. (If Jennifer concludes that she doesn’t want to do either, you can just smile and respond, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Now or after dinner?”)

Another way to reduce the number of times your Lawyer Wannabe takes on a case is to implement specific routines and rules in your home. As an example, if kitchen clean up and trash removal occurs immediately after the last bite of food is consumed at the table, and homework is done immediately after clean up, then your child will develop routine habits that leave less room for argument. In the same vein, having specific family rules that are agreed to and written down will create specific expectations between you.

A child’s desire to argue with a parent has its roots in the eternal childhood quest for power. And if she can provoke a spirited response from you, and open the floor for an argument between equal parties, she knows she has the power. You can take it away by implementing the procedures described in this chapter. Or you can choose to control how much power she has by setting limits to your debate or by giving her choices; this allows her the sense of control she’s after, while allowing you to retain firm grip on the gavel.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Question: I know my kid’s going to grow up to be a lawyer! He argues whenever he’s asked to do something. He debates his rights when he’s asked to stop doing something. He pleads his case when I tell him he can’t do something. He disputes every rule I create. How can I put an end to this?

Think about it:
It takes two to argue. Your child cannot “argue” by himself. That’s called “mumbling.”

Say it once:
Practice stating your case, then being quiet. Ignore your child’s argumentative comments, and walk away if you must. Let your child get used to your word being “final.”

Let ‘em complain a bit:
As long as it’s respectful, sometimes let your child have the last word. Often a statement, such as, “Why do I have to do it?” doesn’t require an answer, nor deserve one. Often, a child’s mutterings really mean, “I’ll do it ‘cus I have to, but I don’t like it.”

Set rules for debating:
Some children really do enjoy debating an issue. If your child is like this, set ground rules for when and how issues can be debated. For instance: no raising of voices, no name calling, quiet listening to the other person’s point of view. This behavior provides excellent practice for learning how to negotiate in life. In addition, your child must understand that some things cannot be argued, that there are some things the parents must decide. Have a standard reply for when an issue cannot be debated, such as, “This is not open for discussion.”

Offer choices:
Get in the habit of offering your child choices, instead of issuing commands. Children who are argumentative will have less opportunity to practice the skill if you offer a choice. For example, instead of saying, “Do your homework, right now,” offer a choice, such as, “What would you like to do first, your homework or the dishes?” (If the response is, “neither,” you can smile sweetly and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Homework or dishes?”)

Question:
My child talks back to me in such a disrespectful way it leaves me speechless. How do I put a stop to this?

Think about it:
Back-talk is addictive, so must be handled as a serious offense. A child who talks rudely to a parent once or twice and gets away with it will continue the behavior, and it will progressively get worse. Most children will attempt back-talk at some point. When a parent responds calmly and with authority the behavior will stop.

Announce your expectations:
If a child has developed a habit of back-talk it will take firm action to stop the behavior. Have a meeting with your child to announce that back-talk will no longer be tolerated. Decide on a series of consequences that will occur each time back-talk occurs. Consequences may involve losing a privilege, such as telephone use, television watching, or visits with friends. They may be an additional chore, or an earlier bedtime. Then announce the sequence in which the consequences will occur. “When you talk back in a disrespectful way you will lose your telephone privileges for the day. The second offense will cause you to lose your TV show for the night. The third will . . . Each day will start with a clean slate.” After the meeting, calmly and firmly follow through.

Don’t empower it:
Whenever a child talks back, immediately stop the conversation and walk out of the room or walk away from the child. If the child follows you, calmly and firmly announce that you will not tolerate disrespect, then pointedly ignore the child. Later, when you have calmed down, decide on an appropriate consequence for the back-talk.

Use a quarter-board:
Tape your child’s allowance, in quarters, to a piece of cardboard. Tell your child that each time he talks back to you he will lose a quarter from his allowance as a “fine.” He’ll get what’s left at the end of the week. If your child uses up all the quarters, begin to add a chore, or eliminate a privilege for each offense. Start fresh with each new week. This series of events is meant to be a temporary “training” situation. When the problem seems under control, let your child know that you appreciate his efforts to control the back-talk, and that you’ll no longer be charging the fine. However, make it clear that if the behavior ever becomes a problem again, you’d be happy to head to the bank for a roll of quarters.

Teach:
If a normally respectful child makes a disrespectful comment, look him in the eye and make a serious, firm comment such as, “That is back-talk and is not allowed.” Continue the conversation as if the back-talk did not occur, expecting the child to comply with your request. Do not empower the back-talk by arguing the issue that triggered it.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.