Children resort to aggressive behaviors because of a lack of wisdom and self-control. It is not a sign that a child is hateful or mean. Kids are human beings and human beings will get angry, we can’t prevent that. What we can do is teach our children how to handle their frustration and anger in appropriate ways. If your child uses these physical acts to express her feelings, use some of the following tips to change her behavior.

Intercede before it happens
Watch your child during playtime. When you see her becoming frustrated or angry – intervene. Coach her through the issue. Teach her what to do, or model what to say to her friend. Or if she seems too upset to learn, redirect her attention to another activity until her emotions level out.

Teach and explain
It’s one thing to tell a child what not to do or to step into an argument and solve it yourself. It’s another thing entirely to teach her what to do in advance of the next problem. This can be done through role-play, discussion, and reading a few children’s books about angry emotions.

Examine hidden causes
Is your child hungry, tired, sick, jealous, frustrated, bored or scared? If you can identify any feelings driving your child’s actions you can address those along with the aggressive behavior.

Give more attention to the injured party.
Often the child who hits gets so much attention that the action becomes a way of gaining the spotlight. Instead, give more attention to the child who was hurt. After a brief statement, “No hitting!” turn and give attention to the child who was wronged, “Come here and Mommy will give you a hug and read you a book.”

Teach positive physical touches.
Show your child how to hold hands during a walk or how to give a back rub or foot massage. Teach a few physical games, like tag or cat’s cradle. Under direct supervision, children who are more physical can gain a positive outlet for their physical energy.

Teach the clapping method
Tell a child to clap his hands whenever he feels an urge to hit. This gives him an immediate outlet for his emotions and helps him learn to keep his hands to himself. An alternate is to teach him to put his hands in his pockets when he feels like hitting. Reward with praise anytime you see he’s successful.

Give your child a time out
To use Time Out when a child acts out aggressively, immediately and gently take the child by the shoulders, look him in the eye and say, “No hurting others, time out.” Guide the child to a chair and tell him, “You may get up when you can play without hitting.” By telling him that he can get up when he’s ready, you let him know that he is responsible for controlling his own behavior. If the child gets up and hits again, say, “You are not ready to get up yet,” and direct him back to time out.

Avoid play hitting and wrestling
Young children who roughhouse with a parent or sibling during play time might then use these same actions during non-wrestling times. It can be hard for them to draw the line between the two. If you have a child who has trouble controlling his physical acts then avoid this kind of play.

Don’t lose control
When you see your child hurting another child it’s easy to get angry. This won’t teach your child what she needs to learn: how to control her emotions when others are making her mad. You are mad at her, so she’ll be watching how you handle your anger.

Don’t let your child watch violent TV or video games
Children can become immune to the impact of violence, and they may copy what they see depicted on the screen. Avoid viewing shows that portray aggression as an appropriate way of handling anger.

Don’t assume your child can figure it out
If your child comes to you about a difficult situation, don’t send him away for tattling. But don’t step in and handle it for him, either. View his call for help as an invitation to teach him important social skills.

Don’t focus on punishment
More than anything your child needs instructions on how to treat other human beings, particularly during moments of anger or frustration.
Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

If you’re a parent, it’s important to realize that in order for your child to be physically and emotionally healthy as well as a successful student, it’s vital for him to get a sufficient amount of quality sleep.

As research continues to emerge, we are realizing that a good night’s sleep is as important as proper nutrition — affecting mood, immunity, and the ability to learn. Unfortunately, children’s sleep problems are extremely common. In 2004, the National Sleep Foundation reported that a whopping 69 percent of children under the age of ten have sleep difficulties. Factors that contribute to this modern day malady include lax rules, difficulty transitioning from the family bed, stress, overstimulation and the media.

While the number of children with sleep problems is staggering, by improving sleep hygiene and teaching children to relax, the majority of them are relatively easy to solve. But most parenting books on the subject focus on babies and give scant attention to the most useful long term solution for children — which is to teach them to purposely relax their bodies and minds so that they can relax and fall asleep.

The majority of sleep experts advise parents to abruptly withdraw their attention at bedtime–with no mention of teaching a child self-soothing skills. But many parents are looking for help after having shared their bed or assisted their child to fall asleep for months or even years. When children are abruptly expected to fall asleep without any assistance it sets the scene for the all too familiar nightly bedtime battle.

If parents consistently ignore their children’s anguished pleas for attention, after weeks of tears and tantrums, children will eventually begin to fall asleep on their own. But in the same amount of time, parents could have avoided the battles–by teaching their kids to relax themselves to sleep while gradually and systematically decreasing their attention.

Children’s two most frequent sleep problems involve not being able to fall asleep and awakening during the night unable to fall back asleep. Brief night awakening is normal; however, once kids learn to fall asleep independently at bedtime, they will be able to fall back asleep when they briefly awaken during the night.

For children, learning to relax and fall asleep on their own is an important step towards independence. However, the benefits of conscious relaxation far outweigh even this worthwhile achievement. By learning to purposefully relax and calm themselves, children will become more resilient and better equipped to deal with life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Ways to solve your child’s sleep problems:

Pinpoint the problem by keeping a sleep journal.
For at least a week, record your child’s sleep habits. This will help you to recognize the behaviors or habits that are contributing to a child’s sleep difficulties or alert you to a more serious problem. If you determine that you need a physician’s assistance, your observations will be invaluable in helping your doctor make an accurate assessment.

Have a set bedtime.
Children should consistently go to bed at the same time every night. Even on the weekends, bedtime should not vary by more than one hour a night or a total of two hours for the entire weekend.

Have a consistent bedtime routine.
Create a consistent bedtime ritual — in a predictable calming environment that serves as a bridge between the excitement of daytime and the restful quiet of nighttime.

Practice relaxation techniques.
During the bedtime routine, take a few minutes to practice self-soothing relaxation techniques such as progressive relaxation, attending to the breath, and visualization.

If your child has trouble falling asleep, use the Fade Technique.
Gradually, give your child less and less direction as he uses self-soothing techniques to relax and fall asleep. At first, you may want to sit on the edge of your child’s bed while he or she follows the relaxation directions on The Floppy Sleep Game Book CD. Or, you can teach your child to relax through a relaxation routine that you create yourself. Over a period of time, as your child becomes more familiar with the relaxation routine, sit further and further away until he or she no longer needs you in the room to relax and fall asleep.

About The Author
Dubbed “The Dream Maker” by People magazine, Patti Teel is a former teacher and the author of The Floppy Sleep Game Book, which gives parents techniques to help their children relax or fall asleep. She is holding Dream Academy workshops at schools, hospitals, and libraries across the country where parents and children learn the playful relaxation techniques from her book and widely acclaimed children’s audio series. Children at the Dream Academy workshops practice the three R’s by resting their bodies, relaxing their minds, and refreshing their spirits. Visit her online at www.pattiteel.com.

Think back to when you were growing up, and all the times when you felt self-doubt, confusion, and frustration. It’s tough growing up! You can help your children get through the bumps and bruises of childhood by simply being there for them. Children need to know that when the whole world feels like it’s crashing down around them, they have one safe, secure place to go, and one bottomless source of unconditional love.

Listening is as much a skill as giving a speech is a skill. It’s not just a matter of picking up sounds: active listening involves an array of behaviors that express your attention, empathy, and respect. Listening to your children in this way will go far toward convincing them of your unconditional love. Keep these guidelines in mind when your child has something important to say to you:

1. Put down your paper or dishtowel. Shut off the TV. Maintain as much eye contact as your child seems comfortable with. Make body contact, such as a hand to the shoulder, if that seems appropriate. Often, when children are trying to express a problem, thought or concern, their parents say they are listening, but half of their attention is somewhere else. You can’t con a child this way. Typically, a few minutes of sincere, attentive listening is worth more than an hour of letting your child talk while you carry on with another activity.
2. Don’t rush to jump in with solutions, ideas or lectures. Often, children just need a sounding board. They need another person listening to give them an opportunity to figure out exactly what they want to do. Solving your child’s problem may give you the relief of ending his or her discomfort; but, in the long term, it’s worth far more to them to get the support they need to formulate solutions on their own.
3. Demonstrate that you’re listening by asking appropriate questions and making “listening” sounds such as: “Hmmm,” “Oh,” “Really?” “Darn!” “Wow!”
4. Validates your child’s fears and feelings. When our children come to us with negative emotions, it’s far too tempting to minimize them: “Oh, don’t worry about it.” “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” These comments do much more harm than good. It’s important for children to learn to trust their own feelings and to listen to them. By brushing them off, you’re giving your child the message that his or her feelings are wrong or unimportant. You can validate your child’s feelings instead with such comments as, “That sounds embarrassing.” “It can hurt to feel left out.” “That must be frustrating.”
5. Help your child to focus on possible solutions, rather than getting mired in the problem. If the situation isn’t one that can be solved — if it’s a condition rather than a problem — encourage your child to express his or her feelings fully, and then move on. Help your child use forward thinking phrases like, “I bet you wish…” or “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” or “What do you think you’ll do now?”

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Question:
Our first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards the new baby. He’s obviously mad at us for disrupting the predictable flow of his life with this new challenger for our attention. How can we smooth things out?

Think about it:
Before the baby entered your family, your toddler was told he’d have a wonderful little brother to play with, and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother is born and your toddler is thinking, “Are you kidding me? This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed to be FUN?” He then “plays” with the baby in the only ways he knows how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing toys at the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You yell at him to get the blanket off the baby. He gives the kid a hug, and you admonish him to be more careful. Is it any wonder that your toddler is confused?

Teach:
Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how to interact with his new sibling in proper ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that you’ve achieved your second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together. Yes, I know. It isn’t convenient. But it is necessary, maybe even critical.

Hover:
Whenever the children are together, “hover” close by. If you see your child about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of “Nos,” which may actually encourage the aggressive behavior.

Teach soft touches:
Teach the older sibling how to give the baby a back rub. Tell how this kind of touching calms the baby, and praise the older child for a job well done. This lesson teaches the child how to be physical with the baby in a positive way.

Act quickly:
Every time you see your child hit, or act roughly with the baby, act quickly. You might firmly announce, “No hitting, time out.” Place the child in a time-out chair with the statement, “You can get up when you can use your hands in the right way.” Allow him to get right up if he wants – as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This isn’t punishment, after all. It’s just helping him learn that rough actions aren’t going to be permitted.

Demonstrate:
Children learn what they live. Your older child will be watching as you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You are your child’s most important teacher. You are demonstrating in everything you do, and your child will learn most from watching you.

Praise:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important “older brother.” Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.

Watch your words:
Don’t blame everything on the baby. “We can’t go to the park; the baby’s sleeping.” “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” “After I change the baby I’ll help you.” At this point, your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. “My hands are busy now.” “We’ll go after lunch.” “I’ll help you in three minutes.”

Be supportive:
Acknowledge your child’s unspoken feelings, such as “Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.” Keep your comments mild and general. Don’t say, “I bet you hate the new baby.” Instead, say, “It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby.” or “I bet you wish we could go to the park now, and not have to wait for the baby to wake up.” When your child knows that you understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to act up to get your attention.

Give extra love:
Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs, and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

Get ‘em involved:
Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let the older sibling open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby’s socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

Making each feel special:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair! Children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

Take a deep breath and be calm.
This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards, and focus on your current priority, adjusting to your new family size.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Mothers have always known that singing is an easy way to keep babies happy. But is there more to it than just silly rhymes and gestures?

Sandra Trehub at the University of Toronto seems to think so.

“Songs capture and hold babies’ attention more than ordinary speech does,” explains Trehub. “You can even see it-babies calm down and fix their eyes on the mothers when they sing. It’s a highly pleasurable experience for them.”

Trehub, a professor of psychology, has studied music in the lives of babies for the past thirty years. Her research, supported by the Social Sciences and Humanities Research Council (SSHRC), shows that babies are more interested in lullabies than other songs and can even tell the difference between a real mother’s voice and a recording.

According to Trehub, mothers perform songs for their babies in a distinctive way. When they sing to their babies they add emotional qualities that are absent when they sing to others or to themselves.

“The baby’s presence influences the mother’s feelings and these feelings are reflected in her performance,” says Trehub.

Trehub is now working to determine whether babies’ attention to songs can be used to help them learn. She’s already discovered that babies as young as 13 months of age can be taught new words using songs.

So keep on singing those songs, moms! You and your children will be happier for it.

You can learn about other SSHRC-funded research on the Council’s Web site (www.sshrc.ca).

- News Canada

You Will Love Them The Same
You have so much love in you for your first baby. You probably never imagined that you could love another person as much as you love your baby. You may be asking yourself now, how in the world could you love this new baby as much as your first child. Well not only is it possible, but it is very probably. The love a parent feels for their child can not be described adequately to someone who is not a parent themselves. This love is able to multiply, grow, and mirror itself in all your children. You may find it hard to believe before your baby is born, but you will find that you feel the same amount of love for your new baby as you did for your first.

Spreading out Moms Attention
It is a fact — newborns need A LOT of attention. Not only that, but they can be pretty boring, at least to an older siblings eyes. A toddler may see the new baby as a “thing that just eats, sleeps and cries”, but somehow manages to monopolize all of their mommy’s time, so that mommy can’t play anymore. In many cases this is true. With a newborn when mom isn’t feeding or changing the baby she is probably cleaning up after the baby, making the next meal, or cleaning the house. When that is done the new baby is probably crying again, ready to eat. The baby is too small to play with his older sibling, and at this point really needs nor wants anything but his mother.

It is important to try to take time to sit and color or play like you did before with your other children. Also try to include them in your effort to take care of their new brother or sister. Ask them to bring you a diaper and wipes, or to pick out an outfit for the baby to wear from the closet. Let them sit next to you while you are feeding the baby and touch the baby’s feet, or hold his hands. If you include your first child it can cut down on the level of resentment that he may feel towards the new baby.

It Will Get Easier
The first six months of your new baby’s life is probably the hardest, not only for you but for your older children as well. Until your new baby can sit, play and interact more with his siblings, he isn’t going to be seen as fun or exciting. However, as soon as your older children are able to play and interact with their baby brother or sister, it can help set and strengthen a bond between them that can not be broken. It won’t be long before your new baby is running around and chasing after his older brothers or sisters.

Adding Number Three, Four or More!
In some areas having your third baby is easier than having your second. By the time you have number three, number one and two are already playing with each other, neither of them demanding too much of your attention. Number one is definitely old enough to help out, and number two might be as well. If your older children are old enough, they might even be able to help set the table, gather laundry and do the dishes. You will also have more little faces to play with, talk to and teach your newborn as he grows.

Making the transition is easier than some would think. After all what choice do you really have? Remember to remain patient with all your kids, and know that your older ones may get a little testy. Show them all as much love as you possibly can, and know that in time, ever obstacle that comes your way, will pass.

Prepare Your Child for the Changes Ahead
Explain in realistic terms what changes will occur when the baby arrives. Tell your child that new babies cry a lot — when they are tired, hungry, hot or cold, have a wet diaper, need to be cuddled, or sometimes just because they are babies.

Setting up realistic expectations will help them through this challenging, exhilarating time. And, always refer to the baby as “ours” to let your older child have ownership in the arrival of your new member.

Let Your Child Discuss Things Bothering Him
Being heard is probably the most crucial thing you can do to help your child with the transition. And, understand that jealousy is universal. All children experience it in some manner. It is not a predictor of how well your children will relate to each other in later years. But, we do know that if children are not allowed, and even encouraged, to express negative feelings, these feelings will come out in non-productive ways.

Help your child talk through any negative feelings about the baby. This may be difficult for you to hear, but it is much better than the alternative. Anger, jealousy and confusion when kept inside can turn into violence. Children will find a way to express these feelings, through either physical or emotional outlets, if safe spaces for communicating these ideas are not created.

Reassure Your Child You Love Them
It is so important to keep reminding your older children how special they are to you, how much you love them, and how there is no one that could ever take their place in your heart and in your life. Lots of extra hugs and cuddles are a definite must!

Avoid Comparisons
We want to allow our children to be and become their own special selves. Highlight your children’s unique gifts and mirror those back to them so they can see and be proud of their own talents and qualities.

Comparisons are just one of the ways we can cause jealousy and anger. Be aware of your actions and words; children are very sensitive during times of change.

Set Aside Alone Time with Your Older Child
Have your partner, a friend or a sitter watch the baby and take your child out for special times (to the park, to get ice cream or for a walk — just the two of you). Also, use the baby’s naptime to read, sing, dance, play, and talk to your older child.

Time alone will be crucial to your child’s self-esteem and to let them know how important they are to you.

Ask Your Older Child for Help
Explain that babies need lots of extra attention because they can’t do anything for themselves. They will need help eating, getting dressed, bathing – and all of these are things that the big brother/sister can help with. Giving them responsibility with the new baby makes them feel special and a part of the new energy around the baby.

Don’t make the mistake of building an artificial wall between the baby and the older sibling in an effort to protect the new baby. Instead, broaden your already existing family circle to allow for your new member. Don’t shut out the older siblings, but allow them to nurture, cuddle, rock, feed and even help with changing diapers for the baby.

Allow your older child to keep special toys and clothes. Seeing all your toys disappear into the baby’s room can cause anger and jealousy. Know that your older child may have outgrown certain toys but still be attached to others (stuffed animals in particular).

Just Because He Is OLDER Doesn’t Mean He is “Older”
Overnight, your child’s role has changed in the family. Don’t expect him to grow up overnight just because he is the big brother. Many children revert to younger behaviors when the baby arrives and want you to call them baby, too. Knowing that this is perfectly normal (and only temporary) will help you deal with their changes.

Don’t Fuss
There will be enough relatives lavishing attention on the baby and plenty of time for that when your older child is not present. You should talk to your child about all the attention that the baby will get. Let your older child know that you understand how he feels with all the attention going to someone else.

Reinforce the Positives
Try to point out your children’s accomplishments and lavish praise on them. Reinforcing all the good things they do is extremely important at a time that will be full of “don’ts.” It is only natural that there will be many negative rules that will be established (Don’t scream around the baby, don’t pull the baby’s arms, etc.), but remember to focus on the positives.