It’s easy for parents today to get swept up in their children’s lives. From the minute we take them home, put on their first diapers, and give them their first bottles, we begin trying our best to fulfill all of our children’s needs and demands. Get some tips for reconnecting and romance from Kathryn Sansone, who’s mom to 10 kids as well as the author of Woman First, Family Always: Real-Life Wisdom from a Mother of Ten.

While I am a firm believer in being a thoughtful, committed parent, I also know that if couples don’t put their relationship first (most of the time), then no amount of devotion to their kids will keep their relationship alive.

That said, I also realize that it’s not easy to keep a healthy balance between thinking of ourselves as both partners and as parents. How do we achieve the right balance that makes us feel that we are doing a good job as parents without losing sight of the reason you became a family in the first place?

Carve out time
Despite so many kids, so many demands, and so much enjoyment we get from our kids, Jim and I always carve out time for just the two of us. It’s not always easy, but we don’t waste time trying to figure out if we deserve it.

One night last summer we did just that. It was a Friday and I had been with the kids all week. I was exhausted and had spent all my energy reserves. As usual the kids had a swim meet and Jim and I had planned to meet there to watch them race. When he arrived from the office, we took one look at each other and knew we needed to create time for just the two of us. At the end of the swim meet, we took the kids to McDonald’s (not something we regularly do) and then home. Once they were showered, in their pajamas, and set for bed, we headed out the door, leaving the older kids to babysit.

We didn’t deliberate over whether the kids were okay — we knew they were safe and sound. And we also knew it was just as important for us to have time alone. We had a lovely — albeit short — dinner out and enjoyed every minute of it.

The best gift you can give your children is a loving relationship with your spouse. When children know — and witness — their parents putting aside time for each other, kids understand that their parents are committed to each other. They also know that their parents love each other. In turn this love between their parents makes kids feel safe, enabling them to grow unhindered, following their own unique destinies.

On the other hand when children are always put first or experience rancor between their parents, constant fighting, verbal violence, or a lack of trust, then children question the very root of their foundation. Such a lack of safety breeds internal chaos and insecurity — two obstacles to healthy self-esteem and confidence. Show your love
For both your children’s sake and your own, it’s important to put energy into your primary relationship. Show your love toward him in front of your kids. Take time to be alone with your spouse. Your kids couldn’t have a better gift than to know their parents love and respect each other and like to spend time with each other.

Taking time to reconnect
Even if you feel wiped out at the end of the day, you will feel reenergized simply by reconnecting with your spouse. Granted you may not have the energy to greet him with a beautiful smile on your face each night, but if you do it often enough, he will know that you care about him in that way.

Consider these ways to reconnect with your spouse:

Last week I attended a presentation from Parenting Expert and well-known author, Stephen Biddulph on “Raising Boys”. As I have an 11 year old son, I was interested to hear what Stephen had to say. In fact, so were the other 800 other parents in the room!

The key point that I picked up on was that boys from the age of 6 -14 really need ‘time’ with their dads. That is the most influential period in their lives when they bond with him. And the type of time they need is not all thrown into a once a week or month block or some exotic holiday once a year, they need to spend time with their sons on a regular basis. Otherwise how can you build a strong and stable relationship?

For the single mums reading this, don’t despair. If you are estranged from your partner and bringing up your son is your responsibility, having a positive male role model in his life ie. uncle, brother, grandfather teacher, tennis coach etc. will work as well.

What’s happening in our society in the chase for the almighty dollar and in many instances the big ego, our relationships are breaking down. People are totally dominated by their work and have little energy to invest in themselves and their families.

Planning Personal Time
It’s very interesting to note that every client I have coached … male or female, whether they are the business owner, director, executive or whatever title they hold, all have the same common goal… they want more time for their personal life.

They do not want to start work at 7.30 a.m. and return home at 7.00 p.m. They are committed and enjoy what they do, however they are not prepared to sacrifice their own relationships and wellbeing anymore. THE PRICE IS NOT WORTH IT!

You Can Turn Your Life Around
And do you know what the three key things you need to do to turn your life around? Learn to say ‘no’, how to manage your time and then take action.

That’s right. Everyone tells you how busy and how little time they have, yet most people do nothing to learn the skills that will have a dramatic impact on their work and personal lives.

You have to plan time to get things done. Do you want to spend more time with your family? Do you know how to plan for it? How much time do you spend working? How much time do you invest in yourself to learn how to be more effective? Are you hoping that one day, work will ease off and then you can spend more time with your family? Do you really need a bigger house, nicer car or overseas holiday? Will that improve your relationships? Do you think that you’ll (hopefully) stumble on the secrets to getting more time back in your life? If that’s the way you live your life, your kids will probably be all grown up and not really need you.

Cats in the Cradle
For those of you old enough to remember, Cat Stevens recorded a song called “Cats in the Cradle”. It was about a young boy whose Dad was always busy working. He never seemed to be available when his son wanted to be with him. Over the years this continued until the boy became an adult. By then his Dad had retired and had time on his hands, however his son had now become too busy to see his Dad. He too was working and had kids. The tables had turned. All of a sudden the Dad realised what he had done. He was too busy caught up in his work and missed out on his son growing up.

The Final Word
For those of you who have managed to maintain a good balance in your life, congratulations. No doubt you are happier, healthier and more fulfilled. For the rest of you who are unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilled, then you need to take action if you are serious about wanting to make changes. Do it, because nothing changes if nothing changes!

Have a great week!

Lorraine Pirihi

PS: I highly recommend you invest in Stephen Biddulph’s best-selling book “Manhood”. A must for men and women.

It’s available from major bookstores.

About The Author
Lorraine Pirihi is Australia’s Personal Productivity Specialist, Leading Life Coach and a dynamic presenter. She runs her own business The Office Organiser specialising in working with Small Business Owners and Managers helping them to dramatically improve their productivity, reduce the stress and the mess and have more time for living life! With a Bachelor of Experience, a PHD in Commonsense and a Masters in Results, Lorraine is Australia’s expert on how to get organized at work so you can have a life too! Book Lorraine today for your next event. It will be the best investment of your time and money you ever make! Tel: (+613)9532 5497 lorraine@office-organiser.com.au