“What are you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?” My seven-year-old son looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor. He stood statue-still, as children often do after an accident. The words and tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to fight the tears, and prepared to clean things up.

When I thought about it later, I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame and anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings too painful to deal with.

The truth was difficult.

I was teaching my son to feel shame.

How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst” in us?

The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They are often at the heart of toxic relations between parents and children. When we’re unable to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include frustration, humiliation, and anger. Our own sense of being defective may accompany the sense of shame, and may be related to our history as a child.

As children, there were times when we felt misunderstood and mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.

When we become parents, we are constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings and defenses.

When we’re “in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions, and about what’s right and wrong.

And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all—the needs of our children.

Here are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:

It’s a biological reality and a tiring facet of new parenthood: babies wake up frequently during the night. Luckily, there are a number of ways that you can help your baby sleep better.

Sleeping Noises
Babies make many noises during the night, and not all of these noises mean they need attention. Some of these are sleeping noises, and though your baby may be grunting or whimpering, he isn’t even fully awake. Often he is transitioning between sleep cycles, and if let alone will return to sleep on his own. If your little one is down the hallway and you’re listening in on the monitor, you may find yourself making many trips to the crib only to find that he’s still asleep, or even worse, you may unknowingly be waking him when you enter his room to check on him.

Consider nestling your baby beside you in a co-sleeping bassinet like the Arm’s Reach patented attachment. You can stay in your own bed while you listen to his noises. When you wake up and hear your baby’s sounds, don’t immediately respond — just wait and listen. He may not need your help to return to quiet sleep. Therefore, when he doesn’t fully awaken, neither do you!

If your baby really is waking up, he may just need your touch and reassurance to go back to sleep — simply reach over, pat him, rub him or gently jiggle him and murmur quiet shushing noises. This may be all he needs to return to sleep.

When a pat and a “shh” isn’t enough, your baby likely needs to be fed. It’s important to allow him to remain in a sleepy state and fall back to sleep quickly. Simply pull him close to you for feeding. Avoid unnecessary diaper changes, don’t turn on any lights and don’t play with him — the goal is to help him fall back to sleep quickly so that he will develop longer night sleep spans.

With a little practice you’ll learn how to tell the difference between your baby’s awake noises and sleepy noises. Handling this appropriately will encourage your baby to sleep through the night much sooner.

The Secret to Your Breastfed Baby’s All-Night Sleep
Many babies develop a very strong association between breastfeeding and sleep. Often babies head toward their first birthday and are still waking Mommy up multiple times in the night to nurse.

If your baby is waking every hour or two to breastfeed, you can try to solve this by moving him over to his Arm’s Reach Co-Sleeper Bassinet after he is done actively nursing, but before he is totally asleep — when his rate of sucking changes to an intermittent fluttery pace (which is more for pacifying than nourishment). Once you move him he can fall asleep independently. You can reach over and pat or rub him as he falls asleep if necessary.

A Co-Sleeping Family’s Best Friend
Families who choose the family bed as their infant’s primary sleeping place will find that the Arm’s Reach solves several of the typical problems that arise from exclusive co-sleeping; naptime and making the change to independent sleep when the time is right.

The first benefit of the Arm’s Reach unit is how it can help your baby to have naptime independence. An endless number of co-sleeping mothers must sleep with their babies for nearly every naptime, since their little one cannot sleep alone. This can be frustrating for a mother who doesn’t want to take a daily nap, has other children to tend to, work to complete or who just needs a little time for herself. A baby will welcome the familiar place for naptime. (Just remember to stay nearby or use a baby monitor to keep an ear on your baby.)

Preparing Your Baby for Independent Sleep
The Arm’s Reach Bedside Co-Sleeper Bassinet is a wonderful tool for preparing your baby for independent sleep. Moving your baby from the family bed is best done gradually, and a bedside attachment is a wonderful first step in independent sleep. Your baby is still very close by, can be easily tended in the night, yet experience solitary sleep that can prepare him for the time when he’ll have his own bed.

Vacation with Your Baby
Since the Arm’s Reach unit folds up easily for traveling, you’ll find that it’s a life-saver when you’re taking baby on a vacation. Trips are notorious sleep disrupters, but bringing your baby’s normal sleeping place along with you can provide security and comfort to allow him to sleep easily in an unusual place. Follow your usual bedtime routine, no matter where you are. If you bring along your baby’s regular bedding and crib toys, and add a familiar sound — such as lullabies or a white noise recording — your little one will be sleeping normally just about anywhere!

Courtesy of ARA Content

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

In their efforts to encourage their baby to sleep better, one approach that many parents use is to put their baby to bed later in the evening. They think, “If he’s “really tired” he’ll sleep better, right?” Wrong! This often backfires because Baby becomes overtired, and chronically sleep-deprived.

In the majority of cases, a baby’s biological clock is preset for an early bedtime. When parents work with that time, a baby falls asleep more easily and stays asleep more peacefully. Most babies are primed to go to sleep for the night as early as 6:30 or 7:00 p.m. I often hear about how babies and toddlers have a “melt down” period at the end of the day, when they get fussy, whiny and out of sorts. I suspect that it’s simply a sign of over-tired children longing for sleep.

Early to bed, early to rise?
For babies, early to bed does not mean early to rise! Most babies sleep longer with an earlier bedtime. Many parents are afraid to put their baby to bed so early, thinking that they will then face a 5 a.m. wake up call. But keeping your little one up too late backfires, and more often, a late night is the one followed by that early morning awakening.

My youngest child, two-year-old Coleton used to go to bed at 9:30, the time when my three older children went to bed, because it was convenient for me. At that time in the evening, it would take him a long time to get settled. I never connected his inability to settle with his late bedtime. When I started putting him to bed at 7:00, he fell asleep much more quickly and slept more soundly.

What About Working Parents?
If you are a working parent, and your evening with your little one begins at 6:30 or 7:00, you may find yourself torn between keeping your baby up for some playtime and getting him right to bed. You may find, though, that when your baby goes to sleep earlier, and sleeps better, he awakens in a pleasant mood, eager to play. Because you have gotten a good night’s sleep, you can consider getting up earlier in the morning and saving some time before work to play with your baby, as an alternative to that late-evening play session. You’ll both enjoy that special morning time. Later, when your baby is consistently sleeping all night, every night, you can move bedtime a little later and judge whether the difference affects your baby’s sleep.

Finding Your Baby’s Best Bedtime
It can take some experimentation to find your baby’s best bedtime. If you have been putting your baby to bed too late in the evening, you can approach this adjustment in one of two different ways:

• Adjust your baby’s bedtime to be earlier by fifteen to thirty minutes every two or three nights. Pay attention to how easily your baby falls asleep as well as his awakening time and mood to gauge the effectiveness of the changes until you settle on his best bedtime, or�
   
• Beginning at around 6:30 p.m., watch your baby closely. As soon as he exhibits any signs of tiredness (fussing, losing interest in toys, looking glazed, yawning) put him right to bed, even if his previous bedtime has been 11:00 p.m. When you do this, keep your home quiet and the baby’s room dark so that it resembles his usual environment in the middle of the night. If this bedtime is substantially earlier than usual, your baby may think he’s going down for a nap and awaken after a short snooze. If he does this, respond very quickly so that he doesn’t fully awaken. Follow your usual method for helping him fall back to sleep, such as rocking or nursing; keep the room dark and quiet as you do during the middle of the night.

Here’s what Tammy, mother of seven-month-old Brooklyn had to say about changing her baby’s bedtime, “I had been waiting until 10:00 to put Brooklyn to bed because that’s when I go to sleep. But your suggestion made so much sense that last night I put her down at 8:00. I loved having the evening to spend with my husband. We haven’t spent that much time alone together in months! And the baby actually had a better night’s sleep. I’m happy that all our needs can be met in such a pleasant way.”

It may take a week or more of adjustment to settle into a new bedtime, but once you do, you’ll find that both you and your baby are happier.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.