by Armin Brott

Dear Mr. Dad: A close friend of mine wants to have a baby but she has no interest in being in a relationship with a man. I’ve been telling her that her baby will be a lot better off with a father around but she says dads don’t bond with kids and that having a man around the house won’t have any effect on the baby. Who’s right?

Armin answers: You are — although it’s not hard to understand where your friend got her information. Just about every scientific study done on attachment and bonding has focused on mothers and their children. But over the past ten years or so a few researchers have begun taking a look at father-child attachment. What they’re finding isn’t really that much of a surprise. In fact, it’s what just about any man you know would tell you: the father-child bond is just as important as the mother-child bond.

For six-month old babies, for example, the more actively involved the fathers are, the higher the babies score on mental and motor development tests. Babies whose dads do a lot of basic, mundane childcare activities such as feeding, changing diapers, giving baths, and dressing, handle stressful situations better than babies whose dads aren’t as involved. Some researchers have linked high levels of father involvement with higher math scores later on in school and to generally higher than age-level scores on verbal intelligence tests. And active fathering seems to be positively correlated with children’s increased social adjustment and competence, and to higher levels of self esteem.

The bottom line is that children who live with involved, sensitive, and responsible fathers are better off than kids whose don’t. They get along better with their peers, stay in school longer and do better while they’re there, are less likely to abuse drugs or alcohol or to get pregnant (or get someone else pregnant) while in their teens, and they grow up to be more caring and sensitive adults.

Women, too, benefit from father involvement. Division of labor issues are the number one marital stressor, and the more support mothers get from their husbands, the less depressed they are, the happier they are in their marriages, and the better they perform their parenting duties. Finally, men themselves benefit from their own increased involvement with their families and children. Involved fathers tend to be more “generative” (giving, nurturing, and helpful), more occupationally mobile, more successful in their careers, and more likely to choose jobs that are people-oriented. In addition, men whose wives are happy in their marriages tend to be happier themselves. And men who are happy in their marriages are generally more involved in their fathering role.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

When you become a new grandparent, your first instinct may be to shower your new grandchild with gifts. These gifts may include anything from toys to books to clothes. Of course, it is more than possible for you to purchase surprise gifts for your grandchild and you should, but you should also know the importance of your time. In fact, did you know that time is the greatest gift that you can give?

As nice as it is to hear that time is the greatest gift that you could give your grandchild, you may be wondering how time can compare to gifts. For starters, it is important to examine the age of your grandchild. If you are a new grandparent, it is likely that your grandchild is either a newborn or an infant. Many grandparents do not realize that at these stages, children do not know who purchases what for them. On the other hand, your grandchild will be able to comprehend the time, love, and affection that you give them.

It is also important to examine the benefits of spending time with your grandchild. In the early stages of life, children need as much love and support as possible. In fact, the favorite activity of most newborns and infants simply involves cuddling. This cuddling will not only help you form a tight bond with your new grandchild, but it will also ensure that they feel loved and supported. Although their parents will also show their love, support, and affection, there is nothing like the love of a grandparent and your grandchild will know this, no matter how young or old they are.

When spending quality time with your new grandchild, you will likely want to do more than just cuddle. This often leaves many new grandparents wondering what they should do. In all honesty, it really doesn’t matter. Having a constant presence in your grandchild’s life is often involvement enough. Remember that your time, alone, is the greatest gift that you can give. With that in mind, you may want to engage in floor play with your grandchildren, read or sing to them, as well as take walks.

Your time and the positive impacts that it will have on your grandchild cannot be emphasized enough. Children who grow up constantly surrounded by love and support are more likely to feel secure and will continue to have their own healthy and love filled relationships later on in life.

by Caron B. Goode

From the moment a pregnant woman intuitively strokes her growing belly, a bond forms. In response to this gentle massage, the unborn child will move her arms, legs, and head. This exchange of movement and the mutual feelings it evokes initiates a bond between mother and child. Bonds, such as this, that start with touch can be one of the strongest and most influential for infants and children of all ages.

For infants, touch is their primary sense. It is how they experience and respond to their environment and their caregivers. Countless studies have proven that for infants, touch is essential to growth and well being. According to Frederick Leboyer, French obstetrician and author of Loving Hands-The Traditional Art of Baby Massage, “Being touched and caressed, massaged, is food for the infant. Food as necessary as minerals, vitamins and proteins.”

The link between touch, growth, and bonding begins in the womb. In the embryo there is a layer of cells called the extoderm. These cells produce both the skin and the nervous system. This physiological connection is the foundation through which the embryo experiences life. Touch and movement provide the growing child with awareness and the innate knowledge that she is alive. This awareness will follow her through birth and into the world where touch will continue to play a key role in her development.

Developmentally, touch is crucial to brain growth and the cultivation of coping skills. The ability to cope with stress begins in infancy. Touch contributes to this by encouraging the brain to integrate nerve impulses. This helps create neurological, chemical, emotional, and cognitive patterns that reduce the harmful effects of stress. An infant experiences stress when she is hungry, wet, under/over stimulated, or in need of physical contact. When a parent answers her cries with comfort and loving touch, she learns to trust her feelings and the messages her body is sending. She also learns to trust and experience the emotional bond she shares with her caregiver. When comforting touch and a secure loving bond is combined with empathy, the child learns to accept and calm herself. This is the first step towards regulating her emotions and developing resilience.

Successful infant bonding begins with touch. Touch is soothing and a natural way of showing love. When a child is in need or disoriented due to stress, movement or action combined with touch helps her regain balance. If this action emphatically answers the child’s need without imposing the parent’s perception, then the child learns to trust herself. She feels safe within her body and her environment. These responses are the building blocks for how the child will connect with the world and handle adversity. Also important to infant bonding are expressions of positive emotion and love. The child who has smiling, cooing parents feels a positive connection with them. She knows and feels their love. This connection is often takes the form of intense mutual emotional engagement. Examples of this include staring into her parent’s eyes or enjoying a ritual such as bath time or massage. These periods are essential to the bonding process. Likewise, breaking these connections paves the path for integrating stress. When there is a reduction in emotional arousal, such as bedtime, a child learns to trust. She learns to trust that when she needs her parents, they will be there to reconnect with her. Sarah’s story illustrates the ebb and flow of connection, reconnection, and trust.

Sarah’s Story
After giving birth to her daughter Sarah, Helen instinctively places the child on her chest. She rubs Sarah’s back and kisses her cheek. The comfort of these gestures helps calm Sarah. After a few minutes, her father, Tim, scoops her into his arms and begins stroking her legs. With gentle and loving touch, Sarah is welcomed into this world. Upon their arrival home, Sarah’s parents continue to offer her comforting touch and loving looks. Her mother and father stare into her tiny face; only too happy to share the joy they feel. Their happiness is transferred to Sarah and she feels their love.

Several weeks go by, and all the while Sarah is rocked, cuddled, nursed, and fawned over. During this time, Sarah and her parents establish a sense of communication. By reading her cues, Tim and Helen are able to anticipate Sarah’s needs. At eight weeks of age, Sarah is able to focus and lock eyes with her mother. Throughout the day, mother and child share quiet moments staring into each other’s eyes. More often than not, Sarah is the one who breaks the connection. She signals that the moment is over by turning her head, moving her arms or kicking her legs. At this point, Helen turns her concentration elsewhere. She talks to Tim, answers the phone or attends to household chores.

From time to time, Helen and Tim become distracted and do not realize that Sarah is in need. Her cries let them know that she wants attention. These cries bring Tim and Helen back to Sarah. They intuitively use touch to calm her until her needs are met. By touching and responding with empathy, her parents give Sarah a sense of safety and security. By consistently attending to Sarah in this way, they help her establish a foundation on which her future coping skills will be built.

About the Author
Dr. Caron B. Goode is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training and certification program for parent coaches. In addition to duties with the academy, Goode is the founder of the website InspiredParenting.net, and the author of ten books, the most recent of which is Nurture Your Child’s Gift: Inspired Parenting and Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma. For more information on The Academy for Coaching Parents International or to sign up for academy announcements, visit www.acpi.biz.

Bonding is the loving process of forming an attachment or emotional connection with your baby. For most parents bonding is an immediate response which happens during the first hours or days of life. For your baby however, the attachment is not instant.

It forms gradually and is established over time.

A secure attachment develops from predictable, responsive, and nurturing care giving. One of the most basic tasks your baby undertakes is figuring out how it can get its needs met. Promptly responding to your baby’s needs in a loving manner will help him develop a strong sense of trust in you, himself, and his environment. The quality of an infant’s initial attachment is extremely important. It lays the foundation for your baby’s ability to learn, develop confidence, and to form healthy relationships.

Holding, talking, singing, rocking, cuddling and other nurturing interactions between you and your baby are bonding experiences. Not only do these interactions strengthen the emotional connection between you and your baby, it also strengthens their learning connections.

Here are some tips for deepening the bond between your baby and you:

1. Provide your baby with plenty of face-to-face interaction. Bring your face close to your baby’s and gaze into each others eyes. Your smiling face, changing expressions, and loving voice will captivate him.�
    
2. Loving touches nourish your baby’s emotional development and improve sensory awareness. Gently kiss and stroke your baby whenever you dress or change her. As your baby is feeding, caress her cheeks, shoulders, and arms. Gently rub its delicate little hands and fingers.�
    
3. Baby massage is one of the most nurturing gifts that you can give your baby. It is a language of love between parent and child, which provides so many benefits. It relaxes, reduces stress, and helps your baby to sleep.�
    
4. Skin-to-skin contact is soothing and comforting for both you and your baby. Hold your baby against your chest and breathe slowly. The warmth of your body, the smell of your skin, and the beating of your heart are very reassuring. You can also treat your baby to a soothing bath with you.
5. Talk to your baby! Don’t worry about sounding silly. Involve him in your activities by talking about everything that you do. Once your baby’s starts cooing and making sounds, respond to his growing vocabulary by repeating those sounds back to him.
6. Sing to your baby! What better way to express your love and joy? Even if you think your singing is not the best; it’s the best to your baby (hey, how often do you get a captive audience?). Don’t limit yourself to lullabies or nursery rhymes–sing whatever makes you happy. Your baby will love the effort and attention!
7. You don’t need expensive toys to play with your baby–You are her most important toy. Look for all the playful opportunities as you go through your care giving routines. Help your baby learn and explore the world during these early months by making her toys and her world come alive!
8. Babies make great dancing partners. They love the music, the movement, and the closeness to you. Play soothing music and gently dance with your baby around the room.
9. Your baby will benefit from gentle and playful exercise. Providing physical movement is a simple, fun way to express love and to enhance your baby’s physical development. Sing songs as you move your baby’s body to the rhythm!
10. Reading is a wonderful way to bond with your baby while developing language skills. Start with large books that have simple bold illustrations. Cradle your baby in your arms and let him experience the closeness that reading a book provides.

Copyright 2002 Susan Ann Stelfox.

About the Author:
Susan Stelfox, mother of one, is the author of Baby Be Loved: Growing and Learning Together During the First 24 Weeks

by News Canada

(NC)—The first year of a child’s life is a prime time for exploring. Babies are excited and eager to learn about the world around them and playing is essential to a child’s development. Parents are the best learning resource a child has, and playtime offers a chance for bonding between parents and children. By learning how to play with their children, parents can help them develop a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem.

Parents shouldn’t feel that they have to constantly practice the alphabet or enroll their children in school at age two to stimulate learning. Instead, parents should provide toys that help stretch mental, physical and emotional muscles. In addition, parents shouldn’t be afraid to get down on the floor and play alongside their babies.

“Rewarding babies for accomplishments helps to develop a positive self-image,” says Dr. Kathleen Alfano, leading child researcher and Director of the Fisher-Price Child Research Department. Parents should enjoy watching their babies play and can offer encouragement by clapping their hands or singing songs to their children.

Parents can help their children play by creating an environment that is safe and clear. The area should also be childproofed so that the youngster is able to explore without any restrictions.

When left to explore and discover, baby will soon learn how to move from sitting to crawling to learning how to stand. Once babies begin to move around and walk, toys for pushing and pulling that feature pleasant sounds are important motivators. Fisher-Price’s line of Baby Playzone toys encourages and rewards baby’s physical accomplishments, making baby want to repeat the activity again and again. For example, Baby Playzone Stride-To-Ride Walker helps steady baby’s first steps and reward baby’s achievement with lights, sounds and high-energy music.

Parents can watch their children grow through these stages with the Fisher-Price Baby Playzone Crawl & Slide Arcade, which will take them from standing to sliding down baby’s first slide. In addition to a parent’s encouragement to take the next step, lights and lively music also reward every accomplishment baby makes.

It is important that parents try not to direct play or show children how to do something “the right way.” It is important to remember that children who are able to explore on their own develop a sense of accomplishment and confidence.