Melissa woke up after a perfect night’s sleep feeling refreshed and energetic. The sun shining through the window added yet more joy to this beautiful spring day. As she sprang out of bed, a thought hit her, and she began to giggle like a schoolgirl.

“What a wonderful day to play hooky!” she said to herself. An idea began to take shape. She’d never done anything like this before, but, after all, what was life for? “Yes!” she thought, “I’ll take a personal day off of work, actually let the boys skip school, and the three of us will spend this glorious day at the zoo!”

As she got dressed she added up her reasons to validate this slightly naughty endeavor: She’d get to spend some quality time with the boys, they’d get to enjoy a day with each other, they’d all have a respite from the rigors of their daily routine. She enjoyed her vision of the three of them laughing and strolling through the zoo, the boys chatting together and gushing their appreciation for their delightful day and their hip mom….

She headed off to wake up her kids and share her pleasant surprise. She bounded into Kevin’s room first and sat beside him on the bed. “Okay, sleepyhead! Time to get up.” The answer was a groan from under the covers.

Next was Luke’s room. She rolled his wheelchair beside the bed and suggested he choose shorts and a tee shirt for this fine warm day. She almost blurted out her plans, but thought better of it: she decided to get the kids up and dressed before telling them.

As the boys were eating breakfast, Melissa sat at the table across from them. Fairly bursting with her idea, she blurted, “How’d you guys like to skip school today? I thought we’d play hooky and head to the zoo!” Her eyes wide with excitement, she waited for their expressions of glee.

Luke looked mildly pleased, but not overly excited. Kevin scrunched up his face and wrinkled his nose. “The zoo? I don’t want to go to the zoo!” he moaned.

Melissa was a little disappointed, but she knew—just knew—they’d have a great time once they got there. “Oh come on!” She said, “We’ll have a ball!”

Kevin looked doubtful. “Who has fun at the zoo?”

She wasn’t about to give up on her wonderful plan, but her short-tempered response sounded like a bursting balloon. “We’re going to the zoo, and you’re going to have fun, it’s a sunny day, I’ve already called in for the day off, and this is quality time with your mother.”

Kevin and Luke just stared at their mom. “Yeah, yeah,” said Kevin, “Let’s go to the zoo. Whoopee.”

Determined not to let this little setback ruin her plans, Melissa gathered up their stuff and herded the boys into the van. Once she’d folded and loaded Luke’s chair, she hopped into the front seat with a broad smile on her face. “Here we go!” She didn’t see the looks her boys shot each other behind her.

They weren’t even out of the neighborhood when Luke’s voice pierced Melissa’s cheerful mood. “Mooommm! Kevin took my markers!”

“Did not!” Kevin retorted, “They’re mine!”

“Are not!” yelled Kevin, “Make him give ‘em back!”

“Boys!” growled Melissa. “You’re not even supposed to have markers in the van. Give them to me.” Melissa waved her hand backward over the seat, motioning for the markers.

“Well if they’re yours, then you give her the markers,” Kevin sneered at his brother.

“I can’t reach. You do it.”

“No. Figure it out.”

Melissa snapped her fingers. “Just give me the markers!” she growled.

They rode down the street in relative silence for the next fifteen minutes. Melissa turned on the radio and began to sing along. Her cheerful mood was returning.

Soon, they arrived at the zoo. Melissa found the handicapped spots full—with cars that didn’t belong there, of course—so she had to drive around the enormous lot twice before finding a spot. After unloading the chair, their gear, and themselves, they headed toward the zoo entrance. It wasn’t until they were nearly at the gate—and the steep flight of stone stairs—that she spied the “Wheelchair Access” sign, with its arrow pointing to the opposite side of the parking lot. In frustrated silence, they trudged back to the van and reloaded, only to repeat the process at the opposite side of the lot. As they approached the promised entrance, Luke piped up. “Kevin’s right. This isn’t gonna be any fun at all.”

Melissa didn’t even have the energy to answer. She paid for their tickets, posted her complaint about the inappropriately filled handicapped parking spots, and ushered the boys through the large iron gates. “Where do you want to go first?” she asked.

“Let’s go see the lions and tigers,” Kevin suggested.

“No way! I wanna see the elephants and giraffes,” protested Luke.

“Why do we always have to do what you want?” complained Kevin. “I vote for the lions and tigers.”

Melissa pulled the plug on the argument. “We’ll go to the reptile house.” She stated it firmly and stomped away, both boys groaning as they followed.

Melissa was enjoying the reptile house until she turned to see Kevin racing with Luke through the halls, nearly knocking over a woman and her baby as they popped wheelchair wheelies along the way. Her tightly clenched teeth were all that stood between a controlled but angry reprimand and a loud, angry outburst.

The disgruntled trio headed to the African Jungle. On the way, they passed a cotton candy stand. “Oh, what the heck,” Melissa thought. “Cotton candy before lunch—why not?” “Wait here a sec,” she said to the boys. But her big sweet surprise brought nothing but more complaints.

“Why’d you get pink?” complained Luke.

“How come only one?” Kevin whined. “I suppose Luke gets to hold it!”

“Well, if you hold it, nobody else will get to eat any since you’re such a PIG!”

“KNOCK IT OFF!” yelled Melissa, on the verge of tears. “This is supposed to be FUN!”

Kevin rolled his eyes at her. “Well, I told you the zoo wasn’t any fun!”

Melissa whirled Luke around so fast, he lost his balance. “Come on,” she growled at Kevin. She walked away so quickly, he had to run to catch up.

“What are you doing?” Luke asked.

“I have a headache,” Melissa responded. “We’re going home.”

The boys cried all the way home, while Melissa held her aching head and fumed over a totally wasted day.

The Hidden Message
“My expectations are so far from reality that the only possible result is my disappointment and anger.”

Think About It
Expectations: Our lives are full of them. On the day the pregnancy test is positive, we begin painting beautiful rosy pictures of what our lives as parents will be like; it’s Mother Nature’s way of fostering parent/child bonds and the hope that keeps us going.

As our children grow, we continue to envision how we hope things will turn out. We set up ideals, some realistic, some not. Eventually, the former delight us, and the latter…sometimes they break our hearts.

A mother discovers her robust newborn will never run on a baseball field, or even walk to school, and that they will face problems that she never even knew existed. The parents of four girls hope the birth of number five will add some variety to the family makeup, only to discover they will have plenty of use for the pink frilly dresses packed in the attic. A father, himself an only child, envisions a close and loving relationship between the twins his wife is expecting—only to find years later that daily bickering and fighting are more common than friendship between them. A mother with a close and loving relationship with her daughter turns around one day to ask who this sullen, selfish, moody, and demanding teenager living with her is.

Our great expectations frame the big picture as well as the small innumerable closeups of our daily lives. We set up countless ideal scenarios for our every day: the little one will behave in church; the painstakingly planned birthday party will be a smash hit; the new puppy will fit into the family perfectly. It’s a fact of life: Many of these small expectations are destined for failure.

The difference between expectation and reality equals unhappiness. The more specific and lofty our expectations, the harder we fall when reality crashes down on us.

Changes You Can Make
Take a good look at your own expectations for your children and your life. Examine these expectations and determine if they are realistic and likely. Don’t be afraid to make an honest assessment of where you are, how this compares to what you know to be ‘typical’ and where you think you may be headed.

One important way of making this exercise work is to become more knowledgeable about the stages of child development. When you are familiar with typical patterns of childhood—and there are many—you have a benchmark against which to measure the issues that arise daily. The vast bodies of research and observation available to you can help you see when your child’s behavior is usual for his age and situation, and when it is outside the norm and requires more attention. For example, if the Mom with the selfish and demanding teenage daughter were well read about what to expect in adolescence, she wouldn’t feel responsible for her daughter’s behavioral changes. She would have known that, no matter how close and loving the relationship with parents, nearly all teenagers endure hormonal and emotional upheaval at this time in their lives.

I am by no means suggesting pessimism, and actually, realistic expectations prevent pessimism. The more realistic your expectations the more possible it is to raise your children with optimism. In other words, when your expectations are realistic enough your children’s success is at least possible, and you will feel success as a parent. When expectations are extreme and unrealistic then failure is the most likely result. As an example, if you have more than one child, and you expect that they will NEVER bicker, NEVER fight, and that they will ALWAYS be cheerful-best-of-friends, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and anger.

On the flip side, I’m not suggesting that you passively accept “typical” misbehavior just because you expected it! Understanding and accepting your child’s behavior in a realistic way can help you see areas that may require your attention or may act as a warning light telling you that the situation requires taking the time to explore various solutions. So, when you understand that siblings WILL bicker and fight, sometimes just as often as they are cheerful-best-of-friends (and sometimes, more!), then you can relax and know that they are behaving normally—and then—explore the many ways you can encourage a more positive relationship between them. As another example, if your child doesn’t handle transitions well it doesn’t mean that you have to live your life on a rigid routine schedule—it means that you need to find ways to help your child learn to cope with life’s transitions in a more positive way.

When you have realistic expectations, you can calmly approach this momentous job we call parenting with a calm demeanor and a level head.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

It forms gradually and is established over time.

A secure attachment develops from predictable, responsive, and nurturing care giving. One of the most basic tasks your baby undertakes is figuring out how it can get its needs met. Promptly responding to your baby’s needs in a loving manner will help him develop a strong sense of trust in you, himself, and his environment. The quality of an infant’s initial attachment is extremely important. It lays the foundation for your baby’s ability to learn, develop confidence, and to form healthy relationships.

Holding, talking, singing, rocking, cuddling and other nurturing interactions between you and your baby are bonding experiences. Not only do these interactions strengthen the emotional connection between you and your baby, it also strengthens their learning connections.

Here are some tips for deepening the bond between your baby and you:

1. Provide your baby with plenty of face-to-face interaction. Bring your face close to your baby’s and gaze into each others eyes. Your smiling face, changing expressions, and loving voice will captivate him.�
2. Loving touches nourish your baby’s emotional development and improve sensory awareness. Gently kiss and stroke your baby whenever you dress or change her. As your baby is feeding, caress her cheeks, shoulders, and arms. Gently rub its delicate little hands and fingers.�
3. Baby massage is one of the most nurturing gifts that you can give your baby. It is a language of love between parent and child, which provides so many benefits. It relaxes, reduces stress, and helps your baby to sleep.�
4. Skin-to-skin contact is soothing and comforting for both you and your baby. Hold your baby against your chest and breathe slowly. The warmth of your body, the smell of your skin, and the beating of your heart are very reassuring. You can also treat your baby to a soothing bath with you.
5. Talk to your baby! Don’t worry about sounding silly. Involve him in your activities by talking about everything that you do. Once your baby’s starts cooing and making sounds, respond to his growing vocabulary by repeating those sounds back to him.
6. Sing to your baby! What better way to express your love and joy? Even if you think your singing is not the best; it’s the best to your baby (hey, how often do you get a captive audience?). Don’t limit yourself to lullabies or nursery rhymes–sing whatever makes you happy. Your baby will love the effort and attention!
7. You don’t need expensive toys to play with your baby–You are her most important toy. Look for all the playful opportunities as you go through your care giving routines. Help your baby learn and explore the world during these early months by making her toys and her world come alive!
8. Babies make great dancing partners. They love the music, the movement, and the closeness to you. Play soothing music and gently dance with your baby around the room.
9. Your baby will benefit from gentle and playful exercise. Providing physical movement is a simple, fun way to express love and to enhance your baby’s physical development. Sing songs as you move your baby’s body to the rhythm!
10. Reading is a wonderful way to bond with your baby while developing language skills. Start with large books that have simple bold illustrations. Cradle your baby in your arms and let him experience the closeness that reading a book provides.

Copyright 2002 Susan Ann Stelfox.

About the Author:
Susan Stelfox, mother of one, is the author of Baby Be Loved: Growing and Learning Together During the First 24 Weeks

Also known as maternity blues or maternity baby blues, baby blues are very common and occur in as many as 75-80% of new mothers. It is not postpartum depression unless it is abnormally severe.

What Causes Baby Blues?
When the placenta is delivered after the baby is born the part of the body creating the hormones shuts down abruptly. This causes a woman to react as if she is going through withdrawals from the high levels of estrogen, progesterone and endorphins that she had during her pregnancy.

In addition to the changes in hormones there is the exhaustion that sets in, whether it is physical, mental, or emotional after the baby is born, as well as sleep depravation you probably feel that can contribute to the baby blues.

Symptoms of Baby Blues
Symptoms may include some of these:

• Weepiness and bursting into tears.
• Sudden mood swings.
• Anxious and hypersensitive to criticism.
• Low spirits and irritability.
• Poor concentration and indecisiveness.
• Feeling ‘unbonded’ with baby.
• Restless insomnia.

Baby Pinks
Another, less referred to and less known feeling a person may have after giving birth is call the baby pinks. This is referred to when a person is overly happy and exuberant. This can be a sign of impending postpartum depression or psychosis.

If you have recently had a baby and you feel a bit of sadness, call your doctor to talk to him about it. He can help you judge and decide if you are experiencing a simple form of the baby blues, or if there is something more serious going on.