Question:
I always have to call my child repeatedly before he’ll respond. It’s like he has cotton in his ears! I can’t stand being ignored. How can I get him to come when I call him?

Think about it:
If your child knows that the worse consequence for not coming when called is that he has to listen to your repeated yodels, he may decide that you’re easy to ignore. He may have learned that he doesn’t have to take your calls seriously until your face is bright red, the veins are sticking out on your neck, and you bellow his middle name. This means, you need to change your behavior to get him to change his.

Do this:
Children learn through experience. When you repeatedly call, but he doesn’t show up until he’s ready, you’re actually teaching him to ignore you. Follow this procedure: Visually locate your child. Call once. Wait three minutes. Go to your child, take him by the hand, say, “When I call, I expect you to come.” Then lead him to the desired location. If you do this once or twice in front of his friends, I guarantee he’ll change his ways.

What are you modeling? Watch how the adults in your family call to each other and respond when someone calls them. Does the caller yell from two rooms away? Does the callee mumble, “in a minute” and then have to be reminded several times before responding? These are the models for your child’s behavior. Change the ways you respond to each other. Children learn what they live!

Understand your child:
Making a transition from one activity to another can be difficult for many children. Instead of calling, “Come here now!” try giving two warnings first, “Willard, you’ll need to come in five minutes.” A few minutes later, “Willard, two minutes.” Then,”Willard, please come in now.” At this point, wait a minute, and if he doesn’t respond go to him and take him by the hand saying, “When I call I expect you to come.”

Let him KNOW you understand:
Acknowledge your child’s desire to continue playing, followed by a firm statement and an action that promotes compliance, “I bet you wish you could stay in the pool forever, but it’s time to go now. Here’s your towel.”

Save your voice:
Use a dinner bell or timer to call your child. Tell him that when he hears the bell, he needs to come before you count to fifty. After a few practice runs you can create a consequence for not coming in response to the bell, such as skipping desert – just let your child know the specifics in advance as fair warning!

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Potty training can be a stressful experience for you and your child. It’s best to start potty training when your child has an established daily routine and is not dealing with any additional stress. Potty training should be the only major change in your child’s life.

If your child is showing signs of potty training readiness, ask yourself if any of the following situations exist:

New baby – Although the thought of double diaper duty may be overwhelming, your child needs time to adapt to the new baby before you begin potty training.

Divorce or Separation – Divorce or separation is always stressful for children. Your child may be living in two different homes or under two separate sets of rules. When things calm down, share your potty training plan so that you are both aware of the other person’s plan and can work together for the benefit of your child.

New daycare/babysitter – If your child has recently switched day cares or baby-sitters, wait a couple of weeks/months (depending on how your child adapts) before you start potty training.

New bedroom or bed – Small changes, like a new bedroom or bed, can have a big impact on your child. Wait until your child has adapted to his new bed before you begin potty training.

Copyright © 2004 ZIP Baby. All Rights Reserved.

Danna Henderson
ZIP Baby
101 Convention Center Drive, Ste 700
Las Vegas, NV 89109
www.zipbaby.com

About The Author
Danna Henderson started ZIP Baby in order to provide parents with comprehensive potty training information as well as a large variety of potty training products. For more information about potty training, visit the ZIP Baby Potty Training Store.

Danny walks in the door after school the way he usually does: muddy footprints, abandoned backpack, half-eaten lunch, and jacket trailing him on the floor. His mother looks up at him, making that “tsk” sound that only mothers can produce quite that way, followed by a weary sigh. “Geez, Danny, why do you have to come in like a tornado?” Danny mocks her the way he always does when she makes this comment. Whirling around, he knocks several things off the counter on the way to his first destination, which is, of course, the refrigerator.

As his mother picks up the first wave of his debris from the floor, Danny busily creates another as he roots through the refrigerator, knocking over yogurt containers, spilling juice out of a pitcher, bruising apples, and leaving leftovers uncovered. This messy expedition yields a muffin—and a complaint that his mother never buys anything good to eat. He devours half the muffin in one bite, scattering crumbs all over the floor with a cough. As his Mom reaches down to scoop up the crumbs, he sees she’s none too pleased, but that doesn’t bother him as he carelessly rains more crumbs down on the floor.

She hates this piggish behavior, hates that he, sated by his muffin feast, will turn up his nose at a dinner she spent all day preparing. “Danny! Can’t you see that I’m making dinner?” she asks. “I wish you wouldn’t eat a bunch of snacks right now.”

Through a mouth filled with muffin number two, Danny mumbles something that sounds like “Whatever.”

“Honey, did you get the book you need for your book report?” Mom asks.

Ignoring her question, Danny asks, “Did you get me new shin guards for soccer?”

“No,” his mother responds. “I haven’t had time to get to the sports shop.”

Danny looks disgusted. “Geesh, Mom, whaddya DO all day around here? Watch soaps? You better go now, ‘cus I need those shin guards.”

His mother glances at the clock and shakes her head. “It’s too late now, but we can go after dinner.” He takes another bite of yet another muffin. “I asked you not to eat anything else!” she tries to grab the muffin, but Danny dances away from her, holding his muffin high. They both know that his recent growth spurt put the muffin way out of her reach. “Danny, stop it!” his mother complains.

“Danny, stop it!” he mimics gleefully in a grating singsong voice.

Heaving a resigned sigh, she decides it’s not worth a fight and ignores it. Instead, she picks up the so-called conversation where it had left off. “So, did you get the book?”

Danny peels back the muffin paper. “I already said ‘yeah.’ Whatsa matter—hearing aid need new batteries?”

His mother answers this rude remark the way she answers all of them. “Watch your mouth!” Especially disturbed by his recent desire to find humor about her hearing aid she adds, “You know I don’t appreciate you talking to me like that.” The only sound in the kitchen then comes from Danny, who is absentmindedly rumpling muffin papers.

Danny looks up at his mom. “Yo! I could use some milk with this…”

His mother glares at him, the unspoken words hanging in the air. “What do you say?” She can’t believe that at his age she would still have to remind him to say ‘please’.

Danny’s smart enough to read her warning sign, but not wise enough to understand the social impact of his rude manners. A sarcastic and belabored “Plllleeeeeease” spills out just below his wrinkled nose. Mom brings him a glass of milk, napkin, and plate. “I only asked for milk,” Danny grumbles. He tosses little muffin paper basketballs across the room toward the trashcan, decidedly blowing the three-pointers and littering the floor. As his mother cleans up crumbs and papers, she looks over at him and suggests, “Why don’t you start reading the book until dinner’s ready?”

Danny sighs and rolls his eyes. “I just got home. Gimme a break here.”

His mother takes a deep breath and shakes her head. “But, honey, you’re already behind on it…”

Danny gives her a look that says he thinks she’s stupid. “Would you shut up with the book already?”

Shocked and finally, deeply humiliated, his mother’s eyes widen with the sting of her son’s meanness. “Don’t talk to me that way, young man. I want you to sit down and read some of that book. I don’t know why you always wait until the very last minute to get started on your projects. Then you stay up ‘til midnight trying to finish, and you end up rushing…” She glances up to see Danny’s back as he’s walking out of the room.

On his way out, spoken in a very loud voice obviously for her benefit, she hears “Yadda, yadda, yadda,” followed by the din of the TV.

“Danny!” Mom calls, “Don’t sit down in front of that TV yet. Come set the table!”

“Why do I always have to do it?” he yells to no one in particular. And that is the end of that. From the volume he’s turned up on the TV, it’s obvious to his mother that she’ll be setting the table again tonight, and that all discussion on any subject is over. Mom roughly grabs a pile of plates off the counter and slams them on the table, complaining (to herself, I suppose), “I don’t know why you can’t be more polite and helpful…”

The Hidden Message
“You can be as disrespectful to me as you want; you’ll suffer no consequences whatsoever. I’ll do nothing to influence you to change your behavior, so we can continue on this way for the rest of our lives.”

Think About It
It’s offensive to hear a child act in such rude and disrespectful ways towards a parent. But the sad fact is that even good kids pick up this behavior from their peers, movies and TV shows. Many parents today are distressed at seeing this behavior in their own children, and they mistakenly believe themselves powerless to change their child’s behavior.

Most parents start off on the right foot—teaching toddlers to say “please” and “thank you.” Over time, however, tedious reminders and busy schedules interfere with continuing lessons. A few rude or disrespectful remarks slip by uncorrected, and soon a very unpleasant pattern emerges—a pattern that gets more difficult to break as the child ages. It’s like a smudge on the wall; if you walk by it often enough, you cease to notice it. And the longer it stays, the harder it is to remove.

The startling reality is that the disrespect itself is not the problem here, but merely a symptom of a much greater difficulty: on the child’s part, a failure to understand expectations and the hierarchy of authority…and on the parent’s part, a failure to communicate those expectations.

Changes You Can Make
The first step to correcting this disagreeable situation is to establish a firm and proper hierarchy of authority. In other words, it’s high time to let your kid know you’re the boss! To do this, first believe it yourself, and give yourself permission to be in charge. Absorb the truth that, for your child to grow into a responsible, civil, and successful adult, you must train, guide, and direct him during his growing years. You have just a few short years to establish a foundation upon which he will build his entire life.

Once you have decided to take control, begin by establishing clear expectations and rules for your child to follow. As Danny so painfully illustrates, if you have allowed your child to be rude and disrespectful without correction, you have indeed established clear expectations—all the wrong ones! Take a few giant steps back to toddlerhood and require that your child—whatever his age—say “please” “thank you” and “may I?” When he doesn’t, avoid that annoying cliché, “What do you say?” Instead, rephrase your child’s request in the way you’d like to hear it: “Danny, what I’d like to hear you say is, ‘May I please have some milk?’” If he doesn’t repeat his request in the way you’ve asked, let him eat his muffin dry. (If you decide to let him keep the muffin at all!) The key is to be indefatigable. Do not let one single disrespectful comment slide.

Let your child know what you’re up to. Admit that you have allowed his behavior to get out of control, but that it stops, and it stops today. Discuss your expectations, and make yourself perfectly clear. “I expect you to be polite and respectful to me and your Dad every single time you talk to us.”

Once you’ve established clear expectations and pleasantly corrected him for a week to two, you can take the next step. Make a list of your child’s privileges—freedom to use the TV, the telephone, and his bicycle, for example. The list can include dessert, car rides to friends’ homes, visits to and from friends, etc. (The list is endless.) Number the privileges on the list, and cross off items with each offense. The key is to then follow through with removal of privileges for the remainder of that week. Start each week with a fresh list, and a fresh start.

Another reason to get a kid like Danny on the right track—he may be acting tough on the outside, but on the inside he’s struggling with the knowledge that he really shouldn’t be treating people, especially his parents, in such rude ways. Most kids know that what they are doing is wrong, and they may wonder why no one is correcting them. Over time, this voice of conscience will fade, and the child will accept the rude demeanor as normal.

One final but extremely important point: make certain that YOU are using your best manners when you talk to your child. “Do what I say, not what I do” is simply not an effective parenting philosophy. Your actions as an appropriate role model are imperative to correcting this undesirable behavior.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

1. You cannot love, hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold your newborn too much. He needs your affection to feel safe in a world that’s all new to him.
2. This tiny person is totally dependent on you for everything in his life. He cannot survive without you.
3. Establish a routine. Your baby needs to be able to count on certain activities occurring around the same time each day. Feeding, naps, fun and affection should be a part of every schedule.
4. Sleepless nights may seem never-ending as your newborn awakens you with his cries. But time will fly by and your baby won’t be a baby for long. Treasure each moment of this experience.
5. Nobody can teach you how to be a parent. You will learn on the job. Trust your instincts. Nobody knows your baby better than you.
6. Being a parent will be the most challenging and most rewarding experience of your life. Cherish every day with your child.
7. A child is not a possession or a toy or someone to take for granted. A baby is a blessing.
8. Respect your child’s father or mother whether you’re still married to them or not. Your baby will remember how you treat each other. Children learn by example.
9. Being a parent is at minimum an 18 year commitment. You can’t quit halfway through.
10. Your life will never be the same. Respect the value of this little miracle and remember he will always be a part of you. Nothing in the world should compete with your commitment to love your child.

Resource Box – © Danielle Hollister (2000)

About the Author:
Danielle Hollister is the Writing Host at BellaOnline and Publisher of BellaOnline’s Writing Zine. To subscribe send mail to: bellaonlinewriting-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Being sick is miserable. Fevers, chills, sore throats, and difficulty in breathing can make basic functioning a very tiring process. When it hurts to get out of bed, it can hurt to pick up your baby, feed him, change his diaper and get him dressed. Unfortunately parenting is one job where you can’t call in a sick day.

Young Baby
When you are sick it is best to remember to take as few steps as possible when it comes to doing for your baby. If your baby is young enough, have him lay in bed with you, and keep a pile of diapers and wipes nearby. If you are breastfeeding your baby you will need to be sure to keep your fluid intake up, and try to eat when you can. With everything within arms reach and your baby’s food readily available then you can spend most of your time resting, trying to get well. If your baby is formula fed then you can make one trip to the kitchen to collect a few bottles, formula and a pitcher or bottle of water so that you can easily make bottles for your baby without having to get out of bed too often.

Older Baby/Toddler
With an older baby or toddler, it might be easier to move yourself to another room, where most of the child’s toys are, or to move some toys to the living room so you can lounge on the couch. Have movies handy to help keep your baby entertained. If he is eating finger foods, you can have some of his favorites within your reach to give to him. This will help you keep your energy up as you are able to rest more, while helping your baby stay busy.

Accept Help
You have to remember that you can not do it all when it comes to taking care of yourself and your baby when you are sick. If you have friends or family that offer to take your baby or offer to come over and help at your house, let them. Don’t refuse the help and assistance when you are at your worst. You can’t take care of your baby properly if you are not well, and it may take you longer to get better if you can’t properly take care of yourself. The sooner you can get to be 100%, the sooner you are able to play with and enjoy your baby again.

Remember You Aren’t Alone
You aren’t the first mom, nor are you the first parent to get sick while having to take care of your baby. For as long as there have been mothers and babies, there have been sick moms and sick babies. Give yourself proper time and space to get well and you will be back to running around like crazy, changing diapers, doing laundry and cleaning the spit up before you know it.

Prepare Your Child for the Changes Ahead
Explain in realistic terms what changes will occur when the baby arrives. Tell your child that new babies cry a lot — when they are tired, hungry, hot or cold, have a wet diaper, need to be cuddled, or sometimes just because they are babies.

Setting up realistic expectations will help them through this challenging, exhilarating time. And, always refer to the baby as “ours” to let your older child have ownership in the arrival of your new member.

Let Your Child Discuss Things Bothering Him
Being heard is probably the most crucial thing you can do to help your child with the transition. And, understand that jealousy is universal. All children experience it in some manner. It is not a predictor of how well your children will relate to each other in later years. But, we do know that if children are not allowed, and even encouraged, to express negative feelings, these feelings will come out in non-productive ways.

Help your child talk through any negative feelings about the baby. This may be difficult for you to hear, but it is much better than the alternative. Anger, jealousy and confusion when kept inside can turn into violence. Children will find a way to express these feelings, through either physical or emotional outlets, if safe spaces for communicating these ideas are not created.

Reassure Your Child You Love Them
It is so important to keep reminding your older children how special they are to you, how much you love them, and how there is no one that could ever take their place in your heart and in your life. Lots of extra hugs and cuddles are a definite must!

Avoid Comparisons
We want to allow our children to be and become their own special selves. Highlight your children’s unique gifts and mirror those back to them so they can see and be proud of their own talents and qualities.

Comparisons are just one of the ways we can cause jealousy and anger. Be aware of your actions and words; children are very sensitive during times of change.

Set Aside Alone Time with Your Older Child
Have your partner, a friend or a sitter watch the baby and take your child out for special times (to the park, to get ice cream or for a walk — just the two of you). Also, use the baby’s naptime to read, sing, dance, play, and talk to your older child.

Time alone will be crucial to your child’s self-esteem and to let them know how important they are to you.

Ask Your Older Child for Help
Explain that babies need lots of extra attention because they can’t do anything for themselves. They will need help eating, getting dressed, bathing – and all of these are things that the big brother/sister can help with. Giving them responsibility with the new baby makes them feel special and a part of the new energy around the baby.

Don’t make the mistake of building an artificial wall between the baby and the older sibling in an effort to protect the new baby. Instead, broaden your already existing family circle to allow for your new member. Don’t shut out the older siblings, but allow them to nurture, cuddle, rock, feed and even help with changing diapers for the baby.

Allow your older child to keep special toys and clothes. Seeing all your toys disappear into the baby’s room can cause anger and jealousy. Know that your older child may have outgrown certain toys but still be attached to others (stuffed animals in particular).

Just Because He Is OLDER Doesn’t Mean He is “Older”
Overnight, your child’s role has changed in the family. Don’t expect him to grow up overnight just because he is the big brother. Many children revert to younger behaviors when the baby arrives and want you to call them baby, too. Knowing that this is perfectly normal (and only temporary) will help you deal with their changes.

Don’t Fuss
There will be enough relatives lavishing attention on the baby and plenty of time for that when your older child is not present. You should talk to your child about all the attention that the baby will get. Let your older child know that you understand how he feels with all the attention going to someone else.

Reinforce the Positives
Try to point out your children’s accomplishments and lavish praise on them. Reinforcing all the good things they do is extremely important at a time that will be full of “don’ts.” It is only natural that there will be many negative rules that will be established (Don’t scream around the baby, don’t pull the baby’s arms, etc.), but remember to focus on the positives.

Whether you are expecting your first child or you are a veteran parent with years of experience raising kids you have probably asked yourself the question “how will I go about keeping my baby as happy and smiling as possible?”

Well, I can’t give you a definite answer to that question because there are probably as many different answers as there are babies in the world. Every single human is unique but we do still have some things in common that you can benefit from. 

Firstly, you will have to provide your baby with the basic human needs. This includes the right amount and the right type of food, enough sleep, shelter etc. Without these basics you will have a hard time keeping your baby happy and you will probably experience more crying and screaming than you will see smiles and hear giggles.

Secondly, you will have to spend your time. Time is unfortunately on of the things that most people will never have enough of and the one thing that every human will certainly run out of at some point.

By “time” I mean that you will have to spend your time with your baby. After all you are the parent and I trust that this is in your own interest as well. One thing that is extremely important is that you do not you spend time because you “need to” but that you actually “want to”.

A baby or a child is a very sensitive being and they will see right through you if you don’t want to be with them. They are extremely good at reading “between the lines” because they still have their intuition.

When you provide you baby or child with genuine love and care you can be sure that it will come back to you ten-fold. If it doesn’t then you might want to take a look in the mirror and ask yourself the question “have I really given my unconditional love and care to my baby”?

If you feel that you have then you are on the right path. Surely there can be situations where other aspects kick in. The child can become sick, have slept poorly, have had to little to eat etc. Some of these things are just “life” and we all have to live with them.

The point is that love and care goes a long way and if you haven’t already tried it then I suggest that you give it a try. You might be surprised.

About the Author
Dr. Caron B. Goode is the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents International, a training and certification program for parent coaches. In addition to duties with the academy, Goode is the founder of the website InspiredParenting.net, and the author of ten books, the most recent of which is Nurture Your Child’s Gift: Inspired Parenting and Help Kids Cope with Stress & Trauma. For more information on The Academy for Coaching Parents International or to sign up for academy announcements, visit www.acpi.biz.

Here’s something that may really surprise you: As much as we may want our babies to sleep through the night, our own subconscious emotions sometimes hold us back from encouraging change in our babies’ sleeping habits. You yourself may be the very obstacle preventing a change in a routine that disrupts your life. So let’s figure out if anything is standing in your way.

Examine Your Own Needs and Goals
Today’s society leads us to believe that “normal babies” sleep through the night from about two months; my research indicates that this is more the exception than the rule. The number of families in your boat could fill a fleet of cruise ships.

“At our last day-care parent meeting, one father brought up the fact that his two-year-old daughter wasn’t sleeping through the night. I discovered that out of 24 toddlers only six stayed asleep all night long.” …Robin, mother of thirteen-month-old Alicia

You must figure out where your own problem lies. Is it in your baby’s routine, in your management of it, or simply in the minds of others? If you can honestly say you want to change your baby’s sleep habits because they are truly disruptive to you and your family, then you’re ready to make changes. But if you feel coerced into changing Baby’s patterns because Great Grandma Beulah or your friend from playgroup says that’s the way it should be, it’s time for a long, hard think.

Certainly, if your little one is waking you up every hour or two, you don’t have to think long on the question, “Is this disruptive to me?” It obviously is. However, if your baby is waking up only once or twice a night, it’s important that you determine exactly how much this pattern is disturbing to you, and decide on a realistic goal. Be honest in assessing the situation’s effect on your life. Begin today by contemplating these questions: