Dear Mr. Dad. I’m taking a childbirth class with my wife but it really seems geared toward the perfect birth. I know they can’t cover every single unexpected thing that could happen, but how can we prepare for contingencies?

Armin answers: As important as childbirth education classes are, there are a few things they won’t teach you but that you really should know.

First, it’s okay to ask questions—as many as you need to. No matter how much reading you’ve done or how wonderful your class was, something unexpected is bound to happen during labor or delivery—it almost always does. In those cases, don’t let the hospital staff steamroller you. Have them explain everything they’re doing, every step of the way. If you miss something the first time, have them explain it again.

Second, it’s okay to stand up for what you want. Most people are wowed by academic credentials and degrees and have a tendency to step back and let the doctors and nurses take control of the whole process, particularly when something a little out of the ordinary happens. Unless it’s a true medical emergency, keep in mind who’s baby is about to be born and insist on having things done your way, to the extent possible.

Third, don’t give in too quickly. Like most busy people, doctors and nurses are sometimes too quick to say “No” to requests–not because it’s the right answer, but because it’s easy. But here’s the deal: If you want the lights dimmed for the delivery and the staff refuses, do it yourself (assuming, of course, that there’s no medical reason not to). If you want to videotape the birth and the doctor won’t let you, ask for an explanation. If you don’t get a good one, do what you feel you should do.

Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between being assertive and standing up for yourself (and for your wife) and being overbearing, obnoxious, and antagonistic. So be nice.

And finally, it’s okay to ask for help. Most childbirth prep classes focus on how you can help your wife—breathing with her, rubbing her back and her legs, telling her stories, feeding her ice chips, and all sorts of other things. But you’ll rarely, if ever, hear that it’s exhausting and sometimes even scary and that you—yes, you—could use some relief and comfort too. One excellent solution to this problem is to get yourself a doula.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear MrDad: Every expectant couple I know is taking a Lamaze classes. Is that really necessary?

Armin answers: One of the advantages of taking a childbirth preparation class is that it’ll give you and your wife the opportunity to ask questions about the pregnancy in a more relaxed setting than her doctor’s office. You’ll also get a chance to hang out with other expecting couples and listen to the women swap stories about how much weight they’ve gained, how much their joints hurt, how many times they get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Seriously, though, most childbirth classes operate on the belief that the more you learn about pregnancy and birth—from exercise and nutrition to the difference between an epidural and a spinal—the more in control you’ll feel and the less you’ll have to fear.

Also, be careful: People have a tendency to use the word “Lamaze” as a synonym for “childbirth preparation class.” But Lamaze is really only one of a number of very different approaches to dealing with labor and the pain associated with it. Here’s a little background on three of the most common approaches:

• The Lamaze method is based on the idea that a pregnant woman can overcome her pain—which is the way her body reacts to being in labor—by focusing on something else, usually her own breathing. One major goal is to help woman achieve drug-free labors and deliveries but Lamaze also tries to give expectant parents as much information as they can to help them make the most informed decisions possible.
• The Bradley method also emphasizes educating and preparing expectant couples. They also focus on exercise and nutrition. But instead of trying to take the woman’s attention from her pain, the Bradley folks encourage her to experience it fully: groaning, screaming, whatever she feels like. Bradley is the method that introduced the husband/coach and includes dads far more than any of the others.
• The Leboyer method puts its focus much more on the baby than on the mother-to-be. Leboyer maintains that the bright lights and high noise levels usually found in most hospital delivery rooms are quite stressful and upsetting for a newborn. For that reason, Leboyer babies are generally born in quiet, darkened rooms, often with mom fully or partially submerged in warm water.

Classes typically last five to nine weeks and usually run about $100 to $200. Most are offered either privately or through local hospitals so check with your wife’s doctor or the maternity ward for a referral. Whichever approach you and your wife pick, get going on it as soon as you can. What you’ll learn will do a lot to make the rest of the pregnancy calmer and less stressful for both of you.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Natural childbirth training, such as Lamaze, relies heavily on breathing techniques, and so does yoga. Relaxation is also a major factor in both childbirth training and yoga. This makes prenatal yoga practice a great idea because it will support your childbirth training.

Your body changes throughout pregnancy in some ways that don’t show as well as ones that do. For instance, as you move into the second and third trimester, hormones begin to make your leg and hip joints limber up. Also, the added abdominal weight puts pressure on the blood vessels in your lower back so that you often can’t lie comfortably or safely on your back for very long during late pregnancy. These physical symptoms require you to avoid certain poses as pregnancy progresses.

Fortunately, many yoga positions are very helpful to your changing body. For instance, the pelvic tilting done in the cat stretch is good for your lower back and abdomen. Here’s how to do a cat stretch. Get on your hands and knees. Inhale deeply and slowly while lowering your chin to your chest. At the same time, arch your back like a cat. Hold a few seconds. Release your breath slowly and deliberately while letting your back drop down until it’s swayed like an old horse and your face is looking up. Repeat several times.

When doing yoga, always move slowly, relax into each position. Never bounce deeper into a stretch, and never stretch to the point of discomfort. Yoga should feel good.

Another stretch move that is good throughout pregnancy is squatting. If you are planning a home birth or a delivery in another setting that offers you freedom to choose your position, you may find that a deep, relaxed squat is the best position for you to give birth. In fact, it’s such a good position, it’s possible to deliver a baby too quickly and cause tears to the cervix or perineum if your pushes are not controlled.

To practice squatting, stand with your feet about shoulder width apart and lower yourself as far as you can. Don’t come up on your toes. Stay flat on your feet. You will feel the stretch in the thigh and knee joints. Don’t go so low it hurts. Practice a few seconds each day, increasing in depth and duration as you go. You may come to find this a comfortable position for doing tasks such as weeding the garden.

After birth, your body can benefit from yoga postures, too. The poses that stretch the neck and shoulders are good for those times you tense up from carrying the baby and from nursing in a cramped position. The poses that rock the pelvis will help you gain strength again in those hard working abs. Yes, yoga is a natural for moms before and after the birth.