by Elizabeth Pantley author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007)

If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. They are so common that I call them The Big Three. All children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!

Controlling their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.

Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.

Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.

Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.

Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.

Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.

You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.

Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.

Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.

Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game.

Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.

When it’s over, it’s over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

During a pregnancy, most of the attention reverts to the mother to be. She is the one who is sick, she is the one who gets the parties, she is the one with the doctor’s appointments, she generally gets all the questions, and the belly rubs. Dad can tend to feel very left out, which often leaves mom to feel like he doesn’t really care and doesn’t want to be involved. The truth is dads normally do want to be involved, they just don’t know what to do and need a little prodding from the mother-to-be.

There are several ways to involve the father in your new addition before the big arrival, starting with day one and finding out you are pregnant. Some women want to take the test with dad and celebrate immediately together. Others choose to take the test alone and tell the father after the results come in. If the dad is not with you, you can tell him in any number of exciting ways.

If it is around a holiday or his birthday, you get him a card from the baby. If you have other children you can have them meet him at the door wearing t-shirts that say, “I am going to be a big brother/big sister”. You can also go to the store and make a little gift bag with baby booties or a rattle and stick the pregnancy test in the bag to give to the dad-to-be over a special dinner out.

Once the dad-to-be knows of the pregnancy is when the fun begins. If he wants to, let him help decide how to tell the rest of the family, and his family in particular that there is a new addition on the way. Let him make the plans so that he feels involved in the decision. If you are sick and he wants to help, let him be there to rub your back, bring you ginger ale, and make you eggs, or whatever it is you can keep down. Try to schedule your doctors’ appointments at a time when he can attend as well, and encourage him to ask questions. While they eventually might be routine and boring for both of you, knowing that you are trying to accommodate his schedule will help him feel involved.

Discuss baby names with him, and listen to his opinions and feelings. Make sure he can go to all the ultrasounds, and discuss with him before hand if he wants to find out the sex of the baby. You don’t have to agree, but if there is a discussion he will know that you care about his feelings and what matters to him.

If family or friends are throwing you a baby shower, discuss with them either letting the father attend (assuming he wants to), or having a co-ed baby shower. If neither of these will work, get together with another male you know and consider throwing a “Men’s only” baby shower for your husband, inviting the male friends and family members that have children and know what to expect.

Let the father be involved when creating the baby registry, and put things on the registry that he wants for the baby, even if you think or know that it isn’t needed. Besides Lamaze or other childbirth classes you and the father-to-be take together, look into some classes specifically for dads either at the hospital or your local baby store. You can also look at classes for both of you dealing with newborns or infant basics, and make sure when you schedule them that the father-to-be can attend as well.

Tell the dad when you first start feeling the baby move, and let him lay his hand on your belly to try to feel the baby as well. Encourage him to talk to the baby and read to the belly, and if he is willing, let him give you massages and rub lotion on your belly. When it comes time to deliver, encourage the father to not only be by your side the entire time during delivery, but to stay in the hospital with you at night, sleeping on the pull out chair or couch that is provided so that he can be with the baby every minute that you are. Let him hold the baby, change diapers and bring the baby to you when the baby is crying. Also, have him accompany the baby to the nursery if the baby has to go for the various newborn hearing checks and blood draws.

Just a little effort on your part will help the father feel as involved in the pregnancy as you are, and who could argue that the back rubs and tummy massages aren’t one of the greatest things about being pregnant!

by Barbara Eastom Bates

So you’re pregnant. Congratulations! Your life is about to change in ways you might find unthinkable (and we’re not even talking about the surrender of your once slim waistline to proportions most comparable to that of a Dr. Suess character). Pregnancy is the beginning of a new life for a baby, but also a new life for you as a parent. If this is your first baby, you may be filled with an endless list of questions and concerns. If you’re a veteran of the labor and delivery room, you’ve got a better idea what to expect, yet every pregnancy, like every mother and child, is different.

Making Choices
While pregnancy and birth have physiologically been the same since the beginning of time, your options as a pregnant woman today are greater than at any previous time in history. After confirming your pregnancy, your first (and arguably most important) decision to make is choice of caregiver. While traditionally in the U.S., maternal care has been provided through obstetrical physicians and hospital births, there is a growing movement towards the return of low intervention, midwife-assisted births.

How do you know which is right for you? Consider what is most important to your birth experience (always remembering that birth is anything but predictable and flexibility is vital). Are you interested in birthing naturally, without the aid of drugs or invasive procedures? Would you rather give birth at home or in a birthing center as opposed to a hospital? A midwife may be the right choice for you. Conversely, if you know upfront you’ll want an epidural at the first sign of labor pain you’ll probably find the anesthesiologist at your local hospital to be your best friend.

Keep in mind, each choice has its pros and cons and it’s up to you to weigh which option is the best for your needs. If you give birth at home and have complications, you’ll need to be transported to the hospital. Epidurals may provide excellent pain relief (or not), but have potentially serious, although rare, side effects. Some birthing centers will not accept a mother attempting vaginal birth after caesarean section (VBAC). Being an educated consumer in your pregnancy will allow the best possible birth experience and beginning for your new baby.

Planning for Baby
Somewhere around middle to late pregnancy (usually about the time you can no longer see your toes because of your protruding middle), you’ll want to start making accommodations at home for your baby’s expected arrival. If this is your first, trust yourself to the care of an experienced mommy friend who can prevent “New Mother Shopping Syndrome,” i.e., going to Babies ‘R Us and spending an exorbitant amount of money on baby paraphernalia that, not only do you not need, but you will never use. Yes, the mommy bear that emits sounds of the womb is cute. No, your baby will not be fooled. This is the time to cultivate self control, which will particularly come in handy when your precious baby has become a 16-year old who has just wrecked the family car.

Babies actually need very little in the way of gear for the first few months of life. If you’re planning to family bed, you can skip the nursery furniture altogether. Some good choices of useful items include a five-point harness convertible car seat, a quality hospital grade breast pump if you’re planning to breastfeed (Medela is the gold star standard), and plenty of onesies for sleep and play. A baby sling is also useful for helping mom get things done around the house while still meeting the baby’s need to be held, and also for discreet public breastfeeding. Skip the infant carrier, which can only be used for about six months, at which point you’ll have to purchase a convertible seat anyway. Also unnecessary (at least for now) are baby toys, gyms, etc., which will not be of interest to the baby until at least six months of age.

Delivering the Goods
Prepare for labor and delivery by compiling a plan for your caregiver sharing your wishes for birth. Discuss your feelings on all types of medical intervention including the use of epidural, IV’s, amniotomy, fetal monitors, episiotomy, etc. Remember that a birth plan is simply that, a plan. Since no one knows exactly how any given birth will proceed, it is not a guarantee of any kind. While the mother’s experience with birth is important, the ultimate goal is a healthy baby, whatever it takes to achieve it. A birth plan is simply helpful in communicating the type of birth experience you would like to have, and if you have made a wise selection in caregiver, you will have someone who will work with you to honor these wishes to the extent they are possible. You may want to hire a doula to assist during labor. A doula’s purpose is to support and be an advocate for the mother, and can be helpful in achieving the mother’s goals towards birth.

Surviving the First Weeks
After nine months of waiting and planning, your baby is finally in arms. What next? Despite that you might feel you’ve gotten away with something when the hospital staff actually allows you to leave with your baby (whom you think you have no idea how to care for), remembering a few simple tips can help things go more smoothly.

Feed your baby on demand. Don’t try to schedule feeding sessions, which can be detrimental to establishing proper milk supply if breastfeeding, and simply isn’t good for baby.

Keep a record of wet and soiled diapers for the first few weeks to assure baby is taking in enough breast milk or formula.

Hold baby as often as possible. Contrary to what grandma might tell you, he can’t be spoiled.

Always remember to place your baby on his back to sleep and tummy to play, to lower the risk of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS).

Call your pediatrician if your baby develops a fever, or if you have any questions or concerns.

Most importantly, remember motherhood is a work in progress and cut yourself some slack. You will make mistakes, learn, grow and change. Both babies and parents are born, and neither reaches their full potential overnight.

About The Author
Barbara Eastom Bates is the author of the upcoming release, “Basic Training for Brides-to-Be,” and editor-in-chief of Operation Military Spouse, opmilspouse@yahoo.com

by Agata Langer

It’s 8 o’clock at night, the kids are finally asleep. The floor is covered with toys and the trail of rejected dinner food items that ‘accidentally’ fell off the kids’ dinner trays. The sofa and the walls are sticky with jelly, the TV remotes are gone, the kitchen sink is overfilled with dishes and the laundry basket must be shrinking because it just doesn’t seem to be able to accommodate the 4 changes of kids clothes each of the boys went through today. I finally sit down and then I think to myself that I’m proud. I am not only proud of my 2 active boys, Ryan (3) and Gregory (1) but also of myself and the smart strategies I developed to help me along in the challenge of raising toddlers.

Here are a few of them:

Bring Them Outdoors
Have you noticed that the behavior of kids who stay indoors all day resembles that of a wild animal in captivity? The moods of my children change dramatically the moment they escape from the house and get the chance to roam at large in the wilderness of their back yard. The crankiness and clinginess disappear as soon as they step outside. Their tempers mellow and the pent up aggression fades away once they let off some steam by running wild. Being outdoors gives kids a sense of freedom and independence. Not only do they become more calm and quiet, but their appetites get a big boost as well.

Hide the Toys
We tend to buy more and more toys for our kids hoping each time we will find the one that keeps them occupied long enough for you to cook, clean, go to bathroom or simply relax (Relax? Keep dreaming!) The overabundance of toys actually creates a problem: Too many toys can make your child feel discouraged and less focused. Leave out just a few toys and hide the rest. Rotate them every 2-3 days. Exchange the toys after the kids are in bed and make it a morning surprise for them. You will notice how happy your toddler will be to see and play with the toys he or she had forgotten about.

Serve Fruit Snacks to Boost Their Appetites
One of the rules established in our house is NO SNACKING within 90 minutes of mealtime. Moms know that even a small snack given too close to a meal usually results in a plate full of uneaten food. There is something you can do to to give your child a snack and actually increase their appetite at the same time: Serve fruit snacks between meals. A fruit snack about 90 minutes before a meal will not only help to satisfy the kids’ hunger until mealtime, it will actually stimulate their appetites for dinner and make them anxious to eat. Grapes are the favorite choice for both of my boys but an apple, an orange, a peach or some pineapple works just as well. If your kids are accustomed to non fruit snacks, try to give it to them soon after a main meal and then serve the fruit snack 90 minutes before the next one.

Give Them Choices
This is a powerful strategy I began using lately and it works nearly all the time for me.

Give Your Toddler a Choice Within Your Choice
Kids, in general, get frustrated when they feel like they have no control over their little lives. I used to lose my mind trying to win the battle with Ryan. Whenever I would tell him to do something the contest would begin. I could ask politely, I could ask firmly, I could order and I could even yell. Nothing helped. In fact, the more I insisted that he do something the more stubborn and adamant he would be in resisting me. Then, I started giving Ryan choices that each served my disciplinary goal. When Ryan throws his sippy cup on the floor, instead of starting the battle of wills, I give him a choice by politely asking:

Vegetarian parents oftentimes want their children to follow in their footsteps for ideological, environmental, or health-related reasons. However, teaching children to forego certain foods, especially when their friends are enjoying them, can be a real challenge. Here are some tips on how to introduce your child to a vegetarian diet so that he or she grows up making healthy dietary choices.

1. Start Young
   Adult eating habits oftentimes stem directly from the way that they ate as a youngster. By starting your children on a vegetarian diet early, you can plant the seeds for a healthy adult life.
   The younger the child, the easier the transition to a vegetarian diet will be. Infants and toddlers can thrive on vegetarian foods, and they can learn to love this diet early on in life. Older children can also make the transition to a vegetarian diet, but it will be simpler if you start your children on the diet when they are young.
2. Make Sure the Diet is Balanced
   Children’s nutritional needs are even more urgent than adults, since they are creating bone and burning energy at an even higher rate. With a vegetarian diet, it is particularly important that your children have a balanced diet that is high in calcium, protein, and minerals like B12 that are usually found in meats.
3. Lead by Example
   If you want your children to have a healthy vegetarian diet, you should show them how to do it by sticking to a vegetarian diet yourself. Children will learn faster by watching you than simply listening to your directions. Make sure that you not only stick to a vegetarian diet, but make healthy eating choices within that diet.
4. Explain Why
   Even very young children will want to know why they can’t eat the same foods as their friends and neighbors. Explain your reasons for sticking to a vegetarian diet in an age-appropriate way for your child so they will understand the need for making healthy dietary choices.
5. Provide Plenty of Choices
   Convincing your child to enjoy a vegetarian diet will be much easier if he or she doesn’t feel deprived. Keep a wide variety of vegetarian snacks, meals, and desserts on hand. Even strict vegan diets have room for cakes and cookies that are not made with animal by-products, so be sure to take full advantage of these recipes to keep your child satisfied.

Ultimately, your child is going to be the one to make the final decision about his or her eating habits. As children age, you can no longer watch over everything they choose to eat. However, if you can instill good eating habits when they are little, the chances are much higher that they will continue to make good choices as they age. By showing your child that a vegetarian diet can be delicious, healthy, and environmentally friendly, you can encourage him or her to hold to these ideals as an adult as well.

About this Article
Article provided courtesy of Only Cookware – a resource for cookware sets, stainless cookware and enamel cast iron cookware.

by Armin Brott

At one time or another, all parents struggle with discipline—establishing and enforcing limits, and getting their kids to speak to them respectfully and do what they’re supposed to do. But remember: discipline isn’t only about correction.

It’s also about teaching kids to control themselves and care about others so they can grow up to be productive members of society. Here are some approaches you can use to help your kids to do just that:

1. Be firm. Set reasonable limits, explain them, and enforce them.
2. Be consistent. Your child will learn to adapt to inconsistencies between you and your partner: if you allow jumping on the bed but she doesn’t, for example, the child will do it when he’s with you and won’t when he’s with your partner. However, if you allow jumping one day and prohibit it the next, you’ll only confuse your child and undermine your attempts to get him to listen when you ask him to do something.
3. Compromise. Kids can’t always tell the difference between big and little issues. So give in on a few small things once in a while (an extra piece of birthday cake at the end of a long day might avoid a tantrum). That will give the child a feeling of control and will make it easier for him to go along with the program on the bigger issues (holding hands while crossing the street, for example).
4. Be assertive and specific. “Stop throwing your food now” is much better than “cut that out!”
5. Give choices. Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children’s Behavior, suggests, for example, that if your child is yanking all the books off a shelf in the living room, you say, “Would you like to stop knocking the books off the shelf or would you like to go to your room?” If he ignores you, gently but firmly lead the child to his room and tell him he can come back into the living room when he’s ready to listen to you.
6. Cut down on the warnings. If the child knows the rules (at this age, all you have to do is ask), impose the promised consequences immediately. If you make a habit of giving six preliminary warnings and three “last” warnings before doing anything, your child will learn to start responding only the eighth or ninth time you ask.
7. Link consequences directly to the problem behavior. And don’t forget–clearly and simply–to explain what you’re doing and why: “I’m taking away your hammer because you hit me,” or “I asked you not to take that egg out of the fridge and you didn’t listen to me. Now you’ll have to help me clean it up.”
8. No banking. If you’re imposing punishments or consequences, do it immediately. You can’t punish a child at the end of the day for something (or a bunch of things) he did earlier–he won’t associate the undesirable action and its consequence.
9. Keep it short. Once the punishment is over (and whatever it is it shouldn’t last any more than a minute per year of age), get back to your life. There’s no need to review, summarize, or make sure the child got the point.
10. Stay calm. Screaming, ranting, or raving can easily cross the line into verbal abuse that can do long-term damage to your child’s self-esteem.
11. Get down to your child’s level. When your talking to your child—especially to criticize–kneel or sit. You’ll still be big enough that he’ll know who the boss is.
12. Don’t lecture. Instead, ask questions to engage the child in a discussion of the problematic behavior: “Is smoking cigars okay for kids or not?” “Do you like it when someone pushes you down in the park?”
13. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Even such seemingly innocuous comments as “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “Every single time you…” gives the child the message that he’s doomed to disappointing you no matter what he does.
14. Reinforce positive behavior. We spend so much time criticizing negatives and not enough time complimenting the positives. Heartfelt comments like “I’m so proud of you when I see you cleaning up your toys,” go a long way.
15. Play games. “Let’s see who can put the most toys away” and “I bet I can put my shoes on before you can” are big favorites. But be sure not to put away more toys or to put your shoes on first–kids under five have a tough time losing.
16. Avoid tantrums. Learn to recognize the things that trigger your child’s tantrums. The most common include exhaustion, overstimulation, hunger, and illness. Keeping those factors to a minimum will go a long way toward reducing tantrums.
17. No spanking. It’s bad for the kids and bad for you. Children who get spanked are more likely to suffer from poor self-esteem and depression. They’re also more likely to believe that it’s okay to hit other people when they’re mad. After all, you do.
18. No shaking. It may seem like a less violent way of expressing your frustrations than spanking, but it really isn’t. Shaking your baby can make his little brain rattle around inside his skull, possibly resulting in brain damage.
19. No bribes. It’s tempting to pay a child off to get him to do or not do something. But the risk–and it’s a big one–is that he will demand some kind of payment before complying with just about anything.
20. Be a grown-up. Biting your child or pulling his hair to demonstrate that biting or hitting is wrong or doesn’t feel good will backfire. Guaranteed.
21. Offer cheese with that whine. Tell your child that you simply don’t respond to whining and that you won’t give him what he wants until he asks in a nice way–and stick with it.
22. Set a good example. If your child sees you and your partner arguing without violence, he’ll learn to do the same. If he sees you flouting authority by running red lights, he’ll do the same.

Above all, make sure you understand your child. Trying to discipline him without understanding why he’s doing what he’s doing is a little like taking cough syrup for emphysema: the thing that’s bugging you goes away for a while, but the underlying problem remains–and keeps getting worse with time. The most direct way to solve this is to simply ask your child what’s going on and why he’s acting the way he is–in many case he’ll tell you. If he won’t tell you or doesn’t have the vocabulary to do so, make an educated guess (”Are you writing on the walls because you want me to spend more time with you?”).

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question: I know my kid’s going to grow up to be a lawyer! He argues whenever he’s asked to do something. He debates his rights when he’s asked to stop doing something. He pleads his case when I tell him he can’t do something. He disputes every rule I create. How can I put an end to this?

Think about it:
It takes two to argue. Your child cannot “argue” by himself. That’s called “mumbling.”

Say it once:
Practice stating your case, then being quiet. Ignore your child’s argumentative comments, and walk away if you must. Let your child get used to your word being “final.”

Let ‘em complain a bit:
As long as it’s respectful, sometimes let your child have the last word. Often a statement, such as, “Why do I have to do it?” doesn’t require an answer, nor deserve one. Often, a child’s mutterings really mean, “I’ll do it ‘cus I have to, but I don’t like it.”

Set rules for debating:
Some children really do enjoy debating an issue. If your child is like this, set ground rules for when and how issues can be debated. For instance: no raising of voices, no name calling, quiet listening to the other person’s point of view. This behavior provides excellent practice for learning how to negotiate in life. In addition, your child must understand that some things cannot be argued, that there are some things the parents must decide. Have a standard reply for when an issue cannot be debated, such as, “This is not open for discussion.”

Offer choices:
Get in the habit of offering your child choices, instead of issuing commands. Children who are argumentative will have less opportunity to practice the skill if you offer a choice. For example, instead of saying, “Do your homework, right now,” offer a choice, such as, “What would you like to do first, your homework or the dishes?” (If the response is, “neither,” you can smile sweetly and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Homework or dishes?”)

Question:
My child talks back to me in such a disrespectful way it leaves me speechless. How do I put a stop to this?

Think about it:
Back-talk is addictive, so must be handled as a serious offense. A child who talks rudely to a parent once or twice and gets away with it will continue the behavior, and it will progressively get worse. Most children will attempt back-talk at some point. When a parent responds calmly and with authority the behavior will stop.

Announce your expectations:
If a child has developed a habit of back-talk it will take firm action to stop the behavior. Have a meeting with your child to announce that back-talk will no longer be tolerated. Decide on a series of consequences that will occur each time back-talk occurs. Consequences may involve losing a privilege, such as telephone use, television watching, or visits with friends. They may be an additional chore, or an earlier bedtime. Then announce the sequence in which the consequences will occur. “When you talk back in a disrespectful way you will lose your telephone privileges for the day. The second offense will cause you to lose your TV show for the night. The third will . . . Each day will start with a clean slate.” After the meeting, calmly and firmly follow through.

Don’t empower it:
Whenever a child talks back, immediately stop the conversation and walk out of the room or walk away from the child. If the child follows you, calmly and firmly announce that you will not tolerate disrespect, then pointedly ignore the child. Later, when you have calmed down, decide on an appropriate consequence for the back-talk.

Use a quarter-board:
Tape your child’s allowance, in quarters, to a piece of cardboard. Tell your child that each time he talks back to you he will lose a quarter from his allowance as a “fine.” He’ll get what’s left at the end of the week. If your child uses up all the quarters, begin to add a chore, or eliminate a privilege for each offense. Start fresh with each new week. This series of events is meant to be a temporary “training” situation. When the problem seems under control, let your child know that you appreciate his efforts to control the back-talk, and that you’ll no longer be charging the fine. However, make it clear that if the behavior ever becomes a problem again, you’d be happy to head to the bank for a roll of quarters.

Teach:
If a normally respectful child makes a disrespectful comment, look him in the eye and make a serious, firm comment such as, “That is back-talk and is not allowed.” Continue the conversation as if the back-talk did not occur, expecting the child to comply with your request. Do not empower the back-talk by arguing the issue that triggered it.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Rebecca D. Williams and Isadora Stehlin

New parents want to give their babies the very best. When it comes to nutrition, the best first food for babies is breast milk.

More than two decades of research have established that breast milk is perfectly suited to nourish infants and protect them from illness. Breast-fed infants have lower rates of hospital admissions, ear infections, diarrhea, rashes, allergies, and other medical problems than bottle-fed babies.

“There are 4,000 species of mammals, and they all make a different milk. Human milk is made for human infants, and it meets all their specific nutrient needs,” says Ruth Lawrence, M.D., professor of pediatrics and obstetrics at the University of Rochester School of Medicine in Rochester, N.Y., and spokeswoman for the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Health experts say increased breast-feeding rates would save consumers money, spent both on infant formula and in health-care dollars. It could save lives as well.

“We’ve known for years that the death rates in Third World countries are lower among breast-fed babies,” says Lawrence. “Breast-fed babies are healthier and have fewer infections than formula-fed babies.”

Although breast-feeding is still the best nourishment for infants, infant formula is a close enough second that babies not only survive but thrive.

Commercially prepared formulas are regulated by the Food and Drug Administration.

The nutritional adequacy of commercially prepared formula is also ensured by the agency’s nutrient requirements and its safety by strict quality control procedures that require manufacturers to analyze each batch of formula for required nutrients, to test samples for stability during the shelf life of the product, to code containers to identify the batch, and to make all records available to FDA investigators.

The composition of infant formula is similar to breast milk, but it isn’t a perfect match, because the exact chemical makeup of breast milk is still unknown.

Human milk is very complex, and scientists are still trying to unravel and understand what makes it such a good source of nutrition for rapidly growing and developing infants.

More than half the calories in breast milk come from fat, and the same is true for today’s infant formulas. This may be alarming to many American adults watching their intake of fat and cholesterol, especially when sources of saturated fats, such as coconut oil, are used in formulas. (In adults, high intakes of saturated fats tend to increase blood cholesterol levels more than other fats or oils.) But the low-fat diet recommended for adults doesn’t apply to infants.

The reason is that infants have a high energy requirement, and they have a restricted volume of food that they can ingest. The way to meet these energy requirements in a restricted amount of food is to have a high amount of fat.

While greater knowledge about human milk has helped scientists improve infant formula, it has become “increasingly apparent that infant formula can never duplicate human milk,” wrote John D. Benson, Ph.D, and Mark L. Masor, Ph.D., in the March 1994 issue of Endocrine Regulations. “Human milk contains living cells, hormones, active enzymes, immunoglobulins and compounds with unique structures that cannot be replicated in infant formula.”

Benson and Masor, both of whom are pediatric nutrition researchers at infant formula manufacturer Abbott Laboratories, believe creating formula that duplicates human milk is impossible. “A better goal is to match the performance of the breastfed infant,” they wrote. Performance is measured by the infant’s growth, absorption of nutrients, gastrointestinal tolerance, and reactions in blood.

Human Milk for Human Infants
The primary benefit of breast milk is nutritional. Human milk contains just the right amount of fatty acids, lactose, water, and amino acids for human digestion, brain development, and growth.

Cow’s milk contains a different type of protein than breast milk. This is good for calves, but human infants can have difficulty digesting it. Bottle-fed infants tend to be fatter than breast-fed infants, but not necessarily healthier.

Breast-fed babies have fewer illnesses because human milk transfers to the infant a mother’s antibodies to disease. About 80 percent of the cells in breast milk are macrophages, cells that kill bacteria, fungi and viruses. Breast-fed babies are protected, in varying degrees, from a number of illnesses, including pneumonia, botulism, bronchitis, staphylococcal infections, influenza, ear infections, and German measles. Furthermore, mothers produce antibodies to whatever disease is present in their environment, making their milk custom-designed to fight the diseases their babies are exposed to as well.

A breast-fed baby’s digestive tract contains large amounts of Lactobacillus bifidus, beneficial bacteria that prevent the growth of harmful organisms. Human milk straight from the breast is always sterile, never contaminated by polluted water or dirty bottles, which can also lead to diarrhea in the infant.

Human milk contains at least 100 ingredients not found in formula. No babies are allergic to their mother’s milk, although they may have a reaction to something the mother eats. If she eliminates it from her diet, the problem resolves itself.

Sucking at the breast promotes good jaw development as well. It’s harder work to get milk out of a breast than a bottle, and the exercise strengthens the jaws and encourages the growth of straight, healthy teeth. The baby at the breast also can control the flow of milk by sucking and stopping. With a bottle, the baby must constantly suck or react to the pressure of the nipple placed in the mouth.

Nursing may have psychological benefits for the infant as well, creating an early emotional attachment between mother and child. At birth, infants see only 12 to 15 inches, the distance between a nursing baby and its mother’s face. Studies have found that infants as young as 1 week prefer the smell of their own mother’s milk. When nursing pads soaked with breast milk are placed in their cribs, they turn their faces toward the one that smells familiar.

Many psychologists believe the nursing baby enjoys a sense of security from the warmth and presence of the mother, especially when there is skin-to-skin contact during feeding. Parents of bottle-fed babies may be tempted to prop bottles in the baby’s mouth, with no human contact during feeding. But a nursing mother must cuddle her infant closely many times during the day. Nursing becomes more than a way to feed a baby; it’s a source of warmth and comfort.

Benefits to Mothers
Breast-feeding is good for new mothers as well as for their babies. There are no bottles to sterilize and no formula to buy, measure and mix. It may be easier for a nursing mother to lose the pounds of pregnancy as well, since nursing uses up extra calories. Lactation also stimulates the uterus to contract back to its original size.

A nursing mother is forced to get needed rest. She must sit down, put her feet up, and relax every few hours to nurse. Nursing at night is easy as well. No one has to stumble to the refrigerator for a bottle and warm it while the baby cries. If she’s lying down, a mother can doze while she nurses.

Nursing is also nature’s contraceptive–although not a very reliable one. Frequent nursing suppresses ovulation, making it less likely for a nursing mother to menstruate, ovulate, or get pregnant. There are no guarantees, however. Mothers who don’t want more children right away should use contraception even while nursing. Women who are breast-feeding can use barrier methods of birth control, such as condoms and diaphragms. Hormone-containing methods are not first choice. These include injections (such as Depo-Provera), implants (such as Norplant), and birth control pills. A woman who breast-feeds should consult her doctor about which type of contraception is appropriate for her until the baby is weaned.

Breast-feeding is economical also. Even though a nursing mother works up a big appetite and consumes extra calories, the extra food for her is less expensive than buying formula for the baby. Nursing saves money while providing the best nourishment possible.

When Formula Is Necessary
There are very few medical reasons why a mother shouldn’t breast-feed, according to Lawrence.

Most common illnesses, such as colds, flu, skin infections, or diarrhea, cannot be passed through breast milk. In fact, if a mother has an illness, her breast milk will contain antibodies to it that will help protect her baby from those same illnesses.

A few viruses can pass through breast milk, however. HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, is one of them. Women who are HIV positive should not breast-feed.

A few other illnesses–such as herpes, hepatitis, and beta streptococcus infections–can also be transmitted through breast milk. But that doesn’t always mean a mother with those diseases shouldn’t breast-feed, Lawrence says.

“Each case must be evaluated on an individual basis with the woman’s doctor,” she says.

Breast cancer is not passed through breast milk. Women who have had breast cancer can usually breast-feed from the unaffected breast. Studies have shown, however, that breast-feeding a child reduces a woman’s chance of developing breast cancer later.

Silicone breast implants usually do not interfere with a woman’s ability to nurse, but if the implants leak, there is some concern that the silicone may harm the baby. Some small studies have suggested a link between breast-feeding with implants and later development of problems with the child’s esophagus. Further studies are needed in this area. But if a woman with implants wants to breast-feed, she should first discuss the potential benefits and risks with her child’s doctor.

Tough but Worthwhile
For all its health benefits, breast-feeding isn’t always easy. In the early weeks, it can be painful. A woman’s nipples may become sore or cracked. She may experience engorgement more than a bottle-feeding mother, when the breasts become so full of milk they’re hard and painful. Some nursing women also develop clogged milk ducts, which can lead to mastitis, a painful infection of the breast. While most nursing problems can be solved with home remedies, mastitis requires prompt medical care (see “Tips for Breast-Feeding Success”).

Women who plan to go back to work soon after birth will have to plan carefully if they want to breast-feed. If her job allows, a new mother can pump her breast milk several times during the day and refrigerate or freeze it for the baby to take in a bottle later. Some women alternate nursing at night and on weekends with daytime bottles of formula.

In either case, a nursing mother is physically tied to her baby more than a bottle-feeding mother. The baby needs her for nourishment, and she needs to nurse regularly to avoid getting uncomfortably full breasts. But instead of feeling it’s a chore, nursing mothers often cite this close relationship as one of the greatest joys of nursing.

If a woman is unsure whether she wants to nurse, she can try it for a few weeks and switch if she doesn’t like it. It’s very difficult to switch to breast-feeding after bottle-feeding is begun.

If she plans to breast-feed, a new mother should learn as much as possible about it before the baby is born. Obstetricians, pediatricians, childbirth instructors, nurses, and midwives can all offer information about nursing. But perhaps the best ongoing support for a nursing mother is someone who has successfully nursed a baby.

La Leche League, an international support organization for nursing mothers, has chapters in many cities that meet regularly to discuss breast-feeding problems and offer support.

Interested women or couples are welcome to attend La Leche League meetings without charge. League leaders offer advice by phone as well. To find a convenient La Leche League chapter, call 1-800-LA-LECHE (1-800-525-3243) or contact the organization’s world wide web site at http://www.lalecheleague.org/.

Formula Choices
If the mother cannot or chooses not to breast-feed, normal, full-term infants should get a conventional cow’s-milk-based formula, according to John N. Udall Jr., M.D., chief of nutrition and gastroenterology at Children’s Hospital of New Orleans. However, adverse reactions to the protein in cow’s milk formula or symptoms of lactose intolerance (lactose is the carbohydrate in cow’s milk) may require switching to another type of formula, he says.

Symptoms that may indicate an adverse reaction to cow’s milk protein include vomiting, diarrhea, abdominal pain, and rash. With lactose intolerance, the most common symptoms are excessive gas, abdominal distension and pain, and diarrhea. Since some of the symptoms overlap, a stool test may be necessary to determine the culprit. Usually, lactose intolerance will produce acidic stools that contain glucose. If the protein is the problem, stools will be nonacidic and have flecks of blood.

The main alternative to cow’s milk formula is soy formula.

The carbohydrates in most soy formulas are sucrose and corn syrup, which are easily digested and absorbed by infants. However, soy is not as good a protein source as cow’s milk. Also, babies don’t absorb some minerals, such as calcium, as efficiently from soy formulas. Therefore, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics, “Healthy full-term infants should be given soy formula only when medically necessary.”

For a child who can’t tolerate cow’s milk protein, William J. Klish, M.D., a Baylor College of Medicine pediatrician and former chairman of the American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Nutrition recommends the use of hydrolyzed-protein formula. Although hydrolyzed-protein formulas are made from cow’s milk, the protein has been broken up into its component parts. Essentially, it’s been predigested, which decreases the likelihood of an allergic reaction.

Iron
The infant formulas currently available in the United States are either “iron-fortified”–with approximately 12 milligrams of iron per liter–or “low iron”–with approximately 2 milligrams of iron per liter.

“There should not be a low-iron formula on the market for the average child because a low-iron formula is a nutritionally deficient formula,” says Klish. “It doesn’t provide enough iron to maintain proper blood cell counts or proper hemoglobin.” (Hemoglobin is a blood protein that carries oxygen from the lungs to the tissues, and carbon dioxide from the tissues to the lungs.)

In addition, studies have shown that school children who had good iron status as infants because they were fed iron-fortified formula performed better on standardized developmental tests than children with poor iron status. However, FDA has permitted marketing of low-iron formulas because some pediatricians prefer to use them.

Why is there low-iron formula on the market? “In the past there have been a lot of symptoms that have been attributed to iron, including abdominal discomfort, constipation, diarrhea, colic, and irritability,” says Klish. “Also there was some concern about too much iron interfering with the immune system. All of those concerns and questions have been laid to rest with appropriate studies.”

Another reason for originally producing low-iron formulas was that human milk contains low amounts of iron–less than a milligram per liter. However, it is now understood that an infant absorbs virtually 100 percent of the iron from human milk, but considerably less from infant formula.

Cooking Lessons
Both milk and soy formulas are available in powder, liquid concentrate, or ready-to-feed forms. The choice should depend on whatever the parents find convenient and can afford.

Whatever form is chosen, proper preparation and refrigeration are essential. Opened cans of ready-to-feed and liquid concentrate must be refrigerated and used within the time specified on the can. Once the powder is mixed with water, it should also be refrigerated if it is not used right away. The exact amount of water recommended on the label must be used. Under-diluted formula can cause problems for the infant’s organs and digestive system. Over-diluted formula will not provide adequate nutrition, and the baby may fail to thrive and grow.

In the past, the American Academy of Pediatrics felt that municipal water supplies were safe enough without boiling the water before mixing with the formula. But because of the contamination of Milwaukee’s water with the parasite Cryptosporidium in 1993, “the whole business of boiling water has come up again,” says Klish. “The academy is now again recommending boiling water for infant formulas.”

Klish advises heating the water until it reaches a rolling boil, continue to boil for one to two minutes, and then let it cool. “That should take care of all the bacteria and parasites that might be in the water,” he explains.

The American Academy of Pediatrics does not have any recommendations about bottled water. Klish says bottled water is fine, but it still needs to be boiled. “There’s no reason to think that bottled water is any safer than city water,” he says.

Bottled water must meet specific FDA quality standards for contaminants. These are set in response to requirements that the Environmental Protection Agency has established for tap water.

A regulation published in the Nov. 13, 1995, Federal Register sets standard definitions for different types of bottled waters, helping resolve possible confusion about what different terms mean.

The regulation also requires accurate labeling of bottled waters marketed for infants. If a product is labeled “sterile,” it must be processed to meet FDA’s requirements for commercial sterility. Otherwise, the labeling must indicate that it is not sterile and should be used as directed by a physician or according to infant formula preparation instructions.

What about sterilizing the bottles and nipples? “Dishwashers tend to sterilize bottles and nipples fairly well,” says Klish. They can also be sterilized by placing them in a pan of boiling water for five minutes.

Warming the formula before feeding isn’t necessary for proper nutrition, but most infants prefer the formula at least at room temperature. The best way to warm a bottle of formula is by placing the bottle in a pot of water and heating the pot on the stove.

Don’t Try This at Home
Homemade formulas should not be used. Homemade formulas based on cow’s milk don’t meet all of an infant’s nutritional needs, and cow’s milk protein that has not been cooked or processed is difficult for an infant to digest. In addition, the high protein and electrolyte (salt) content of cow’s milk may put a strain on an infant’s immature kidneys. Substituting evaporated milk for whole milk may make the homemade formula easier to digest because of the effect of processing on the protein, but the formula is still nutritionally inadequate and still may stress the kidneys.

Today’s infant formula is a very controlled, high-tech product that can’t be duplicated at home, says Udall.

About the Author:
Rebecca D. Williams is a writer in Oak Ridge, Tenn. Isadora Stehlin is a member of FDA’s public affairs staff. Provided by the FDA.

Oh, there are so many choices. Disposable or Cloth. Pampers, Luvs or Huggies. Size one or size two. Swaddlers, cruisers, regular or supreme….How does a mom choose what is best!

Cloth Diapers
Cloth diapers are very “vintage” and definitely making a come back. Every year more and more new moms fall for this relatively cheap way to diaper their baby. After the initial expense of the diapers and the wraps, the cost of cloth diapers is equal to the soap, water and the cost of the electricity or gas used for the dryer. Sure it takes time to wash those diapers, but most new moms will find themselves washing baby clothes on a near daily basis, and able to just throw the diapers in with their loads. For mom’s that don’t have time there are diaper services that will pick up the diapers and drop off clean ones for a nominal fee.

The downside of cloth diapers is having to wash them out when your baby has pooped and you have to carry plastic bags with you at all times to put the diapers in when you are out and you have to change your baby. This can be very inconvenient and smelly.

Disposable Diapers
While definitely less time consuming and in many peoples’ eyes more convenient, disposable diapers are much harder on the pocket book. At club stores like Sam’s and Costco you can buy a big box of diapers, approximately 250 size ones and 200 size threes for about $40. This is the cheapest you can find it. In a regular store like Wal-Mart, Target or a grocery store, you get a much lower number of diapers for a higher cost.

However you do not have to deal with the rinsing, washing, wraps, pins, etc with disposable diapers. You can take it off and throw it away whether you are at home or out shopping.

Brands of Diapers
With all the different brands of disposable diapers, how do you know which is best for your baby? There are three main brands Pampers, Luvs Huggies, and numerous other store brands available. Some moms will swear that one brand is best over another or that one brand never worked on their baby. In many ways this is true. Body shapes are as different for babies as they are for adults and each brand of diaper is made differently. You may even have two babies that can use one brand where your third baby can’t and you have to buy a different brand for him. If your baby seems to be having a lot of leaks from one brand, experiment by trying another brand to see if it works better. The brand of diaper may also change as your baby goes up in sizes.

Some parents will choose diapers based on choice, or based on the coupons that they have and can use. Collecting coupons and waiting for a sale on your favorite diaper can often save a lot of money.

The Little Details…
The disposable diaper companies all have different details to their brands of diapers. Pampers has Swaddlers and Cruisers, focusing on different ages and stages of your babies life. Huggies has their normal diaper, and their supreme diapers which seem to fit a little snugger. This again is an issue of trial and error. Which diaper works best and fits your baby’s body the best?

Sizes
Diapers come in six main sizes, only five of which most babies will go through. They come in preemie, newborn, size one, two, three, four and five. Most babies will be able to start off in newborn, although they may be able to fit in size one as well. Most toddlers will be into a size five before they are potty trained. Each size has a minimum and maximum weight listed on the packaging, but many times this is subjective based on your baby’s body type. If you feel like a diaper is fitting too snug, even if your baby has not reached the high end of the pounds listed, you can still move him up to the next size in order to see if your baby is more comfortable.

There are SO many different types of strollers on the market that it is hard to decide which one is best for your new baby. What is the best deal for the money, how many different strollers do you need, and is there a more affordable way of doing it?

Car Seat Carrier
Not exactly a “stroller”, but performing the same function, a car seat carrier is one of the most inexpensive ways that parents who have a new baby in an infant car seat can push them around. In some cases it is the most convenient as well. The car seat carrier is just a simple frame that sells for around $50 that an infant car seat can fit in. This is good if you borrow a car seat from a friend or relative, but do not have a stroller, or if you have a small car where a stroller would be a hard fit.

Just the Stroller
You can buy just a plain, boring stroller. One that seems sturdy, has a place for baby, cup holders, etc, but no car seat to go along with it. These come in many different sizes and patterns. These are good for parents who choose to get a convertible car seat for their baby from the beginning, and need somewhere to lay their baby down and push him around. They can also be good as a matching brand to a borrowed infant car seat. These can start at around $60 and go up into the $100’s.

Travel System
The travel system is an all in one unit consisting of the full size stroller and infant car seat that match and fit together perfectly. It is a convenient way for parents to purchase both the car seat and stroller that their baby will need. The downside to it however is that once the baby outgrows the car seat the parents just have a stroller. It can turn it into quite a pricy stroller for what it is. These normally start at around $200 and go up from there.

Jogging Stroller
A jogging stroller is a three wheel stroller built for rougher terrain and surfaces. It is great for moms who like to walk, jog or run, and want to be able to take their baby with them. Some of the jogging strollers on the market will have actual rubber wheels on it like the tires of your car. Others will be plastic like regular strollers. They also come with and without swivel front wheels. These are great if you plan on exercising with your baby in tow, but in some cases can be bothersome if just out and about. They normal start at around $130. On a side note, you can also get the jogging stroller in a travel system set up with an infant car seat that attaches.

Double Stroller
There are also double strollers, double travel systems, double jogging strollers and double umbrellas strollers on the market. These are not only necessary and popular for parents who have twins, but also for parents who have kids close in age, where the older one may not be ready to be out of the stroller when the baby is born. These are close to the same price as the regular counterparts.

Umbrella Stroller
An umbrella stroller is a light weight, small stroller that can easily be thrown in the trunk of the car. It is also the cheapest with versions starting at $10. However, it isn’t always the best choice or the most convenient choice, especially not as your family’s ONLY stroller. An umbrella stroller is intended for bigger babies who can sit up on their own already. It doesn’t have the support that a newborn needs. On the other end of things as your toddler gets heavier, it will drag and be extremely hard to push, plus the wheels are within foot range of your child which leads to your child putting his foot on the wheels and slowing you down.

How Many Do You Need?
Depending on the age of your baby and your interests, you may only need one stroller, or you may need three. If you aren’t real active and don’t see yourself taking up walking/running with your baby then you would be able to get along just fine with a regular stroller, or the stroller that comes as part of the travel system. If you have twins, then the double would be fine for you. If you do see yourself jogging, then you may choose to have a regular stroller for times when you are going to the mall or a doctor appointment. If your baby is older you may choose to go ahead and buy an umbrella stroller for the quick jaunts in stores, so that you don’t’ have to drag out your bigger stroller. Or you may decide just to retire your big stroller completely and keep the umbrella stroller for your use.

The strollers you need and use will change throughout your child’s journey from newborn to toddler. It is best for you to keep an open mind and be flexible, willing to adjust to your baby’s and your families needs.