Discipline is a very complicated and complex matter. We want to enjoy our children, we don’t want to stress about the little things, and we want to be forgiving to our children and our selves. However – there are many, many things we must get our children to do, or stop them from doing – all day, every day. There are lots of daily tasks that must be completed. Add to that the fact that children don’t always listen, they don’t always do the things we want them to do, and they have a limited amount of knowledge and emotional control. Keeping all this in mind, I believe that there are four distinct parts to the purpose and goal of discipline:

1 – To correct immediate behavior.

2 – To teach a lesson.

3 – To give tools that build self-discipline and emotional control.

4 – To build the parent/child relationship.

Let’s examine how this applies to a few typical situations so that you can begin to understand how these four purposes colors almost every discipline situation with your child.

Situation:
Your child is having a temper tantrum in a store because you won’t buy a new toy.

1 – Correct immediate behavior

Take your child to a restroom or unpopulated corner of the store. Wait for your child to stop the tantrum.

2 – Teach a lesson

You can’t have everything you want. You need to express your emotions appropriately.

3 – Give tools to build self discipline and emotional control

Help child write a list of toys that she wants, but can’t have right now.

4 – Build the relationship

Demonstrate leadership, understanding and patience.

Situation:
Your two children are squabbling over a toy.

1 – Correct immediate behavior

Put the toy on the counter while you get your children to stop tussling and pay attention to you.

2 – Teach a lesson

Children need to learn how to share toys and take turns.

3 – Give tools to build self discipline and emotional control

Help children by setting a timer so each can have a five minute turn with it. Show them how to do this in the future without your help.

4 – Build the relationship

Show them how to play together and how to settle disputes. Show them that they can look to you for help in handling problems.

Situation:
Your child is upset with a playmate and bites her on the arm.

1 – Correct immediate behavior

Separate the children. Provide attention and care to the child who was bitten.

2 – Teach a lesson

Get down to your child’s level, put your hands on her shoulders, look her in the eye and tell her, “Biting hurts. We don’t bite. Give Emmy a hug now. That will make her feel better.”

3 – Give tools to build self discipline and emotional control

Give your child a few hints on how she should handle her frustration next time; “If you want a toy, you can ask nicely for it or you can come to Mommy for help.”

4 – Build your relationship

Show your child that you are on her side even when she makes mistakes. Demonstrate that she can count on you to teach her how to handle strong emotions.

Discipline is not a one-time maneuver
You say you’ve tried to get your little one to put his toys away, but he never does. You’re after your daughter constantly not to whine, yet that screechy voice continues. You repeatedly attempt to get your two children to share their toys nicely yet it seems that daily you’re refereeing an argument over toys. No matter what you do, the same issues keep coming up over and over again.

Think about something that you do, or don’t do – that you know you should do differently. Perhaps it’s exercising or eating healthily. Maybe it’s keeping your desk organized or your closet clean. In all of these examples it’s likely that you struggle to always do the right thing, even when you know what the right thing is. So, if you, the mature adult, still don’t do everything the right way how could you possibly expect such a feat from your young child?

Discipline means to teach – and it is a very rare lesson that can be learned in one simple session. Furthermore, young children cannot easily apply what they’ve learned in one situation to another. So even minor variations create entirely new scenarios – for example, learning to share toys with a sibling at home isn’t easily transposed to the situation of sharing playground equipment with a friend at the park.

What this all means is that you must teach the same, or similar, lessons over and over and over and over again in many different ways until, perhaps, your child will master the idea and claim it as his own. Even then, just because a child knows what is right doesn’t mean he will always do the right thing. (Do you always drive the posted speed limit?) Our job as parents is to help our children learn right from wrong, and how to make the right decisions in life. It is to guide and teach our children, every day, in many ways.

Discipline means teaching, and as such, it can encompass almost every interaction you have with your child. When you are thoughtful about your role as a parent, and when you keep your eye on your long-term goals and use carefully planned parenting skills, then your essential parenting attitudes will be properly aligned and your job as a parent will be more fulfilling and rewarding.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Situation:
When we’re out in public my son seems to forget all the good manners he routinely uses at home. If we run into someone I know he won’t even say a polite hello. He forgets to say ‘thank you’ and ‘excuse me’. The list goes on. How can I get him to remember to use his manners?

Think about it:
As annoying as your child’s lack of manners can be, resist the urge to reprimand him in front of other people. I’ve seen many parents do this. In a misguided effort to teach manners, they display some of the worse manners I’ve seen!

Teach them what to do:
Many children are not aware of their bad manners and must be taught not only what not to do, but what to do instead. For example, if a friend of yours speaks to your child, who looks down at his sneakers and ignores the comment, it’s typically embarrassment and ignorance on the child’s part that’s causing the behavior. After the person leaves, make a brief comment to your child, “Casey, if an adult talks to you, it’s polite to look him in the eye and say something back. When Mr. Nagamine commented on your new shoes, you could have said, ‘Thank you, they’re new.’ People like it when you answer them like that.”

Correct privately:
If your child is acting in a rude way, lead him away from other people and quietly and briefly correct him. Give him a smile and a hug to show him that you love him. That way you can send him back into the situation prepared to change for the better.

Have clear expectations:
In advance of a social situation, brief your child on what manners will be expected of him. Younger children can benefit from a role-play at home previewing what they might expect.

Give lots of praise:
Praise your child for using good manners. Believe it or not, children often feel embarrassed when they socialize with adults and use good manners. Since they have heard adults say things like, “Fine thank you, and you?” they feel like an impostor when they say it themselves!

Question:
We’d like to take our children to a real restaurant – one that serves food on a plate with silverware – and actually enjoy it for once! But every time we try this kind of adventure, we end up wishing we’d stayed home and ordered pizza.

Think about it:
Ironically, this problem is one that gets better with practice, but the experience is so painful that the sessions end up being too far apart to be of value. With a specific game plan, you can increase the odds that your children will behave appropriately in a restaurant.

Teach them:
If you are very casual about mealtime manners at home, don’t expect your kids to miraculously develop table manners just because you happen to be sitting in a restaurant. Practice appropriate restaurant manners at home. On a daily basis, require good manners. Next, on a regular schedule, maybe once a month, have a “formal family dinner.” Actually use the good china that warms the shelf in your cabinet; cover the table with a tablecloth, and light some candles. Allow your children to help plan the menu and let them make a centerpiece for the table. Formal meals are likely to become a wonderful family tradition.

Choose wisely:
Don’t choose a restaurant based on its menu, but rather on its level of child-friendliness. What’s important? The availability of a children’s menu that includes food your kids will actually eat. The absence of a long wait for a table. Booster seats or high chairs. Private booths or eating nooks as opposed to one large open room.

Be specific:
Review your expectations for behavior before you enter the restaurant. Be very specific and leave no stone unturned. A sample list of “restaurant rules” might be: Sit in your seat. Use a quiet inside voice. Use your silverware, not your fingers. Have nice conversation, no bickering. If you don’t like something, keep your comments to yourself and fill up on something else. If you have to use the restroom, ask me privately and I’ll take you.

Feed ‘em quick:
If your kids are starving, they will get quite anxious waiting for their meals to arrive. Consider an appetizer that can be served quickly so that the kids can settle in.

Time out:
If a child’s behavior gets out of hand, take her to the restroom or out to the car for a time out. Make sure she understands that this is happening because she is not following the rules, not as a fun diversion to sitting at the table! During this time out, discuss proper behavior with her and take her back to her seat with a clear understanding of what is expected. (Remember that it can be tough for a little one to sit quietly for a long period of time!) If she continues to misbehave after your time-out-chat, don’t be afraid to leave the restaurant. Don’t stay and suffer. If possible, hire a babysitter for that night, or another night soon afterward, and go to dinner without her. Leaving her behind with a sitter will speak volumes about expected behavior.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Question:
I just attended a friend’s child’s birthday party and was shocked by the responses the child gave as he opened his gifts. “I already have one of these.” “This isn’t the one I wanted.” After I was done judging this “nasty” child, I suddenly realized that the holiday is fast approaching, and realized my own daughter would be just as capable of making some of these comments! How can I prevent this rudeness from happening?

Think about it:
Children are not born knowing how to politely respond to gifts, and in their childlike honesty can say some pretty rude things. The easiest way to prevent this is through teaching.

Teach:
Have a training session prior to the expected gift giving (before Grandma arrives at your house). Review the possible situations. “What would you say if you get something you already have – like another Monopoly game?” “What should you say if you get something you don’t like at all?” And even, “What should you say if it’s something you like?” It’s amazing what wonderful results occur with a bit of practice.

Give private corrections:
Even though your child’s comment appears rude and thoughtless, it never helps to embarrass your child in front of the gift-giver. If an impolite comment is made, simply excuse yourself and your child, go to a private place and point out the error. Suggest something nice to say, and return to your guest allowing your child to save face.

Have you been doing enough training? If your child isn’t aware that his comments are inappropriate it’s a sign that you could do a bit more training about manners. This situation may be an indication that there are other areas where your child could benefit from education about appropriate manners.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

We all have heard “milk does a body good” – but what kind of milk? While some milk is fine for some, many others, especially children are allergic or intolerant from their first drink. An estimated 30 million Americans have some kind of lactose (the milk sugar in all dairy products) intolerance, and more than 100,000 babies are thought to suffer from milk allergies.

There is a difference between lactose intolerance and milk allergies. Children with lactose intolerance are deficient in lactase, an enzyme produced internally to break down lactose. This can result in stomach aches, gas and diarrhea. However children allergic to milk have reactions to some or all of the proteins: casein, whey, and lactalbumin. The adverse effects can cause gastric problems as well as skin issues such as rash, and eczema, and nasal distress such as runny nose and congestion. These reactions can come as soon as babies are breastfed (by mothers ingesting dairy products) or given milk based formulas.

The good news is that most children outgrow a milk allergy by the age of 4, according to Paul Ehrlich, M.D., pediatrician, allergist and clinical assistant professor at New York University School of Medicine. Plus he says, “the more attentive you are to keeping milk out of your children’s diet, the sooner the allergy with go away.”

Today many people are asking which milk is the best choice for their families and children. Some households have more than one kind of milk and milk alternative to satisfy different ages, dietary restrictions and tastes. In addition to considering the various cow’s milk alternatives, many parents of children who can drink cow’s milk are buying organic brands to minimize the exposure of the hormone bovine somatotropin (bST) or recombinant bovine growth hormone (rbGH), which some pediatricians and nutritionists such as Robert Pastore, Ph.D suspect as an agent of premature development in children.

So what milk or milk alternative should you buy? Here are some options. And no matter which brand or alternative you try, choose those with fortified calcium, magnesium and vitamin B-12, which makes cow’s milk such a nutritional giant. Let’s discuss your options:

Almond Milk
Not high in protein (only two grams per 8 ounces, as compared with 8 grams in cow’s milk) this naturally sweet beverage does have some beneficial fats and calcium. Because of the smooth and creamy texture it also works well for cooking and baking. Almond milk is not an alternative for those with nut allergies.

Goat Milk
Coat’s milk has only slightly less lactose than cow’s milk, making it an inappropriate alternative to those with intolerance. However it does have different proteins from cow’s milk, so may be a good choice for some with allergies. Goat’s milk is slightly sweet and salty with a fat level and consistency similar to whole cow’s milk.

Rice Milk
This is the least allergenic milk alternative, as it is suitable for children with milk intolerance and allergies. However it is lower in protein and much thinner in consistency than cow’s milk. Young children not getting enough protein from food sources, should not substitute rice milk.

Oat Milk
Oat milk is high in fiber however low in protein. Oat milk has a slightly sweet taste and light consistency. It is highly tolerated by most kids who have soy, rice and milk allergies. However it is not acceptable for children with celiac disease or other wheat and gluten intolerances and allergies.

Soy Milk
This is high in protein and the most popular cow’s milk alternative. However recent research and questions have arisen over soy’s phytoestrgen levels and possible link to interference with children’s hormonal and sexual development. Pediatrician’s caution not to give more than 2 serving a day to children.

About the Author:
Lisa Barnes is the founder of Petit Appetit, a culinary service devoted to the palates and health of infants and toddlers. She teaches in-home private cooking classes to parents, nannies, mothers’ groups, and parenting resources throughout Northern California and is the author of The Petit Appetit Cookbook (published by Penguin Books, March 2005). For more information on Petit Appetit, The Petit Appetit Cookbook or to sign up for a free email newsletter, go to http://www.petitappetit.com.

From the time your child is born, make reading aloud to your child a part of your daily routine. Pick a quiet time, such as just before you put him to bed. This will give him a chance to rest between play and sleep. If you can, read with him in your lap or snuggled next to you so that he feels close and safe. As he gets older, he may need to move around some as you read to him. If he gets tired or restless, stop reading. Make reading aloud a quiet and comfortable time that your child looks forward to.

Try to Read to Your Child Every Day
At first, read for no more than a few minutes at a time, several times a day. As your child grows older, you should be able to tell if she wants you to read for longer periods. Don’t be discouraged if you have to skip a day or don’t always keep to your schedule. Just get back to your daily routine as soon as you can. Most of all make sure that reading stays fun for both of you!

Pick the Right Books
Give your baby sturdy board books to look at, touch and hold. Allow him to turn the pages, look through the holes or lift the flaps. As your child grows older, have books on shelves or in baskets that are at his level. Encourage him to look through the books and talk about them. He may talk about the pictures and he may “pretend” to read a book that he has heard many times.

For a late toddler or early preschooler, use reading aloud to help him learn about books and print. As you read aloud, stop now and then and point to letters and words; then point to the pictures they stand for. Your child will begin to understand that the letters form words and that words name pictures. He will also start to learn that each letter has its own sound — one of the most important things your child can know when learning to read.

Ask Your Child for Feedback
Encourage her to ask questions and to talk about the story. Ask her to predict what will come next. Point to things in books that she can relate to in her own life: “Look at the picture of the penguin. Do you remember the penguin we saw at the zoo?”

Reread Favorite Books
Your child will probably ask you to read favorite books over and over. Even though you may become tired of the same books, he will enjoy and continue to learn from hearing them read again and again.

The books that you pick to read with your child are very important. If you aren’t sure what books are right for your child, ask a librarian to help you choose titles. Read “predictable” books to your child. Predictable books are books with words or actions that appear over and over. These books help children to predict or tell what happens next.

Encourage Your Child to Listen and Repeat
As you read, encourage your child to listen for and say repeating words and phrases, such as names for colors, numbers, letters, animals, objects and daily life activities. Your child will learn the repeated words or phrase and have fun joining in with you each time they show up in the story. Pretty soon, she will join in before you tell her.

Be Enthusiastic About Reading
Read the story with expression. Make it more interesting by talking as the characters would talk, making sound effects and using facial expressions and gestures.

Buy a Children’s Dictionary
If possible choose a dictionary that has pictures next to the words. Then start the “let’s look it up” habit.

Keep Materials Handy
Make writing materials such as crayons, pencils and paper available.

Go to the Library
Begin making weekly trips to the library when your child is very young. See that your child gets his own library card as soon as possible. Many libraries issue cards to children as soon as they can print their names (you’ll also have to sign for your child).

Show Your Child That You Read
When you take your child to the library, check out a book for yourself. Then set a good example by letting your child see you reading for yourself. Ask your child to get one of her books and sit with you as you read your book, magazine or newspaper. Don’t worry if you feel uncomfortable with your own reading ability. It’s the reading that counts. When your child sees that reading is important to you, she may decide that it is important to her, too.