Finding out that a child has been born with a disability, or that a previously healthy child has suffered an injury or disease that causes a disability can be the most traumatic moment in a parent’s life. Shock is usually the first thing people experience. It can temporarily paralyze you, preventing you from taking action, or even making rational decisions. In this difficult first period it is always wise to take the counsel of professionals and family members with experience or others whom you trust, while always maintaining the right to make the final decision yourselves.

After coming to grips with the shock of their situation, many parents come to feel that their expectations have been dashed, that they are failures as parents or that their family has been destroyed. Uncertainty, blame or jealousy may arise. Parents may worry about hundreds of questions that have few immediate answers which can lead to an unbalanced and overly bleak view of the opportunities, potential, and joy that can be found in raising a child with a disability.

These emotions however are normal; part of a “mourning” process that many parents of children with disabilities go through. If you have these feelings, remember that you are not the only ones who feel this way, and that you will get over them. You can adjust more quickly by obtaining accurate information, sharing your feelings openly with others, seeking professional counseling, and, most importantly, having open discussions with all members of your immediate family. With time, love, and support, any negative emotions you feel can be replaced by positive ones leading to productive actions that will benefit your child.

It is not the end of the world, and many families have become stronger, more loving, and more closely knit because of a disability in the family. The disability gave them the opportunity to work together to help out their loved one, and the entire family shares in the gains that are made by the child. Many of the negatives that parents imagine that go along with having a child who has a disability simply do not occur. While you will have to make some sacrifices, you will still have time for your friends, family, and hobbies. After awhile, many of the activities you once viewed as sacrifices will come to be seen as part of every life, rather than an exceptional burden.

Developing a positive attitude is very important, and although children with disabilities will inevitably become aware of their limitations, they should always be encouraged to take on new challenges. This is sometimes difficult as children with physical limitations may be reluctant to participate in physical activities out of fear of failure. Despite these fears, both the child’s and the parent’s perspective should be “have fun, and do your best.”

Some parents of children with disabilities are unable to have their special child live at home with them, but the vast majority is able to successfully manage within the home. If you are finding you cannot cope, there are alternatives available that will allow you to maintain a loving relationship with your child while maximizing appropriate care.

The most important factor in a family’s success is the motivation to succeed. If a child realizes that his parents always encourage success and will not be satisfied with anything less than his best effort, he will be motivated to succeed. Never settling for failure becomes part of his character, and his self-esteem will be enhanced and maintained.

There is a wide range of disabilities that affect children but the constant emphasis on always trying your best, reinforced in an atmosphere of warmth and support, will help any child with a disability triumph over the challenge that he will face. Instilling this confidence will help him have faith in himself and work on his own behalf throughout the course of his entire life.

About The Author
Dr. Mark Nagler is an acknowledged expert for people with disabilities. He was born with Cerebral Palsy and has triumphed over his disability by becoming an expert in the Disability Studies field. He has a B.A. from the University of British Columbia, a Masters degree from the University of Chicago and a Ph.D. from Stirling University in Britain. Dr. Nagler approaches disability from a different perspective than that offered by most experts and, although he has never been able to write, he was able to achieve his impressive array of degrees. He taught at Hamilton’s McMaster University and the University of Waterloo and he has lectured across Canada, the United States, Britain, Sweden, Hungary and Israel. He has used his cerebral palsy to empower students, parents and anyone else with whom he comes in contact. His book, “Yes You Can”, illustrates his own experience in over coming disability and his other work, “What’s Stopping You?”, conveys strategies that adults can successfully use in living with disabilities. www.marknagler.com. nagler@sympatico.ca

When it comes to planning a movie night with your grandchildren, one of the biggest challenges that you will face is deciding which movie to watch. Your decision will further be complicated with the more grandchildren that you have in attendance. With that in mind, you will find that the best way to choose the next movie for your movie night is by examining the average age of your grandchildren. Age should play an important part in your next movie night.

If your grandchildren are newborns, infants, toddlers, or even preschoolers, you will find an unlimited number of choices. In the past few years, the market of videos for this age range have skyrocketed. Although having a wide range of options, in terms of movies for your young grandchildren, is nice, it can also be overwhelming. Of course, you will find some variances, but most newborns, infants, and toddlers love just about anything that is colorful or has catchy music. Sesame Street, Dora the Explorer, and Blues Clues are popular television shows and videos among those in this age group. It is also important to mention that they are all educational in nature.

If your grandchildren are older in age, like those who may be in elementary school or high school, you will still find a number of different options for your next movie night. With that in mind, you will also want to proceed with caution. It is not uncommon for many tween or teen movies to contain violence or foul language, even if not officially swearing. It may be best to stick with movies that parents approve or movies that are rated G or PG. As a grandparent, there is nothing wrong with playing it safe.

As previously stated, choosing a movie for your next movie can be difficult with the more grandchildren that you have present. If you have a combination of young and old grandchildren, it may be a wise idea to offer a compromise. For instance, let the older children help you choose a movie for this week’s movie night and then the following week or next time, your movie can focus on your younger grandchildren. This compromise is one that can help to please everyone, as well as ensure that your next movie night is a hit.

Would you like to get your kids to willingly cooperate? Stop the daily battles? Teach your kids valuable life skills? If your answer is Yes! Yes! Yes! then read on . . .

There are so many things we must get our children to do and so many things me must stop them from doing! Get up. Get dressed. Don’t dawdle. Do your homework. Eat. It goes on and on. We can get our kids to cooperate and at the same time allow them to learn self discipline and develop good decision making skills. How? By offering choices.

Giving a choice is a very powerful tool that can be used with toddlers through teenagers. This is one skill that every parent should have tattooed on the back of his or her hand as a constant reminder. Parents should use this skill every day, many times a day. Giving children choices is a very effective way to enlist their cooperation because children love having the privilege of choice. It takes the pressure out of your request, and allows a child to feel in control. This makes a child more willing to comply.

Using choice is an effective way to achieve results, and when you get in the habit of offering choices you are doing your children a big favor. As children learn to make simple choices — Milk or juice? — they get the practice required to make bigger choices — Buy two class T-shirts or one sweatshirt? — which gives them the ability as they grow to make more important decisions — Save or spend? Drink beer or soda? Study or fail? Giving children choices allows them to learn to listen to their inner voice. It is a valuable skill that they will carry with them to adulthood.

You should offer choices based on your child’s age and your intent. A toddler can handle two choices, a grade-school child three or four. A teenager can be given general guidelines. Offer choices such that you would be happy with whatever option your child chooses. Otherwise, you’re not being fair. For example, a parent might say, “Either eat your peas or go to your room” but when the child gets up off his chair, the parent yells, “Sit down and eat your dinner, young man!” (So that wasn’t really a choice, was it?)

Here are some ways in which you can use choice:

Do you want to wear your Big Bird pajamas or your Mickey Mouse pajamas?
Do you want to do your homework at the kitchen table or the desk?
Would you rather stop at the gas station or give me the money to fill the tank?
Do you want to wear your coat, carry it, or put on a sweatshirt?
Would you prefer to let the dog out in the yard or take him for a walk?
Do you want to run up to bed or hop like a bunny?
What do you want to do first, take out the trash or dry the dishes?
Do you want to watch five more minutes of TV or ten?

A typical problem with choices is the child who makes up his own choice! For example, “Taylor, do you want to put on your pajamas first, or brush your teeth?” To which little Taylor answers, “I want to watch TV.” What to do? Just smile sweetly and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. What do you want to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?”

If your child is still reluctant to choose from the options that you offer, then simply ask, “Would you like to choose or shall I choose for you?” If an appropriate answer is not forthcoming then you can say, “I see that you want me to choose for you.” Then follow through. Make your choice and help your child – by leading or carrying him – so that he can cooperate.

A mother in one of my classes reported using this skill with great success at home. It was after dinner and she said to her husband, “Honey, would you like to clean up the dishes or put the kids to bed?” He responded, “Hey! You’re using that choice this in me!” (All the skills presented in my book will work with adults, too.)

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.