by Elizabeth Pantley author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007)

If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. They are so common that I call them The Big Three. All children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!

Controlling their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.

Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.

Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.

Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.

Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.

Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.

You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.

Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.

Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.

Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game.

Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.

When it’s over, it’s over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

You’ve all been there. Your child isn’t getting his way. He’s crying, yelling, and stomping. As a frustrated parent, you may know, that temper tantrums are a normal childhood reaction to anger and frustration. But knowing this does not make it easier when your child’s ballistic contortions are punctuated by her piercing screams. While it’s normal for your child to have tantrums, your response to them will determine if she keeps having them and having them and having them…

Here are a variety of different ideas that may help you curb your child’s tantrums.

Create a Tantrum Place:
Let your child know in advance that all tantrums will take place in one specific room, such as her bedroom, the bathroom, or the laundry room. When a tantrum starts, you can escort your child to the “tantrum room” with one brief comment, “You can come out when you’re done.” If she comes out of the room, and she’s still having the tantrum, just lead her back repeating, “You can come out when you’re done.” At first your child may spend the whole day in the tantrum room, but she’ll quickly find out that tantrums are no fun without an audience!

Help develop self-control:
If your child has tantrums and can’t seem to calm herself down, it’s best to teach her how to control herself. Do this by enveloping her in a hug and rocking her with soothing words, “It’s okay. Calm down.” When the tantrum is winding down, distract her by washing her face or giving her a drink of water. Do not give in to the child’s original request, and stay calm yourself. At a quiet time, begin to teach your child what to do when she gets angry (explain to her what words and actions are appropriate).

Take away the audience:
As long as your child’s tantrum is not dangerous to her or to property, feel free to say, “I’m leaving the room. Come and get me when you’re done.” And do just that. Busy yourself with something else, and wait patiently for your child to calm down.

Big-kid tantrums? Make an agreement with an older child who displays tantrum behavior that when she starts to lose control, you’re going to ask her to go to her room to cool off. If she doesn’t go immediately to her room when asked, she will lose a privilege (decide in advance what that might be—telephone, TV, or bike riding, for example) or she’ll be assigned an extra chore. This is, of course, in addition to the fact that she still gets to go to her room to calm down.

Use distraction:
When you see your child beginning to lose control, distract her before the tantrum can turn into a full-blown outburst. When you see frustration mounting quickly direct your child to a different activity. Often this is enough to keep a child from having a tantrum.

Preventative measures:
Avoid tantrums by offering your child choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first—put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” In addition, you may be able to elude tantrums by avoiding the situations that most likely set your child off, such as allowing her to become overtired, over-hungry or over-stimulated. For example, running a string of errands which occur during your toddler’s normal nap-time is sure to end with an over-tired child who displays little patience for one more stop before heading home to bed.

Take note:
If your child has frequent intense tantrums it would be wise to talk with your pediatrician, a counselor or a family therapist.

What about public tantrums? Handling tantrums at home is one thing. But what about in public? What if your child yells, stomps, screams, and throws his body onto the floor when he doesn’t get his way. This is frustrating and embarrassing when you’re in a place like the grocery store, toy store, restaurant, or anywhere there’s an interested audience. You may feel like your hands are tied when everyone’s watching you, but this is the key to future problems.

Think about it. The first time your child acted this way in public, you were probably caught off guard. In your embarrassment, you did everything you could to stop the tantrum. If you had looked closely, you would have seen a little twinkle appear in your child’s eye as he realized he discovered a new way to get what he wants. Instead of finding yourself in this situation over and over again, try the following tips for curbing public tantrums.

Prepare in advance:
Use a preventive approach by reviewing desired behavior prior to entering a public building. “Eric, we’re going into the toy store now. We are going to buy a birthday gift for Troy. We are not buying anything for ourselves today. If you see something you like, let me know, and I’ll put it on your wish list. I want you to remember to walk beside me and keep your hands to yourself.”

Be reasonable:
While you may be concentrating on your tasks, your child has been shoved in and out of his car seat and ushered from place to place enduring endless hours looking at grown up knees. You may be able to prevent tantrums by bringing along a toy or snack to keep your child occupied. Also, get him involved by having him select groceries, find the shoe store, read the menu to you, or any other “busy work”. The positive attention and focused activity will keep him too busy to worry about having a tantrum.

Get out of dodge:
When a tantrum starts, put your face next to your child’s ear and announce, “Stop now or we go out to the car.” If he doesn’t stop, pick him up or lead him to the car. Sit him in the back seat while you stand outside the door (or, in foul weather, sit in the front seat and pointedly ignore him). An alternative to the car is to find a secluded bench or quiet corner. If he doesn’t stop quickly, and you can change your schedule, go home. Send him to his room for a specified time (about 3 minutes for every year of age, for example, 15 minutes for a five-year-old.) The extra time it takes to do this once or twice will establish great credibility and can save you from many painful hours at the mall with an obstinate teenager.

Get HIS attention:
Get eye level with your child and say, “Follow me.” Break eye contact and begin to walk away. Walk slowly where he can see you. Many children will follow. If yours doesn’t, stop a short distance away and wait, pretending interest in something else, while you wait. After a few minutes pass, and your child has calmed down, you can approach your child, hold him by the hand, and say, “Let’s go now”.

Use a poker face. Deal with it later:
Stand above your child with arms crossed and a stern face. Say nothing. When the tantrum is over, complete your errands. When you return home, announce that since your child had a tantrum while you were out, he will suffer a consequence now (no dessert after dinner, staying inside, missing his TV show, or going to bed early). Do this once, then use it as your “ace in the hole.” At the next public tantrum say, “Stop now or you will stay inside when we get home, like you did last week.” You child will remember and know you mean business.

Set up a training session:
If public tantrums are a regular occurrence, plan a training session. Go to the grocery store. Buy a few staples and put a nice assortment of your child’s favorite goodies in the cart (potato chips, ice cream, and cookies). Walk around long enough for your child to have the expected tantrum. Walk the cart over to the register and announce to the cashier that you’ll have to leave the groceries and go home because your child is misbehaving. (Smile at the cashier and she’ll probably smile back, happy to see at least one customer controlling her child!) Then go home. Your child will most likely comment on the loss of the goodies. Just say, “Oh well, some other time.” Expect great, loud unhappiness, but long-term value!

If all else fails:
After an unpleasant experience, plan an outing and leave your child at home with a baby sitter. Explain that the tantrum she had the day before is the reason why she is staying home. Expect crying, screaming, and pleading, but be firm. Doing this once has an impact that lasts a long time.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Gentle Baby Care

Question
To Grandmother’s house we go! And we’ll be in the car for five whole hours? How can we make the trip enjoyable with a baby along?

Learn about it
There’s no question: Marathon car trips with a baby on board take a good amount of planning and organization. But it can be done, and yes, it can even be fun!

Planning the trip
In the hustle that precedes a trip, it can be easy to let things happen, instead of make things happen. Be proactive in making your trip decisions. Contemplating these questions, and coming up with the right answers, can help make your trip more successful:

Does your baby sleep well in the car? If yes, plan your travel time to coincide with a nap or bedtime so your baby can sleep through part of the journey. If not, plan to leave immediately after a nap or upon waking in the morning. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your baby will behave differently than usual in the car just because it’s a special occasion.

Is it necessary to make the trip all at once, or can you break it up with stops along the way? The longer your baby is strapped in the carseat, the more likely he’ll become fussy. Planning a few breaks can keep everyone in a better frame of mind.

When estimating an arrival time, have you factored in plenty of extra time for unplanned surprises? A diaper explosion that requires a complete change of clothes or a baby whose inconsolable crying requires an unexpected 20-minute stop are just two of the things that can easily happen.

Do you have everything you need to make the trip pleasant? Items like:

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of No Cry Sleep Solution

Question:
Our first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards the new baby. He’s obviously mad at us for disrupting the predictable flow of his life with this new challenger for our attention. How can we smooth things out?

Think about it:
Before the baby entered your family, your toddler was told he’d have a wonderful little brother to play with, and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother is born and your toddler is thinking, “Are you kidding me? This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed to be FUN?” He then “plays” with the baby in the only ways he knows how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing toys at the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You yell at him to get the blanket off the baby. He gives the kid a hug, and you admonish him to be more careful. Is it any wonder that your toddler is confused?

Teach:
Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how to interact with his new sibling in proper ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that you’ve achieved your second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together. Yes, I know. It isn’t convenient. But it is necessary, maybe even critical.

Hover:
Whenever the children are together, “hover” close by. If you see your child about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of “Nos,” which may actually encourage the aggressive behavior.

Teach soft touches:
Teach the older sibling how to give the baby a back rub. Tell how this kind of touching calms the baby, and praise the older child for a job well done. This lesson teaches the child how to be physical with the baby in a positive way.

Act quickly:
Every time you see your child hit, or act roughly with the baby, act quickly. You might firmly announce, “No hitting, time out.” Place the child in a time-out chair with the statement, “You can get up when you can use your hands in the right way.” Allow him to get right up if he wants – as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This isn’t punishment, after all. It’s just helping him learn that rough actions aren’t going to be permitted.

Demonstrate:
Children learn what they live. Your older child will be watching as you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You are your child’s most important teacher. You are demonstrating in everything you do, and your child will learn most from watching you.

Praise:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important “older brother.” Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.

Watch your words:
Don’t blame everything on the baby. “We can’t go to the park; the baby’s sleeping.” “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” “After I change the baby I’ll help you.” At this point, your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. “My hands are busy now.” “We’ll go after lunch.” “I’ll help you in three minutes.”

Be supportive:
Acknowledge your child’s unspoken feelings, such as “Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.” Keep your comments mild and general. Don’t say, “I bet you hate the new baby.” Instead, say, “It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby.” or “I bet you wish we could go to the park now, and not have to wait for the baby to wake up.” When your child knows that you understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to act up to get your attention.

Give extra love:
Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs, and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

Get ‘em involved:
Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let the older sibling open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby’s socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

Making each feel special:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair! Children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

Take a deep breath and be calm.
This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards, and focus on your current priority, adjusting to your new family size.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

If you want your baby to grow up to be a confident adult, you must start working on building his self esteem from infancy. It isn’t hard to do and not only will it help your baby, but it will bring reward and happiness to your life as well. Here are some suggestions of things you can do to help your baby build his self esteem.

Talk to Your Baby
Get right down to your child’s level and talk to her. Even little babies love face-to-face interaction. Talk about whatever you and she are doing, whether it be changing a diaper or eating dinner. Respond to her babbles and coos, as you would in a conversation with an adult. Not only will she learn language patterns, but she’ll feel like an important part of the family.

Let Your Baby Help You
Little ones love to feel their contributions matter. When your older baby is in his high chair or sitting at the table, give him some green beans to put in the bowl or a spoon to stir the pasta salad. Walking children can help unload the dryer or carry a dirty towel to the washing machine. All of these little achievements help him feel big!

“Help” Your Baby Succeed
When you and your baby are working on any of these tasks, don’t rush in to finish the job for him. Help guide them along. If he’s frustrated with the puzzle, lay the piece close to where it goes so he can just slide it in. If he’s just learning how to pick things up, turn the piece so it’s easier to grasp. Look for these little ways to help your child learn.

Distract Your Baby
Something to look at may make your baby forget why he was crying, at least for a while. Bright, colorful patterns may fascinate him. He will often gaze intently at postcards, wallpaper, or your clothes. Faces and mirrors are also excellent distractions, and a walk around the house to look at photographs or to peer into a mirror may calm him.

Assign Easy Tasks
Be sure tasks aren’t too big or discouraging. Instead of asking a little one to pick up twenty cereal bits off her tray, just put down five. Instead of working on a whole puzzle at once, do a piece or two. For children just learning to stack, let them pile on just a couple of cups – don’t try to do it all at once. That will only increase frustration levels for both of you.

Copy Your Baby
Babies learn a great deal by mirroring other behaviors. However, it is just as fun for them to be “in control” and for you to mimic what they are doing. If he says “Dada,” repeat it back. Make it a game and let him lead the way. He’ll feel more confident knowing that he can make those little decisions in his play.

When your baby cries, it’s important to respond quickly without making a fuss. Letting him cry for a long time will agitate him more. There are simple things that you can do to help soothe your newborn and help him fall asleep.

Swaddle
Wrap him up quite firmly in a baby quilt or receiving blanket, tucking the ends under him to make a neat bundle. It may comfort him to feel safe and secure. Carry him around in your arms still swaddled up until he seems happier, and put him down to sleep on his back without unwrapping him. If your baby is crying because of something you’ve had to do to him–perhaps he hates being dressed or washed, for example–swaddling may be the best way to reassure and calm him, and stop the crying.

Rock
Movement often comforts a cranky baby, and may put him to sleep. Rock him in your arms, and if he doesn’t quiet down, try rocking faster — perhaps 60 to 70 rocks per minute. Or just jiggle him up and down by shifting from foot to foot, perhaps with your baby in an infant carrier on your chest. Or rock with him in a rocking chair, if you have one. Or put her in her stroller or carriage and push her back and forth or go for a walk around the block.

Cuddle
Very often, this will be just the sort of loving contact your baby needs to calm down and stop crying. If he quiets when you hold him upright against your shoulder, or face down in your arms, it may have been gas making him cry. If he has been passed around for relatives and friends to hold, he may just want a few quiet moments of being cuddled by a familiar parent.

Distract
Something to look at may make your baby forget why he was crying, at least for a while. Bright, colorful patterns may fascinate him. He will often gaze intently at postcards, wallpaper, or your clothes. Faces and mirrors are also excellent distractions, and a walk around the house to look at photographs or to peer into a mirror may calm him.

Pat
Your baby may be gassy and need to burp. Rhythmically patting and rubbing his back or stomach will often calm him down and may help him to bring up gas. The feel of your hand will often comfort him when you first put him down to change his diaper, too. Try patting his chest or belly to help him calm down.

Sucking
Almost all babies are soothed by sucking, and nowadays mothers are often sent home from the hospital with a pacifier for their newborn. Obstetrical nurses have been known to use them, so don’t be afraid to try one. You might also offer your cranky baby your own clean little finger. Some newborns suck their own thumbs or fists. Your baby may not want to suck on a prop, but would rather nurse for comfort. This is ok, too. It will just help strengthen the bond between you and your baby.