By Dr. Tom Olson

1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don’t rely on the schools, the government, television, the movies or music to teach their children values and the difference between right and wrong. They do it themselves.

2. They have a vision for their family and its future, one that is discussed and shared often. And they support the vision with clearly articulated, clarified and communicated values and beliefs. Every action, behavior, and decision is taken with those values and beliefs firmly in mind. They constantly emphasize the relationship between family successes and acting in accordance with the values and beliefs. They make a clear distinction between right and wrong. Everybody is clear on how things are to be done and why.

3. They are behavioral models for their children. Their behaviors reflect those that they want the kids to emulate. They are honest because they value honesty; open because they value openness; forgiving because they value forgiveness. They make tough decisions when necessary and they take responsibility for the results. They don’t just tell their children what to value and believe; they show them through words and deeds.

4. They enable their children. They communicate high, but achievable behavioral and performance expectations and provide the spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual and financial resources the children need to successfully achieve them. They know that self-esteem is a function of achievement.

5. They talk with their kids, not at them. They develop feedback loops so the children can come to understand the impact of their behavior on others. They make sure the kids understand the relationship behavior and consequences. And they distinguish between the child and his or her behavior so, when there are problems, they unconditionally love the child while looking for a solution to the problem.

6. They take pains to understand how children develop. As the children are finding their way in the world these parents use a combination of maturity and skill to firmly direct when direction is needed; discuss when the circumstances merit; push the kids away when they are ready to make provisional tries when they are ready to and, finally; they set them free altogether. Through it all, the door is left open for the kids to come back if they needed to.

7. They take an active role in their children’s education, both formal and informal. They are active contributors to both the schools and communities. They enrich the home environment in every way they can. They go to concerts, games, on camping trips and, unfailingly, to the ceremonies that mark the graduations from one stage to the next.

8. Although their children are outstanding in any number of ways, these parents freely admit their kids were anything but perfect. They accept and openly talk about the fact that, while good kids, their children are just as prone as others to the vicissitudes of growing up and, on occasion, their behavior reflects that fact.

9. When the time comes, they discuss the future and provide appropriate advice and guidance regarding career and other life choices that children must eventually make.

10. Through it all they encourage independent, critical thinking so, in the final analysis, each child becomes his or her own person.

© Dr. Tom Olson 2004, all rights reserved Permission to reprint article granted as long as this signature remains intact.

About the Author
Dr. Tom Olson is the author of Don’t Die With Your Helmet On. Visit www.Dontdiewithyourhelmeton.com for more information about Dr. Tom, the book and his work. Contact Dr. Tom at info@dontdiewithyourhelmeton.com.

by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

“What are you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?” My seven-year-old son looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor. He stood statue-still, as children often do after an accident. The words and tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to fight the tears, and prepared to clean things up.

When I thought about it later, I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame and anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings too painful to deal with.

The truth was difficult.

I was teaching my son to feel shame.

How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst” in us?

The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They are often at the heart of toxic relations between parents and children. When we’re unable to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include frustration, humiliation, and anger. Our own sense of being defective may accompany the sense of shame, and may be related to our history as a child.

As children, there were times when we felt misunderstood and mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.

When we become parents, we are constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings and defenses.

When we’re “in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions, and about what’s right and wrong.

And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all—the needs of our children.

Here are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:

by Marie Magdala Roker

1. Encourage Questions
   Don’t answer every question, instead ask what do they think. Asking questions stimulates conversation between you and your child.

    

2. Don’t Criticize
   Criticism invites low self-esteem. Children feel that they have failed or disappointed their parents when they are criticized. Find alternate ways of correcting the problem. A child will likely shut down communication if they feel that their parents are not supportive.

    

3. Respect Your Child’s Opinions
   Your child is not an extension of you. Although it is difficult to accept at times, it is normal and healthy for your child to have their own opinion. Children who are confident in expressing their opinions are less likely to join gangs or succumb to peer pressure.

    

4. Teach Your Child To Embrace Diversity
   Encourage your child to learn about different cultures and ethnicities. A well informed child can will understand and respect other people’s values.

    

5. Teach Your Child To Set Personal Boundaries
   Children need to have their personal space respected in order for them to respect other people’s personal space. Help your child to establish their boundaries and insist that he/she enforce them with their peers.

6. Establish A Nurturing Environment
   Children thrive in environments in which they know they are loved and respected. Remind them every day that you love them and support them.

 

7. Understand Your Child’s Thinking Process
   In order for you to be an advocate for your child in school, you must know and understand how your child learns. Is he/she creative, logical, musical, spatial, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic? Know your child’s capabilities and accept their creativity.

    

8. Let Them Think For Themsleves
   Encourage independent thinking. Let your child decide (within reason) what is appropriate for them. Give them enough room to make decisions, but also be there in case their plans don’t work out.

    

9. Teach Them Stress Management Skills
   Help your child to effectively deal with stress. Try not to contribute to their stress with demands and unrealistic expectations. Make learning fun!

    

10. Teach Your Child To Trust His/Her Instincts
    In order for children to be successful in life, they must learn how to trust their decisions. Your child needs to be confident in trusting his/her instincts and feelings. Children who trust themselves are less likely to participate in unhealthy behaviors.

About The Author
Marie Magdala Roker is a Family Coach and Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor. She is completing her Masters in Health Education at Columbia University’s Teachers College. She helps parents to reclaim their lives and students to unlock their academic potential. She is committed to helping build healthy families, one family member at a time.

by Kelly E. Nault, M.A.

When your child misbehaves, do you find yourself feeling like they’re “out to get you”? Contrary to what you might be feeling at the time, your child probably doesn’t intend to misbehave with the intention to spoil your day. Usually, misbehavior stems from their own feelings of discouragement.

Rudolph Dreikurs said, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” When a child fails to receive encouragement, they will look for others ways to get the attention they seek—often through ineffective means such as aggression, whining, bullying, disrespect, and even coach potato behavior.

By encouraging our children, we can actually prevent the misbehavior we don’t like. Sound good? Then keep reading!

Encouragement vs. Praise
Many Moms and Dads have learned how to praise their children, but the art of encouragement is a skill they’ve yet to master.

What’s the difference?
Encouragement is a “gift” focusing on the internal process—the “who” our child is. Praise, however, is given as a “reward” for external results—the “what” our child does.

When children are fed a constant diet of praise, they begin to focus on externals for their self-worth. The outcome? “Pleasers” and “perfectionists” who are constantly struggling to prove their worth. This can eventually lead to problems like anorexia, depression, and alcohol or drug abuse.

When children feel good about who they are because of encouragement, however, very little can stop them from attaining their dreams!

How to Tell the Two Apart
Here’s an easy way to remember the difference between encouragement and praise:

Encouragement—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear during a game or race. Things like:

• “Way to go!”
• “You can do it.”
• “Great save.”
• “You look like you are really enjoying yourself.”
• “Awesome job!”
• “Look at all the effort you are putting into this.”
• “I bet you were proud of that goal.”

Praise—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear after your child’s team has won. Examples are:

• “I am so proud of you, you won!”
• “You’re a winner. I love you.”
• “We’re number one, we’re number one!”
• “You’re first, like your sister.”
• “Finally, you won.”

Does this mean praise is evil? Of course not! It’s just ineffective in fostering your child’s internal support system—their self-esteem. The more you focus on encouraging phrases and words, instead of just praise, the more likely your child is to feel good about who they are.

Start Using These Positive Parent Rules Today!
Mystery solved! I trust you realize now that the main reason your child misbehaves is because they want to be encouraged. Here are 10 top ways you can start encouraging your child right away:

1. Smile and literally “light up” when they come into the room.
2. Focus on their strengths, rather than their weaknesses.
3. Every night, before bed, say to them, “I am so blessed to have a daughter/son like you in my life.”
4. Ask them for their opinion on an issue or challenge you had that day.
5. “Catch them” doing things you love and acknowledge them for it.
6. Become interested in what they are passionate about by asking questions and learning more.
7. Hug them often.
8. Look for ways they can help out and thank them for it.
9. Place surprise notes of encouragement in their lunch or under their pillow.
10. Use encouraging phrases like, “You must be proud of yourself.”

If you’re accustomed to “praising,” the switch to “encouraging” may be tough at first. Encouragement is an art form that takes both practice and experience. But the time and effort you put into encouraging your children is definitely worth it. Why? Because encouragement, moment by moment, leads to great things.

About the Author
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online nine week parenting course here.

by Debbie Rodgers

One of the most rewarding ways to use your outdoor living space is to gather your family members for a reunion. Perhaps it’s a small group that gets together annually, or a large one whose far-flung members attend every two or five or even 10 years. Whether large or small, a reunion is a wonderful opportunity to knit families closer together through shared stories.

In the much-underrated 1990 film Avalon, a Russian immigrant to 1940s America relates the disintegration of his family ties. In his young manhood, his children gathered at the feet of older relatives during family gatherings and listened to tales of their heritage and history. As television took hold of society in the late ’50s, children and adults alike opted for the entertainment of television personalities, instead of the stories of their roots.

But just as the art of listening to stories has gone by the wayside, so has the art of telling them. Here’s how to re-start a tradition of storytelling at your family reunion.

Advise all who will be attending that there will be an opportunity to tell some stories about the family, and let them know you’d love to hear them share something. Especially encourage older ones to think about their children when they were young, their own childhood, or even stories they may remember from their parents. With only a little effort, you can be hearing about things that happened over a century ago.

Have some questions prepared to start the ball rolling. “Where did your family go on vacation when your children were small?” “How did you and Grandpa meet?” “What’s the funniest thing one of your children ever did?” “How did you manage through tough times?”

Encourage storytellers to use descriptions that will engage all of the senses. Was the thunder rolling in the distance just before the downpour when Grandma and Grandpa bumped into each other running for cover? Did the scent of the lilacs in Aunt Ellen’s garden waft in through her kitchen window? Was there a cool breeze on the beach near the family vacation campsite? Did the sun sparkle off the snow on the mid-winter drive to Uncle Max’s? Was the strawberry jam your mom made the sweetest you ever tasted? Use touch, smell and taste as well as sight and sound to bring the scene to life for listeners.

The best stories have a point. “That’s when I first learned how important it is to be on time.” “If it hadn’t rained that day, we might never have met, and most of you would never have been born!” It doesn’t have to be profound, but be prepared to help your tellers wrap up their stories with a short statement of its significance.

Get the younger ones involved too — perhaps you can encourage them to be official family historians who will record the stories. If there’s a group, give them papers and drawing materials and ask them to make pictures of the scenes they will hear unfold. You can have the older ones label the drawings and then gather them together with ribbon. Each family can take home their personal family album.

If there are old photographs that support an account, or a time period, mount these in archive quality materials and display them in a shady spot or pass them around while the story is being told. Use other mementos as well. Your great-grandfather’s railroad watch that he wore to work every day for 45 years, or a playbill from your first date will help bring life to the accounts of those special times. So gather your loved ones on your porch or patio and make some memories while you start a storytelling tradition

About The Author
Debbie Rodgers, the haven maven, owns and operates Paradise Porch, and is dedicated to helping people create outdoor living spaces that nurture and enrich them. Her latest how-to guide “Attracting Butterflies to Your Home and Garden” is now available on her web site. Visit her at www.paradiseporch.com and get a free report on “Eight easy ways to create privacy in your outdoor space”.

You have heard those stories about the toddlers who are completely potty trained at 18 months old. Their mothers walk around bragging and all smug, while you sit there looking at your 2 1/2 year old, wondering why he isn’t interested at all. Some mothers worry that there is something wrong developmentally with their child if they aren’t potty trained and seem to have no interest in potty training. In reality, this is perfectly normal.

A study put out by the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia states that the average age for a child to start potty training is 27 months. This being the average age, there are a lot of toddlers that won’t be completely potty trained till after their third birthday.

You can try to encourage your child to potty train, but you shouldn’t push them or get mad as it could only slow the process for them. When your child starts to show interest in YOU going potty, ask them if they want to sit down and try. Many kids might be scared or might just say no. Try to put them on their own potty chair or on the toilet before and after baths, right before bed, or first thing when they wake up in the morning. Some kids will be more comfortable on their own potty chair, others will want to try it like a “big person”.

If you have a child that just doesn’t “get it”, see if you can get them to sit on the toilet or potty chair and try giving him milk, juice or water. Have him sit there till he goes, as the urge might still be involuntary. When he does go applaud and cheer, make a big deal out of it. Chances are he may not know the jist of what he did, but he will know that he pee’d in the potty and you are happy. This praise from parents can often help a child along.

Dr. Phil has his own advice and tips when it comes to teaching your child the art of potty training. Several celebrities have used his methods and believe that they worked in helping them succeed in training their child, including Holly Robinson Peete and Vanessa Marcil. His method includes getting a doll that wets letting the child see this doll going potty and getting praise, so that the child wants the praise as well.

Often times, subsequent children potty train faster than your first. Seeing an older sibling running around is often encouragement for a toddler to hurry up and get there. They want to be like their older sibling. Also, getting a child to not only pee, but poop on the toilet can be a challenge in itself, especially for boys. For some reason boys seem to find it harder than girls to get fully potty trained.

There are no concrete methods that will guarantee your 2 year old will potty train when you are ready for him too, if he is not ready. It is best to remember that you just not push him, get mad, or yell if he isn’t doing it fast enough. Don’t make it seem like a big deal so that your child doesn’t fight the effort to learn. Eventually something in your child’s head will “click” and your child will be ready to potty train. After all, how many kindergarteners do you know who start school still in diapers?

by Armin Brott

Dear Mr. Dad: My wife just had our first child. I’m insanely happy and I want to get more involved but I’ve never been around babies before and have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do with him. What do you suggest?

Armin answers: Although it may be tempting to just sit around and stare at your baby, marveling at every little thing he does, you’ll need to do a lot more than that if you’re really going to get to know him. Here are some of the best ways to start:

• Hold him. Newborns love to be carried around, held in your arms, held in a pack, etc.

• Talk to him. No, he can’t understand a word you’re saying. In fact, he barely even knows you exist. But talk anyway–explain everything you’re doing as you’re doing it, tell him what’s happening in the news, etc.–it’ll help him get to know the rhythm of the language.

• Change his diapers. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it’s a great time to interact with the baby one-on-one, to rub his soft belly, tickle his knees, kiss his tiny fingers. For at least the first month or so, he needs to be changed every two hours–baby’s super-sensitive skin shouldn’t stew in human waste–so there are plenty of opportunities. And don’t worry: changing diapers is an acquired skill–in just a few days you’ll be able to do it with your eyes closed (although you probably shouldn’t—especially if you’re using pins). In the meantime, even if you don’t do it right, baby poop washes right off your hands and won’t stain your clothes. One hint, though: immediately after undoing the diaper, put something (like a towel or cloth diaper) over baby for a few seconds. The sudden rush of fresh air on the baby’s crotch can result in your getting sprayed.

• Play with him. During the first few weeks, forget about football and chess. But try to spend at least 20 minutes (probably broken into 5-minute installments) a day doing something with the baby one-on-one. Chatting, reading aloud, rocking, making faces, experimenting with the baby’s reflexes or even simply catching her gaze and looking into his eyes are great activities. Here are a couple of things to remember:

• Take your cues from the baby. If he cries or seems bored, stop what you’re doing. Too much playing can make your child fussy or irritable, so limit play sessions to five minutes or so.

• Be encouraging. Use lots of facial and verbal encouragement, smiles, and laughter. Although the baby can’t understand the words, he definitely understands the feelings. Even at only a few days old, he’ll want to please you, and lots of encouragement will help build his self-confidence.

• Be gentle-—especially with the baby’s head. Because babies’ heads are relatively large (one-quarter of their body size at birth vs. one-seventh by the time they’re adults) and their neck muscles are not yet well developed, their heads tend to be pretty floppy for the first few months. Be sure to support the head—from behind—at all times, and avoid sudden or jerky motions.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Children are like sponges when they are young in that they soak up so much information that it is hard to keep up! They are also inquisitive and will ask question after question until they fully understand what they wanted to know to begin with, and often everything related to the subject in question as well! As a result, this is actually the ideal time to teach them all about the environment and how they can help to prevent damage to it.

The key when encouraging your child to become more environmentally friendly is to make it fun and interesting. If you are creative then they will get involved and are more likely to remember what you have said! The earlier you start the better so take a look at the tips outlined below for a few ideas!

• Invent games! Children love to play games and can relate to them so hiding a message in the game is a great way to get the green message through. For example, you could play I-Spy with green items within the house or paint wildlife… anything that you can think of to get the ball rolling!

• Encourage them to decorate their own rooms with old furniture! They can paint it and alter it themselves as long as they use green items only.

• When you are eliminating things you no longer need and organizing the stuff you have, send them on a treasure hunt. Encourage them to figure out which toys they don’t want any more so other boys and girls can have them, nothing goes to waste.

• Get them to help in your vegetable patch! Give them a patch of their own to nurture so that they can watch the plants grow and feel proud of themselves.

• Involve them in household recycling. It gives them a little responsibility and teaches them about recycling at the same time.

• Buy your children a bike from an early age and take them to the local shops on it regularly. This is much better than driving there and will be fun for them as well.

• Join a local environmental group with your children. There are community groups that are designed for parents and small children and they are of real value when encouraging your children to go green.

• Get creative! Encourage your children to make toys and games from recycled materials and birthday cards for family members from old cards that you have previously received.

All of these activities will engage your children and allow them to see that being environmentally friendly is actually a lot of fun. They will soon be environmental converts for life!

by Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution

When your child moves from crib to bed it’s a milestone in his life as well as yours. There is no precise time for making this move, though typically it’s between the first and third birthday. The key to success is to be patient and allow your child time to adjust to the change.

Why move a child from crib to bed?
If a child sleeps well in his crib, don’t rush the change. Switching to a bed gives a child freedom and brings new issues for parents, such as the yo-yo syndrome or early morning wanderings. The most common reasons to switch:

• Your child learns how to climb.
  — Move your child out of the crib when the rail is up to the level of his nipples, since climbing out is more possible.
• Your child outgrows the crib.
  — Don’t assume it’s time! You may think that he’s uncomfortable, but he may be content in his little nest.
• Your child asks for a bed.
  — If she’s old enough, then go ahead and take the leap.
• Your child is learning how to use the toilet.
  — Even if your child uses the toilet during the day, it’s often a long while before bedtime dryness happens.
• A new sibling is on the way.
  — If your little one loves his crib, then ousting him to make room for the newcomer may add stress. If you feel that the time is right then make the change two months or more before your newborn arrives.

What kind of bed should my child move to?
There are a number of options for a child’s first bed:

• Toddler bed
  These are small, low and child-sized. They have guard rails on all sides, and come in playful designs.
• Regular bed
  A common choice is a mattress, box springs and bed frame (with all sides protected from fall-outs). Consider a double or bigger size to accommodate the night-reading ritual.
• Mattress on the floor
  A popular choice is a mattress or futon on the floor. This provides your little one with a big-kid bed, but one that prevents any painful falls.
• Bunk bed
  Hold off on a bunk bed until your child is 6 years old, when it is considered safe.

How do we make the change?
Which approach is best for you will depend on your reasons for making the change, your child’s personality, and the size of his room. Here are a few options:

• Big-kid bed hoopla
  Some children enjoy having an official Big Kid Day party. Set up the bed, decorate the room and add a few sleep-related gifts like books and stuffed animals.
• One-step-at-a-time
  Take the mattress out of the crib and place it on the floor in the place as the crib was. This gives your child the same sleeping surface and view of the room as he’s accustomed to. Place guard rails around the sides to create a crib-like enclosure. Keep the same bedding and crib toys. This is a mid-step between the crib and a real bed.
• The gradual introduction
  Set up the new bed in the same room with the crib. Allow your child to play on the bed and nap there. Do your bedtime reading in the new bed. This will help your child get used to the bed gradually.

Patience and encouragement
No matter which path you choose – be patient. Big steps toward growth often happen in spurts, and your child may be excited to welcome the change one day, but wary of it the next. Maintain your nightly bedtime routine and help your child develop a positive association with his new bed, since he’ll be sleeping there for many years to come.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

By Eriani Doyel

If you are expecting your first child, or if you care for a young child, you should know that reading to them is one of the best gifts that you can give to them. Reading is the key that will open the door to knowledge and education for them for the rest of their lives. How early should you start to read to your baby? Although some try to read to their baby before they are born, if you start right after they are born, they will be given a head start on reading success and life.

What do you read to a baby? Although babies cannot see or focus very well for a few months after birth, they can see basic outlines, shapes and bright colors. There are many books designed specifically for reading to babies that have these features. The book does not even have to have any words. You can supply those as you look at the pictures and point to objects.

Where should you read to a baby? Reading should be a comforting, bonding moment for you and your baby. Put them right in your lap. This is not only good because you can both see the pictures, but the baby will feel close and secure.

How should you read to a baby? Reading should be much like speaking to a baby. Research has shown that babies respond best to “baby talk”-that high, sing-song voice that many people just use naturally when they are talking to a baby. Be animated and do not use a harsh, loud or monotone voice.

As you read, point to objects in the book and name them. You will find that soon the baby will also be able to point and name objects. Reading begins just like this. Let the baby turn the pages and handle the book. This is one reason that the books you buy or check out from the library for your baby are sturdy board books or cloth books.

To really encourage your baby to read you should make sure that you have books in a place where the baby can easily reach them and use them. It may frustrate you to see them pounding on them and eating them, but really this is the beginning of a love of books. Keep the “nice” books out of reach, but make sure there are selections that are never off limits. Your baby will thank you.

About the Author:
Eriani Doyel writes articles about Home and Family. For more information about reading visit readingrhino.com.