By Kelly E. Nault, M.A.

Conflict is part of life. If you are human—if you are breathing—you will experience conflict even with those you love most. This is normal. Conflict can actually be healthy when our family members have the skills to move through conflict. When we don’t have conflict resolution skills—that’s when we experience problems.

If you find yourself revisiting the same heated issues—“Why can’t you pick up after yourself?”, “Why can’t you help out more with the kids?”, or “Why can’t you two just get along for once?”—you may be living in a cantankerous home environment that has your whole family in the “deep end” of life. Don’t despair: there is a solution.

Easy-to-Use Activities for Conflict Resolution Skills Development
My book, When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You contains dozens of easy-to-use tips for developing conflict resolution skills in your children. Here are three of the most useful conflict resolution tools:

1. Establish Family Rules For Conflict – Sit down as a family and create a special conflict resolution rules document that each of you can refer to during fights and arguments. Include things like: we are specific when we talk about our problems, we forgive one another, we are honest, we listen to others point of view, we look for solutions so we can all feel good, we don’t yell or put another person down, etc. Create this document when things are going well in your household and commit to referring to it whenever a fight heats up and to remind others to do the same. The more everyone is involved with creating the family rules for conflict, the more members of the family will use it.

    

2. Use a “Mom’s Timeout” – Timeouts are often used as punishment when a child misbehaves (for example, putting them in a corner or on a stair for a certain amount of time). This technique meets with varied success. In my book, I spend four pages discussing a “Mom’s Timeout.” How this activity works is that mom (or dad) takes the timeout instead of the child—disengaging from the conflict in order to return with a clear head. A calm demeanor is one of the key requirements to resolving conflict quickly. This strategy works all the time when used correctly. Why? Because, although a mom can’t ultimately control what her child does, she can control herself.

    

3. Perform “Daring Do Overs” – We all make mistakes and say things that we wish we could take back. Instead of feeling guilty, use a “Daring Do Over.” This activity is like the rewind button for your mistake. It’s your “take two” opportunity in which you can do it all over again—only this time, better. This strategy not only decreases conflict, but also helps all members of the family to practice behaving well so there is a much better chance that we all do it better next time.

Many of us cringe at the thought of conflict; however, it is an unavoidable part of life. Although we can’t completely conflict proof ourselves, we can learn key conflict resolution skills that work well for us so we can move through conflict easily. If we also take the time to equip our children with the skills to solve conflicts that arise we set them up with life skills that serve them for the rest of their lives. With new skills your family members will not just survive conflict: they will actually thrive as a result. Great harmony like a melody from a string quartet is created by the tension of the strings. Learn to resolve conflict and you can experience household harmony.

About the Author
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online nine week parenting course here.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question: I know my kid’s going to grow up to be a lawyer! He argues whenever he’s asked to do something. He debates his rights when he’s asked to stop doing something. He pleads his case when I tell him he can’t do something. He disputes every rule I create. How can I put an end to this?

Think about it:
It takes two to argue. Your child cannot “argue” by himself. That’s called “mumbling.”

Say it once:
Practice stating your case, then being quiet. Ignore your child’s argumentative comments, and walk away if you must. Let your child get used to your word being “final.”

Let ‘em complain a bit:
As long as it’s respectful, sometimes let your child have the last word. Often a statement, such as, “Why do I have to do it?” doesn’t require an answer, nor deserve one. Often, a child’s mutterings really mean, “I’ll do it ‘cus I have to, but I don’t like it.”

Set rules for debating:
Some children really do enjoy debating an issue. If your child is like this, set ground rules for when and how issues can be debated. For instance: no raising of voices, no name calling, quiet listening to the other person’s point of view. This behavior provides excellent practice for learning how to negotiate in life. In addition, your child must understand that some things cannot be argued, that there are some things the parents must decide. Have a standard reply for when an issue cannot be debated, such as, “This is not open for discussion.”

Offer choices:
Get in the habit of offering your child choices, instead of issuing commands. Children who are argumentative will have less opportunity to practice the skill if you offer a choice. For example, instead of saying, “Do your homework, right now,” offer a choice, such as, “What would you like to do first, your homework or the dishes?” (If the response is, “neither,” you can smile sweetly and say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Homework or dishes?”)

Question:
My child talks back to me in such a disrespectful way it leaves me speechless. How do I put a stop to this?

Think about it:
Back-talk is addictive, so must be handled as a serious offense. A child who talks rudely to a parent once or twice and gets away with it will continue the behavior, and it will progressively get worse. Most children will attempt back-talk at some point. When a parent responds calmly and with authority the behavior will stop.

Announce your expectations:
If a child has developed a habit of back-talk it will take firm action to stop the behavior. Have a meeting with your child to announce that back-talk will no longer be tolerated. Decide on a series of consequences that will occur each time back-talk occurs. Consequences may involve losing a privilege, such as telephone use, television watching, or visits with friends. They may be an additional chore, or an earlier bedtime. Then announce the sequence in which the consequences will occur. “When you talk back in a disrespectful way you will lose your telephone privileges for the day. The second offense will cause you to lose your TV show for the night. The third will . . . Each day will start with a clean slate.” After the meeting, calmly and firmly follow through.

Don’t empower it:
Whenever a child talks back, immediately stop the conversation and walk out of the room or walk away from the child. If the child follows you, calmly and firmly announce that you will not tolerate disrespect, then pointedly ignore the child. Later, when you have calmed down, decide on an appropriate consequence for the back-talk.

Use a quarter-board:
Tape your child’s allowance, in quarters, to a piece of cardboard. Tell your child that each time he talks back to you he will lose a quarter from his allowance as a “fine.” He’ll get what’s left at the end of the week. If your child uses up all the quarters, begin to add a chore, or eliminate a privilege for each offense. Start fresh with each new week. This series of events is meant to be a temporary “training” situation. When the problem seems under control, let your child know that you appreciate his efforts to control the back-talk, and that you’ll no longer be charging the fine. However, make it clear that if the behavior ever becomes a problem again, you’d be happy to head to the bank for a roll of quarters.

Teach:
If a normally respectful child makes a disrespectful comment, look him in the eye and make a serious, firm comment such as, “That is back-talk and is not allowed.” Continue the conversation as if the back-talk did not occur, expecting the child to comply with your request. Do not empower the back-talk by arguing the issue that triggered it.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

When your baby was born diaper changing was probably pretty simply and as you got the hang of it, became pretty quick. About the time your baby reaches the halfway point of the first year of his life that may all change. Your baby, who may have once just lain there, letting you do what you needed to do, might start fighting and twisting and turning now as you try to just make him more comfortable.

The diaper changing battles generally start not because your baby doesn’t want his butt cleaned or doesn’t want you to change his diaper, but because he is getting bigger and there are bigger and better things he can be doing. Your baby isn’t just lying there anymore, he can now roll, sit and possibly crawl which have all opened up a whole new world to him. He has toys and things to do that are much more exciting than a diaper change, so he figures there is no reason to take a time out!

Diaper changing battles however can become very frustrating for mom and dad. It adds a whole new factor to diapering as now you have to try to use one hand to hold your baby down, leaving you just one hand to do all the dirty work. At times you may have to use both hands to keep your baby from rolling and to lie still so that you can do what should be a 10 second job.

Since your baby is moving so much, it is very important that you stay right there with your baby and keep a hand on him at all times. Your baby could easily fall off the table at this point and it would happen faster than you could react. You may want to start changing your baby’s diapers on a pad on the floor so that you know your baby will be safe and won’t be able to get hurt.

To encourage your baby to lay still and let you change his diaper, offer him a special toy that he can play with during diaper time, or bring his favorite toy, that he is playing with already, with you when possible. Sometimes a little distraction is all you need in order to quickly and smoothly get through the diaper change.

If worse comes to worse and you just can’t get your baby to lie still, let him have a little freedom. Five minutes of sitting, crawling, walking or even running around in his birthday suit will not hurt your baby. This amount of freedom to do what he wants may help him settle down easier when you do decide to put the diaper back on. Just stay near him so if he has an accident you can quickly clean it up, or if you can tell he is about to go that you can quickly lie him on a diaper.

Remember, the diaper changing battles won’t last forever. After a while your baby will realize that all he has to do is lay still and let you do your job and he will be back up and playing with his favorite toys faster than when he fights you. Eventually your nice, easy and quiet diaper changes will come back and the battles will be fewer and farer in between.