Dear Mr. Dad: My wife just had our first child. I’m insanely happy and I want to get more involved but I’ve never been around babies before and have absolutely no idea what I’m supposed to do with him. What do you suggest?

Armin answers: Although it may be tempting to just sit around and stare at your baby, marveling at every little thing he does, you’ll need to do a lot more than that if you’re really going to get to know him. Here are some of the best ways to start:

• Hold him. Newborns love to be carried around, held in your arms, held in a pack, etc.

• Talk to him. No, he can’t understand a word you’re saying. In fact, he barely even knows you exist. But talk anyway–explain everything you’re doing as you’re doing it, tell him what’s happening in the news, etc.–it’ll help him get to know the rhythm of the language.

• Change his diapers. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it’s a great time to interact with the baby one-on-one, to rub his soft belly, tickle his knees, kiss his tiny fingers. For at least the first month or so, he needs to be changed every two hours–baby’s super-sensitive skin shouldn’t stew in human waste–so there are plenty of opportunities. And don’t worry: changing diapers is an acquired skill–in just a few days you’ll be able to do it with your eyes closed (although you probably shouldn’t—especially if you’re using pins). In the meantime, even if you don’t do it right, baby poop washes right off your hands and won’t stain your clothes. One hint, though: immediately after undoing the diaper, put something (like a towel or cloth diaper) over baby for a few seconds. The sudden rush of fresh air on the baby’s crotch can result in your getting sprayed.

• Play with him. During the first few weeks, forget about football and chess. But try to spend at least 20 minutes (probably broken into 5-minute installments) a day doing something with the baby one-on-one. Chatting, reading aloud, rocking, making faces, experimenting with the baby’s reflexes or even simply catching her gaze and looking into his eyes are great activities. Here are a couple of things to remember:

• Take your cues from the baby. If he cries or seems bored, stop what you’re doing. Too much playing can make your child fussy or irritable, so limit play sessions to five minutes or so.

• Be encouraging. Use lots of facial and verbal encouragement, smiles, and laughter. Although the baby can’t understand the words, he definitely understands the feelings. Even at only a few days old, he’ll want to please you, and lots of encouragement will help build his self-confidence.

• Be gentle-—especially with the baby’s head. Because babies’ heads are relatively large (one-quarter of their body size at birth vs. one-seventh by the time they’re adults) and their neck muscles are not yet well developed, their heads tend to be pretty floppy for the first few months. Be sure to support the head—from behind—at all times, and avoid sudden or jerky motions.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m a new father. I haven’t had much experience with infants and I want to be involved in my daughter’s care, but every time I try to pick her up, she starts to fret. How can I feel more competent?

Armin answers: Few things can make a man feel less like a man than feeling incompetent. And nothing can make a man feel more incompetent than a baby. Fortunately, it’s pretty easy to overcome these feelings.

First of all, let’s start with what NOT to do: Do not hand your daughter off to your wife. She may be able to get her to stop crying a little quicker than you do, but the truth is that whatever your wife knows about children, she learned by doing–just like anything else. And the way you’re going to get better is by doing things, too. Research shows that lack of opportunity may be one of the biggest obstacles to fathers’ feeling more comfortable with their children. In other words, the more time you spend with your child, the more competent you’ll feel.

And don’t give in if your wife offers to take over, either. Instead, try a few lines like, “I think I can handle things,” or “That’s okay–I really need the practice.” There’s nothing wrong with asking her for advice, of course–you both have insights that the other could benefit from. But have her tell you instead of doing it for you. Don’t be afraid to make a few decisions–and a few mistakes–on your own.

Another way to start building confidence is to get to know your baby. And the place to begin is with learning her language. Although her vocabulary is pretty limited right now, if you pay close attention you’ll soon be able to tell the difference between her “I’m tired,” “Feed me now,” “Change my diaper,” and “I want to play” cries. Once you’ve got that down, you’ll be better able to take care of her needs and the two of you will feel a lot better about each other.

New fathers are often quite concerned about what to do with their infants. After all, they don’t talk, they can’t catch a fly ball, and they don’t seem to do much else besides drool. But even if your baby is just a few days old, you can do plenty. Carrying her around and listening to music together are great at this age, and just talking to her is wonderful, but my favorite has always been reading. It doesn’t really matter whether you read War and Peace or the ingredient panel from your toothpaste tube–she won’t understand you yet anyway. The point here is to get her used to hearing your voice, which will make her feel comfortable and secure with you. And that’s what close relationships are built on.

Finally, don’t ever devalue the things you like doing with your child. Men and women have different ways of interacting with their children–men tend to stress the physical and high-energy, women the social and emotional. But don’t let anyone tell you that wrestling, bouncing on the bed, and all the other “guy things” you’re going to do when your daughter is a little older are somehow less important than the “girl things” your partner may do (or want you to do).

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

When a baby has colic, the family environment is stressful and many family members may become upset or on edge. This is most often seen in new parents. Some symptoms of colic may be that the baby cries loudly for three hours, the baby has bowel pains or the baby pulls their feet up under themselves and clenches their fists. New parents become alarmed and upset that their new baby may cry for hours, even though they have tried just about everything to comfort the the baby.

Causes of Colic
There is no known one cause of colic. Doctors have several theories of what causes infant colic. The most popular theory is that the child had ingested air along with either the mother’s milk or bottled milk. Drinking too fast or in gulps causes air to enter the baby’s stomach which leads to gastrointestinal pain, thus the baby becomes colic. Another theory some believe is that if the baby is breast fed and the mother is eating a lot of gas producing foods such as orange juice, vegetables, like onions and cabbage, apples, plums, spicy food and caffeinated products such as cola, chocolate and tea, the baby will receive the same result through breast milk. A third theory is that infants have an immature nervous system that is unable to cope with all the intense new stimulations of new life events. As the day progresses, the stress overcomes them and they cry for hours.

Solutions For a Colic Baby
Infant colic is very common in new born children. It is not the result of poor parenting skills. In fact, about 1/3 of all babies experience colic, so having a colic baby is not uncommon. In most cases infant colic will disappear in three months. But what can you do now? How can you reduce colic symptoms? There is no single treatment for a colic baby. Many parents have experienced success trying the following methods:

1. Hold your baby and rock it in your arms.
2. Put your baby in a swing and gently rock it back and fourth.
3. Take the baby for a car ride.
4. Carry the infant in a sling or take it for a carriage ride.
5. Try turning on a fan or vacuum, using them as white noise.
6. Try using a pacifier.
7. Give the baby a warm bath.
8. Try burping the baby.
9. Use Simethicone drops to reduce the baby’s gas pains.
10. If you are the mother, and you are breast feeding, vary your diet to see if you are eating some food which produces gas. The baby would receive this food through your breast milk.

Summary of Infant Colic
Most of the time newborn colic is nothing to worry about. Make sure you go over the possible solutions for a colic baby which are listed above. Ask neighbors and friends. They have often already been through infant colic. Consult your doctor if your baby screams constantly or if the infant colic is accompanied by vomiting, diarrhea, constipation or absence of urine. These symptoms may indicate a more serious problem. If you are new parents, congratulations!

About the Author
Visit James M. Aust at www.AllWomensClothes.com/

1. You cannot love, hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold your newborn too much. He needs your affection to feel safe in a world that’s all new to him.
2. This tiny person is totally dependent on you for everything in his life. He cannot survive without you.
3. Establish a routine. Your baby needs to be able to count on certain activities occurring around the same time each day. Feeding, naps, fun and affection should be a part of every schedule.
4. Sleepless nights may seem never-ending as your newborn awakens you with his cries. But time will fly by and your baby won’t be a baby for long. Treasure each moment of this experience.
5. Nobody can teach you how to be a parent. You will learn on the job. Trust your instincts. Nobody knows your baby better than you.
6. Being a parent will be the most challenging and most rewarding experience of your life. Cherish every day with your child.
7. A child is not a possession or a toy or someone to take for granted. A baby is a blessing.
8. Respect your child’s father or mother whether you’re still married to them or not. Your baby will remember how you treat each other. Children learn by example.
9. Being a parent is at minimum an 18 year commitment. You can’t quit halfway through.
10. Your life will never be the same. Respect the value of this little miracle and remember he will always be a part of you. Nothing in the world should compete with your commitment to love your child.

Resource Box – © Danielle Hollister (2000)

About the Author:
Danielle Hollister is the Writing Host at BellaOnline and Publisher of BellaOnline’s Writing Zine. To subscribe send mail to: bellaonlinewriting-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.

Crying It Out
CIO by some people is seen as a cruel way to sleep train a baby. Other people call is a lifesaver and swear it is the only way that either them or their baby can get rest. CIO basically entails putting your baby to bed either for naps or at night while they are awake, and letting them fall asleep on their own. In some cases this means that your baby will cry himself to sleep. For stubborn babies, even ones who are very tired, it may take an hour of crying before they finally fall asleep.

CIO though can and does work as a way to successfully sleep train your baby to go to sleep on his own. It can be very effective with babies who get in the habit of only sleeping if being held or laying in bed with mom and dad. Some babies will actually be able to sense when mom and dad get up and wake up, giving his parents no “down” time. For tips on how to make CIO work for your family read this article.

Mom and Dad
There are people who believe strongly that CIO is not the best way to sleep train a baby and feel that letting their baby learn over time to fall asleep on his own is better than forcing it upon them. They will routinely rock or nurse their baby to sleep, sometimes holding him for hours to keep him from waking up. They believe this will help a stronger bond between their baby and them.

Sometimes parents will turn to books written by different authors on getting their baby to sleep. Some of the popular ones include Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night by Elizabeth Pantley and The Baby Sleep Book: The Complete Guide to a Good Night’s Rest for the Whole Family by William Sears.

There is no right or wrong way to get your baby to sleep and help him get proper rest. There are right and wrong ways for your family though so it is very important that everyone in the family understands and agrees with the plan you have. Eventually, no matter what you decide, your baby will be able to fall asleep on his own and get a good nights rest.

Chapter One covered the wide-reaching benefits of reading to your baby. In this chapter, we present a few simple suggestions to help you and your baby begin a journey together that will enrich your lives. Besides the calming and bonding benefits, you’ll develop a conversational resonance through everyday ideas and events that children’s books inspire. In the very beginning you may feel like it’s a one-way monologue, but before you know it, you’ll be in a dialogue in which your baby responds to you by locking her eyes in rapt attention on your eyes, your mouth, and the book. She’ll wiggle her legs and arms, and breathe faster. In return, you’ll read more to her, and the read-aloud dance is underway with all its lifetime benefits of increased vocabulary and language skills.

1. Newborns Need a Quiet Reading Environment
As your baby makes the transition from a uterine environment to our noisy, well-lit, open-air world, many physiological changes are taking place. A newborn’s perceptual system does not screen out everything that her eyes see, her ears hear, or her skin feels. Be sensitive to your newborn’s needs by providing quiet time when she can listen clearly to your voice as you talk or read to her. When reading to your baby, turn off any competing noises, such as the television, stereo, or radio. In early infancy, it is especially important to prevent over stimulation or stress. During read-alouds, allow your baby to hear only you rhythmic voice without the disturbance of background noises.

2. Newborns are Comforted by the Sound of Your Voice
Initially, right after your child’s birth, you have a lot of leeway in what you may select to read to your baby. One parent told us he read aloud from the stock market pages of the newspaper. Since babies are mostly focusing on your voice at the outset, you could read anything aloud. However, since babies love your melodious voice the best choice right after birth might be any kind of rhymes, such as Mother Goose.

Some parents start right out with board books, such as Goodnight Moon, and note that their babies become so accustomed to these books that they continue to request them for the first year or longer. Gradually you will become aware of your baby’s favorites and select books that you know he would like. As babies mature, they become pickier and let you know what they like through their body language. Whatever you choose to read, become aware of the effect of the sound of your voice on your baby. Notice your baby’s excited movements when you read with enthusiasm or change the pitch of your voice.

3. Hold and Cuddle Your Baby When You Read
The most important thing to remember when reading a book to your infant is that you are providing love, attention, and intimacy while giving important language input. When babies are old enough to begin to choose books and bring them to you to read, often what they really want is to cuddle and be given loving attention.

When you first hold a newborn it can feel awkward, especially before they can hold their heads up. Imagine holding a book and the newborn at the same time. After a little practice, you’ll find the most comfortable position, whether it’s in your favorite rocker with a “boppy” (a donut-shaped lap pillow often used by nursing mothers) or lying next to your baby on the bed.

4. When Choosing a Book, Allow Your Baby to Be Your Guide
There is no prescription from pediatricians, educators, or psychologists recommending a list of books for each stage of a child’s early development. This is a good thing, as we have never encountered identical lists of books from parents we interviewed. Each child is unique and has his own preferences. One size does not fit all. Parents begin early with books they think their child will like and then reread many, many times those that get a favorable reaction. In each of Chapters Three through Eight, we provide detailed reviews of several age-appropriate books with tips for how they can be used to launch rich interactions between you and your baby. You can readily adapt these tips to whatever books you and your baby prefer.

Newborns benefit most from hearing your familiar voice reading poems or books with rhythm and rhyme when they are awake or asleep. After the first two or three months, your baby will react favorably by looking back and forth with interest between your face and the book, wiggling her legs and hands with excitement, or smiling happily. Conversely, if your baby is not enthused about a book she may look away from your face and the book, push the book aside, or fall asleep. By the time your baby is a year or more, she will select the books she wants you to read from the shelf, pile, or basket.

Your choice of books is not as important as making the choice to read to your baby on a regular basis. By making that choice, you will give your baby a powerful boost of language development, the benefits of which will last a lifetime. More importantly, your baby will associate reading with cuddly love and attention.

5. Start Reading at Any Page
You don’t have to finish a book, or even start at the beginning. You can go right to the part you know your baby likes best and have fun on one or more pages by dramatizing different parts with a variety of voice inflections and tones. Your baby may even want to switch back and forth between one book and another. Often baby books do not contain stories, but illustrated rhymes or labeled pictures. Skipping around the text is easy in these types of books. If there’s a story line, it still doesn’t matter if you pick and choose pages that interest your baby.

6. You Don’t Have to Read All of the Words in the Book
Sometimes you’ll find that your baby prefers that you merely point to the illustrations and name some objects, or that you make up your own words or story as you go along rather than reading what the words on the page say. Your baby will let you know. For example, when you select a favorite book for your baby, if you know from previous readings that your child prefers a certain page, you can turn directly to that page. You can read it in the way your baby loves to hear, perhaps dramatizing certain sentences or words by speaking them more loudly or in a squeaky voice. How will you know what your baby likes best? She may wiggle her arms and legs or gaze at the page with great interest. She might also look at the page longer than other pages.

For a wordless picture book, like Tana Hoban’s White on Black, you may dream up anything you want to say about the pictures of simple objects. Your baby will show you which pictures she’s most intrigued by. In this interaction with your baby the most important element is listening, observing and following your baby’s cues. Your baby will let you know what pages she prefers and how long to remain on a page. Usually, at this stage it’s best to remain on a page for only a few seconds.

7. Repeated Readings are Good for Baby’s Language Development
As soon as your child can speak in phrases some of the first words you’ll hear are “read it again.” Hearing language from books repeatedly helps children memorize it. Eight-month-olds can remember certain words that are read to them after two weeks of hearing repeated readings. Reading the same books over and over again may seem an interminable task, but the language benefits as well as your child’s joy will keep you going.

Even at birth babies have been shown to prefer hearing books that were read to them in utero. Researchers gave newborns a choice between hearing their mothers read a new book or hearing a book read repeatedly before birth. Using a sucking device, babies responded by increased sucking when they heard the familiar book read to them before birth. Rereading of traditional nursery rhymes starting at birth helps your baby identify and learn the sounds of his language. A good knowledge of sound discrimination forms the basis of later reading and writing skills.

8. Use “Parentese” when Reading and Talking to Your Baby
If you think reading to babies is having a quiet baby on your lap soaking up every word that you read straight from the book, think again. Reading to babies looks and feels very different from reading to older children. The principal difference in reading to babies as opposed to older children is the way you interrelate using your voice and a baby book. This way of talking to newborns is called “parentese.”

When parents are in intimate, face-to-face contact with their babies, they speak in a sing-songy, higher-pitched, slower, louder voice. When reading, you’ll use the baby book primarily as a vehicle to converse and dialogue with your baby using your parentese voice. You may use none, some, or all of the words in the book to have this kind of conversation.

Studies show that beginning at around five weeks, babies prefer parentese, rather than regular adult conversation. Parentese is the best way for babies to hear and learn language. Studies show that it takes babies twice as long as adults to process information. With parentese you speak more slowly so babies can hear the individual sounds and words in the stream of speech. This helps them distinguish the unique rhythm of the language spoken in the home.

Babies learn language best when parents speak with their parentese voices using face-to-face, personal, baby- directed talk. The more parentese babies hear before the age of two, the more words they’ll learn. A large vocabulary will lead to higher intelligence and academic achievement in school. Parentese aids in the process of learning the sounds, grammar, and structure of language necessary for effective speaking, reading, and writing.

About the Authors:
Caroline Jackson Blakemore and Barbara Weston Ramirez have a combined experience of over fifty years helping thousands of elementary school children with reading difficulties. They have given workshops on read-alouds to thousands of parents of babies, preschoolers, and school age children.