by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

You’ve all been there. Your child isn’t getting his way. He’s crying, yelling, and stomping. As a frustrated parent, you may know, that temper tantrums are a normal childhood reaction to anger and frustration. But knowing this does not make it easier when your child’s ballistic contortions are punctuated by her piercing screams. While it’s normal for your child to have tantrums, your response to them will determine if she keeps having them and having them and having them…

Here are a variety of different ideas that may help you curb your child’s tantrums.

Create a Tantrum Place:
Let your child know in advance that all tantrums will take place in one specific room, such as her bedroom, the bathroom, or the laundry room. When a tantrum starts, you can escort your child to the “tantrum room” with one brief comment, “You can come out when you’re done.” If she comes out of the room, and she’s still having the tantrum, just lead her back repeating, “You can come out when you’re done.” At first your child may spend the whole day in the tantrum room, but she’ll quickly find out that tantrums are no fun without an audience!

Help develop self-control:
If your child has tantrums and can’t seem to calm herself down, it’s best to teach her how to control herself. Do this by enveloping her in a hug and rocking her with soothing words, “It’s okay. Calm down.” When the tantrum is winding down, distract her by washing her face or giving her a drink of water. Do not give in to the child’s original request, and stay calm yourself. At a quiet time, begin to teach your child what to do when she gets angry (explain to her what words and actions are appropriate).

Take away the audience:
As long as your child’s tantrum is not dangerous to her or to property, feel free to say, “I’m leaving the room. Come and get me when you’re done.” And do just that. Busy yourself with something else, and wait patiently for your child to calm down.

Big-kid tantrums? Make an agreement with an older child who displays tantrum behavior that when she starts to lose control, you’re going to ask her to go to her room to cool off. If she doesn’t go immediately to her room when asked, she will lose a privilege (decide in advance what that might be—telephone, TV, or bike riding, for example) or she’ll be assigned an extra chore. This is, of course, in addition to the fact that she still gets to go to her room to calm down.

Use distraction:
When you see your child beginning to lose control, distract her before the tantrum can turn into a full-blown outburst. When you see frustration mounting quickly direct your child to a different activity. Often this is enough to keep a child from having a tantrum.

Preventative measures:
Avoid tantrums by offering your child choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first—put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” In addition, you may be able to elude tantrums by avoiding the situations that most likely set your child off, such as allowing her to become overtired, over-hungry or over-stimulated. For example, running a string of errands which occur during your toddler’s normal nap-time is sure to end with an over-tired child who displays little patience for one more stop before heading home to bed.

Take note:
If your child has frequent intense tantrums it would be wise to talk with your pediatrician, a counselor or a family therapist.

What about public tantrums? Handling tantrums at home is one thing. But what about in public? What if your child yells, stomps, screams, and throws his body onto the floor when he doesn’t get his way. This is frustrating and embarrassing when you’re in a place like the grocery store, toy store, restaurant, or anywhere there’s an interested audience. You may feel like your hands are tied when everyone’s watching you, but this is the key to future problems.

Think about it. The first time your child acted this way in public, you were probably caught off guard. In your embarrassment, you did everything you could to stop the tantrum. If you had looked closely, you would have seen a little twinkle appear in your child’s eye as he realized he discovered a new way to get what he wants. Instead of finding yourself in this situation over and over again, try the following tips for curbing public tantrums.

Prepare in advance:
Use a preventive approach by reviewing desired behavior prior to entering a public building. “Eric, we’re going into the toy store now. We are going to buy a birthday gift for Troy. We are not buying anything for ourselves today. If you see something you like, let me know, and I’ll put it on your wish list. I want you to remember to walk beside me and keep your hands to yourself.”

Be reasonable:
While you may be concentrating on your tasks, your child has been shoved in and out of his car seat and ushered from place to place enduring endless hours looking at grown up knees. You may be able to prevent tantrums by bringing along a toy or snack to keep your child occupied. Also, get him involved by having him select groceries, find the shoe store, read the menu to you, or any other “busy work”. The positive attention and focused activity will keep him too busy to worry about having a tantrum.

Get out of dodge:
When a tantrum starts, put your face next to your child’s ear and announce, “Stop now or we go out to the car.” If he doesn’t stop, pick him up or lead him to the car. Sit him in the back seat while you stand outside the door (or, in foul weather, sit in the front seat and pointedly ignore him). An alternative to the car is to find a secluded bench or quiet corner. If he doesn’t stop quickly, and you can change your schedule, go home. Send him to his room for a specified time (about 3 minutes for every year of age, for example, 15 minutes for a five-year-old.) The extra time it takes to do this once or twice will establish great credibility and can save you from many painful hours at the mall with an obstinate teenager.

Get HIS attention:
Get eye level with your child and say, “Follow me.” Break eye contact and begin to walk away. Walk slowly where he can see you. Many children will follow. If yours doesn’t, stop a short distance away and wait, pretending interest in something else, while you wait. After a few minutes pass, and your child has calmed down, you can approach your child, hold him by the hand, and say, “Let’s go now”.

Use a poker face. Deal with it later:
Stand above your child with arms crossed and a stern face. Say nothing. When the tantrum is over, complete your errands. When you return home, announce that since your child had a tantrum while you were out, he will suffer a consequence now (no dessert after dinner, staying inside, missing his TV show, or going to bed early). Do this once, then use it as your “ace in the hole.” At the next public tantrum say, “Stop now or you will stay inside when we get home, like you did last week.” You child will remember and know you mean business.

Set up a training session:
If public tantrums are a regular occurrence, plan a training session. Go to the grocery store. Buy a few staples and put a nice assortment of your child’s favorite goodies in the cart (potato chips, ice cream, and cookies). Walk around long enough for your child to have the expected tantrum. Walk the cart over to the register and announce to the cashier that you’ll have to leave the groceries and go home because your child is misbehaving. (Smile at the cashier and she’ll probably smile back, happy to see at least one customer controlling her child!) Then go home. Your child will most likely comment on the loss of the goodies. Just say, “Oh well, some other time.” Expect great, loud unhappiness, but long-term value!

If all else fails:
After an unpleasant experience, plan an outing and leave your child at home with a baby sitter. Explain that the tantrum she had the day before is the reason why she is staying home. Expect crying, screaming, and pleading, but be firm. Doing this once has an impact that lasts a long time.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question:
My son fusses, whines, and complains every morning when I get ready to leave for work. I have to work, and I want to work, but my son’s attitude makes me feel terrible. Also, this is a lousy way to start the day.

Think about it:
Children easily pick up on a parent’s ambivalence about going to work. If you have mixed feelings about leaving your child and going off to work, it’s very possible your child is picking up on those feelings. If you’re leaving your child with a competent caregiver, it’s perfectly okay for you to go to work. As a matter of fact, some people are better parents because of the break that going to work provides them. Reconcile your own feelings so that you can start leaving for the day with a confident, cheerful attitude.

Convey a positive attitude:
Don’t get upset and apologize for leaving your child. Try to convey to your child a calm confidence about the situation. Leave for the day with a wave and a smile on your face. Let your parting comments be positive, “You can show me what you paint with your new paint set when I get home. I’ll be looking forward to it. Have a great day!”

Don’t prolong your leaving:
Keep your good-bye brief. Have a routine for leaving. Use the same sequence each time you leave. For young children, this routine might include pretending to give your child a “little tiny Mommy” to put in his pocket, and taking an imaginary mini-version of your child to put in your pocket. Some kids enjoy being your “helper” and buttoning your coat, carrying your briefcase to the door, or unlocking your car. They can then send you on your way, which puts them in more of a position of control over the situation.

Take away the mystery:
Let your child visit your place of work so he can see where you will be during the day. Allow him to sit in your seat, use your phone or computer, and meet the people you spend your time with. Then, let him check in with you, if possible, at a specific time of the day. You can then explain where you are, and what you’re doing, and he’ll have a mental picture of your workplace. Many children feel better about letting you leave after this experience.

Let him know you understand:
Acknowledge his feelings, and help him understand them. But equally important, reassure him and help him deal with the feelings and learn to get by them. “I know you miss Mommy when I go to work. I miss you too. That’s become we love each other and like to be together. I do need to go to work every day. I like my work. You have lots of things to do when I’m gone. You can tell me all about your day when I get home.”

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

While they are cute and cuddly, they are much more expensive than a new puppy. Your new baby is going to cost you a lot of money with very little monetary return, even though the return of love will be huge. Have you thought about all the costs you are going to have when it comes to your baby, outside of the nursery, diapers and clothing?

1. Health insurance
You should definitely get your health insurance in place before you get pregnancy so that you can make the most of your coverage. You will also want to make sure your coverage includes your prenatal, delivery, postnatal and new and well baby care. Know all the details of your plan. Research the deductible or co-payment that you will have to make at each visit and make sure you have your obstetrician or midwife listed as your primary caregiver, and interview pediatricians so that you’ll know who to list as your baby’s caregiver.

If you plan on delivering at home by a midwife, you will save the hospital costs, but you may have to rent some additional equipment in case an emergency arises. A home birth is normally not covered by insurance plans either.

Don’t forget to add your baby to your insurance policy after he born, or go to your state health department to see if you qualify for health insurance for your child. This plan will help you pay for all of the baby’s delivery and post-natal expenses as well as the numerous well-checks and immunizations required in the first year.

2. Get a will – or update your old one
If you already have a will update it to include your child and the name a guardian for your child and a trustee for her inheritance if something were to happen to you. If you don’t do this the court will name one for you and then divide up your assets according to state law. If you do not have a will create one as soon as you can in order to protect your baby’s rights.

3. Family leave
When you have a baby you will need to take time off from your job. If you are covered under the Family and Medical Leave Act you will receive up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave with continued health coverage. Also, the Federal Pregnancy Discrimination Act “prohibits an employer with at least 15 employees from reassigning you, forcing you to take leave, or refusing to hire you back because you are pregnant.”

For more information on this Act contact the US Department of Labor or the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, 800-669-4000. You can also contact your state’s labor department for information specific to your area.

4. Child care
Are you or your husband going to be able to stay home with your baby everyday? While this is ideal, it is sometimes not a possibility. The cost of child care is very high, around $150 per week, plus more including taxes if you have a sitter or nanny come to your home.

Look into job-sharing, reducing work hours or working from home for part of the week. Many times you will find that with the cost of child care, it makes more sense to just stay home with your baby, than to spend all your money letting someone else raise them during the day.

5. Taxes
Although your expenses will increase with the arrival of a new baby, your tax burden will decrease. Currently families get $1000 a year in a tax credit per child which helps their total tax amount in the long run. There are different exemptions and special circumstances that can get you more as well.