It’s easy for parents today to get swept up in their children’s lives. From the minute we take them home, put on their first diapers, and give them their first bottles, we begin trying our best to fulfill all of our children’s needs and demands. Get some tips for reconnecting and romance from Kathryn Sansone, who’s mom to 10 kids as well as the author of Woman First, Family Always: Real-Life Wisdom from a Mother of Ten.

While I am a firm believer in being a thoughtful, committed parent, I also know that if couples don’t put their relationship first (most of the time), then no amount of devotion to their kids will keep their relationship alive.

That said, I also realize that it’s not easy to keep a healthy balance between thinking of ourselves as both partners and as parents. How do we achieve the right balance that makes us feel that we are doing a good job as parents without losing sight of the reason you became a family in the first place?

Carve out time
Despite so many kids, so many demands, and so much enjoyment we get from our kids, Jim and I always carve out time for just the two of us. It’s not always easy, but we don’t waste time trying to figure out if we deserve it.

One night last summer we did just that. It was a Friday and I had been with the kids all week. I was exhausted and had spent all my energy reserves. As usual the kids had a swim meet and Jim and I had planned to meet there to watch them race. When he arrived from the office, we took one look at each other and knew we needed to create time for just the two of us. At the end of the swim meet, we took the kids to McDonald’s (not something we regularly do) and then home. Once they were showered, in their pajamas, and set for bed, we headed out the door, leaving the older kids to babysit.

We didn’t deliberate over whether the kids were okay — we knew they were safe and sound. And we also knew it was just as important for us to have time alone. We had a lovely — albeit short — dinner out and enjoyed every minute of it.

The best gift you can give your children is a loving relationship with your spouse. When children know — and witness — their parents putting aside time for each other, kids understand that their parents are committed to each other. They also know that their parents love each other. In turn this love between their parents makes kids feel safe, enabling them to grow unhindered, following their own unique destinies.

On the other hand when children are always put first or experience rancor between their parents, constant fighting, verbal violence, or a lack of trust, then children question the very root of their foundation. Such a lack of safety breeds internal chaos and insecurity — two obstacles to healthy self-esteem and confidence. Show your love
For both your children’s sake and your own, it’s important to put energy into your primary relationship. Show your love toward him in front of your kids. Take time to be alone with your spouse. Your kids couldn’t have a better gift than to know their parents love and respect each other and like to spend time with each other.

Taking time to reconnect
Even if you feel wiped out at the end of the day, you will feel reenergized simply by reconnecting with your spouse. Granted you may not have the energy to greet him with a beautiful smile on your face each night, but if you do it often enough, he will know that you care about him in that way.

Consider these ways to reconnect with your spouse:

Love, love, love. It makes the world go round. It makes a family. So why does it seem the moment you have a baby, love, or at least your love life as you know it, goes right up in a cloud of baby powder? Let’s face it, you’re tired, you’re overwhelmed, and there’s a good chance you’re wearing baby spit-up on the shoulder of your blouse.

Obstetrician and gynecologist, Laura Filojek McKain explains another reason why many new moms have lost that loving feeling. “New babies are demanding. They require round-the-clock attention and a great deal of physical contact. This can be both physically and emotionally draining. When you finally have a moment to yourself, you may need a break from intense physical attachment…” 

New moms have the added challenge of contending with very powerful physical changes and hormonal shifts as their bodies’ transition back to a non-pregnant state.

Shifting Sand
Having a baby changes everything, including your relationship with your partner. While ideally the ultimate in bonding, having a baby is also a major life altering experience and can cause strain in even the best of relationships. In the early, often overwhelming days of new parenthood, it’s easy to get so wrapped up in your fascinating newborn that other parts of your life are neglected. When it’s hard enough trying to work a shower into your daily routine, it seems nearly impossible to worry about anything of less urgency than a hungry baby.

The good news is the hormonal shifts, physical fatigue, and blinding obsession with your newborn (well, at least the hormonal shifts and physical fatigue) are temporary. But in the meanwhile, how do you retain a close connection with your partner? And why is it so important?

Making Marriage a Priority
Statistics show that better than half of all new parents experience a decline in marital satisfaction following the birth of a child, with nearly 1/3 of all divorces occurring within the first five years of a child’s life. Similar decline is reported following the birth of each subsequent child. Does that mean having children will be detrimental to your marriage? No. It does mean, however, many new parents develop unhealthy ways of relating, or not relating, after children come along.

The downside of blinding obsession with your children is the tendency to neglect other facets of your life, which might include your partner. Without communication and team work, mom may feel overwhelmed and unappreciated, while dad is left feeling the odd man out unnecessary except to give a break to mom’s tired arms. Neither of these are a prescription for closeness. The lack of relating that starts as a simple survival instinct can easily become habit as babies become toddlers and preschoolers making new demands on your time. In the absence of regular, conscious maintenance, parents may drift apart without even realizing what’s happened until they see the gulf between them.

Survey Says
University of Washington doctoral student Alyson Shapiro, and renowned marital researcher, John Gottman, PhD., found three core concepts that successfully help couples make the transition from partners to parents in their study, “The baby and the marriage: identifying factors that buffer against decline in marital satisfaction after the first baby arrives” in the Journal of Family Psychology (Vol. 14, No. 1):

• Building fondness and affection for your partner.
• Being aware of what is going on in your spouse’s life and being responsive to it.
• Approaching problems as something you and your partner have control of and something you can solve together as a couple.
• Take Time to Date and Relate

Combat new parent stress by using the postpartum period to foster intimacy with your partner. Think a baby-sitter is a luxury? Think again. A happy marriage equals happy parents. By nurturing your connection with each other, you directly impact the future happiness and emotional well-being of your child.

Schedule a date with your partner to help rekindle those feelings that made you a couple before it made you mom and dad. Not ready to leave baby yet? You don’t have to. Hire a sitter to entertain your wee one, and stay home and spend an uninterrupted evening together with your partner. The object isn’t to get away from baby; it’s to spend quality time together as a couple.

Remember the things you liked to do together before you became parents. Laugh together. Have a conversation about something other than the color of the contents of your baby’s last dirty diaper.

Most importantly, throw out any preconceived notions you might have about life with your new baby. The realities of every day parenting often fall short of the blissful images cultivated by the media and our own minds. Both parenting and partnering are hard work. Unrealistic expectations of a utopian Gerber baby existence will prevent you from seeing the true joy of new parenthood, which, like childbirth itself, it as messy as it is beautiful.

About The Author
Barbara Eastom Bates is the author of the upcoming release, “Basic Training for Brides-to-Be,” and editor-in-chief of Operation Military Spouse, www.operationmilitaryspouse.com. opmilspouse@yahoo.com