Giving birth to twins (and sometimes to triplets) is a dream of many women, regardless of the fact, plural pregnancies are more difficult and requires a special vigilance. But all troubles are overcome due to some certain aureole of heroism and a wish to take all the pain at one go. It’s interesting, that for the last 20 years, statistics of giving birth to twins, triplets and more increased significantly. Deliveries of 0.5 – 2% of women finish with birth of twins, triplets, more seldom four and five babies.

Do you have a chance? This depends on several factors:

1. Age of a mother.
   This is one of the reasons of increasing amount of twins’ birth – a worldwide tendency to late deliveries. The probability of birth of two and more babies increases if a mother is older than 35 years. (By the way, this chance increases even more after 50 years). Unfortunately, You are half as likely to deliver multiples at 25 as you are at 35+.
2. Inheritance.
   If some of your or your husband’s relatives has twins, then your probability of giving birth to several babies at once is extremely high (especially, if you inherited this trait from your mother). And regardless of common opinion, this does not necessarily take place in one generation – you can inherit a gene which is responsible for formation of several ovules, suitable for insemination, in your organism.
3. Genesial technologies.
   Often women who were prescribed hormonal medicines during sterility treatment or while preparation to artificial extracorporal fertilization have plural pregnancies. Hormonal medicines stimulate ovulation in the midst of a cycle and if a woman receives overdose of a medicine then several ovules come out of ovary follicle at once, not just one. As a rule, doctors “remove” excess ovules. But sometimes women refuse due to religious or other motives. In USA and Israel there were cases when women gave birth to 6 or 7 babies at once.

Signs of plural pregnancy
It can be very easy to determine the quantity of babies you will birth – you can do it with the help of echography on 5-6th week of pregnancy, but there’re such situations when you cannot pass through echography. So, it will be good for you to learn some signs of pregnancy with twins. Moreover, doctors cannot always can give you an exact answer about your pregnancy during the first 10-12 days.

Psychological factor. You should not ignore your intuition. Many women can be sure that they are pregnant with twins since the moment of conceptiony. Often mothers of twins admit that they knew about their forth-coming birth on the earliest terms of pregnancy. If you feel you’re expecting twins tell your doctor about it for sure.

High biochemical indexes. Women pregnant with twins have increased indexes of some biochemical tests. For example, content of alpha fetoprotein or a high content of a hormone HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin), which supports pregnancy. While placenta is developing its presence can be determined in blood or urine even before the delay in menstruation, and lots of pregnancy tests are based on its indexes.

Intensive morning sickness and/or vomiting. More heightened in comparison with usual pregnancy, content of hormone HCG (pregnancy hormone) can increase morning sickness. Sickness, sometimes accompanied by vomiting, can already appear a week after conception, i.e. even before your usual menstrual cycle begins. Sickness appear more often in the morning but it’s also possible in any other time of a day.

Intensification of other pregnancy signs. Many (but not all) women expecting twins suffer from other intensified sings of pregnancy – due to a significant increase of hormones in comparison with usual pregnancy. For example, they feel heightened breast sensibility, more frequent impulses of urination, extreme tiredness and hunger. In the second term a woman may suffer from strong breathlessness, hands and legs spasms, sudden increase in weight and belly sizes, and an intensive stir of fetus. Hemoglobin decrease or anemia – are also usual events for plural pregnancy. And in general this is not surprising. During such pregnancies a load on a future mother’s organism increases several times, depending on the quantity of babies she’s bearing. Unfortunately, this means that complications are more often met during pregnancy.

Quick weight increase since the first days of pregnancy. By the way, this is one of the first sings of two babies’ present in a woman’s uterus. Double nutrition can play an important role during the first term of pregnancy. And a quick weight increase is necessary.

High physiological indexes. Doctors can usually tell during the first examination that your uterus size is little big for your assumed term of pregnancy. This tendency will remain for the whole term of pregnancy. Other physiological indexes will be bigger too: circularity of belly through navel, height of uterine fundus standing and others.

Heartbeat of two hearts can be heard. When a doctor begins listening to a baby’s heartbeat he will hear the beating of two hearts, instead of one. Two separate heartbeats can be heard on the 13th week of pregnancy.  By the 28th week a doctor will be able to determine 3-4 large parts of body (head and bum) and many small ones by touch.

About the Author
Yana Mikheeva is the creator of the Baby-Health.Net at http://www.baby-health.net Are you going to get pregnant? Visit our friendly resource and read information on pregnancy and parenting, painless childbirth, growth and development of a baby, baby health, safety, signs of pregnancy. She also has a blog for women at http://www.womanspassions.com/blog/.

When you find out you are pregnant and tell your children that they are going to have a new brother or sister, the reactions can be mixed. Based on your child’s age and activities, they might either be very excited or upset by this new addition. Some kids can’t wait till their baby brother or sister arrives, while others worry about what it will mean to them. Will they lose a part of you? Will you have less time and attention to give to them? Will you let them help with the baby?

If you work outside of the house, when you get home at the end of the day, especially during the first trimester, you probably find that you are exhausted and just want to lay down. Your children though, no matter what the age, will want to spend time with you, or need help with homework, and you won’t be able to relax and prop up your feet. After all, a mother’s job is never done.

If you are a stay-at-home-mom with little kids who are home with you all day, then life will get really hectic. During the first trimester when you are really tired and just want to sleep, you can’t necessarily lay down on demand, rather you have to prepare meals, run errands, play with the kids, and listen to their unending questions. “Mommy, is the baby coming today? Mommy, how much longer? Mommy, is the baby kicking? Mommy, can I feel?”

During the second trimester you might be feeling better, more energetic, and more up to having fun with your children. Then comes the third trimester and the innocent childlike comments that you may hear, that make you want to laugh and cry at the same time. My favorite was, “Mom, you used to be skinny and now you are fat. I like you better skinny but sometimes being fat is ok because it means you have a baby in your belly.” Uh, thanks dear…I love you too!

Involving your children in the doctor’s appointments can help make the trips with little ones easier to handle. Ask your doctor or midwife if your child can help find the heartbeat or help measure your belly. Look into sibling classes at your hospital, that you can take your children too. They will get a chance to see other baby’s, and see where you will be when you have the new addition. Take them to your ultrasounds so that they can see their new brother or sister moving around inside your belly.

If you are a stay-at-home-mom to school age children you should consider yourself lucky! You get 7-8 hours during the day to yourself. You get to relax, run errands without tag-a-longs which makes everything more exhausting, and take a nap when you feel you need it. Older kids tend to understand a little more about mommy being tired, and will at least attempt to help you out around the house…if you are lucky.

Being pregnant with children already is a totally new experience that is rewarding and stressful at the same time. No matter what trimester you are in or what stage of pregnancy, being pregnant after having a child will be totally different than the first time you were pregnant.

Moms, did you ever question your value as a role model, caretaker, administer of hugs and Band-Aids? I think we all have in today’s climate of “do more, get more, have more.”

Many of us work to bring home a paycheck and others work for our sanity. Have you ever wondered if your children were better off with the baby sitter than you?

Scientific studies are beginning to point to the overwhelming value of a mother’s love, hugs and support. Nannies, baby-sitters and relatives are terrific. They just aren’t as terrific as Mom.

I have had the best of both worlds, I suspect. I worked a high-powered executive job until my older daughter was two and a half. At a crossroads in my career, I opted to “get pregnant and stay home for a year.” Little did I realize I was about to take a ten-year hiatus from my much-loved life.

I didn’t get pregnant right away, but, after having spent a year basking in the glow of being Mom, I couldn’t bear giving up the care and nurturing of my daughter to another nanny, no matter how wonderful. I think it was the best career move of my life.

Ten years later, I am back in the work force and thriving. Yes, I felt bored much of the time. Yes, our family sacrificed the bigger house, fancier cars and vacations some of our peers were enjoying. But it was a conscious decision to sacrifice for the benefit of our children. We wanted our morals, our ethics and our life lessons to influence our them.

I think moms can work at home, be homemakers or work outside of the home and still be great moms. The most important part of mothering is being there for our children. Maybe your sacrifice is going to work but spending your precious little free time reading your child a bedtime story every night, taking him to the park on Saturdays or chaperoning your daughter’s school dance. What matters is our input, the confidence in our roles as mothers, knowing we are the best person for the role and to understand how valuable we are to society.

Pat yourselves on the backs, moms … you’ve accomplished a miracle! There is no greater sacrifice on earth, in my opinion, than making the decision to be a parent. Know how important you are. Know that your children need you to be as solid an individual as you can be. Therein lies your strength as a mother, whether you spend the day at home or in an office. We are all exceptional women in our motherhood.

Copyright – 2000-2004 – Rexanne Mancini

About The Author
Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, Rexanne.com – www.rexanne.com – Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html. rexanne@rexanne.com

1. Give your child a spray bottle of water and watch them spray every possible thing outside of the house!
2. Use shaving cream in the bathtub for extra fun. It is usually possible to find cans of shaving cream that cost only a dollar each.
3. Remember that Barney dolls, Sesame Street dolls, and the like are as real to your child as any other person that they have met. Respect their relationship with their ‘cloth’ friends.
4. Buy a small pet, such as a frog, lizard, goldfish, bunny, hamster, etc. Toddlers need something to love. A pet will add much more stimulation to your child’s life than any other toy will.
5. Replace your child’s stroller with the wagon for outings to the park, the mall, etc. Wagons can make both toddlers and their parents very happy. Wagons are symbolic of you and your child making it through the baby stage and entering the world of “big kids.”
6. Teach your toddler to march to the beat of “one-two-three-four!” while the two (or more) of you play your instruments. Your child will never want this marching band game to end!
7. Make a sandbox out of a large plastic container for your child to play in. If you put the container outside, covering it will keep the cats from mis-using your new toy.
8. Build towers together with blocks. Your child will learn about spatial relationships, balance, etc.
9. When using Play-Doh with your child, show them how to make little snowmen, snakes, etc,. since it is difficult for their little fingers to mold clay at this developmental stage.
10. Set up finger painting in an empty bathtub with your child wearing only a diaper. This can make finger painting a much less stressful activity for a parent.

About The Author
This piece was written by Dr. Clare Albright, Psychologist and Parenting Coach, and author of “100 Tips for Parents of Two Year Olds”, which can be downloaded for only $5.77 from www.ParentsOfTwoYearOlds.com

1. Be present – Often when we spend time with our children we are thinking about the things that we should be doing or we multi task and we are not really present with them. Then, when we are not with them, we feel guilty. Make the decision that when you spend time with your child to just be there for them, enjoy them, listen to them, and focus on them 100%. Spending this type of quality time with your child will lessen the guilt and help you focus on other activities with the same 100% attention. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to focus on and enjoy the moment.
2. Take care of yourself – This is a big one for most women since we get so busy caring for others we tend to forget about ourselves. Define what taking care of yourself means to you and develop a schedule to do it. Keep tweaking your schedule until you are actually fitting taking care of yourself into the day. Taking care of yourself helps to replenish your spirit, it helps you to relax, and it helps you to feel good about yourself. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to develop healthy habits that will last a lifetime.
3. Connect with you partner – It is so easy to get wrapped up in the kids and in everyday life that you forget about your relationship with your partner. Connect with your partner as often as you can, make a point to sit down over coffee on a Sunday morning and just talk about anything and everything, but the kids. It can be silly or profound, just make sure you connect with each other as a couple. Added Bonus: Teaches your child how to maintain a healthy relationship.
4. Get involved – Get involved in some activity that is only for you. It can be work, volunteering, a class, or a book club. Just get involved in some regular activity where you are not a wife or a mommy, you are just you. Added Bonus: Encourages your child to participate in outside activities.
5. Have meaningful conversations – Sometimes when you have children your day gets so caught up with “kid stuff” that you can’t remember the last time you had a meaningful adult conversation. Have you ever felt frustrated, aggravated and on edge and then gone out to a long dinner with a friend and felt like a new woman at the end of the night? That is why it is important to have meaningful conversations. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to get their needs met by more than one person.
6. Read – Who has time to read? We all do. It doesn’t have to be a long time, and reading is a great way to be intellectually stimulated. It exposes us to different subjects and new ideas, even when it is a light and fluffy read. Staying intellectually stimulated is important because it keeps us in touch with what we find exciting and gets those brain cells snapping. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to seek out and appreciate knowledge.
7. Take time for just you – Make sure you get some get some quality time for just you. It can be anything you want from spending time with a friend, to getting a manicure, or just being by yourself. Just do something that is only for you, it will fill you up and refresh you. You will feel like a new woman after you are done. Added Bonus: Encourages your child to be independent.
8. Remember that you have needs too – We have needs, and it is our responsibility to get them met. If you’re feeling frustrated, or unappreciated, instead of walking around feeling angry and misunderstood, figure out a way to get those needs met. Talk about them, ask for support, and be specific. And remember most people can’t read minds so you have to communicate with them to get those needs met. Added Bonus: Teaches your child how to effectively meet their own needs.
9. Give yourself permission – Why do we feel like bad mothers for wanting to do something for ourselves? Every woman who I have ever talked to that wants to express an unhappiness about being a mother feels the need to qualify it by saying “Well, of course I love my child more than anything in the world but…”. Of course you do, but it doesn’t mean that you can’t be unhappy about the way something is going or how you feel. This is how you feel right now, there is nothing wrong with that, you’re a normal mother. Give yourself permission to feel the way you do and do something for yourself to feel better. Even if that means stepping back from your child for a couple of hours. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to recognize and healthily deal with their emotions.
10. Be a role model – When you ask most parents what they want most for their children they say that they want them to be happy and successful contributing adults. The very best way to ensure that comes true for your child is to be a role model. If you want your child to be confident, get their needs met, be sure of who they are, and happy with their life, just remember that they learn that from you. Added Bonus: Teaches your child to act with integrity.

Being a mother in today’s modern world is tricky business. We are bombarded all day long with messages of what makes a “good mother”. Just forget all that, and be true to you. Being joyful, present, and authentically you is the very best gift you can give to yourself and your child.

About The Author
Jen Ottolino is a Personal Coach who works with individuals to eliminate blocks to success. She partners with people to actively attract the life they know they deserve, but haven’t quite managed to achieve. You can visit her website at coachjen.com and discover articles, tips, and strategies designed to enhance your life purpose. She also publishes the bite sized weekly newsletter Little gems to subscribe send an email littlegems@coachjen.com.

by Jennifer Ottolino

Dear Mr. Dad. I’m taking a childbirth class with my wife but it really seems geared toward the perfect birth. I know they can’t cover every single unexpected thing that could happen, but how can we prepare for contingencies?

Armin answers: As important as childbirth education classes are, there are a few things they won’t teach you but that you really should know.

First, it’s okay to ask questions—as many as you need to. No matter how much reading you’ve done or how wonderful your class was, something unexpected is bound to happen during labor or delivery—it almost always does. In those cases, don’t let the hospital staff steamroller you. Have them explain everything they’re doing, every step of the way. If you miss something the first time, have them explain it again.

Second, it’s okay to stand up for what you want. Most people are wowed by academic credentials and degrees and have a tendency to step back and let the doctors and nurses take control of the whole process, particularly when something a little out of the ordinary happens. Unless it’s a true medical emergency, keep in mind who’s baby is about to be born and insist on having things done your way, to the extent possible.

Third, don’t give in too quickly. Like most busy people, doctors and nurses are sometimes too quick to say “No” to requests–not because it’s the right answer, but because it’s easy. But here’s the deal: If you want the lights dimmed for the delivery and the staff refuses, do it yourself (assuming, of course, that there’s no medical reason not to). If you want to videotape the birth and the doctor won’t let you, ask for an explanation. If you don’t get a good one, do what you feel you should do.

Keep in mind that there’s a big difference between being assertive and standing up for yourself (and for your wife) and being overbearing, obnoxious, and antagonistic. So be nice.

And finally, it’s okay to ask for help. Most childbirth prep classes focus on how you can help your wife—breathing with her, rubbing her back and her legs, telling her stories, feeding her ice chips, and all sorts of other things. But you’ll rarely, if ever, hear that it’s exhausting and sometimes even scary and that you—yes, you—could use some relief and comfort too. One excellent solution to this problem is to get yourself a doula.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear Mr. Dad: We have a three-month old baby. My wife really doesn’t want to go back to work so soon, but the sad fact is that we can’t get along without her salary. She’s really unhappy about having to leave the baby. Is there anything I can do to help her feel better?

Armin answers:
Unfortunately, with more and more families relying on two incomes, there’s a lot of pressure on new moms to go back to work. That explains why a third of new moms are on the job again only six weeks after giving birth, and two thirds are working after 12 weeks.

While some of these women are glad to be back at work, a large percentage—including your wife—are anything but glad. In fact, a lot of them are just plain miserable, worried that they’ve failed as mothers, and wishing they’d win the lottery so they could quite their job. This can be a very tough time for your wife and she’s going to need your help and support to get through it. Here’s what you can do:

• Be flexible. When it comes to coming up with an acceptable work-family balance, your wife may not be operating completely rationally. Let me give you an example of what I mean. Before my youngest was born, my wife and I discussed having her to stay home full time for five months, work part time for four months, and then transition to full time. All that changed when the baby was born. All of a sudden she didn’t want to go back to work at all. But in the interests of being able to make our mortgage payment (as you know, Bay Area real estate is outrageously expensive), she decided to do a full year part time before going to full time. Everything changed again after her first week back at the office. Now she decided that she wanted to stay part time until the baby entered preschool. Obviously, you and your wife have to keep talking about this stuff. And you have to find reasonable (and fiscally responsible) ways of making sure that everyone’s needs are met, or that they’re at least taken into consideration. That means listening to each other carefully and respectfully and acknowledging the pressures that each of you face.

• Get your childcare situation in order. Fear that the baby won’t be adequately cared for is what many new mothers find most unsettling about going back to work.

• Take the pressure off her. In most families, regardless of how enlightened and egalitarian they want to be, working mothers still do most of the work at home. Because so much of women’s identity is tied up in motherhood, your wife may try to do more than she can really handle—just to show herself and anyone else she thinks might be paying attention. Don’t let her. Instead, anticipate what has to be done and take care of it in advance. Simple things like making sure the table is set and dinner is ready when she comes home are great and will do wonders for her mood. If you get home later than she does, make a habit of doing something nice for her on a regular basis. Massages, a few hours alone with you, and even renting a video and snuggling up on the couch will really help. And make sure that you remind her frequently what a great mom she is even though she has to be away.

• Let her spend more time with the baby. If you and your wife are both working, you’re both going to miss your baby and you’re both going to want to spend time with him from the moment you walk in the door. Be a nice guy and let your wife have first dibs. This is especially important if she’s still nursing; her breasts may be ready to explode by the time she gets home and she may need to have the baby Hoover her out.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

About 90 percent of couple’s experiences an increase in stress after their children are born. And the number one stressor, by far, is the division of labor in the home. Unfortunately, even the most egalitarian couples tend to slip into traditional roles, which mean that you’ll probably end up doing more of the housework and childcare than your partner.

Research shows that the more equitably domestic tasks are distributed, the happier wives (and husbands) are with their marriages. So resolving these issues may be critical to the health and success of your relationship. How are you going to do it? Well, if your goal is to make the division of labor around your house fairer to you, take a deep breath and read on.

1. Look at it from his perspective
Researchers have found that women tend to measure what their husbands do around the house against what they do. Not surprisingly, on that kind of scale, most men fail miserably. Men themselves, though, compare what they do to what their fathers—and sometimes even against their male friends and coworkers—do. Using this standard, most husbands feel pretty satisfied with themselves and their contributions around the house.

2. Don’t ask for help
Just as men need to re-think their family roles as “assistants” to mothers, women need to change their ideas about what’s reasonable to expect from their partners. Asking him for “help” only reinforces the view that he shouldn’t have much responsibility for the care and management of children. Of course, that doesn’t you shouldn’t ask him to do his share, of course he should. Asking for “help” makes it seem like whatever he’s “helping” with is really your job and that you should be grateful.

3. Adjust your standards
Let’s face it, men and women often have very different standards. “When my husband says the kitchen is clean he means that the dishes are in the dishwasher,” says one mother. “The counter can still be filthy and the floor can still be covered with dirt.” Adjusting your standards to his level doesn’t mean that the kids will be wearing the same clothes every day. Also, there are a lot of different ways to change diapers, play, teach, and entertain the children. Yours isn’t always the right one. The fact is that if you adjust your standards, your husband will be more involved in the household and with the kids. No child ever suffered a long term trauma by having her diaper put on a bit looser than it should be or by going out of the house with oatmeal stuck in her hair. It’s hard to shift standards because for many women attention to domestic issues is part of their upbringing and part of they define themselves.

4. Go on strike
The days of the “second shift” where women try to do it all—work outside all day and do all the work at home, too—are over. Let your spouse or partner know that you have limits. A well-timed “your arm’s not broken, do it yourself” may occasionally be a helpful reminder that men and women are partners in parenting.

Because you may begin to notice the unswept coffee grounds before he does, one of your biggest challenges may be to close your eyes to the mess and stick to your guns. Your partner will certainly get the message when he runs out of clean underwear. But if he senses that you’ll give in before he does, he’ll never learn to do his part.

5. Be (a little) insincere
As a group, men generally dislike doing things that make them feel incompetent. At the same time, they’re suckers for compliments. So, one of the best ways to get your partner to do something he doesn’t like to do is to praise him even when you know you could do it better. Television characters from Lucy Ricardo to Roseanne Conner figured this out long ago, and the same applies in real life: sweet-talk soothes; nagging only irritates. Tell him what a great job he’s doing already and ask him to do the same thing again. Indirect compliments are effective too—let him hear you raving to a friend about how well he’s done some recent task. Sound manipulative? Maybe but it works. The more he feels that you’re noticing and appreciating his efforts, the more he’ll do. Guaranteed.

6. Don’t be a gatekeeper
Many women tend to take charge of the household and childcare domains because this is the one arena that they can still control. But far too many women are so intent on keeping control of the household that they don’t leave enough space for their partners to participate. For other women, control is not the issue, they just assume that men are either uninterested or incompetent. And men get the message: many find it easier to just back off. Your partner is part of the first generation of fathers to be seriously expected to take an active role in the home. By the time women become mothers, most have had years of subtle (or not so subtle) training. Female role models are plentiful, as are resources, from women’s magazines to breastfeeding guides. But good male role models are rare, as is information specifically designed to help men prepare for fatherhood. The moral of the story? Even if you know how to stop the baby from crying, let your partner try to figure it out for himself before jumping in. Men and women have different approaches to the same issue and fathers need the confidence that only comes with practice. Letting him develop his own parenting style will also give your family twice as many baby-care options.

Especially after divorce, mothers need to open the gates and let their children have access to their fathers. It is important to remember that they may be ex-husbands but they’ll never be ex-fathers.

7. Share and share alike
No single job in your home is any more valuable than any other, so assign everything to the most qualified person—unless, of course, that turns out to be completely unfair. So make a list of everything that needs to get done. If you’re good at something or like to do it, it’s yours. (At the same time, your partner gets to do his chores his way.)

Another option is to assign tasks to whichever of you cares the most. If a scummy bathtub bugs you more than it does him, clean it yourself. If he hates crumbs on the carpet, he gets to vacuum. Problems can arise, though, when one of you says, “Gee honey, nothing bothers me,” and the other gets stuck doing it all. These situations call for careful negotiation. You can do the more unpleasant jobs together or, if the budget permits, hire someone to do them for you. And just to make sure that everyone gets to have fun, switch responsibilities once in a while (if for no other reason than to get a better appreciation of what the other does). And be willing to bend gender stereotypes along with your partner. If you expect him to plan a meal and cook it, you should be prepared to unclog the toilet or change the oil in the car.

8. Re-define work
When dividing up responsibilities many couples have trouble defining what, exactly, the term “work” means. In many families, for example, couples err by neglecting to give parenting the same weight as ordinary chores. Yet childcare takes at least as much time, and may be just as tiring, as shopping and mopping. So even if your partner is wrestling with the baby while you’re making dinner, things might not be as unequal as they seem. True, he may be having more fun but somebody has to do it. And if he plays with the baby today, he can fix dinner tomorrow while you wrestle.

The New Man may strike you as a great idea. But the Old Man has been around for tens of thousands of years, and he’s not going to disappear overnight. Even in these relatively enlightened times much of the domestic burden is going to continue to fall on you. But not all of it, and not all the time. You may need to give your expectations a reality check. Change between you and your partner may be slow. But if you work it out, you’ll see significant improvement—in your workload, in the quality of your marriage, and in your life together as parents.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear Mr. Dad: My son was born four months ago, and things are starting to settle down. But every time I sit down to do some extra work on the computer, I feel guilty about leaving my wife to take care of him since she’s with him all day long. I try to help, but I also need to get ahead with work. What should I do?

Armin answers: The first thing you need to do is not let your guilt get out of hand. A little bit of guilt is okay, but some fathers (and mothers)–in an effort to make themselves feel better about not being able to spend enough time with their children–end up withdrawing from their kids emotionally. Leaving your wife to take care of the baby is a habit you don’t want to get into (and if you notice yourself doing this, there’s still time to stop). The earlier you and your baby start getting to know one another, the closer and better your relationship will be.

Another common trap parents sometimes fall into is trying hard to make up for lost time. You might, for example, attempt to cram as much active, physical father/baby interaction as you can into the few hours you do have together in the evenings after work. While all that activity might make you feel a little better about being away from your baby during the day, you’ll also end up overstimulating him. So before you start tickling and wrestling and playing with the baby, spend a few minutes reading or cuddling with him, quietly getting to know each other again. At four months, a day away from you is a long time for your baby. You’ll both feel a lot better if you spend a little quiet time reconnecting.

While there’s no practical way for you to make up for the time you’re spending away from your child, it’s important that you find some middle ground. Separate work time from time with your child. Make sure that whenever you’re with the baby, you’re with him 100 percent. Forget the phone, the computer, the newspapers, or the TV. You can do all those things after the baby goes to sleep, before he wakes up, or while he’s busy nursing. You also might want to explore some different scheduling options for your office: getting into work an hour or two early might give you and your baby a few relaxed hours together in the afternoons. And telecommuting to work one day a week allows you to spend your commute time reading your son a book instead of sitting in traffic.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear MrDad: Every expectant couple I know is taking a Lamaze classes. Is that really necessary?

Armin answers: One of the advantages of taking a childbirth preparation class is that it’ll give you and your wife the opportunity to ask questions about the pregnancy in a more relaxed setting than her doctor’s office. You’ll also get a chance to hang out with other expecting couples and listen to the women swap stories about how much weight they’ve gained, how much their joints hurt, how many times they get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Seriously, though, most childbirth classes operate on the belief that the more you learn about pregnancy and birth—from exercise and nutrition to the difference between an epidural and a spinal—the more in control you’ll feel and the less you’ll have to fear.

Also, be careful: People have a tendency to use the word “Lamaze” as a synonym for “childbirth preparation class.” But Lamaze is really only one of a number of very different approaches to dealing with labor and the pain associated with it. Here’s a little background on three of the most common approaches:

• The Lamaze method is based on the idea that a pregnant woman can overcome her pain—which is the way her body reacts to being in labor—by focusing on something else, usually her own breathing. One major goal is to help woman achieve drug-free labors and deliveries but Lamaze also tries to give expectant parents as much information as they can to help them make the most informed decisions possible.
• The Bradley method also emphasizes educating and preparing expectant couples. They also focus on exercise and nutrition. But instead of trying to take the woman’s attention from her pain, the Bradley folks encourage her to experience it fully: groaning, screaming, whatever she feels like. Bradley is the method that introduced the husband/coach and includes dads far more than any of the others.
• The Leboyer method puts its focus much more on the baby than on the mother-to-be. Leboyer maintains that the bright lights and high noise levels usually found in most hospital delivery rooms are quite stressful and upsetting for a newborn. For that reason, Leboyer babies are generally born in quiet, darkened rooms, often with mom fully or partially submerged in warm water.

Classes typically last five to nine weeks and usually run about $100 to $200. Most are offered either privately or through local hospitals so check with your wife’s doctor or the maternity ward for a referral. Whichever approach you and your wife pick, get going on it as soon as you can. What you’ll learn will do a lot to make the rest of the pregnancy calmer and less stressful for both of you.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Dear MrDad: Since becoming a father my wife and I haven’t been able to spend as much time with our friends as we used to. Some of them seem to understand but others don’t. Is there anything we can do to keep our friendships alive?

Armin answers: Considering how small and helpless babies are, it’s really amazing that they can have such a powerful impact on the lives of the adults around them. Simply by being born, your baby has already transformed you and your partner from a “couple” into “parents” and your parents and in-laws into, gasp, “grandparents.” Even more amazing is the impact that babies have on the pre-existing relationships between the adults in their lives. Babies can bring a couple together, for example, or they can create a lot of stress (or at least magnify it). They can reunite families and mend old wounds or they can open new ones. They can even change the nature of your friendships. Here are a few ways this might play out:

Dear Mr. Dad: I’m pregnant and my husband and I find ourselves talking to our baby a lot. Sometimes we’re sure he or she is responding to what we say. Are we imagining things?

Armin answers:
Not at all. Although the very idea may sound a bit far fetched, fetuses are extremely responsive to sounds from the outside world. In one study, newborns whose mothers had regularly watched a popular soap opera while they were pregnant stopped crying when the show’s theme song was played. Infants whose mothers hadn’t watched the show had no reaction when they heard the music.

But why would mature grown-ups want to spend time trying to communicate with a fetus when he could be doing something else (in your husband’s case, that could be out playing pool with his friends)? Simple. It’s fun. Plus, it may be able to help you establish a bond with your baby even before he’s born.

It might work the other way too, helping the baby establish a bond with you. This could be particularly important to your husband. Lots of fathers get jealous of the immediate connections their infants have with their mothers. But a good part of that connection might have more to do with the mother’s voice (which the baby has heard every day for nine months) than anything else. If he spends some time “conversing” with your baby before she’s born, she’ll recognize and be more responsive to his voice.

Some researchers believe that prenatal communication (which, by the way, doesn’t have to be limited to words), stimulates babies’ brains, triggering nerve cell development, helping them process information more efficiently. In other words, they believe it may make babies smarter. They also contend (though not everyone agrees) that prenatally stimulated babies tend to cry less at birth, have longer attention spans, sleep better, are less likely to develop learning disabilities, turn out to be more creative and musical.

There’s a lot of disagreement about the effects of prenatal stimulation or whether it even works at all (although no one says it can do any harm). So if you’re thinking about giving it a try, here are few things to consider:

• Take it easy. Remind your husband that while it’s great that he wants to communicate with the baby, but you’ve got a right to a little peace and quiet once in a while. On the other hand, keep in mind that some researchers have found that women whose babies are stimulated before birth have shorter labors and a lower rate of c-sections.
• Speak up. So speak loudly enough so that someone across the room can hear you.
• Keep it regular. Put yourself on a schedule so that the baby will get know that something’s going to happen. Ease into it by patting your belly before you start. And don’t go overboard. Half an hour twice a day is plenty. Fetuses need down time, just like regular people.
• Mix it up. Playing the same piece of music or reading the same haiku every day is great but throw in some variety too. Fetuses block out stuff that bores them.
• Don’t get your expectations too high. There’s no guarantee that anything you do will affect your baby in any way. But at the very least, have fun.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.