by Elizabeth Pantley author of The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

When your child is learning to use the potty should you give lots of applause and praise, or simple, matter-of-fact acceptance? Which is the right response for potty-training success? If you research this seemingly simple question you’ll get adamant advice on both ends of the spectrum. Some experts say you should give lots and lots of positive feedback, including a party-like atmosphere – with noisemakers, cake and party hats. Others say you should avoid getting overly excited or emotional and simply acknowledge that he’s done well.

The right answer is that the right answer is different for every parent and child pair. Some parents are naturally more enthusiastic about everything their child does whether it’s taking the first step, building a block tower or tinkling in the potty. Other parents tend to be more reserved.

Children need different things from their parents, too. Some children thrive on their parent’s energy and will do anything for a round of applause, other children are easily overwhelmed and prefer more subtle praise. Even two different children in the same family will respond better to different levels of enthusiasm.

Probably the best advice is to do what comes naturally and what seems to encourage your child to keep trying. What’s most important is that you want your child to know that you support him, and that you are proud of his efforts along the way, as well as his successes.

A reminder to be patient
This whole potty-training process takes time. You probably won’t feel confident to completely turn over your child’s toileting to him for many months. So, relax, be patient, and enjoy the journey. Children are only little for a very short time – it’s nice to enjoy and embrace every moment.

This article is an excerpt from The No-Cry Potty Training Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-Bye to Diapers

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Elizabeth Pantley author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007)

As if it isn’t challenging enough to raise children, most parents believe myths that make them feel confused and inadequate. These horrible myths can spoil the joy of raising your children. You may have never realized how intensely these beliefs affect you, but they do. After you identify the myths that color your daily life, learn the truth about each one. By acknowledging that these myths exist in your life, you take the first step towards eliminating them. Learning the truth will erase your doubts and leave you open to learning effective new ways of raising your children. Here are a few of the most common parenting myths:

MYTH: If a parent is truly attached and committed to a child, then that child will behave properly.

TRUTH: You could be totally committed to your child from the moment of birth. You could do absolutely everything right. In fact, you could be a magnificent, spectacular, utterly faultless saint, and your child would still misbehave. The truth is: ALL children misbehave. ALL children make mistakes. ALL children will have temper tantrums, whine and fuss. It’s part of the process of growing up.

REALITY CHECK: Love your child, and do the best you can. And don’t let normal misbehavior wear down your confidence. Give yourself and your child enough room to be human.

MYTH: If you love your child, and if your intentions are good, parenting will come naturally to you.

TRUTH: Loving your child is easy. Raising your child is hard. Effective parenting skills are learned. Parenting is complicated, intense, and ever-changing. In order to be a calm, effective, parent you need knowledge and skills, but almost no one is born with these skills.

REALITY CHECK: Just like driving a car, mastering a computer program, or becoming skilled at any sport or hobby – good parenting is something we need to learn. You can learn by trial-and-error – but that can be wildly frustrating. Instead, take a class, read a book, join a support group – you’ll be amazed to find that a few good tips can make your life much easier.

MYTH: You should read baby books and take a baby care class when you are a new parent, after that you’ll figure out how to raise your child on your own – through experience.

TRUTH: Taking care of a baby is our first step in the journey of parenthood. Just when we feel confident with our skills for raising babies, we turn around to find many of the things that we’ve learned do not apply to a walking, talking toddler. We adjust our approach, only to find that disrupted when our toddler turns into a preschooler, and again when he becomes a grade-schooler, and again when he enters the teen years . . . and yet again when our child graduates and moves on to college or adult life.

REALITY CHECK: We actually have a brand new parenting job each time our child passes from one milestone to another in his life. Just like any other undertaking, the more knowledge you have at each step of the way, the more confident you will feel and the easier your job will be, and the better your life-long relationship with your child.

MYTH: If parents are a perfectly matched couple, and they have a strong relationship, then they will agree about how to raise their children.

TRUTH: It’s very common for two parents, even those who are perfectly matched and in a happy relationship, to disagree about child-rearing approaches. Some may disagree about baby care issues, yet others will be perfectly in sync during the baby years and then find they are at odds when their child becomes school age or enters the teen years.

The way that we approach child-rearing is influenced by our own past experiences – both the things we choose to do, and the things we try to avoid. It is nearly impossible for two people to be in perfect agreement on every parenting decision.

REALITY CHECK: Even when we agree on basic fundamental parenting theory, we might slightly disagree on approach. Even if we agree on approach, our differing personalities guarantee that we won’t always handle things in exactly the same way. Good communication and ongoing discussion can help any couple to find agreement on important issues as they raise their children.

MYTH: Good parents don’t lose their patience and yell at their children.

TRUTH: Even the most peaceful easy-going parent loses patience and yells from time to time. No matter how much we love our children, they will try our patience, they will make mistakes, and they will make us mad. All children have their “naughty” moments. And, guess what? When children are “naughty”— parents lose their patience and <gasp> they YELL.

REALITY CHECK: It’s normal to lose your cool and yell at your children, but it isn’t fun and it isn’t productive. Take the time to learn a few new anger management skills and some parenting tools. These will help those angry moments become less intense and less frequent.

Take some time to think about these and other myths, theories, ideals and expectations that you have believed. Ponder where these beliefs originated, and why you believe them to be truth. Then contemplate what you learning about the truth of the matter. When you analyze myths and replace them with your own truth, it can help you to approach parenting in a more honest, uncluttered and enjoyable way.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

“What are you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?” My seven-year-old son looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor. He stood statue-still, as children often do after an accident. The words and tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to fight the tears, and prepared to clean things up.

When I thought about it later, I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame and anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings too painful to deal with.

The truth was difficult.

I was teaching my son to feel shame.

How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst” in us?

The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They are often at the heart of toxic relations between parents and children. When we’re unable to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include frustration, humiliation, and anger. Our own sense of being defective may accompany the sense of shame, and may be related to our history as a child.

As children, there were times when we felt misunderstood and mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.

When we become parents, we are constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings and defenses.

When we’re “in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions, and about what’s right and wrong.

And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all—the needs of our children.

Here are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:

by Skye Thomas

We call him the Buddha Napoleon. Anyone who’s ever lived with a two year old knows exactly what I’m talking about. He’s this amazing blend of cosmic beauty, love, and peace while simultaneously making it crystal clear that he’s the grand dictator of the known universe. His little size never deters him from anything he sets his mind to. I’d forgotten so much since raising my first two children. The ten and twelve year age difference allows for that. Lucky for the Buddha Napoleon, I’ve had practice and am therefore a lot more knowledgeable and patient this time around.

I believe this is probably the most important year for his social development. During the first year of a baby’s life, we’re supposed to set a solid foundation of love and trust. That first year puts in place a basic belief that the world is a wonderful place full of love and light, or it’s not. The second year, we teach them to believe in themselves. Get up and walk, learn to speak, learn to manipulate toys, learn that ever important can-do attitude. After the second birthday, it’s all about personal power and boundaries. How do we get what we want from others? How do we stay out of trouble? Why do all of these stupid rules exist anyway? Do I have a right to tell you “No” since you say it to me all of the time? What are the consequences if I give in all of the time? And if I don’t give in, then what? Am I in charge of my life or are you? I think it’s a miniature version of the same dynamics we go through with our teenagers. They’re just revisiting these same questions from a taller and more hormonal perspective. Handle the two year old stage well, and I think you’ll find the teenage years aren’t nearly so difficult.

Remember back to when you were thirteen… did your folks answer your questions with, “Because I said so” or did they actually give you real reasons for their decisions? Which had a bigger impact on your ability to honor and respect their view point? It’s no different with two year olds. Find the vocabulary that they understand and explain to them why they can’t scream at the top of their lungs just to hear the echo throughout the grocery store. It hurts my ears. It hurts everyone in the stores ears, and that’s not okay. Explain why they can’t kick and pound on you while you are buckling them into the car seat. That hurts me, and I don’t like it. Quite often they’ll quit. You’ll still have days when they’ll do it anyway, but they’ll completely understand why they’re getting busted. They’ll know that it’s because they made a choice not because you’re just being mean for the heck of it. Over and over, you have to keep telling them why. They also need to see you enforce the rules on others too. Role model for them that everyone in the house is being held by the same standards of behavior. Conduct yourself accordingly. Eventually, they’ll come to agree with the rules if they understand the reasoning behind them. “Because I said so” isn’t a reason that any self-respecting two year old will ever embrace.

Self-respect is a very important aspect that I think too many parents downplay in raising their children. How is someone supposed to come away with any kind of self-respect if they’ve been raised to never ever disagree or question authority? My favorite is when I hear people say, “Don’t say no to me, I’m your mother!” The fact that people are capable of breeding doesn’t make them right! If you want your child to respect you and to speak to you with respect, then earn it. Children are very observant. Do you practice what you preach? Do you scream and yell at them and then bust them for doing the same thing back to you? They mimic your behaviors because you represent what it is to be a grown up in society. Do you spank first and ask questions second? Then they will too. Do you want a child who grows up to be a follower or a leader? If you punish them every time they try to take the lead, then they will either avoid leadership, or they will punish anyone who gets in their way.

Give your child the right to say “No.” Tell your two year old it’s okay to say “No, I don’t want Uncle Johnny to pick me up and tickle me right now.” Then, make Uncle Johnny respect your toddler’s personal space. Later, when the child is in someone else’s space, you can remind them of how it feels as you explain why they need to back off.

The key to this is to teach your child about presentation and about listening skills. It’s okay to disagree with me, but you can’t scream and yell and kick. It’s okay to tell me no, but you also have to listen to my side of the argument too. You then have to role model what it is you want from them. You have to listen to their reasons and then they have to listen to yours. Teach them negotiation skills. Teach them how to say no so that it’s not offensive. Sure it’s a lot easier to just deny them the right to disagree, but it’ll come back on you when they’re teenagers. Almost everyone disagreed with me when I gave my older two kids permission to question authority and to openly argue their point. I just made sure they were polite and respectful while doing so. Their teachers and babysitters weren’t always thrilled, but communications were always open and honest and understandings were always reached. My older two have a solid belief in setting personal boundaries and not allowing others to take advantage. And so does the Buddha Napoleon.

Copyright 2004, Tomorrow’s Edge, Skye Thomas

About the Author
Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to life in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and parenting. After years of high heels and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her pajamas. Go to www.TomorrowsEdge.net to read more of her articles and to get a free preview of one of her books.

You want to take the best pictures you can of your baby, of your family with your baby, of family vacations, first birthday parties, concerts in the park and more. There are a lot of things you can do to help your pictures exceed even your wildest dreams.

1. Prepare in advance.
Before you shoot, frame the background first through the viewfinder. Make the entire background, including corners and sides interesting. First frame the background and then place the subject.

2. Have patience.
Talk to your subjects and let them get comfortable with you. When they start to forget the camera is there, you can take more natural candid shots.

3. Avoid using the flash.
The light looks unnatural and washes out colors and facial features. If you’re using film, try 800-speed films, which are widely available and allow you to take sharp indoor photos without a flash.

4. Avoid the outdoors during the middle of the day.
Bright daylight is unflattering and washes out your subject. Instead try capturing your subject in the rich tones and long shadows at sunrise and sunset. If you must shoot during the day, move your subject into a shaded area out of direct sunlight.

5. Get closer.
Being too far away from your subject can take away from the uniqueness of your pictures. Often the key to giving a photo pizzazz is to move in and capture the details of your subject, leaving out extraneous things in the background.

6. Take night pictures.
Nighttime offers different lights and shadows that you can incorporate into your pictures to make them look unique. At night you can use flash, a street lamp or even holiday lights if they’re bright enough.

7. Ex-nay on the pose-ay.
Don’t have your subject pose. A picture caught in motion often makes a better and more memorable shot.

8. Have comfortable surroundings.
If your subjects have to pose, have them find a comfortable, natural position. Here’s when a little leaning or slouching is permitted. Standing straight can make unflattering lines and give boringness to your picture.

9. Use props.
If you’re taking a portrait, include a telling item in the picture. A favorite toy or rocking horse for a child’s picture, or a wedding picture in the background of a couple’s 50th Anniversary picture. The props will create conversation about your picture

10. Unfocus the background.
A background can tend to take away from your picture so try taking your picture with the background blurred and only your subject in focus.

Are you a grandparent who is raising your grandchild? If you are, you aren’t a grandparent in the traditional sense. Grandparents who raise their grandchild have to take on two different roles, the roles of both parents and grandparents.

When raising a grandchild, it is important to remember that you will see your share of ups and downs. Often times, grandparents will visit their grandchildren on the weekends and have an unlimited number of picture perfect moments. When spending twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week with your grandchild, you will run into complications, no matter what their age. The good news is that there are always solutions to the problems that you may run into.

While many people will tell you otherwise, you may find it the easiest to raise newborns and infants. Yes, you may have midnight feedings and a load of dirty diapers to change, but you will find yourself having to provide constant love and support to your grandchild. What is nice about this is that showing love and support is something that grandparents do best. At the newborn and infant stages, you will want to cuddle and spend as much time with your grandchild as possible.

Although many grandparents who raise their grandchildren focus on the difficulties that they may face and solutions for those difficulties, it is also important to remember the firsts that you will get to experience with your very own eyes. When raising your grandchild, you will be able to see and celebrate their first words, first crawl, first step, first play date, and first day of school. No matter what complications you have run into in the past or will run into in the future, these memorable experiences will be make raising your grandchild more than worth it.

As previously stated, raising grandchildren has it shares of difficulties. As with traditional parents, it will be easy for you to feel overwhelmed. If and when that time comes, you may want to seek assistance. You may not know this, but it is actually a lot more common for grandparents to raise their grandchildren than many think. The good news is that this has led to the development of support groups all across the country.

As a reminder, if you are feeling overwhelmed, be sure to examine local grandparents raising grandchildren support groups in your area or call on the services of a babysitter or other family members. In the traditional family setting, even parents need a break and the same will likely ring true for you.

Are you a grandparent? If you are, you should be prepared to hear the phrase “uh-oh,” on more than one occasion. Although uh-oh’s are often accidents, you may find yourself frustrated. For ideal ways to handle the uh-oh’s, especially with infants and toddlers, you will want to continue reading on.

As previously stated, grandparents will hear an uh-oh or two on more than one occasion. One of those occasions is when something is broken. Your two first impulses may be to feel anger, as well as relief. After all, the item broken may be a prized possession of yours. With that in mind, you may also feel relief, as broken items, especially glass, pose injury risks. Depending on the age of your grandchild, you may want to have them assist you with the cleanup process, even if they simply hold the dustpan. Helping to clean up an uh-oh mess will help your grandchild understand cause, effect, and consequences.

Another one of the many instances in which you may hear an uh-oh or two is with spilt food and drinks. No matter what mess is created, it is important to remember that newborns, infants, and toddlers will have difficulty controlling their food, especially when first learning to feed themselves. You can take steps to help your grandchild eat and drink the proper way, although discipline isn’t always advised. When an uh-oh occurs, it may be best to simply clean up the mess, give your grandchild a bath, and a new change of clothes.

Although the uh-oh’s are a normal part of childhood, is it important to remember that you, as a grandparent, can take steps to reduce the number of uh-oh’s you hear. Many uh-oh instances are preventable ones. For example, be sure to remove all breakable items, including glass, from your home, and so forth. Taking steps to reduce or completely eliminate accidents in your home will not only help to calm your nerves, but it will also help to keep your grandchild happy, safe, and healthy.

As a reminder, hearing uh-oh can result in anger and frustration. No matter how much you love your grandchild, these feelings are normal, especially as first impulses. Should you experience these emotions, it is important to take a step back and reexamine the situation. As a grandparent, it is important to remember that accidents do happen. Newborns, infants, and toddlers often have a difficult time controlling their actions; therefore, your role as a grandparent should involve offering support and encouragement, no matter what the uh-oh.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Hidden Messages : What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children

Melissa woke up after a perfect night’s sleep feeling refreshed and energetic. The sun shining through the window added yet more joy to this beautiful spring day. As she sprang out of bed, a thought hit her, and she began to giggle like a schoolgirl.

“What a wonderful day to play hooky!” she said to herself. An idea began to take shape. She’d never done anything like this before, but, after all, what was life for? “Yes!” she thought, “I’ll take a personal day off of work, actually let the boys skip school, and the three of us will spend this glorious day at the zoo!”

As she got dressed she added up her reasons to validate this slightly naughty endeavor: She’d get to spend some quality time with the boys, they’d get to enjoy a day with each other, they’d all have a respite from the rigors of their daily routine. She enjoyed her vision of the three of them laughing and strolling through the zoo, the boys chatting together and gushing their appreciation for their delightful day and their hip mom….

She headed off to wake up her kids and share her pleasant surprise. She bounded into Kevin’s room first and sat beside him on the bed. “Okay, sleepyhead! Time to get up.” The answer was a groan from under the covers.

Next was Luke’s room. She rolled his wheelchair beside the bed and suggested he choose shorts and a tee shirt for this fine warm day. She almost blurted out her plans, but thought better of it: she decided to get the kids up and dressed before telling them.

As the boys were eating breakfast, Melissa sat at the table across from them. Fairly bursting with her idea, she blurted, “How’d you guys like to skip school today? I thought we’d play hooky and head to the zoo!” Her eyes wide with excitement, she waited for their expressions of glee.

Luke looked mildly pleased, but not overly excited. Kevin scrunched up his face and wrinkled his nose. “The zoo? I don’t want to go to the zoo!” he moaned.

Melissa was a little disappointed, but she knew—just knew—they’d have a great time once they got there. “Oh come on!” She said, “We’ll have a ball!”

Kevin looked doubtful. “Who has fun at the zoo?”

She wasn’t about to give up on her wonderful plan, but her short-tempered response sounded like a bursting balloon. “We’re going to the zoo, and you’re going to have fun, it’s a sunny day, I’ve already called in for the day off, and this is quality time with your mother.”

Kevin and Luke just stared at their mom. “Yeah, yeah,” said Kevin, “Let’s go to the zoo. Whoopee.”

Determined not to let this little setback ruin her plans, Melissa gathered up their stuff and herded the boys into the van. Once she’d folded and loaded Luke’s chair, she hopped into the front seat with a broad smile on her face. “Here we go!” She didn’t see the looks her boys shot each other behind her.

They weren’t even out of the neighborhood when Luke’s voice pierced Melissa’s cheerful mood. “Mooommm! Kevin took my markers!”

“Did not!” Kevin retorted, “They’re mine!”

“Are not!” yelled Kevin, “Make him give ‘em back!”

“Boys!” growled Melissa. “You’re not even supposed to have markers in the van. Give them to me.” Melissa waved her hand backward over the seat, motioning for the markers.

“Well if they’re yours, then you give her the markers,” Kevin sneered at his brother.

“I can’t reach. You do it.”

“No. Figure it out.”

Melissa snapped her fingers. “Just give me the markers!” she growled.

They rode down the street in relative silence for the next fifteen minutes. Melissa turned on the radio and began to sing along. Her cheerful mood was returning.

Soon, they arrived at the zoo. Melissa found the handicapped spots full—with cars that didn’t belong there, of course—so she had to drive around the enormous lot twice before finding a spot. After unloading the chair, their gear, and themselves, they headed toward the zoo entrance. It wasn’t until they were nearly at the gate—and the steep flight of stone stairs—that she spied the “Wheelchair Access” sign, with its arrow pointing to the opposite side of the parking lot. In frustrated silence, they trudged back to the van and reloaded, only to repeat the process at the opposite side of the lot. As they approached the promised entrance, Luke piped up. “Kevin’s right. This isn’t gonna be any fun at all.”

Melissa didn’t even have the energy to answer. She paid for their tickets, posted her complaint about the inappropriately filled handicapped parking spots, and ushered the boys through the large iron gates. “Where do you want to go first?” she asked.

“Let’s go see the lions and tigers,” Kevin suggested.

“No way! I wanna see the elephants and giraffes,” protested Luke.

“Why do we always have to do what you want?” complained Kevin. “I vote for the lions and tigers.”

Melissa pulled the plug on the argument. “We’ll go to the reptile house.” She stated it firmly and stomped away, both boys groaning as they followed.

Melissa was enjoying the reptile house until she turned to see Kevin racing with Luke through the halls, nearly knocking over a woman and her baby as they popped wheelchair wheelies along the way. Her tightly clenched teeth were all that stood between a controlled but angry reprimand and a loud, angry outburst.

The disgruntled trio headed to the African Jungle. On the way, they passed a cotton candy stand. “Oh, what the heck,” Melissa thought. “Cotton candy before lunch—why not?” “Wait here a sec,” she said to the boys. But her big sweet surprise brought nothing but more complaints.

“Why’d you get pink?” complained Luke.

“How come only one?” Kevin whined. “I suppose Luke gets to hold it!”

“Well, if you hold it, nobody else will get to eat any since you’re such a PIG!”

“KNOCK IT OFF!” yelled Melissa, on the verge of tears. “This is supposed to be FUN!”

Kevin rolled his eyes at her. “Well, I told you the zoo wasn’t any fun!”

Melissa whirled Luke around so fast, he lost his balance. “Come on,” she growled at Kevin. She walked away so quickly, he had to run to catch up.

“What are you doing?” Luke asked.

“I have a headache,” Melissa responded. “We’re going home.”

The boys cried all the way home, while Melissa held her aching head and fumed over a totally wasted day.

The Hidden Message
“My expectations are so far from reality that the only possible result is my disappointment and anger.”

Think About It
Expectations: Our lives are full of them. On the day the pregnancy test is positive, we begin painting beautiful rosy pictures of what our lives as parents will be like; it’s Mother Nature’s way of fostering parent/child bonds and the hope that keeps us going.

As our children grow, we continue to envision how we hope things will turn out. We set up ideals, some realistic, some not. Eventually, the former delight us, and the latter…sometimes they break our hearts.

A mother discovers her robust newborn will never run on a baseball field, or even walk to school, and that they will face problems that she never even knew existed. The parents of four girls hope the birth of number five will add some variety to the family makeup, only to discover they will have plenty of use for the pink frilly dresses packed in the attic. A father, himself an only child, envisions a close and loving relationship between the twins his wife is expecting—only to find years later that daily bickering and fighting are more common than friendship between them. A mother with a close and loving relationship with her daughter turns around one day to ask who this sullen, selfish, moody, and demanding teenager living with her is.

Our great expectations frame the big picture as well as the small innumerable closeups of our daily lives. We set up countless ideal scenarios for our every day: the little one will behave in church; the painstakingly planned birthday party will be a smash hit; the new puppy will fit into the family perfectly. It’s a fact of life: Many of these small expectations are destined for failure.

The difference between expectation and reality equals unhappiness. The more specific and lofty our expectations, the harder we fall when reality crashes down on us.

Changes You Can Make
Take a good look at your own expectations for your children and your life. Examine these expectations and determine if they are realistic and likely. Don’t be afraid to make an honest assessment of where you are, how this compares to what you know to be ‘typical’ and where you think you may be headed.

One important way of making this exercise work is to become more knowledgeable about the stages of child development. When you are familiar with typical patterns of childhood—and there are many—you have a benchmark against which to measure the issues that arise daily. The vast bodies of research and observation available to you can help you see when your child’s behavior is usual for his age and situation, and when it is outside the norm and requires more attention. For example, if the Mom with the selfish and demanding teenage daughter were well read about what to expect in adolescence, she wouldn’t feel responsible for her daughter’s behavioral changes. She would have known that, no matter how close and loving the relationship with parents, nearly all teenagers endure hormonal and emotional upheaval at this time in their lives.

I am by no means suggesting pessimism, and actually, realistic expectations prevent pessimism. The more realistic your expectations the more possible it is to raise your children with optimism. In other words, when your expectations are realistic enough your children’s success is at least possible, and you will feel success as a parent. When expectations are extreme and unrealistic then failure is the most likely result. As an example, if you have more than one child, and you expect that they will NEVER bicker, NEVER fight, and that they will ALWAYS be cheerful-best-of-friends, you are setting yourself up for disappointment and anger.

On the flip side, I’m not suggesting that you passively accept “typical” misbehavior just because you expected it! Understanding and accepting your child’s behavior in a realistic way can help you see areas that may require your attention or may act as a warning light telling you that the situation requires taking the time to explore various solutions. So, when you understand that siblings WILL bicker and fight, sometimes just as often as they are cheerful-best-of-friends (and sometimes, more!), then you can relax and know that they are behaving normally—and then—explore the many ways you can encourage a more positive relationship between them. As another example, if your child doesn’t handle transitions well it doesn’t mean that you have to live your life on a rigid routine schedule—it means that you need to find ways to help your child learn to cope with life’s transitions in a more positive way.

When you have realistic expectations, you can calmly approach this momentous job we call parenting with a calm demeanor and a level head.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

Potty training can be natural, easy, and peaceful. The first step is to know the facts.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of The No-Cry Potty Training Solution

Get ready
If your child is near or has passed his first birthday, you can begin incorporating pre-potty training ideas into his life. They are simple things that will lay the groundwork for potty training and will make the process much easier when you’re ready to begin.

• During diaper changes, narrate the process to teach your toddler the words and meanings for bathroom-related functions, such as pee-pee and poo-poo. Include descriptive words that you’ll use during the process, such as wet, dry, wipe, and wash.
• If you’re comfortable with it, bring your child with you when you use the toilet. Explain what you’re doing. Tell him that when he gets bigger, he’ll put his pee-pee and poo-poo in the toilet instead of in his diaper. Let him flush the toilet if he wants to.
• Help your toddler identify what’s happening when she wets or fills her diaper. Tell her, “You’re going poo-poo in your diaper.” Have her watch you dump and flush.
• Start giving your child simple directions and help him to follow them. For example, ask him to get a toy from another room or to put the spoon in the dishwasher.
• Encourage your child to do things on her own: put on her socks, pull up her pants, carry a cup to the sink, or fetch a book.
• Have a daily sit-and-read time together.
• Take the readiness quiz again every month or two to see if you’re ready to move on to active potty learning.

Get set

• Buy a potty chair, a dozen pairs of training pants, four or more elastic-waist pants or shorts, and a supply of pull-up diapers or disposables with a feel-the-wetness sensation liner.
• Put the potty in the bathroom, and tell your child what it’s for.
• Read books about going potty to your child.
• Let your child practice just sitting on the potty without expecting a deposit.

Go

• Begin dressing your child in training pants or pull-up diapers.
• Create a potty routine–have your child sit on the potty when she first wakes up, after meals, before getting in the car, and before bed.
• If your child looks like she needs to go–tell, don’t ask! Say, “Let’s go to the potty.”
• Boys and girls both can learn sitting down. Teach your son to hold his penis down. He can learn to stand when he’s tall enough to reach.
• Your child must relax to go: read a book, tell a story, sing, or talk about the day.
• Make hand washing a fun part of the routine. Keep a step stool by the sink, and have colorful, child-friendly soap available.
• Praise her when she goes!
• Expect accidents, and clean them up calmly.
• Matter-of-factly use diapers or pull-ups for naps and bedtime.
• Either cover the car seat or use pull-ups or diapers for car trips.
• Visit new bathrooms frequently when away from home.
• Be patient! It will take three to twelve months for your child to be an independent toileter.

Stop

• If your child has temper tantrums or sheds tears over potty training, or if you find yourself getting angry, then stop training. Review your training plan and then try again, using a slightly different approach if necessary, in a month or two.

This article is an excerpt from The No-Cry Potty Training Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-Bye to Diapers by Elizabeth Pantley.

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.