by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC

“What are you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?” My seven-year-old son looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor. He stood statue-still, as children often do after an accident. The words and tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to fight the tears, and prepared to clean things up.

When I thought about it later, I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame and anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings too painful to deal with.

The truth was difficult.

I was teaching my son to feel shame.

How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst” in us?

The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They are often at the heart of toxic relations between parents and children. When we’re unable to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include frustration, humiliation, and anger. Our own sense of being defective may accompany the sense of shame, and may be related to our history as a child.

As children, there were times when we felt misunderstood and mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.

When we become parents, we are constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings and defenses.

When we’re “in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions, and about what’s right and wrong.

And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all—the needs of our children.

Here are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:

by Kelly E. Nault, M.A.

When your child misbehaves, do you find yourself feeling like they’re “out to get you”? Contrary to what you might be feeling at the time, your child probably doesn’t intend to misbehave with the intention to spoil your day. Usually, misbehavior stems from their own feelings of discouragement.

Rudolph Dreikurs said, “A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.” When a child fails to receive encouragement, they will look for others ways to get the attention they seek—often through ineffective means such as aggression, whining, bullying, disrespect, and even coach potato behavior.

By encouraging our children, we can actually prevent the misbehavior we don’t like. Sound good? Then keep reading!

Encouragement vs. Praise
Many Moms and Dads have learned how to praise their children, but the art of encouragement is a skill they’ve yet to master.

What’s the difference?
Encouragement is a “gift” focusing on the internal process—the “who” our child is. Praise, however, is given as a “reward” for external results—the “what” our child does.

When children are fed a constant diet of praise, they begin to focus on externals for their self-worth. The outcome? “Pleasers” and “perfectionists” who are constantly struggling to prove their worth. This can eventually lead to problems like anorexia, depression, and alcohol or drug abuse.

When children feel good about who they are because of encouragement, however, very little can stop them from attaining their dreams!

How to Tell the Two Apart
Here’s an easy way to remember the difference between encouragement and praise:

Encouragement—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear during a game or race. Things like:

• “Way to go!”
• “You can do it.”
• “Great save.”
• “You look like you are really enjoying yourself.”
• “Awesome job!”
• “Look at all the effort you are putting into this.”
• “I bet you were proud of that goal.”

Praise—Uses all the phrases and words you would hear after your child’s team has won. Examples are:

• “I am so proud of you, you won!”
• “You’re a winner. I love you.”
• “We’re number one, we’re number one!”
• “You’re first, like your sister.”
• “Finally, you won.”

Does this mean praise is evil? Of course not! It’s just ineffective in fostering your child’s internal support system—their self-esteem. The more you focus on encouraging phrases and words, instead of just praise, the more likely your child is to feel good about who they are.

Start Using These Positive Parent Rules Today!
Mystery solved! I trust you realize now that the main reason your child misbehaves is because they want to be encouraged. Here are 10 top ways you can start encouraging your child right away:

1. Smile and literally “light up” when they come into the room.
2. Focus on their strengths, rather than their weaknesses.
3. Every night, before bed, say to them, “I am so blessed to have a daughter/son like you in my life.”
4. Ask them for their opinion on an issue or challenge you had that day.
5. “Catch them” doing things you love and acknowledge them for it.
6. Become interested in what they are passionate about by asking questions and learning more.
7. Hug them often.
8. Look for ways they can help out and thank them for it.
9. Place surprise notes of encouragement in their lunch or under their pillow.
10. Use encouraging phrases like, “You must be proud of yourself.”

If you’re accustomed to “praising,” the switch to “encouraging” may be tough at first. Encouragement is an art form that takes both practice and experience. But the time and effort you put into encouraging your children is definitely worth it. Why? Because encouragement, moment by moment, leads to great things.

About the Author
Kelly Nault, MA author of When You’re About To Go Off The Deep End, Don’t Take Your Kids With You inspires moms to put themselves first—for the sake of their children. She shares time-tested tools that motivate children to want to be well behaved, responsible and happy! Sign up for her free online nine week parenting course here.

by Armin Brott

At one time or another, all parents struggle with discipline—establishing and enforcing limits, and getting their kids to speak to them respectfully and do what they’re supposed to do. But remember: discipline isn’t only about correction.

It’s also about teaching kids to control themselves and care about others so they can grow up to be productive members of society. Here are some approaches you can use to help your kids to do just that:

1. Be firm. Set reasonable limits, explain them, and enforce them.
2. Be consistent. Your child will learn to adapt to inconsistencies between you and your partner: if you allow jumping on the bed but she doesn’t, for example, the child will do it when he’s with you and won’t when he’s with your partner. However, if you allow jumping one day and prohibit it the next, you’ll only confuse your child and undermine your attempts to get him to listen when you ask him to do something.
3. Compromise. Kids can’t always tell the difference between big and little issues. So give in on a few small things once in a while (an extra piece of birthday cake at the end of a long day might avoid a tantrum). That will give the child a feeling of control and will make it easier for him to go along with the program on the bigger issues (holding hands while crossing the street, for example).
4. Be assertive and specific. “Stop throwing your food now” is much better than “cut that out!”
5. Give choices. Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children’s Behavior, suggests, for example, that if your child is yanking all the books off a shelf in the living room, you say, “Would you like to stop knocking the books off the shelf or would you like to go to your room?” If he ignores you, gently but firmly lead the child to his room and tell him he can come back into the living room when he’s ready to listen to you.
6. Cut down on the warnings. If the child knows the rules (at this age, all you have to do is ask), impose the promised consequences immediately. If you make a habit of giving six preliminary warnings and three “last” warnings before doing anything, your child will learn to start responding only the eighth or ninth time you ask.
7. Link consequences directly to the problem behavior. And don’t forget–clearly and simply–to explain what you’re doing and why: “I’m taking away your hammer because you hit me,” or “I asked you not to take that egg out of the fridge and you didn’t listen to me. Now you’ll have to help me clean it up.”
8. No banking. If you’re imposing punishments or consequences, do it immediately. You can’t punish a child at the end of the day for something (or a bunch of things) he did earlier–he won’t associate the undesirable action and its consequence.
9. Keep it short. Once the punishment is over (and whatever it is it shouldn’t last any more than a minute per year of age), get back to your life. There’s no need to review, summarize, or make sure the child got the point.
10. Stay calm. Screaming, ranting, or raving can easily cross the line into verbal abuse that can do long-term damage to your child’s self-esteem.
11. Get down to your child’s level. When your talking to your child—especially to criticize–kneel or sit. You’ll still be big enough that he’ll know who the boss is.
12. Don’t lecture. Instead, ask questions to engage the child in a discussion of the problematic behavior: “Is smoking cigars okay for kids or not?” “Do you like it when someone pushes you down in the park?”
13. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Even such seemingly innocuous comments as “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “Every single time you…” gives the child the message that he’s doomed to disappointing you no matter what he does.
14. Reinforce positive behavior. We spend so much time criticizing negatives and not enough time complimenting the positives. Heartfelt comments like “I’m so proud of you when I see you cleaning up your toys,” go a long way.
15. Play games. “Let’s see who can put the most toys away” and “I bet I can put my shoes on before you can” are big favorites. But be sure not to put away more toys or to put your shoes on first–kids under five have a tough time losing.
16. Avoid tantrums. Learn to recognize the things that trigger your child’s tantrums. The most common include exhaustion, overstimulation, hunger, and illness. Keeping those factors to a minimum will go a long way toward reducing tantrums.
17. No spanking. It’s bad for the kids and bad for you. Children who get spanked are more likely to suffer from poor self-esteem and depression. They’re also more likely to believe that it’s okay to hit other people when they’re mad. After all, you do.
18. No shaking. It may seem like a less violent way of expressing your frustrations than spanking, but it really isn’t. Shaking your baby can make his little brain rattle around inside his skull, possibly resulting in brain damage.
19. No bribes. It’s tempting to pay a child off to get him to do or not do something. But the risk–and it’s a big one–is that he will demand some kind of payment before complying with just about anything.
20. Be a grown-up. Biting your child or pulling his hair to demonstrate that biting or hitting is wrong or doesn’t feel good will backfire. Guaranteed.
21. Offer cheese with that whine. Tell your child that you simply don’t respond to whining and that you won’t give him what he wants until he asks in a nice way–and stick with it.
22. Set a good example. If your child sees you and your partner arguing without violence, he’ll learn to do the same. If he sees you flouting authority by running red lights, he’ll do the same.

Above all, make sure you understand your child. Trying to discipline him without understanding why he’s doing what he’s doing is a little like taking cough syrup for emphysema: the thing that’s bugging you goes away for a while, but the underlying problem remains–and keeps getting worse with time. The most direct way to solve this is to simply ask your child what’s going on and why he’s acting the way he is–in many case he’ll tell you. If he won’t tell you or doesn’t have the vocabulary to do so, make an educated guess (”Are you writing on the walls because you want me to spend more time with you?”).

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

by Dr. Mark Nagler, Ph.D.

Finding out that a child has been born with a disability, or that a previously healthy child has suffered an injury or disease that causes a disability can be the most traumatic moment in a parent’s life. Shock is usually the first thing people experience. It can temporarily paralyze you, preventing you from taking action, or even making rational decisions. In this difficult first period it is always wise to take the counsel of professionals and family members with experience or others whom you trust, while always maintaining the right to make the final decision yourselves.

After coming to grips with the shock of their situation, many parents come to feel that their expectations have been dashed, that they are failures as parents or that their family has been destroyed. Uncertainty, blame or jealousy may arise. Parents may worry about hundreds of questions that have few immediate answers which can lead to an unbalanced and overly bleak view of the opportunities, potential, and joy that can be found in raising a child with a disability.

These emotions however are normal; part of a “mourning” process that many parents of children with disabilities go through. If you have these feelings, remember that you are not the only ones who feel this way, and that you will get over them. You can adjust more quickly by obtaining accurate information, sharing your feelings openly with others, seeking professional counseling, and, most importantly, having open discussions with all members of your immediate family. With time, love, and support, any negative emotions you feel can be replaced by positive ones leading to productive actions that will benefit your child.

It is not the end of the world, and many families have become stronger, more loving, and more closely knit because of a disability in the family. The disability gave them the opportunity to work together to help out their loved one, and the entire family shares in the gains that are made by the child. Many of the negatives that parents imagine that go along with having a child who has a disability simply do not occur. While you will have to make some sacrifices, you will still have time for your friends, family, and hobbies. After awhile, many of the activities you once viewed as sacrifices will come to be seen as part of every life, rather than an exceptional burden.

Developing a positive attitude is very important, and although children with disabilities will inevitably become aware of their limitations, they should always be encouraged to take on new challenges. This is sometimes difficult as children with physical limitations may be reluctant to participate in physical activities out of fear of failure. Despite these fears, both the child’s and the parent’s perspective should be “have fun, and do your best.”

Some parents of children with disabilities are unable to have their special child live at home with them, but the vast majority is able to successfully manage within the home. If you are finding you cannot cope, there are alternatives available that will allow you to maintain a loving relationship with your child while maximizing appropriate care.

The most important factor in a family’s success is the motivation to succeed. If a child realizes that his parents always encourage success and will not be satisfied with anything less than his best effort, he will be motivated to succeed. Never settling for failure becomes part of his character, and his self-esteem will be enhanced and maintained.

There is a wide range of disabilities that affect children but the constant emphasis on always trying your best, reinforced in an atmosphere of warmth and support, will help any child with a disability triumph over the challenge that he will face. Instilling this confidence will help him have faith in himself and work on his own behalf throughout the course of his entire life.

About The Author
Dr. Mark Nagler is an acknowledged expert for people with disabilities. He was born with Cerebral Palsy and has triumphed over his disability by becoming an expert in the Disability Studies field. He has a B.A. from the University of British Columbia, a Masters degree from the University of Chicago and a Ph.D. from Stirling University in Britain. Dr. Nagler approaches disability from a different perspective than that offered by most experts and, although he has never been able to write, he was able to achieve his impressive array of degrees. He taught at Hamilton’s McMaster University and the University of Waterloo and he has lectured across Canada, the United States, Britain, Sweden, Hungary and Israel. He has used his cerebral palsy to empower students, parents and anyone else with whom he comes in contact. His book, “Yes You Can”, illustrates his own experience in over coming disability and his other work, “What’s Stopping You?”, conveys strategies that adults can successfully use in living with disabilities. www.marknagler.com. nagler@sympatico.ca

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting

Situation: It never fails, when we’re on vacation, the rains hit. We’re all stuck in the hotel room, and inevitably everyone gets grumpy. How do we keep the kids happy if this disaster strikes again?

Think about it: To quote the insightful words of William Shakespeare, “Nothing is good or bad, only thinking makes it so.” Hey, you’re still on vacation, no one has to go to work, or go to school, and you don’t have to cook and clean. You can still find plenty of ways to enjoy the time.

Solution #1: If you read this book before you left, you’ve packed some indoor activities. If not, venture out to a local store, and buy a selection. It will be the best money you spend on the trip. A few ideas are: paint by number sets, Legos TM, balloons, head sets with music and books on tape, puzzles, clay, and hand-held computer games. One toy that’s a hit for many kids from about age three to ten is a selection of plastic miniature animals or bugs. Many kids will play happily with these for hours. There are many favorite games that are made in small travel size versions, such as checkers, chess and even Monopoly TM. Check out the local toy store.

Solution #2: If you’re lucky enough to have a kitchenette in your room, allow the kids to play house. Let them use the dishes and supplies. Cleaning up the mess is worth it, since this activity will keep them busy for long periods of time. Even better, let room service take care of the mess and give them an extra tip.

Solution #3: Let the kids build a fort using tables, chairs, blankets and whatever else they can find. Let them play, eat, and even sleep in the fort. Need I say it again? The mess is worth the hours of happy playtime.

Solution #4: Fill the bathtub with water. Toss in anything you can find that can be used as water toys, such as cups, plastic dishes, and empty shampoo bottles. Let the kids enjoy playing in the water and don’t worry about the splashing.

Solution #5: Play “Easter Egg Hunt” using coins. Hide them all over the rooms and let the kids find them. Have a scavenger hunt, or a treasure hunt.

Solution #6: Set up a beauty salon. Let the kids practice hairstyles, paint each other’s fingernails, and put on make up.

Solution #7: Let the kids play dress-up with your clothes, if you’re comfortable with the idea. Have a fashion show. Put on a play. Have a concert.

Solution #8: Let them play in the rain! Just dry them off and give them some hot chocolate when they come in.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting

During their growth and development, children go through many stages of self-doubt. They are always comparing themselves to others, and they often see themselves as coming up short. As parents, we can offset this natural tendency in our children by giving them the skills to think more positively. It is important that you really listen to your children, and help them overcome their negative thoughts and beliefs. This is, of course, easier to do if you practice positive thinking yourself.

Our world is so full of negative feedback. We need to arm our children with a positive attitude, so that they can stay focused in the right direction. Let’s look at some typical negative statements from children, along with some positive responses from their wise parents:

I can’t do it
Take your time and try again. I have confidence in you.

Heather hates me
Sounds like you’re feeling rejected by Heather, and that must hurt. I know you want Heather to like you. Remember that you’re a very lovable kid and a terrific person, no matter what Heather, or anyone else, says or does. And, you know, she may have a problem that has nothing to do with you.

I’m just no good in history
You’ve brought up Cs before—I know you can do it again. Besides that, honey, nobody is good at everything. And look at this A in math, you’ve always done well with numbers!

I’m so clumsy. I’ll never learn to rollerblade!
It’s tough learning something new. Remember when you first tried to ski, how hard it was? But you stuck with it, and now you’re really good at skiing.

There is real value in discussing positive thinking and self-esteem with your children on a regular basis. Sadly, these subjects are not yet included in the school curriculum. There are good books written for children, as well as adults, which demonstrate the use of positive thinking. Reading a book together is a good launching pad for starting a conversation. Pointing out positive versus negative attitudes from news stories or life stories is an excellent way of showing your children just how this all works in real life, too.

A great web site for finding lots of wonderful positive messages is: greatday.com.

Modeling a positive attitude is one of the most effective ways of teaching your children. Children learn what they live. So start presenting your thoughts in a positive way, Oh well, I burned the dinner—guess that means we get to eat cereal for dinner!

Parents always hope that their children will have a positive outlook on life, but most often how this happens is left to chance. When you take this matter into your hands, and look for ways to guide your children’s thoughts in a positive direction, you will see very exciting results.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

Question:
My son fusses, whines, and complains every morning when I get ready to leave for work. I have to work, and I want to work, but my son’s attitude makes me feel terrible. Also, this is a lousy way to start the day.

Think about it:
Children easily pick up on a parent’s ambivalence about going to work. If you have mixed feelings about leaving your child and going off to work, it’s very possible your child is picking up on those feelings. If you’re leaving your child with a competent caregiver, it’s perfectly okay for you to go to work. As a matter of fact, some people are better parents because of the break that going to work provides them. Reconcile your own feelings so that you can start leaving for the day with a confident, cheerful attitude.

Convey a positive attitude:
Don’t get upset and apologize for leaving your child. Try to convey to your child a calm confidence about the situation. Leave for the day with a wave and a smile on your face. Let your parting comments be positive, “You can show me what you paint with your new paint set when I get home. I’ll be looking forward to it. Have a great day!”

Don’t prolong your leaving:
Keep your good-bye brief. Have a routine for leaving. Use the same sequence each time you leave. For young children, this routine might include pretending to give your child a “little tiny Mommy” to put in his pocket, and taking an imaginary mini-version of your child to put in your pocket. Some kids enjoy being your “helper” and buttoning your coat, carrying your briefcase to the door, or unlocking your car. They can then send you on your way, which puts them in more of a position of control over the situation.

Take away the mystery:
Let your child visit your place of work so he can see where you will be during the day. Allow him to sit in your seat, use your phone or computer, and meet the people you spend your time with. Then, let him check in with you, if possible, at a specific time of the day. You can then explain where you are, and what you’re doing, and he’ll have a mental picture of your workplace. Many children feel better about letting you leave after this experience.

Let him know you understand:
Acknowledge his feelings, and help him understand them. But equally important, reassure him and help him deal with the feelings and learn to get by them. “I know you miss Mommy when I go to work. I miss you too. That’s become we love each other and like to be together. I do need to go to work every day. I like my work. You have lots of things to do when I’m gone. You can tell me all about your day when I get home.”

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect Parenting

Toddlers and preschoolers require finesse to gain their cooperation, because they have not yet reached the age at which they can see and understand the whole picture, so simply explaining what you want doesn’t always work. Robert Scotellaro is quoted in The Funny Side of Parenthood as saying, “Reasoning with a two-year-old is about as productive as changing seats on the Titanic.” (He must have had a two-year-old at the time.)

You can get around this frustrating state of affairs by changing your approach. Let’s look at two situations – first the typical (Titanic) way:

Parent: David! Time to change your diaper.

David: No! (As he runs off)

Parent: Come on honey. It’s time to leave, I need to change you.

David: (Giggles and hides behind sofa)

Parent: David, this isn’t funny. It’s getting late. Come here.

David: (Doesn’t hear a word. Sits down to do a puzzle.)

Parent: Come here! (Gets up and approaches David)

David: (Giggles and runs)

Parent: (Picking up David) Now lie here. Stop squirming! Lie still. Will you stop this! (As parent turns to pick up a new diaper, a little bare bottom is running away)

I’m sure you’ve all been there. Oh, and by the way, David is my son. And this was an actual scene recorded in his baby book. Like you, I got very tired of this. And then I discovered a better way:

Parent: (Picking up diaper and holding it like a puppet, making it talk in a silly, squeaky voice) Hi David! I’m Dilly Diaper! Come here and play with me!

David: (Running over to Diaper) Hi Dilly!

Parent as Diaper: You’re such a nice boy. Will you give me a kiss?

David: Yes. (Gives diaper a kiss)

Parent as Diaper: How ‘bout a nice hug?

David: (Giggles and hugs Diaper)

Parent as Diaper: Lie right here next to me. Right here. Yup. Can I go on you? Oh yes?! Goody goody goody! (The diaper chats with David while he’s being changed. Then it says, Oh, David! Listen, I hear your shoes calling you – David! David!

The most amazing thing about this trick is that it works over and over and over and over. You’ll keep thinking, “He’s not honestly going to fall for this again?” But he will! Probably the nicest by-product of this method is that it gets you in a good mood and you have a little fun time with your child.

When you’ve got a toddler this technique is a pure lifesaver. When my son David was little I used this all the time. (I then used it with my youngest child, Coleton, and it worked just as well.) Remembering back to one day, when David was almost three, we were waiting in a long line at the grocery store and I was making my hand talk to him. It was asking him questions about the items in the cart. Suddenly, he hugged my hand, looked up at me and said, “Mommy, I love for you to pretend this hand is talking.”

Another parent reported that she called her toddler to the table for dinner a number of times, when he calmly looked up at her, chubby hands on padded hips and said, “Mommy, why don’t you have my dinner call to me?”

And suddenly, the peas on his plate came to life and called out to him; he ran over to join the family at the dinner table.

A variation on this technique, that also works very well, is to capitalize on a young child’s vivid imagination as a way to thwart negative emotions. Pretend to find a trail of caterpillars on the way to the store, hop to the car like a bunny, or pretend a carrot gives you magic powers as you eat it.

It’s delightful to see how a potentially negative situation can be turned into a fun experience by changing a child’s focus to fun and fantasy.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by News Canada

(NC)—The first year of a child’s life is a prime time for exploring. Babies are excited and eager to learn about the world around them and playing is essential to a child’s development. Parents are the best learning resource a child has, and playtime offers a chance for bonding between parents and children. By learning how to play with their children, parents can help them develop a sense of accomplishment and self-esteem.

Parents shouldn’t feel that they have to constantly practice the alphabet or enroll their children in school at age two to stimulate learning. Instead, parents should provide toys that help stretch mental, physical and emotional muscles. In addition, parents shouldn’t be afraid to get down on the floor and play alongside their babies.

“Rewarding babies for accomplishments helps to develop a positive self-image,” says Dr. Kathleen Alfano, leading child researcher and Director of the Fisher-Price Child Research Department. Parents should enjoy watching their babies play and can offer encouragement by clapping their hands or singing songs to their children.

Parents can help their children play by creating an environment that is safe and clear. The area should also be childproofed so that the youngster is able to explore without any restrictions.

When left to explore and discover, baby will soon learn how to move from sitting to crawling to learning how to stand. Once babies begin to move around and walk, toys for pushing and pulling that feature pleasant sounds are important motivators. Fisher-Price’s line of Baby Playzone toys encourages and rewards baby’s physical accomplishments, making baby want to repeat the activity again and again. For example, Baby Playzone Stride-To-Ride Walker helps steady baby’s first steps and reward baby’s achievement with lights, sounds and high-energy music.

Parents can watch their children grow through these stages with the Fisher-Price Baby Playzone Crawl & Slide Arcade, which will take them from standing to sliding down baby’s first slide. In addition to a parent’s encouragement to take the next step, lights and lively music also reward every accomplishment baby makes.

It is important that parents try not to direct play or show children how to do something “the right way.” It is important to remember that children who are able to explore on their own develop a sense of accomplishment and confidence.

By Karen Millard

A baby’s unselfconscious laughter is one of the happiest sounds you’ll ever hear. But did you know that by playing with your baby, you’re doing much more than simply having fun?

Those adoring gazes you share; all those games of patty-cake; the suspense-filled moments waiting for the jack-in-the-box to appear and the excited laughter when it does, are all helping baby develop an optimistic outlook on life and an ability to regulate his own moods.

Newborn babies are helpless in more ways than one. Unable to affect their own circumstances in even the smallest of ways, they’re also unable to control their own feelings. When they’re sad, they’re sad. There’s nothing they can do on their own to change their emotional state. They depend entirely on mom, or other caregivers, to soothe and comfort them; to help them navigate out of a sea of unpleasant sensation into calmer waters.

In fact, experts say, the job of regulating a baby’s inner state is one of the most important tasks of early parenthood. A mom who is responsive to her baby’s cries is teaching him that it is possible to move from a state of distress to one of contentment.

Of course, before many months have passed, baby will have to learn how to accomplish the feat for himself.

And this is where playtime comes in.

When you spend time playing with baby, making him coo and smile and laugh, you’re initiating and – most important – sharing his pleasurable experiences.

All this sharing, or what experts call “positive amplification” of baby’s emotions, helps baby learn to invoke pleasurable sensations in himself and to tolerate greater intensity of sensation before becoming overwhelmed.

And you thought you were just playing peek-a-boo!

About the Author:
Karen Millard is writer-in-residence at http://www.FeedYourOptimism.com Give your optimism a boost and learn how you can make a difference in this world!