Does your child move at an excruciatingly slow pace? Do you find it frustrating when you need to get somewhere and you’re rushing about – yet you have to keep prodding him along? Children live according to a much slower clock than we adults do. They don’t give a moment’s thought to what they might be doing next. They prefer to enjoy each moment for what it is. They pause as they watch the cat sleep, examine the color patterns in the carpet, and ponder the reasons for having toes. If you think about it, it’s a shame that we can’t all live on “kid-time.” But since we can’t, here are a few tips to keep things moving along.

Give specific step-by-step directions.
Make incremental requests that your child can easily follow. Give your child one or two tasks at a time, and when complete, assign the next. “Please put your puzzle in the box and go to the bathroom.”

Make a list.
Write down the sequence of tasks to be completed and give the list to your child with a pencil to cross things off as they’re done.

Give an incentive to finish.
Encourage your child to finish the task with a “When/Then” statement, such as, “When you get in the car, then you can have your crackers.”

Analyze your own daily schedule.
Determine if you are trying to do too much. If you are, see if you can make some changes. Start focusing on the priorities in your life, eliminate some of the unnecessary time-wasters, and slow yourself down a little bit.

Check your child’s nap and sleep schedules.
Children who aren’t getting a proper amount of sleep will lack energy and tend to move slowly and dawdle.

Don’t rush your child with the words, “Come on!” or “Hurry up!”
These requests tend to frustrate children and then they rush to the point of taking extra time to make up for the mistakes that happen when they move too fast.

Don’t reinforce the pattern.
Children often dawdle out of habit. A parent will announce, “Time to go” and then be distracted by a phone call or a household task (so then it really isn’t time to go.) Children come to expect that you’ll repeat yourself numerous times before they have to respond. Practice this: think before you speak, make a very specific request, and then follow through.

Don’t expect speed.
Allow a reasonable amount of time for your child to meet your request. Watch your child to learn his pace. Just because you are in a hurry doesn’t mean your child will move any faster than his usual speed.

Avoid miscommunication.
Make clear, specific statements that don’t leave room for misunderstanding. As an example, instead of the vague statement, “Get ready to go,” clarify by saying, “Right now, would you please put on your shoes and your coat, and get in the car.”

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

“What are you thinking? Haven’t we talked about this before?” My seven-year-old son looked down at the food that had just spilled on the kitchen floor. He stood statue-still, as children often do after an accident. The words and tone I’d used were having their impact. He braced himself to fight the tears, and prepared to clean things up.

When I thought about it later, I realized the worst moment wasn’t the food hitting the floor. The worst moment was seeing his face hiding the shame and anguish he was feeling. It was in knowing I’d been responsible for helping him “shove down” big feelings too painful to deal with.

The truth was difficult.

I was teaching my son to feel shame.

How does all of this happen? How is it that our parenting brings out the “worst” in us?

The dynamics of shame are fairly simple. They are often at the heart of toxic relations between parents and children. When we’re unable to change the behavior of our children, we may have a rush of feelings that include frustration, humiliation, and anger. Our own sense of being defective may accompany the sense of shame, and may be related to our history as a child.

As children, there were times when we felt misunderstood and mistreated. The feelings of shame that were generated from those times produced defense mechanisms that protected us from having to experience those painful moments again.

When we become parents, we are constantly reminded of past shame-filled experiences in our interactions with our children. The shame comes rushing back in an avalanche of feelings and defenses.

When we’re “in” our own shame, everything is distorted. When our children make mistakes, they’re our mistakes. When they appear defective, we feel defective. We become overly concerned about other people’s opinions, and about what’s right and wrong.

And in this avalanche of shame, we lose sight of the most important thing of all—the needs of our children.

Here are some steps to limit or avoid the impact of shame on your family:

Dear Mr. Dad: My two-year-old son has started having temper tantrums. The ones that happen at home are no fun, but the ones that happen in public places—like the supermarket—are downright embarrassing. Is there anything I can do about this problem?

Armin answers: Temper tantrums are most common among two and three-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase “terrible twos” was invented. Experts have found that kids this age have tantrums because their strong wills and their desire for things outstrips their ability to express their emotions in words. Tantrum are an emotional release, which, as you well know, are characterized by screaming, crying, and kicking. The most impressive ones often involve some kind of thrashing around on the floor.

Generally speaking, the best way to deal with any tantrum—public or private—is to ignore it and let it take its course. Giving in to your son’s temper only reinforces the behavior: effectively saying to him that if he misbehaves, he’ll get what he wants. I know it’s hard, but fight the urge to give in.

Of course, ignoring a tantrum isn’t always possible. If it happens in a public place, for example, try to remove your son from the scene. If you can, take him outside to the car and let him scream it out there. The point here is to show your son that you won’t tolerate that kid of behavior.

Another effective way to deal with tantrums is to head them off at the pass. Say you’re in a store and your son starts asking for candy. He’s tired and you know that a negative response might push him over the brink. Offer him a compromise. Tell him he can’t have the candy now, but as soon as you get home you’ll make a big bowl of pudding together, or play his favorite game.

And speaking of being tired, fatigue and irritability are often the precursors to tantrums. So if it’s nap time, skip that stop at the grocery store and head straight for home. Finally, make sure your son knows what’s expected of him at all times and praise his good behavior every chance you get. Knowing he’s pleasing you will probably make him want to do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

At one time or another, all parents struggle with discipline—establishing and enforcing limits, and getting their kids to speak to them respectfully and do what they’re supposed to do. But remember: discipline isn’t only about correction.

It’s also about teaching kids to control themselves and care about others so they can grow up to be productive members of society. Here are some approaches you can use to help your kids to do just that:

1. Be firm. Set reasonable limits, explain them, and enforce them.
2. Be consistent. Your child will learn to adapt to inconsistencies between you and your partner: if you allow jumping on the bed but she doesn’t, for example, the child will do it when he’s with you and won’t when he’s with your partner. However, if you allow jumping one day and prohibit it the next, you’ll only confuse your child and undermine your attempts to get him to listen when you ask him to do something.
3. Compromise. Kids can’t always tell the difference between big and little issues. So give in on a few small things once in a while (an extra piece of birthday cake at the end of a long day might avoid a tantrum). That will give the child a feeling of control and will make it easier for him to go along with the program on the bigger issues (holding hands while crossing the street, for example).
4. Be assertive and specific. “Stop throwing your food now” is much better than “cut that out!”
5. Give choices. Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children’s Behavior, suggests, for example, that if your child is yanking all the books off a shelf in the living room, you say, “Would you like to stop knocking the books off the shelf or would you like to go to your room?” If he ignores you, gently but firmly lead the child to his room and tell him he can come back into the living room when he’s ready to listen to you.
6. Cut down on the warnings. If the child knows the rules (at this age, all you have to do is ask), impose the promised consequences immediately. If you make a habit of giving six preliminary warnings and three “last” warnings before doing anything, your child will learn to start responding only the eighth or ninth time you ask.
7. Link consequences directly to the problem behavior. And don’t forget–clearly and simply–to explain what you’re doing and why: “I’m taking away your hammer because you hit me,” or “I asked you not to take that egg out of the fridge and you didn’t listen to me. Now you’ll have to help me clean it up.”
8. No banking. If you’re imposing punishments or consequences, do it immediately. You can’t punish a child at the end of the day for something (or a bunch of things) he did earlier–he won’t associate the undesirable action and its consequence.
9. Keep it short. Once the punishment is over (and whatever it is it shouldn’t last any more than a minute per year of age), get back to your life. There’s no need to review, summarize, or make sure the child got the point.
10. Stay calm. Screaming, ranting, or raving can easily cross the line into verbal abuse that can do long-term damage to your child’s self-esteem.
11. Get down to your child’s level. When your talking to your child—especially to criticize–kneel or sit. You’ll still be big enough that he’ll know who the boss is.
12. Don’t lecture. Instead, ask questions to engage the child in a discussion of the problematic behavior: “Is smoking cigars okay for kids or not?” “Do you like it when someone pushes you down in the park?”
13. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Even such seemingly innocuous comments as “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “Every single time you…” gives the child the message that he’s doomed to disappointing you no matter what he does.
14. Reinforce positive behavior. We spend so much time criticizing negatives and not enough time complimenting the positives. Heartfelt comments like “I’m so proud of you when I see you cleaning up your toys,” go a long way.
15. Play games. “Let’s see who can put the most toys away” and “I bet I can put my shoes on before you can” are big favorites. But be sure not to put away more toys or to put your shoes on first–kids under five have a tough time losing.
16. Avoid tantrums. Learn to recognize the things that trigger your child’s tantrums. The most common include exhaustion, overstimulation, hunger, and illness. Keeping those factors to a minimum will go a long way toward reducing tantrums.
17. No spanking. It’s bad for the kids and bad for you. Children who get spanked are more likely to suffer from poor self-esteem and depression. They’re also more likely to believe that it’s okay to hit other people when they’re mad. After all, you do.
18. No shaking. It may seem like a less violent way of expressing your frustrations than spanking, but it really isn’t. Shaking your baby can make his little brain rattle around inside his skull, possibly resulting in brain damage.
19. No bribes. It’s tempting to pay a child off to get him to do or not do something. But the risk–and it’s a big one–is that he will demand some kind of payment before complying with just about anything.
20. Be a grown-up. Biting your child or pulling his hair to demonstrate that biting or hitting is wrong or doesn’t feel good will backfire. Guaranteed.
21. Offer cheese with that whine. Tell your child that you simply don’t respond to whining and that you won’t give him what he wants until he asks in a nice way–and stick with it.
22. Set a good example. If your child sees you and your partner arguing without violence, he’ll learn to do the same. If he sees you flouting authority by running red lights, he’ll do the same.

Above all, make sure you understand your child. Trying to discipline him without understanding why he’s doing what he’s doing is a little like taking cough syrup for emphysema: the thing that’s bugging you goes away for a while, but the underlying problem remains–and keeps getting worse with time. The most direct way to solve this is to simply ask your child what’s going on and why he’s acting the way he is–in many case he’ll tell you. If he won’t tell you or doesn’t have the vocabulary to do so, make an educated guess (“Are you writing on the walls because you want me to spend more time with you?”).

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Prepare Your Child for the Changes Ahead
Explain in realistic terms what changes will occur when the baby arrives. Tell your child that new babies cry a lot — when they are tired, hungry, hot or cold, have a wet diaper, need to be cuddled, or sometimes just because they are babies.

Setting up realistic expectations will help them through this challenging, exhilarating time. And, always refer to the baby as “ours” to let your older child have ownership in the arrival of your new member.

Let Your Child Discuss Things Bothering Him
Being heard is probably the most crucial thing you can do to help your child with the transition. And, understand that jealousy is universal. All children experience it in some manner. It is not a predictor of how well your children will relate to each other in later years. But, we do know that if children are not allowed, and even encouraged, to express negative feelings, these feelings will come out in non-productive ways.

Help your child talk through any negative feelings about the baby. This may be difficult for you to hear, but it is much better than the alternative. Anger, jealousy and confusion when kept inside can turn into violence. Children will find a way to express these feelings, through either physical or emotional outlets, if safe spaces for communicating these ideas are not created.

Reassure Your Child You Love Them
It is so important to keep reminding your older children how special they are to you, how much you love them, and how there is no one that could ever take their place in your heart and in your life. Lots of extra hugs and cuddles are a definite must!

Avoid Comparisons
We want to allow our children to be and become their own special selves. Highlight your children’s unique gifts and mirror those back to them so they can see and be proud of their own talents and qualities.

Comparisons are just one of the ways we can cause jealousy and anger. Be aware of your actions and words; children are very sensitive during times of change.

Set Aside Alone Time with Your Older Child
Have your partner, a friend or a sitter watch the baby and take your child out for special times (to the park, to get ice cream or for a walk — just the two of you). Also, use the baby’s naptime to read, sing, dance, play, and talk to your older child.

Time alone will be crucial to your child’s self-esteem and to let them know how important they are to you.

Ask Your Older Child for Help
Explain that babies need lots of extra attention because they can’t do anything for themselves. They will need help eating, getting dressed, bathing – and all of these are things that the big brother/sister can help with. Giving them responsibility with the new baby makes them feel special and a part of the new energy around the baby.

Don’t make the mistake of building an artificial wall between the baby and the older sibling in an effort to protect the new baby. Instead, broaden your already existing family circle to allow for your new member. Don’t shut out the older siblings, but allow them to nurture, cuddle, rock, feed and even help with changing diapers for the baby.

Allow your older child to keep special toys and clothes. Seeing all your toys disappear into the baby’s room can cause anger and jealousy. Know that your older child may have outgrown certain toys but still be attached to others (stuffed animals in particular).

Just Because He Is OLDER Doesn’t Mean He is “Older”
Overnight, your child’s role has changed in the family. Don’t expect him to grow up overnight just because he is the big brother. Many children revert to younger behaviors when the baby arrives and want you to call them baby, too. Knowing that this is perfectly normal (and only temporary) will help you deal with their changes.

Don’t Fuss
There will be enough relatives lavishing attention on the baby and plenty of time for that when your older child is not present. You should talk to your child about all the attention that the baby will get. Let your older child know that you understand how he feels with all the attention going to someone else.

Reinforce the Positives
Try to point out your children’s accomplishments and lavish praise on them. Reinforcing all the good things they do is extremely important at a time that will be full of “don’ts.” It is only natural that there will be many negative rules that will be established (Don’t scream around the baby, don’t pull the baby’s arms, etc.), but remember to focus on the positives.