Last week in my newsletter, I mentioned that my children knew how to behave in nice restaurants because they had been exposed to the atmosphere at an early age. My idea of well behaved might be different from yours, however, I think there are certain basics that are important and universal.

When my daughters were babies, we would take them wherever we went. If they began to fuss or cry, one of us would promptly remove them from the room/restaurant/market/wherever. Not because we felt their crying or fussing was a bad thing. No, it’s a perfectly normal occurrence for infants and toddlers. We removed them as a courtesy to others who we felt did not need to be as tolerant as we were with our children’s noise. In consequence, my daughters know that other people are not as wildly in love with their racket or with them as we are. Nor should they be expected to be.

As our children grew older, they were always told the rules of our outings, how to behave and to always speak softly if other adults were present. Sometimes, it’s fine to let them get a little crazy … just know your audience! If we are at a five star restaurant where many other diners have come to enjoy a gracious and expensive meal, would we expect everyone there to be enthralled with junior’s vocal or behavioral outbursts? Would we really expect them to care if our child is having a bout with walking pneumonia and coughing uncontrollably? Nope. It’s rude. And rudeness is basically nothing more than bad manners. If there is an emergency with your child, by all means don’t give a flying flamingo about what others think. But this is the exception. Besides, children who are that sick belong at home, not in public.

Last night, my girls and I were in a department store. There was a toddler carrying on and screaming for more than 15 minutes when my younger daughter said: “Now his mommy is going to tell him to stop because there are other people in here that don’t want to hear it!”

Unfortunately, his mommy did not tell him any such thing. She let him wail and scream and cry, much to the chagrin and annoyance of everyone else in the store. You know what? As much as I love kids and cannot bear to see or hear them suffering, I disliked this kid immensely!

My reasoning is this: if our kids learn that they are free to trample on the peace, space or rose gardens of others, they will develop into spoiled and inconsiderate brats. And then who will like them? Who will want to spend time with them? Who, besides their forgiving parents, will be able to tolerate their lack of social graces and good manners? No one … except maybe another ill-mannered person who feels at home with a similarly clueless individual. Do we really want our children reduced to such horrible options? I think not.

We teach our children not to steal, lie or punch their brother in the nose. Shouldn’t we teach them respect for others at the same time? That their whining and out-of-control behavior is something no one really wants to hear or witness, especially strangers who have no vested interest in their developing minds or self-esteem? A simple reminder of the rules, consistently, works wonders … eventually.

Good luck. Kids need to learn manners and social graces. They will go farther in life if we teach them well.

Copyright – 2000-2004- Rexanne Mancini

About The Author
Rexanne Mancini is the mother of two daughters, Justice and Liberty. She is a novelist, freelance writer and maintains an extensive yet informal parenting and family web site, www.rexanne.com. Visit her site for good advice, award-winning Internet holiday pages and some humor to help you cope. Subscribe to her free newsletter, Rexanne’s Web Review, for a monthly dose of Rexanne: www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html. You can reach her at rexanne@rexanne.com.

“Dad, you’re going to be a grandfather.” My son was calling from his Naval base. He could have told me anything else on earth and I would not have been more surprised. At first I thought he was joking. I waited for the punch line. It was no joke.

He had come home on leave a few weeks earlier. He had met a girl. We knew very little about her. They had dated while he was home. It turns out they had kept contact, calling, writing and e-mailing to each one another. Soon after he had gone back to his base she discovered she was pregnant. They were, of course, not married.

It took a few moments for what he was saying to sink in. How could this happen? (Stupid question.) What was he going to do about it? (We are Catholic. Another stupid question.) How could he let this happen? (My first sensible question.) Surprise rolled over into anger. We ended up slamming down the phones in anger.

A jillion things raced through my mind. I was barely in my 40′s. I was too young to be a grandparent. What were our friends going to think? What was our pastor going to think? How were these two kids going to get along raising a baby? What was the mother really like? After all, we barely knew her. How were they going to be able to build a marriage relationship with a baby in the middle of all of that adjustment? How were they going to start a family with him in the Navy and away at sea part of the time?

Sure, I wanted to be a grandparent someday. Just not yet and not this way.

The next few months were a period of change and adjustment for all of us. It wasn’t easy.

One of the toughest adjustments was accepting that my son was stepping into both adulthood and fatherhood. He was barely out of high school. He still had two years remaining on his Navy enlistment. Suddenly he was no longer the boy, who it seemed like only yesterday I had been scolding for not cleaning his room, taking out the garbage and for denting a fender on the car.

A girl we barely knew was suddenly part of the family. We had to quickly develop a relationship with her. Like my son, she seemed so young. Was this girl really going to be the mother of my grandchild?

And then he was born. He was so tiny. I had forgotten how small a new baby is. The first time I held him I swear he smiled at me. I knew we were going to be buddies. They tell me he was too young to really smile. I know better. In that moment I caught a glimpse, in my mind’s eye, of all of the fishing trips, ball games and camp outs we were going to share.

Suddenly none of the would’ve, could’ve, should have’s counted for a thing. A new little innocent person, who had no say at all in the matter, had just been born. The only thing that mattered from that day forward was giving him everything that family love and support can possibly provide.

That is what we have been learning to do. Along the way I have picked up a few tips to share.

1. It is your child’s home, your child’s rules. A role reversal takes place. When your child establishes a home, you are a guest. The rules change. You are no longer in charge’ and you are sharing your child’s life in a new way. Respect that and be grateful for the opportunity. 
2. Offer to give the parents a break. Babies and small children demand constant attention. This level of attention day after day and week after week is wearing on anyone. Offer to give your child and his or her spouse a break. Even a break of a few hours can be a very welcome gift. 
3. Do not criticize. Your child and his or her partner are going to do things and say things that you wouldn’t do or say. They are going to make mistakes. Don’t criticize them for those mistakes. Your criticism will not be received well and will get in the way of your relationship. Besides, you’ve made plenty of mistakes of your own. They are entitled to theirs. 
4. Offer advice only when asked. It is a funny thing about advice. The more you offer it, the less it is appreciated. The less you offer advice, the more it’s sought. That truism has never been more valid than dealing with an adult child. 
5. The world has changed. The parenting styles and discipline techniques your children use may be different than those you employed. Most likely the techniques you used were different than those of your parents. You may not always agree with your children, but as long as everyone is safe from harm, with food and shelter, accept them. If you did a good job teaching your children your basic values, they will not stray far from them, regardless the techniques used. 
6. Make time to be a grandparent. Most people I know that are my age live very hectic, busy lives. We are at the height of our careers. Most of us are healthy and very active. Time is a precious commodity. Most of us also spent so much time developing careers and supporting our lifestyles that we found our children were grown almost before we knew it. Arrange your life with time to be a grandparent. The rewards are greater than work and personal activities will ever be. 
7. Share your grandchild’s world. Suddenly you are looking at a whole new round of ball games, school plays, scout meetings, graduations and the other events in your grandchild’s life. They are even more fun now than they were with your own children. Your grandchildren grow and change every day. There is a special pride in watching a grandchild develop and perform. These events are an excellent way to stay in touch with his or her developing personality. 
8. Ask how you can help. Do not assume you know. Your child’s life, like yours has been, will be a series of challenges, success and failures. Let you child know that you are always there, willing to help. Don’t assume you know when and how to help. Your child will let you know when he or she needs your help. 
9. Establish limits of help. Being a grandparent is special. It does not mean giving up your own life. If a parent is willing to provide unlimited assistance, it may become too easy for the child to take advantage of that. There should be limits of financial and personal assistance. Occasional babysitting is fun, for example. Providing a free daycare service may not be. Determine limits that are reasonable and comfortable for you and then discuss them with your child.

Becoming a grandparent is a very special time in life. In many ways it is more fun than being a parent. It is part-time. It is a second chance to do all of the things you meant to do or should have done with your children. The relationship with my grandchildren is more relaxed and easier than with my children. I may not have been ready when it happened, but I’m glad it did.

About the Author
Royce Armstrong is a grandparent and freelance writer featured at Happy Tulip Toys and Gifts for Grandchildren. This and other articles and tips about grandparenting can be found here.

Love, respect, and appreciation for music are easy to share with our children and build life skills at the same time. During the first years of our child’s life, musical skills build self-esteem and enhance expression. Musical rhythms spur motor development. Learning melodies and words stimulates listening capacity and help children develop receptive language. Specific areas of child development and learning are positively affected by exposure to and training in music. Preschoolers given piano and voice lessons, for example, have been found to improve dramatically in their ability to put together picture puzzles of animals. Playing the piano at the preschool age influences development of the cortex, the part of the brain used for thinking, talking, seeing, hearing, and creating. Music training contributes to the ability to learn or enhance mathematics skills.

Music clearly is a resource for living, growing, and learning and can be an integral part of our children’s growing experiences.

Exploring Sound, Rhythm, Melody and Music

Music is controlled movement of sound, in time.

Music is three basic components: Sound + Rhythm + Melody = Music

Sound
To help children understand music, it is helpful to look at each component separately. First there is sound, one that we make or one from another source. A few examples of sound are a bird chirping, a teakettle whistling, and a child banging on a pot with a spoon. If music were compared to a painting, sound would be the background color. In our bodies, sound corresponds with our central nervous system. A pleasant sound opens and expands us. It can energize or calm us. A shrieking sound puts our nerves on edge. Like the background in a painting, sound is the first step in creating music.

Here are some ways to explore sound with our children.

• Have your children listen to the sounds around them. How many different sounds can they find in the kitchen or backyard?
• Encourage children to be creative making sounds. Have them use their voices or household objects to make sound. Allow them to make pretty, irritating, or silly sounds. They are all music if they reflect creative exploration or honest feelings.

The purpose for creating sound is not necessarily to make *beautiful music* but to foster self-expression and open up our children’s ears to the world around them.

Rhythm
The second component of music is rhythm. Rhythm defines and organizes the sound through a beat. For example, is the whistling of the teakettle long and steady or short and choppy? Is the child’s banging on the pot fast and upbeat or smooth and slow? In a painting, the rhythm would be the overall movement or flow of the composition. When you first look at the painting, where do your eyes go? Is the painting easy to look at or is it busy and annoying? This is its rhythm.

In our bodies, rhythm corresponds to our own internal body rhythm-our pulse and breath. If the musical beat is quick and steady, our heartbeat and body movements will mirror it. If we are tired, listening to African drumming can kick our body back into gear. On the other hand, if a two-year-old is running around out of control, slow rhythmic music like Bach or Vivaldi restores inner calm and slows most children down. Explore and add rhythm to the sounds that children make.

• Have your children play with different beats: fast, slow, steady, and erratic.
• Have them practice listening to the different rhythms around them, like the water dripping from the faucet or the ticking of a clock.
• Ask them if they can feel the vibration of a musical beat in their bodies, and if so, where? How do the different rhythms feel in their body? How do their feet want to move with the different beats?
• Try hand clapping to the rhythm of a poem and foot tapping to a favorite piece of music. These activities are every child’s favorite, free entertainment.

Melody
Finally there is melody. Melody corresponds to our emotions. It gives sound and rhythm its feeling and sensual quality. It is the part of music that expresses the hills and valleys of an individual’s experience. It goes straight to our heart and feeling center. Melody can uplift our spirit, calm us during times of stress, or move us to tears. Returning to the painting metaphor, melody would be the overall feeling that the painting evokes as we look at it. Does the painting draw us in and create a feeling of peace, excitement, distress, or discomfort? Introducing melody to the earlier sounds and rhythms will help children learn self-expression.

• Have them hum a tune or create a melody, adding emotion to sound.
• Experiment expressing sounds that are emotional: happy, sad, funny, etc.

Melody turns a sound into a personal and unique statement. By playing with sound, rhythm and melody our children discover a new vocabulary and tool to use for expression when words are hard to find.

We can use creativity and imagination to choose different styles of music by which our children can express their feelings, relax, stimulate their minds or allow their creative juices to flow. A variety of selections, rhythms, tones, and melodies allows children to develop their own musical tastes and sparks their natural curiosity to explore the world of music on their own.

About the Author
Dr. Caron Goode is a parenting expert who speaks and writes about how parents can nurture their children’s gift. Go to http://www.InspiredParenting.net to order *Nurture Your Child’s Gift, Inspired Parenting,* and sign up for the online parenting magazine. To discover your personal parenting styles, click on the Four Tool Every Parent Needs.

1. Encourage Questions
   Don’t answer every question, instead ask what do they think. Asking questions stimulates conversation between you and your child.

    

2. Don’t Criticize
   Criticism invites low self-esteem. Children feel that they have failed or disappointed their parents when they are criticized. Find alternate ways of correcting the problem. A child will likely shut down communication if they feel that their parents are not supportive.

    

3. Respect Your Child’s Opinions
   Your child is not an extension of you. Although it is difficult to accept at times, it is normal and healthy for your child to have their own opinion. Children who are confident in expressing their opinions are less likely to join gangs or succumb to peer pressure.

    

4. Teach Your Child To Embrace Diversity
   Encourage your child to learn about different cultures and ethnicities. A well informed child can will understand and respect other people’s values.

    

5. Teach Your Child To Set Personal Boundaries
   Children need to have their personal space respected in order for them to respect other people’s personal space. Help your child to establish their boundaries and insist that he/she enforce them with their peers.
6. Establish A Nurturing Environment
   Children thrive in environments in which they know they are loved and respected. Remind them every day that you love them and support them.

 

7. Understand Your Child’s Thinking Process
   In order for you to be an advocate for your child in school, you must know and understand how your child learns. Is he/she creative, logical, musical, spatial, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic? Know your child’s capabilities and accept their creativity. 

    

8. Let Them Think For Themsleves
   Encourage independent thinking. Let your child decide (within reason) what is appropriate for them. Give them enough room to make decisions, but also be there in case their plans don’t work out.

    

9. Teach Them Stress Management Skills
   Help your child to effectively deal with stress. Try not to contribute to their stress with demands and unrealistic expectations. Make learning fun!

    

10. Teach Your Child To Trust His/Her Instincts
    In order for children to be successful in life, they must learn how to trust their decisions. Your child needs to be confident in trusting his/her instincts and feelings. Children who trust themselves are less likely to participate in unhealthy behaviors.

About The Author
Marie Magdala Roker is a Family Coach and Certified Breakthrough Parenting Instructor. She is completing her Masters in Health Education at Columbia University’s Teachers College. She helps parents to reclaim their lives and students to unlock their academic potential. She is committed to helping build healthy families, one family member at a time.

Danny walks in the door after school the way he usually does: muddy footprints, abandoned backpack, half-eaten lunch, and jacket trailing him on the floor. His mother looks up at him, making that “tsk” sound that only mothers can produce quite that way, followed by a weary sigh. “Geez, Danny, why do you have to come in like a tornado?” Danny mocks her the way he always does when she makes this comment. Whirling around, he knocks several things off the counter on the way to his first destination, which is, of course, the refrigerator.

As his mother picks up the first wave of his debris from the floor, Danny busily creates another as he roots through the refrigerator, knocking over yogurt containers, spilling juice out of a pitcher, bruising apples, and leaving leftovers uncovered. This messy expedition yields a muffin—and a complaint that his mother never buys anything good to eat. He devours half the muffin in one bite, scattering crumbs all over the floor with a cough. As his Mom reaches down to scoop up the crumbs, he sees she’s none too pleased, but that doesn’t bother him as he carelessly rains more crumbs down on the floor.

She hates this piggish behavior, hates that he, sated by his muffin feast, will turn up his nose at a dinner she spent all day preparing. “Danny! Can’t you see that I’m making dinner?” she asks. “I wish you wouldn’t eat a bunch of snacks right now.”

Through a mouth filled with muffin number two, Danny mumbles something that sounds like “Whatever.”

“Honey, did you get the book you need for your book report?” Mom asks.

Ignoring her question, Danny asks, “Did you get me new shin guards for soccer?”

“No,” his mother responds. “I haven’t had time to get to the sports shop.”

Danny looks disgusted. “Geesh, Mom, whaddya DO all day around here? Watch soaps? You better go now, ‘cus I need those shin guards.”

His mother glances at the clock and shakes her head. “It’s too late now, but we can go after dinner.” He takes another bite of yet another muffin. “I asked you not to eat anything else!” she tries to grab the muffin, but Danny dances away from her, holding his muffin high. They both know that his recent growth spurt put the muffin way out of her reach. “Danny, stop it!” his mother complains.

“Danny, stop it!” he mimics gleefully in a grating singsong voice.

Heaving a resigned sigh, she decides it’s not worth a fight and ignores it. Instead, she picks up the so-called conversation where it had left off. “So, did you get the book?”

Danny peels back the muffin paper. “I already said ‘yeah.’ Whatsa matter—hearing aid need new batteries?”

His mother answers this rude remark the way she answers all of them. “Watch your mouth!” Especially disturbed by his recent desire to find humor about her hearing aid she adds, “You know I don’t appreciate you talking to me like that.” The only sound in the kitchen then comes from Danny, who is absentmindedly rumpling muffin papers.

Danny looks up at his mom. “Yo! I could use some milk with this…”

His mother glares at him, the unspoken words hanging in the air. “What do you say?” She can’t believe that at his age she would still have to remind him to say ‘please’.

Danny’s smart enough to read her warning sign, but not wise enough to understand the social impact of his rude manners. A sarcastic and belabored “Plllleeeeeease” spills out just below his wrinkled nose. Mom brings him a glass of milk, napkin, and plate. “I only asked for milk,” Danny grumbles. He tosses little muffin paper basketballs across the room toward the trashcan, decidedly blowing the three-pointers and littering the floor. As his mother cleans up crumbs and papers, she looks over at him and suggests, “Why don’t you start reading the book until dinner’s ready?”

Danny sighs and rolls his eyes. “I just got home. Gimme a break here.”

His mother takes a deep breath and shakes her head. “But, honey, you’re already behind on it…”

Danny gives her a look that says he thinks she’s stupid. “Would you shut up with the book already?”

Shocked and finally, deeply humiliated, his mother’s eyes widen with the sting of her son’s meanness. “Don’t talk to me that way, young man. I want you to sit down and read some of that book. I don’t know why you always wait until the very last minute to get started on your projects. Then you stay up ‘til midnight trying to finish, and you end up rushing…” She glances up to see Danny’s back as he’s walking out of the room.

On his way out, spoken in a very loud voice obviously for her benefit, she hears “Yadda, yadda, yadda,” followed by the din of the TV.

“Danny!” Mom calls, “Don’t sit down in front of that TV yet. Come set the table!”

“Why do I always have to do it?” he yells to no one in particular. And that is the end of that. From the volume he’s turned up on the TV, it’s obvious to his mother that she’ll be setting the table again tonight, and that all discussion on any subject is over. Mom roughly grabs a pile of plates off the counter and slams them on the table, complaining (to herself, I suppose), “I don’t know why you can’t be more polite and helpful…”

The Hidden Message
“You can be as disrespectful to me as you want; you’ll suffer no consequences whatsoever. I’ll do nothing to influence you to change your behavior, so we can continue on this way for the rest of our lives.”

Think About It
It’s offensive to hear a child act in such rude and disrespectful ways towards a parent. But the sad fact is that even good kids pick up this behavior from their peers, movies and TV shows. Many parents today are distressed at seeing this behavior in their own children, and they mistakenly believe themselves powerless to change their child’s behavior.

Most parents start off on the right foot—teaching toddlers to say “please” and “thank you.” Over time, however, tedious reminders and busy schedules interfere with continuing lessons. A few rude or disrespectful remarks slip by uncorrected, and soon a very unpleasant pattern emerges—a pattern that gets more difficult to break as the child ages. It’s like a smudge on the wall; if you walk by it often enough, you cease to notice it. And the longer it stays, the harder it is to remove.

The startling reality is that the disrespect itself is not the problem here, but merely a symptom of a much greater difficulty: on the child’s part, a failure to understand expectations and the hierarchy of authority…and on the parent’s part, a failure to communicate those expectations.

Changes You Can Make
The first step to correcting this disagreeable situation is to establish a firm and proper hierarchy of authority. In other words, it’s high time to let your kid know you’re the boss! To do this, first believe it yourself, and give yourself permission to be in charge. Absorb the truth that, for your child to grow into a responsible, civil, and successful adult, you must train, guide, and direct him during his growing years. You have just a few short years to establish a foundation upon which he will build his entire life.

Once you have decided to take control, begin by establishing clear expectations and rules for your child to follow. As Danny so painfully illustrates, if you have allowed your child to be rude and disrespectful without correction, you have indeed established clear expectations—all the wrong ones! Take a few giant steps back to toddlerhood and require that your child—whatever his age—say “please” “thank you” and “may I?” When he doesn’t, avoid that annoying cliché, “What do you say?” Instead, rephrase your child’s request in the way you’d like to hear it: “Danny, what I’d like to hear you say is, ‘May I please have some milk?’” If he doesn’t repeat his request in the way you’ve asked, let him eat his muffin dry. (If you decide to let him keep the muffin at all!) The key is to be indefatigable. Do not let one single disrespectful comment slide.

Let your child know what you’re up to. Admit that you have allowed his behavior to get out of control, but that it stops, and it stops today. Discuss your expectations, and make yourself perfectly clear. “I expect you to be polite and respectful to me and your Dad every single time you talk to us.”

Once you’ve established clear expectations and pleasantly corrected him for a week to two, you can take the next step. Make a list of your child’s privileges—freedom to use the TV, the telephone, and his bicycle, for example. The list can include dessert, car rides to friends’ homes, visits to and from friends, etc. (The list is endless.) Number the privileges on the list, and cross off items with each offense. The key is to then follow through with removal of privileges for the remainder of that week. Start each week with a fresh list, and a fresh start.

Another reason to get a kid like Danny on the right track—he may be acting tough on the outside, but on the inside he’s struggling with the knowledge that he really shouldn’t be treating people, especially his parents, in such rude ways. Most kids know that what they are doing is wrong, and they may wonder why no one is correcting them. Over time, this voice of conscience will fade, and the child will accept the rude demeanor as normal.

One final but extremely important point: make certain that YOU are using your best manners when you talk to your child. “Do what I say, not what I do” is simply not an effective parenting philosophy. Your actions as an appropriate role model are imperative to correcting this undesirable behavior.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

1. You cannot love, hug, kiss, cuddle, or hold your newborn too much. He needs your affection to feel safe in a world that’s all new to him.
2. This tiny person is totally dependent on you for everything in his life. He cannot survive without you.
3. Establish a routine. Your baby needs to be able to count on certain activities occurring around the same time each day. Feeding, naps, fun and affection should be a part of every schedule.
4. Sleepless nights may seem never-ending as your newborn awakens you with his cries. But time will fly by and your baby won’t be a baby for long. Treasure each moment of this experience.
5. Nobody can teach you how to be a parent. You will learn on the job. Trust your instincts. Nobody knows your baby better than you.
6. Being a parent will be the most challenging and most rewarding experience of your life. Cherish every day with your child.
7. A child is not a possession or a toy or someone to take for granted. A baby is a blessing.
8. Respect your child’s father or mother whether you’re still married to them or not. Your baby will remember how you treat each other. Children learn by example.
9. Being a parent is at minimum an 18 year commitment. You can’t quit halfway through.
10. Your life will never be the same. Respect the value of this little miracle and remember he will always be a part of you. Nothing in the world should compete with your commitment to love your child.

Resource Box – © Danielle Hollister (2000)

About the Author:
Danielle Hollister is the Writing Host at BellaOnline and Publisher of BellaOnline’s Writing Zine. To subscribe send mail to: bellaonlinewriting-subscribe@yahoogroups.com.