Question:
My son begged us incessantly for a dog. He promised he’d take care of it. Well, we finally got him the dog, but getting him to take care of his pet has become a daily battle. How do I get him to take responsibility for his pet?

Elizabeth Answers:
I certainly understand! My 7, 9 and 11 year old children recently were lucky enough to gain not one, but two (yes, two!) new puppies! As much as we’d like our kids to take over the pet care, we understand that children younger than age twelve simply don’t have the mental and physical ability to care for a pet on their own. They have good intentions, and a lot of love for their pets, but when it comes to daily care, it’s an enormous responsibility. I prefer to view this as an opportunity to teach our children responsibility. If you can accept that you will have to be a hands-on manager, and that your son will take over the pet care, little by little, as he gets older, you can all enjoy the benefits of having a family pet (or in my case – pets!)

Get organized:
With your help, have your child create a pet care chart. List everything that needs to be done on two separate lists, a daily list and weekly list. Copy the lists neatly on a large piece of poster board, each item followed by a series of boxes for check marks labeled by days of the week. Hang the poster in a conspicuous place, such as on your child’s bedroom door. Have him check off each box every day after the chore is completed. The chart serves two purposes. It gives your child a written “to do” list so that everything is remembered, and it provides the basis for developing a routine habit.

Create routines:
Tie pet care chores to other daily rituals to make them easier to remember. For example, feed the pet before dinner. That way, you can easily remind a child by saying, “As soon as the dog is fed, you’re welcome to have your dinner.”

Logical consequences:
Use logical consequences when a child forgets his pet chores. If your child forgets to feed his guinea pig in the morning, don’t allow him to take it out of the cage and play with it after school. If your child doesn’t pick up the dog poop in the yard, have him take the time to do it before he heads out to play. Teach your child that a pet’s care comes before playtime.

Make a Deal:
Let your child know in advance that if his pet care chores are not done when he leaves for school that you will do them for him. THEN, when he comes home from school, he can do a few of your chores. For example, if the dog’s food and water dishes are empty after your child leaves for the day, you fill them. When he returns home from school, show him the laundry basket full of socks and towels to be folded.

If All Else Fails:
If you’re already handling a majority of the pet care, and have to nag and plead for the kids to handle the rest, a simple change may get everyone’s attention. Announce that the pet is now going to be yours. Say something like this, “I have decided that Blackie is now going to be my dog. I will feed her and walk her and pick up her poop. If any of you kids want to play with her or walk her, you’ll need to ask me first. She will start sleeping in my room, beginning tonight.” When the kids cry and complain, tell them that five days from now you would be willing to reconsider. Spend the next five days being very possessive of Blackie. Take her with you when you leave the house, play happily with her in front of the children, deny the kids the right to take her for a walk, saying, “No thanks, I’ll do it myself.” After five days, and a major attitude adjustment on the part of the children, go back to using the above solutions to get them more involved in pet care. If this idea backfires, and the kids don’t seem to care, you’ll need to make a decision. Do you really want Blackie to be your dog? Or do you want to find her a new home? If you decide to sell the pet, don’t use this as a threat, simply announce that you feel it would be best for the dog to find it a new home, and then do it. Don’t be swayed by tears and promises if you’ve been through all of the above ideas and still find pet care to be a major issue.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

She opened with a question. “Mom! What are we having for dinner?”

“Well, hello to you, too, honey,” Judy said with a chuckle, leaning over to press a kiss on Jennifer’s cheek. “We’re having fish.”

“What kind?” asked Jennifer, chin raised in suspicion.

“Cod,” warily answered Judy. She knew the prosecution would begin straightaway.

Jennifer peered down her nose into the pan. “And how are you making it?” she inquired.

“I’m baking it. With lemon and seasoning,” Judy replied, trying to sound nonchalant about her gourmet cooking skills.

“But Mom,” Jennifer’s voice reflected the grimace on her face. “You know I HATE it that way! . . . Don’t you?”

Judy had to admit: the kid was good. But Judy held her own, patiently explaining that it was the family’s favorite. To which Jennifer responded, “But why can’t you just bread a few pieces for me?”

“Because,” Judy began, “it takes too much time and effort for the one small piece you’ll manage to eat.” Motion denied.

“Well, it can’t be that difficult!” wailed Jennifer. “Why don’t you just…”

“Jennifer! Stop with the fish already!” Judy interrupted. “It’s garbage day. Please collect the trash and take it out while I’m making dinner.”

“Why do I have to do it every time?” huffed Jennifer.

“It’s your job,” Judy countered over her objections.

“But it’s been my job forever,” pleaded Jennifer. “I don’t see why Jason can’t do it.”

Judy calmly listed Jason’s jobs and explained that he, too, had responsibilities.

Jennifer was not appeased by the alibis presented on Jason’s behalf. “Taking out the garbage for the whole family is just asking too much. It’s smelly and heavy and icky. I’d much rather sweep the kitchen floor. I think it’s time that we switched jobs.”

“I’ll think about it,” responded Judy distractedly, her fatigued head taking a little unscheduled adjournment.

“Well, why can’t you think about it right now?” hammered Jennifer.

“Because I’m making dinner right now.”

“So, you can’t make dinner and think at the same time?” asked Jennifer.

Judy closed her eyes, her hands going limp on the counter. Objection! She paused to restore order in the court that had taken over her kitchen, then looked over at Jennifer. “Will you just take out the trash and let me make dinner?”

“But you didn’t answer me! Why can’t we talk about this now?”

“Jennifer, please. Just do it.”

Jennifer, never ready to concede a case, shouted, “I’m sick and tired of taking out the garbage!”

Judy, her patience at its end, yelled back, “I don’t care! Just do the job!”

Jennifer’s volume also increasing, she bellowed, “I DON’T WANT TO!”

Judy slammed down the spoon she’d been holding. “I don’t care what you want, young lady! Take that trash out!”

Jennifer recognized her Mother’s danger zone, knew she’d be held in contempt soon if she didn’t back off. She roughly grabbed the kitchen trash (into which Judy was still tossing fish remnants) and stomped out of the kitchen, mumbling something about a dictatorship and unfairness on her way out.

The Hidden Message
“It takes two to argue, and I’m ready whenever you are!”

Think About It
If you have a child like Jennifer, and you’re constantly frustrated with her, it’s time for an exercise a wise old teacher once described: point your index finger in the classic way, and check out the three fingers now pointing back at you. In other words, you need to acknowledge and take responsibility for your own argumentative behavior before you attempt to correct your child’s. Every time you rationalize, explain and bicker with a child who is willing to deliberate every point, you give her more and more leeway in which to plead her case.

Consider the question a famous philosopher posed long ago—you know the one—that begins with, “If a tree falls in a forest…” and adapt it to Judy’s situation. If a tree argues with another tree that doesn’t argue back, is there indeed an argument?

Changes You Can Make
If you really want your child to stop arguing with you, give her less feedback when she begins her dispute process. Shut it right down by stating your case in a firm, authoritative manner—and then being quiet. Ignore the ensuing argumentative comments or simply repeat your original request. If you‘re too tempted to argue back then walk away for a few minutes and promise yourself you won’t let this issue turn into a two-way argument. Teach your child that your word is final. Realize that, when you do this, your very vocal child will have to complain a bit. But when you fail to respond to her, these arguments turn into harmless mumbling.

A different option is to change the tiring process of ‘arguing’ into a more productive mode of ‘debating’. The idea here is to adopt and enforce the standard rules for formal debate. Since some children really do enjoy the give-and-take of a debate, you can encourage this process—which is healthy and instructive in the right context—by setting limits. Let your child know which issues can and can’t be debated. Have a standard reply for a non-negotiable issue such as, “This is not open for discussion.” Let her know that raising of voices, name-calling or rude comments will not be accepted or acknowledged, and that each party must be given time to explain a point of view without interruption. To help her understand that these are universally accepted bylaws, show her books that instruct in the fine art of debate. Explain that debating is an extracurricular activity in many fine schools, and that a well-established set of rules governs the highly refined process. Amaze her with the fact that many perfectly sane people pay vast sums of money to learn the intricacies of that very process—in law school. Be sure, however, to show her how the process employed between parent and child differs from a standard court. In the High Court of Home, you are Supreme Court Judge—and you decide which things can be debated and which cannot, when an argument is concluded, and what the final decision will be, regardless of her finesse during the debate process.

One parenting skill that every parent of a Lawyer Wannabe would be wise to master, and use often, is offering choices instead of issuing commands. Kids with a ready answer to every statement often do very well when given a choice. In this story, if Judy would have revised her command —“Take out the trash while I’m making dinner”—into a choice—“Would you like to take out the trash now or after we eat?”—Jennifer may well have done the job without complain, since she has been given some control over her destiny. (If Jennifer concludes that she doesn’t want to do either, you can just smile and respond, “That wasn’t one of the choices. Now or after dinner?”)

Another way to reduce the number of times your Lawyer Wannabe takes on a case is to implement specific routines and rules in your home. As an example, if kitchen clean up and trash removal occurs immediately after the last bite of food is consumed at the table, and homework is done immediately after clean up, then your child will develop routine habits that leave less room for argument. In the same vein, having specific family rules that are agreed to and written down will create specific expectations between you.

A child’s desire to argue with a parent has its roots in the eternal childhood quest for power. And if she can provoke a spirited response from you, and open the floor for an argument between equal parties, she knows she has the power. You can take it away by implementing the procedures described in this chapter. Or you can choose to control how much power she has by setting limits to your debate or by giving her choices; this allows her the sense of control she’s after, while allowing you to retain firm grip on the gavel.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

“Dad! I’m home!” Melody announced her arrival from school in the typical way. “Where are you?’

“In my office, Mel,” Kevin answered. She ambled in, knowing she’d get a hug, a smile, and an inquiry about her day. After they exchanged greetings and Melody told him about her day at school, she turned to leave the room. Kevin stopped her. “Mel? Before you go out to play, would you mind picking up the dog doo in the yard? You know you’re suppose to do it in the morning before you leave.”

Melody wrinkled her nose. “Sorry, Daddy. I forgot. I’ll do it.”

A while later, Kevin finished his work. As he entered the kitchen to start dinner, he spotted Melody out on the swing set. He also spotted the various brown lumps decorating his lawn. Kevin opened the window and called out to remind his daughter, “Melody! Don’t forget to pick up the dog doo!”

“OK!” she answered back cheerfully.

Soon after, Kevin called Melody for dinner. “What do you say we eat outside? It’s really nice out.” As the two of them toted their food out to the picnic table, Kevin had to sidestep several doggie deposits. “Mel, this is really gross. I wish you’d get it picked up.”

“I’ll do it right after dinner. Promise.” Melody looked contrite, but her Dad looked unconvinced.

Dad and daughter enjoyed a very pleasant dinner, despite the canine ambiance, catching up on the day’s news and tossing around ideas for the upcoming weekend. As soon as they’d cleared the picnic table and tidied up the kitchen, Melody gathered up her homework and began studying diligently for her math test.

Kevin put his hand on her shoulder. “Honey…I’m really proud of you for being so conscientious about your homework. . . but are you ever going to pick up that dog doo?”

The Hidden Message
“If you can put up with the drone of my voice, go ahead and feel free to ignore me. I don’t plan to take any action about this issue at all.”

Think About It
An inescapable part of parenting is getting our children to do many things they’d rather not, like picking up dog doo, taking out trash, cleaning their rooms, and finishing homework. When a parent continues to remind, ask, beg, pester, and yes, nag a child about a task, but fails to follow through with any action, the parent actually gives the child an interesting choice: either listen to the nagging, or do the task. The child is free to decide that the minimal pain of listening to a parent beg over and over is a small price to pay for sidestepping the dreaded deed. And children often do, sometimes without realizing it.

All of Kevin’s comments to Melody are vague, and without any follow through action on his part he may as well say, “If you could manage to pick up the dog doo sometime before your next birthday, that would be really nice…”

Changes You Can Make
You can avoid falling into the nagging trap. Simply follow this four-step process:

1. Think;
2. Tell;
3. Warn;
4. Act.

1. Think. Before you ask your child to do something, think about exactly what you want, when you want it done, and how your child should proceed. Be clear about your purpose.
2. Tell. Once you’re certain about what you want, tell your child. Be specific. Avoid any phrase that makes your request sound optional. For example, “Melody, I would like the dog doo picked up before we sit down to dinner at 6:00.”
3. Warn. If the deadline looms and the requested task has not been completed, let your child know that you are aware of this, and remind her to get the job done. “Melody, dinner will be ready in ten minutes. You are to pick up the dog doo before we eat.”
4. Act. If the deadline has been reached and the task has not been performed, you have a wide variety of options that all come under the heading “Act.”A) You could nudge your child in the right direction either with physical help (Put the shovel and bucket in her hand and guide her out to the yard.)B) You could use a when-then statement (“Melody, I’ll be eating my dinner in the kitchen. When you have picked up the dog doo, then you may join me.”)C) You might follow through with a consequence (“Melody, since you didn’t do as I asked, you’ll be staying home after dinner instead of going to your friend’s house as you had planned.)

   D) If this is a repeat offense, you might invite your child to sit down for a heart-to-heart. Express your displeasure and your expectation. Brainstorm a solution to the problem. For example, you may decide that she needs to create a checklist and keep it posted in a prominent place, such as on the front of the refrigerator, so that she’ll remember to do her chore each day. Then hand her a piece of paper, a ruler and a box of markers and ask her to create the checklist then and there.

   E) You might choose to do it yourself. I know, I know—you’re thinking, “What!?!” But wait, you didn’t let me finish. Do it yourself and let her know which of your jobs she can do for you. (“It’s 6:00, and since you did not pick up the dog doo, I took the time to do it for you. Which means that, in return, you’ll take the time to pull the weeds for me after dinner.”)

Keep in mind that, if you already have demonstrated a gift for ‘gentle reminding, asking, nagging and hinting’, it will take some time to convince your child that you have changed. And she’ll only get the hint that you mean business if you’re consistent in employing the last step (“act”). If you repeat step 3 (“warn”), twice, three times, a dozen times … then you defeat the process and default into your old Nag Mode.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Question:
My child’s bedroom looks like it’s been put through a blender! I can’t see the carpet, and to walk through the room I have to dodge clothes, toys, and last week’s snack wrappers. My child doesn’t care, but I do. When I yell and threaten we sometimes end up with one day of cleanliness, but in no time at all, the disaster magically reappears. What can I do?

Think about it:
Every time you walk by the bedroom, the mess annoys you. You grumble and mumble until finally you reach the boiling point, and explode in anger. When you finally put your foot down, you discover that you and your child have vastly different definitions of “clean.” While you envision an immaculate and orderly room, your child may be perfectly happy as long as she can find her way to the bed without a road map. You obviously have conflicting goals. Try to find a long-term solution that works for both of you.

Organize:
When the bedroom has reached the point of a national disaster, the mess is overwhelming for your child. At this point, you may have to grit your teeth and help with the initial cleanup. Use plenty of boxes, baskets, or tubs to sort your child’s clothes and belongings. Label each container clearly (socks, books, school work, etc.). What happens next is most important. Initiate a daily cleanup time to prevent the buildup of another mess. Inspect every day after cleanup time. At that point use “Grandma’s Rule”: “As soon as your room is clean you may go out to play.” This rule is also known as the “When/Then” approach, “When you have cleaned your bedroom, then you may turn on the computer.”

Contract:
Sit down with your child and develop a bedroom-cleaning contract. Work together to define what constitutes a “clean room” in very specific terms: clothes in dresser and closet (either hanging or folded), books in bookcase, stuffed animals on top bunk, etc. You might even consider allowing a “messy corner” where she can toss things temporarily. Just make sure the corner is clearly sectioned off, such as a section of the closet. Once you’ve agreed on the terms for a “clean room,” choose a specific day of the week for cleaning. One schedule that works well for many families is to require a clean room Saturday prior to any activities or play time. Include a specific plan for what will happen if the room is not clean by the scheduled time. Write up the contract and have everyone sign the agreement. Post it and follow though.

Get serious:
If you’ve reached the end of your rope, and you’re really brave, pick a time when your child is away from home to do a more-than-thorough cleaning. Using baskets and shelves, neatly arrange the necessities and most favorite toys. Pack 90% of the stuff that litters the floor into small boxes. Store the boxes in the garage or attic. Display your child’s beautifully clean room and let her know she can earn back one box at a time at the end of each week that the room is kept clean. You can expect an outburst of hysterics, but stick to your guns. (If a school supply or a favorite toy is boxed by mistake, it would be okay to rescue it.)

Beautify:
Invest a weekend to clean and rearrange the bedroom. If possible, hang new curtains or cover the bed with a new bedspread. Pull a dresser out of the attic, or search a second-hand store for a new piece of furniture for her room. Let your child paint it however she’d like. Allow her to customize the walls with pictures or posters. Often, a fresh, new outlook like this will encourage a child to keep her “new” room neat and clean.

Transfer responsibility:
If your child is age ten or older, and a basically responsible kid, it’s okay to turn her bedroom over to her as practice for her first apartment experience. (Take a security deposit, if you feel you must.) Outline the basic rules, such as: how often the bed linens must be changed, how often the floor must be vacuumed, and what type of food is allowed in the room. Once the basic rules are agreed to, give your child the responsibility to care for her room, her way. You can pile any of her laundry or stray belongings by her door each day. Let her know that as long as the basic rules are followed, she’ll be in charge of her own room. (And if you can’t stand looking at the clutter, shut the door.)

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.