1. They are leaders as well as parents. They don’t rely on the schools, the government, television, the movies or music to teach their children values and the difference between right and wrong. They do it themselves.

2. They have a vision for their family and its future, one that is discussed and shared often. And they support the vision with clearly articulated, clarified and communicated values and beliefs. Every action, behavior, and decision is taken with those values and beliefs firmly in mind. They constantly emphasize the relationship between family successes and acting in accordance with the values and beliefs. They make a clear distinction between right and wrong. Everybody is clear on how things are to be done and why.

3. They are behavioral models for their children. Their behaviors reflect those that they want the kids to emulate. They are honest because they value honesty; open because they value openness; forgiving because they value forgiveness. They make tough decisions when necessary and they take responsibility for the results. They don’t just tell their children what to value and believe; they show them through words and deeds.

4. They enable their children. They communicate high, but achievable behavioral and performance expectations and provide the spiritual, emotional, physical, intellectual and financial resources the children need to successfully achieve them. They know that self-esteem is a function of achievement.

5. They talk with their kids, not at them. They develop feedback loops so the children can come to understand the impact of their behavior on others. They make sure the kids understand the relationship behavior and consequences. And they distinguish between the child and his or her behavior so, when there are problems, they unconditionally love the child while looking for a solution to the problem.

6. They take pains to understand how children develop. As the children are finding their way in the world these parents use a combination of maturity and skill to firmly direct when direction is needed; discuss when the circumstances merit; push the kids away when they are ready to make provisional tries when they are ready to and, finally; they set them free altogether. Through it all, the door is left open for the kids to come back if they needed to.

7. They take an active role in their children’s education, both formal and informal. They are active contributors to both the schools and communities. They enrich the home environment in every way they can. They go to concerts, games, on camping trips and, unfailingly, to the ceremonies that mark the graduations from one stage to the next.

8. Although their children are outstanding in any number of ways, these parents freely admit their kids were anything but perfect. They accept and openly talk about the fact that, while good kids, their children are just as prone as others to the vicissitudes of growing up and, on occasion, their behavior reflects that fact.

9. When the time comes, they discuss the future and provide appropriate advice and guidance regarding career and other life choices that children must eventually make.

10. Through it all they encourage independent, critical thinking so, in the final analysis, each child becomes his or her own person.

© Dr. Tom Olson 2004, all rights reserved Permission to reprint article granted as long as this signature remains intact.

About the Author
Dr. Tom Olson is the author of Don’t Die With Your Helmet On. Visit www.Dontdiewithyourhelmeton.com for more information about Dr. Tom, the book and his work. Contact Dr. Tom at info@dontdiewithyourhelmeton.com.

Children are under tremendous pressure to succeed, and parents feel tremendous pressure to help them succeed. But what does success mean? Going to the right school? Getting straight As in all subjects? Winning an athletic scholarship? Sure, those are laudable goals, but they may not necessarily mean your child will be happy or feel successful. To me, success means helping our children understand who they are, giving them opportunities to discover what interests them, and guiding and supporting their attempts to use their gifts to their fullest potential.

That said, parents need to keep in mind that all children are different. They come into this world with their own unique personality, temperament, skills, and interests. Parents must help each individual child find his or her own interests.

We can also help our kids become self-reliant by helping them to learn to make decisions for themselves. Heaven knows, we are not going to be around to do things for them forever. Self-reliance is the umbrella that enables children to know themselves, accept themselves (i.e., their strengths and weaknesses), and develop the confidence to make the best possible choices for themselves. Learning to make sound decisions means giving your kids the opportunity to try new things, allowing them some freedom to make their own choices, and helping them accept and learn from their mistakes.

Teaching kids to be self-reliant also involves helping them learn to accept life’s inevitable losses as well as wins. When our kids win or succeed we always give them a hearty congratulations and let them know how proud we are of them. And while we praise their performance, we also make sure they know we are really proud of them for trying so hard and winning. When they don’t succeed, we do the very same thing: We give them a big hug and a warm congratulations and we let them know that we value them, their hard work, and their great sportsmanship. We look for them to do their best — win or lose — and use the gifts God gave them to their fullest potential.

Share Your Own Losses
One of the best ways we can teach our kids the value of success and failure is by sharing our own successes and failures. When my kids lose an important game or do poorly on a test, I recall the story of when I lost in an important tennis match. After getting into the finals of a championship, my doubles partner and I lost. Was I disappointed, my kids want to know? Of course. But it didn’t stop me from continuing to enjoy tennis and play in matches.

Kids need to know that failing — or not winning — is part of playing the game. We all lose some and win some. Kids need to become comfortable with both the idea and the reality that practice is necessary, that we are not perfect, and that there is always another chance to get another, perhaps better, result.

Reprinted from Woman First, Family Always: Real-Life Wisdom from a Mother of Ten by Kathryn Sansone. Copyright © 2006 Kathryn Sansone. Published by Meredith Books; January 2006; $24.95US/$34.95CAN; 069622832-7

About the Author
Kathryn Sansone has captured national attention for her heartwarming and hands-on approach to managing motherhood and life. She has been interviewed for Inside Edition and magazines such as Parents, Fit Pregnancy, and Child, and been honored as Chief Everything Officer by America Online. Kathryn lives in St. Louis with her husband, Jim, and their ten children, ranging in age from eight months to eighteen years. For more information, please visit www.kathrynsansone.com.

About 90 percent of couple’s experiences an increase in stress after their children are born. And the number one stressor, by far, is the division of labor in the home. Unfortunately, even the most egalitarian couples tend to slip into traditional roles, which mean that you’ll probably end up doing more of the housework and childcare than your partner.

Research shows that the more equitably domestic tasks are distributed, the happier wives (and husbands) are with their marriages. So resolving these issues may be critical to the health and success of your relationship. How are you going to do it? Well, if your goal is to make the division of labor around your house fairer to you, take a deep breath and read on.

1. Look at it from his perspective
Researchers have found that women tend to measure what their husbands do around the house against what they do. Not surprisingly, on that kind of scale, most men fail miserably. Men themselves, though, compare what they do to what their fathers—and sometimes even against their male friends and coworkers—do. Using this standard, most husbands feel pretty satisfied with themselves and their contributions around the house.

2. Don’t ask for help
Just as men need to re-think their family roles as “assistants” to mothers, women need to change their ideas about what’s reasonable to expect from their partners. Asking him for “help” only reinforces the view that he shouldn’t have much responsibility for the care and management of children. Of course, that doesn’t you shouldn’t ask him to do his share, of course he should. Asking for “help” makes it seem like whatever he’s “helping” with is really your job and that you should be grateful.

3. Adjust your standards
Let’s face it, men and women often have very different standards. “When my husband says the kitchen is clean he means that the dishes are in the dishwasher,” says one mother. “The counter can still be filthy and the floor can still be covered with dirt.” Adjusting your standards to his level doesn’t mean that the kids will be wearing the same clothes every day. Also, there are a lot of different ways to change diapers, play, teach, and entertain the children. Yours isn’t always the right one. The fact is that if you adjust your standards, your husband will be more involved in the household and with the kids. No child ever suffered a long term trauma by having her diaper put on a bit looser than it should be or by going out of the house with oatmeal stuck in her hair. It’s hard to shift standards because for many women attention to domestic issues is part of their upbringing and part of they define themselves.

4. Go on strike
The days of the “second shift” where women try to do it all—work outside all day and do all the work at home, too—are over. Let your spouse or partner know that you have limits. A well-timed “your arm’s not broken, do it yourself” may occasionally be a helpful reminder that men and women are partners in parenting.

Because you may begin to notice the unswept coffee grounds before he does, one of your biggest challenges may be to close your eyes to the mess and stick to your guns. Your partner will certainly get the message when he runs out of clean underwear. But if he senses that you’ll give in before he does, he’ll never learn to do his part.

5. Be (a little) insincere
As a group, men generally dislike doing things that make them feel incompetent. At the same time, they’re suckers for compliments. So, one of the best ways to get your partner to do something he doesn’t like to do is to praise him even when you know you could do it better. Television characters from Lucy Ricardo to Roseanne Conner figured this out long ago, and the same applies in real life: sweet-talk soothes; nagging only irritates. Tell him what a great job he’s doing already and ask him to do the same thing again. Indirect compliments are effective too—let him hear you raving to a friend about how well he’s done some recent task. Sound manipulative? Maybe but it works. The more he feels that you’re noticing and appreciating his efforts, the more he’ll do. Guaranteed.

6. Don’t be a gatekeeper
Many women tend to take charge of the household and childcare domains because this is the one arena that they can still control. But far too many women are so intent on keeping control of the household that they don’t leave enough space for their partners to participate. For other women, control is not the issue, they just assume that men are either uninterested or incompetent. And men get the message: many find it easier to just back off. Your partner is part of the first generation of fathers to be seriously expected to take an active role in the home. By the time women become mothers, most have had years of subtle (or not so subtle) training. Female role models are plentiful, as are resources, from women’s magazines to breastfeeding guides. But good male role models are rare, as is information specifically designed to help men prepare for fatherhood. The moral of the story? Even if you know how to stop the baby from crying, let your partner try to figure it out for himself before jumping in. Men and women have different approaches to the same issue and fathers need the confidence that only comes with practice. Letting him develop his own parenting style will also give your family twice as many baby-care options.

Especially after divorce, mothers need to open the gates and let their children have access to their fathers. It is important to remember that they may be ex-husbands but they’ll never be ex-fathers.

7. Share and share alike
No single job in your home is any more valuable than any other, so assign everything to the most qualified person—unless, of course, that turns out to be completely unfair. So make a list of everything that needs to get done. If you’re good at something or like to do it, it’s yours. (At the same time, your partner gets to do his chores his way.)

Another option is to assign tasks to whichever of you cares the most. If a scummy bathtub bugs you more than it does him, clean it yourself. If he hates crumbs on the carpet, he gets to vacuum. Problems can arise, though, when one of you says, “Gee honey, nothing bothers me,” and the other gets stuck doing it all. These situations call for careful negotiation. You can do the more unpleasant jobs together or, if the budget permits, hire someone to do them for you. And just to make sure that everyone gets to have fun, switch responsibilities once in a while (if for no other reason than to get a better appreciation of what the other does). And be willing to bend gender stereotypes along with your partner. If you expect him to plan a meal and cook it, you should be prepared to unclog the toilet or change the oil in the car.

8. Re-define work
When dividing up responsibilities many couples have trouble defining what, exactly, the term “work” means. In many families, for example, couples err by neglecting to give parenting the same weight as ordinary chores. Yet childcare takes at least as much time, and may be just as tiring, as shopping and mopping. So even if your partner is wrestling with the baby while you’re making dinner, things might not be as unequal as they seem. True, he may be having more fun but somebody has to do it. And if he plays with the baby today, he can fix dinner tomorrow while you wrestle.

The New Man may strike you as a great idea. But the Old Man has been around for tens of thousands of years, and he’s not going to disappear overnight. Even in these relatively enlightened times much of the domestic burden is going to continue to fall on you. But not all of it, and not all the time. You may need to give your expectations a reality check. Change between you and your partner may be slow. But if you work it out, you’ll see significant improvement—in your workload, in the quality of your marriage, and in your life together as parents.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.