You probably remember the ease of your first baby. It was you and your partner, bringing home your newborn son or daughter and starting a new life with just the three of you. You had extended family, but the bonding that occurred was simple, problem free. However, now that you are having another baby you may be feeling some discontent from your previous child or children, or you may be worried about how they will react once the baby is born.

Kids have different opinions and reactions when their parents tell them that they are going to have a new baby brother or sister. Some kids are very excited, others get scared or act out at the prospect of having to share you with another child. Whether your children are excited or not, there are ways to make the transition smoother.

Depending on the age of your other children, you may want to have them in the delivery room with you, witnessing the birth. Some kids will be comfortable with this, others won’t. If they are old enough but do not want to be in, having them in the hospital so that they can visit you during labor, and see the baby immediately after he is born is a good way to help your older child bond with the new baby.

Some people choose to have a gift for their child from the new baby, especially if it is the first sibling. A gift that says “I love you”, or “The Best Big Brother/Big Sister”. This will help the bonding start between the siblings.

It is important to let your child hold the new baby as soon as possible so that they know this is real. Even if your child is young, letting them sit on the bed with you, while you hold the baby and letting them hold the babies hand, rub the babies head, or sing to the baby, will help him build a connection with this new person in his life.

Remember that no matter how excited your child seemed about this new sibling while you were pregnant, now that it is “real” the excitement might go away. Your child might become clingy. It is important that you let them know they are loved by making time to spend with just the two of you during the day, possibly while your newborn is napping. Your older child will adjust to this new baby over time. Just remember to have patience with him and everything will work out ok.

by Danna Henderson

Potty training can be a stressful experience for you and your child. It’s best to start potty training when your child has an established daily routine and is not dealing with any additional stress. Potty training should be the only major change in your child’s life.

If your child is showing signs of potty training readiness, ask yourself if any of the following situations exist:

New baby – Although the thought of double diaper duty may be overwhelming, your child needs time to adapt to the new baby before you begin potty training.

Divorce or Separation – Divorce or separation is always stressful for children. Your child may be living in two different homes or under two separate sets of rules. When things calm down, share your potty training plan so that you are both aware of the other person’s plan and can work together for the benefit of your child.

New daycare/babysitter – If your child has recently switched day cares or baby-sitters, wait a couple of weeks/months (depending on how your child adapts) before you start potty training.

New bedroom or bed – Small changes, like a new bedroom or bed, can have a big impact on your child. Wait until your child has adapted to his new bed before you begin potty training.

Copyright © 2004 ZIP Baby. All Rights Reserved.

Danna Henderson
ZIP Baby
101 Convention Center Drive, Ste 700
Las Vegas, NV 89109
www.zipbaby.com

About The Author
Danna Henderson started ZIP Baby in order to provide parents with comprehensive potty training information as well as a large variety of potty training products. For more information about potty training, visit the ZIP Baby Potty Training Store.

by Armin Brott

For a lot of couples, the question about whether to have another child isn’t really a question, it’s a given. For others, though, the issue is more complicated. And most of the problems have to do with exactly what you’re going through in your home: one spouse wants a second (or third) child while the other isn’t nearly as excited about the prospect. Unfortunately, there’s no easy solution to this problem.

The time crunch is a common concern of prospective second-time parents. But it’s usually not the only thing they’re worried about. So sit down and make a list of other factors as well. You might want to start with these:

• Finances. Can you really afford to have another baby? If you answer No, does not having enough money really make a difference for you?
• Your own childhood. Were you an only child or did you have brothers and sisters? How did you like growing up that way?
• Ability to love more than one child. Are you worried that you won’t be able to love your second child as much as the first one? While this is an incredibly common worry, the simple answer is that your capacity to love your children–no matter how many you have–is infinite.
• Labor and delivery. Are you worried about putting your partner through another painful pregnancy and labor? Since she’s the one going through it, leave that decision to her. Consider, though, that while being a parent is exhausting enough, trying to be a parent while you’re pregnant is something altogether different. Is that OK for your partner or not?
• Your firstborn. Do you have a child with a difficult temperament? If so, keep in mind that your next child’s temperament may not exactly mirror your firstborn’s.

When you’ve put your list together and had a chance to think through each of your concerns, schedule a time to talk them over with your wife. You’ll probably find that even though she’s more gung-ho than you are right now, she shares many of them with you.

About the Author
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

By Elizabeth Pantley, Author of No Cry Sleep Solution

Question:
Our first-born is showing extreme jealousy towards the new baby. He’s obviously mad at us for disrupting the predictable flow of his life with this new challenger for our attention. How can we smooth things out?

Think about it:
Before the baby entered your family, your toddler was told he’d have a wonderful little brother to play with, and how much fun it would be. Then the little brother is born and your toddler is thinking, “Are you kidding me? This squirming, red-faced baby that takes up all your time and attention is supposed to be FUN?” He then “plays” with the baby in the only ways he knows how. He plays catch. You yell at him for throwing toys at the baby. He plays hide-and-seek. You yell at him to get the blanket off the baby. He gives the kid a hug, and you admonish him to be more careful. Is it any wonder that your toddler is confused?

Teach:
Your first goal is to protect the baby. Your second, to teach your older child how to interact with his new sibling in proper ways. You can teach your toddler how to play with the baby in the same way you teach him anything else. Talk to him, demonstrate, guide and encourage. Until you feel confident that you’ve achieved your second goal, however, do not leave the children alone together. Yes, I know. It isn’t convenient. But it is necessary, maybe even critical.

Hover:
Whenever the children are together, “hover” close by. If you see your child about to get rough, pick up the baby and distract the older sibling with a song, a toy, an activity or a snack. This action protects the baby while helping you avoid a constant string of “Nos,” which may actually encourage the aggressive behavior.

Teach soft touches:
Teach the older sibling how to give the baby a back rub. Tell how this kind of touching calms the baby, and praise the older child for a job well done. This lesson teaches the child how to be physical with the baby in a positive way.

Act quickly:
Every time you see your child hit, or act roughly with the baby, act quickly. You might firmly announce, “No hitting, time out.” Place the child in a time-out chair with the statement, “You can get up when you can use your hands in the right way.” Allow him to get right up if he wants – as long as he is careful and gentle with the baby. This isn’t punishment, after all. It’s just helping him learn that rough actions aren’t going to be permitted.

Demonstrate:
Children learn what they live. Your older child will be watching as you handle the baby and learning from your actions. You are your child’s most important teacher. You are demonstrating in everything you do, and your child will learn most from watching you.

Praise:
Whenever you see the older child touching the baby gently, make a positive comment. Make a big fuss about the important “older brother.” Hug and kiss your older child and tell him how proud you are.

Watch your words:
Don’t blame everything on the baby. “We can’t go to the park; the baby’s sleeping.” “Be quiet, you’ll wake the baby.” “After I change the baby I’ll help you.” At this point, your child would just as soon sell the baby! Instead, use alternate reasons. “My hands are busy now.” “We’ll go after lunch.” “I’ll help you in three minutes.”

Be supportive:
Acknowledge your child’s unspoken feelings, such as “Things sure have changed with the new baby here. It’s going to take us all some time to get used to this.” Keep your comments mild and general. Don’t say, “I bet you hate the new baby.” Instead, say, “It must be hard to have Mommy spending so much time with the baby.” or “I bet you wish we could go to the park now, and not have to wait for the baby to wake up.” When your child knows that you understand her feelings, she’ll have less need to act up to get your attention.

Give extra love:
Increase your little demonstrations of love for your child. Say extra I love yous, increase your daily dose of hugs, and find time to read a book or play a game. Temporary regressions or behavior problems are normal, and can be eased with an extra dose of time and attention.

Get ‘em involved:
Teach the older sibling how to be helpful with the baby or how to entertain the baby. Let the older sibling open the baby gifts and use the camera to take pictures of the baby. Teach him how to put the baby’s socks on. Let him sprinkle the powder. Praise and encourage whenever possible.

Making each feel special:
Avoid comparing siblings, even about seemingly innocent topics such as birth weight, when each first crawled or walked, or who had more hair! Children can interpret these comments as criticisms.

Take a deep breath and be calm.
This is a time of adjustment for everyone in the family. Reduce outside activities, relax your housekeeping standards, and focus on your current priority, adjusting to your new family size.

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.