There are few thoughts as terrifying as the abduction of your young child by a stranger. The fear causes parents to think long and hard about their children’s safety. They tell them in a very clear voice, “Do not to talk to strangers.”

The problem is though, that a child’s view of a stranger is very different from a parent’s view. From the child’s perspective, because a stranger is someone they are supposed to be afraid of, they expect a stranger to look ugly or scary. In fact, few, if any strangers actually look like the child’s notion. Then to make matters more confusing for children, we teach then to respect and listen to their elders and be polite. Then as role models, children see us talk to people we have never met before, day in and day out.

So young children get it and will not to talk to strangers. They will very willingly avoid scary looking people. However, when confronted by a friendly, kind looking older person, they will likely respond politely, which in most cases means “speaking when spoken to” and as they are taught in school, they will follow their directions.

Helping young children not to talk to strangers or not go with them, takes much more than the simple admonishment, “Don’t talk to strangers.”

Parents who want to increase the likelihood that their child will avoid or leave from persons unknown must spend a good amount of time talking about the issue and teaching their children on an ongoing basis. These tips may help:

When out in the community, in a matter of fact voice, point out the various people and ask your child if s/he knows them. Use this as an opportunity to explain that a stranger is any person we do not know, regardless of what they look like.

Next it becomes very important to differentiate the rules for grown-ups and the rules for children. Sometimes simply phasing it as, “Are you old enough to talk to people you don’t know by yourself?” and then explain that they must have your permission to do so.

In the event a stranger approaches a child, they then must be equipped with strategies to manage the situation. Some parents provide a “code word.” Explain to the child if someone doesn’t know the code word, they do not have permission to go or talk with the person. In such situations, the child must be instructed to leave the person and immediately go to another adult they know, or older child if an adult is not available. It important to also teach the child that this is not rude. The child must understand that they have your full permission to leave the situation and to do so immediately. Managing your child’s safety, in your absence is truly a scary thought for most parents. We do not want to put undue fear in our children, but we do want to keep them from harm. It is important to understand how our own behaviour may contradict what we want children to do when approached by people they do not know. We have to talk about the difference between what parents may do and what children may do. Only parents may touch the stove… only parents talk to strangers.

Finally, in addition to teaching who NOT to talk to, we must also teach, who they CAN talk to. If for instance, your child is lost in the store, who can they talk to? Develop a list of safe persons your child can talk to – even if they do not know them. The list may include police, fireman, teachers and even cashiers in stores. Remember keeping children safe is an ongoing discussion and not a simple one-time set of rules.

Keep talking with them to keep them safe.

Gary Direnfeld, MSW
garydi@sympatico.ca
905 628-4847

About The Author
Gary Direnfeld is a social worker and expert on matters of family life. He is in private practice, writes and provides workshops and is the developer of the “I Promise Program” – teen safe driving initiative. Search his name on GOOGLE.COM to view his many articles. Feel free to call him for your next conference and for expert opinion on family matters. Courts in Ontario consider Gary an expert on child development, marital and family therapy, custody and access recommendations and social work. garydi@sympatico.ca.

Question
My baby is only happy when I’m within arm’s reach. If I dare to leave the room, she cries as if I’ve left the country! I can’t even so much as take a shower these days, let alone leave the house without her. My mother-in-law says it’s because I’ve spoiled her. Is she right? Have I made her so clingy?

Nothing you’ve done has “made” your baby develop separation anxiety. It’s a perfectly normal and important developmental adaptation. Nearly all children experience separation anxiety between the ages of seven and 18 months. Some have more intense reactions than others, and for some, the stage lasts longer than others, but almost all babies have it to some degree.

The development of separation anxiety demonstrates that your baby has formed a healthy, loving attachment to you. It is a beautiful sign that your baby associates pleasure, comfort, and security with your presence. It also indicates that your baby is developing intellectually (in other words, she’s smart!) She has learned that she can have an effect on her world when she makes her needs known, and she doesn’t have to passively accept a situation that makes her uncomfortable. She doesn’t know enough about the world yet to understand that when you leave her you’ll always come back. She also realizes that she is safest, happiest, and best cared for by you, so her reluctance to part makes perfect sense ¾ especially when viewed from a survival standpoint. Put another way: You are her source of nourishment, both physical and emotional; therefore, her attachment to you is her means of survival, and when she reaches a certain level of intellectual maturity, she realizes this.

This stage, like so many others in childhood, will pass. In time, your baby will learn that she can separate from you, that you will return, and that everything will be okay between those two points in time. Much of this learning is based on trust, which, just as for every human being young or old, takes time to build.

How do I know if my baby has separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is pretty easy to spot, and you’re probably reading this section because you’ve identified it in your baby. The following are behaviors typically demonstrated by a baby with normal separation anxiety:

• Clinginess
• Crying when a parent is out of sight
• Strong preference for only one parent
• Fear of strangers (Also see Stranger anxiety, page XX)
• Waking at night crying for a parent
• Easily comforted in a parent’s embrace

How you can help your baby with separation anxiety

• Allow your baby to be a baby. It’s perfectly okay — even wonderful — for your baby to be so attached to you and for her to desire your constant companionship. Congratulations, Mommy or Daddy: It’s evidence that the bond you’ve worked so hard to create is holding. So politely ignore those who tell you otherwise.
• Don’t worry about spoiling her with your love, since quite the opposite will happen. The more that you meet her attachment needs during babyhood, the more confident and secure she will grow up to be.
• Minimize separations when possible. It’s perfectly acceptable for now ¾ better, in fact ¾ to avoid those situations that would have you separate from your baby. All too soon, your baby will move past this phase and on to the next developmental milestone.
• Give your baby lessons in object permanence. As your baby learns that things continue to exist even when she can’t see them, she’ll feel better about letting you out of her sight. Games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek will help her understand this phenomenon.
• Practice with quick, safe separations. Throughout the day, create situations of brief separation. When you go into another room, whistle, sing, or talk to your baby so she knows you’re still there, even though she can’t see you.
• Don’t sneak away when you have to leave her. It may seem easier than dealing with a tearful goodbye, but it will just cause her constant worry that you’re going to disappear without warning at any given moment. The result? Even more clinginess, and diminished trust in your relationship.
• Tell your baby what to expect. If you are going to the store and leaving her at home with Grandma, explain where you are going and tell her when you’ll be back. Eventually, she’ll come to understand your explanations.
• Don’t rush the parting, but don’t prolong it, either. Give your baby ample time to process your leave-taking, but don’t drag it out and make it more painful for both of you.
• Express a positive attitude when leaving her. If you’re off to work, or an evening out, leave with a smile. Your baby will absorb your emotions, so if you’re nervous about leaving her, she’ll be nervous as well. Your confidence will help alleviate her fears.
• Leave your baby with familiar people. If you must leave your baby with a new caregiver, try to arrange a few visits when you’ll all be together before you leave the two of them alone for the first time.
• Invite distractions. If you’re leaving your baby with a caregiver or relative, encourage that person to get your baby involved with playtime as you leave. Say a quick good-bye and let your baby be distracted by an interesting activity.
• Allow your baby the separation that she initiates. If she crawls off to another room, don’t rush after her. Listen and peek, of course, to make sure that she’s safe, but let her know it’s fine for her to go off exploring on her own.
• Encourage her relationship with a special toy, if she seems to have one. These are called transitional objects or lovies. They can be a comfort to her when she’s separated from you. Many babies adopt blankets or soft toys as loveys, holding them to ease any pain of separation. The lovey becomes a friend and represents security in the face of change.

Don’t take it personally. Many babies go through a stage of attaching themselves to one parent or the other. The other parent, as well as grandparents, siblings and friends can find this difficult to accept, but try to reassure them that it’s just a temporary and normal phase of development and with a little time and gentle patience it will pass.Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

As your baby gets bigger and more aware of the world around him, he becomes more attached to his mom and dad, knowing that they are his caretakers, the ones that will clothe him, feed him, and keep him safe. He knows that as long as he is in your arms that no harm will come to him. He understands that as long as you are together then no one can take you away from him, or him from you.

Stranger anxiety is your babies’ first real fear. Not only is it a fear of being taken from you, but it is a fear of you being taken from him. It normally happens around 7-8 months of age, and lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Generally anyone that the baby see’s on a very regular basis will be immune from the screaming, while people that he doesn’t know, or only see’s on the rare occasion will be met with tears and terrified screaming. There are some things that you can do to make it easier for your baby though.

1. Try not to leave your baby with a complete stranger. If you have to leave your baby with a new sitter then plan on getting to the sitters house at least 20 minutes early. The earlier the better to help your baby get acquainted to his caregiver and help make the transition of you leaving easier.

2. Have get togethers at your house. Instead of going to someone else’s house during the holidays, have family and friends over to your house. That way when your baby needs a time out, away from everyone, they have a familiar place to go to — their own bed.

3. Warn your friends and family ahead of time about this phase. You don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by having your baby scream in their face, so let everyone know ahead of time, and also ask them to stay back a bit from your baby when they first come in. Give your baby some time and space to be able to watch everyone around him, before he has to interact with them.

4. Don’t hand off baby immediately. Going along with number three above, hold your baby close to you when you enter a new place and don’t hand him off to anyone unless he acts like he wants to go. Don’t force your baby to be with anyone he doesn’t want to be with.

These are four easy rules to remember to help your baby get through the stranger anxiety period. It is also possible that your baby will react badly at first to you or your partner, if the other one is home with them full time during the day. It is easy for a baby to attach himself to the person there the most, and shut out other people. Don’t take it personal, instead remember that it is just a phase that your baby is going through and like so many other phases, it will pass and your baby will soon be raising his arms and running to you when he sees you enter the room.