by Armin Brott

Dear Mr. Dad: My two-year-old son has started having temper tantrums. The ones that happen at home are no fun, but the ones that happen in public places—like the supermarket—are downright embarrassing. Is there anything I can do about this problem?

Armin answers: Temper tantrums are most common among two and three-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase “terrible twos” was invented. Experts have found that kids this age have tantrums because their strong wills and their desire for things outstrips their ability to express their emotions in words. Tantrum are an emotional release, which, as you well know, are characterized by screaming, crying, and kicking. The most impressive ones often involve some kind of thrashing around on the floor.

Generally speaking, the best way to deal with any tantrum—public or private—is to ignore it and let it take its course. Giving in to your son’s temper only reinforces the behavior: effectively saying to him that if he misbehaves, he’ll get what he wants. I know it’s hard, but fight the urge to give in.

Of course, ignoring a tantrum isn’t always possible. If it happens in a public place, for example, try to remove your son from the scene. If you can, take him outside to the car and let him scream it out there. The point here is to show your son that you won’t tolerate that kid of behavior.

Another effective way to deal with tantrums is to head them off at the pass. Say you’re in a store and your son starts asking for candy. He’s tired and you know that a negative response might push him over the brink. Offer him a compromise. Tell him he can’t have the candy now, but as soon as you get home you’ll make a big bowl of pudding together, or play his favorite game.

And speaking of being tired, fatigue and irritability are often the precursors to tantrums. So if it’s nap time, skip that stop at the grocery store and head straight for home. Finally, make sure your son knows what’s expected of him at all times and praise his good behavior every chance you get. Knowing he’s pleasing you will probably make him want to do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

by Elizabeth Pantley, Author of Perfect Parenting and Kid Cooperation

You’ve all been there. Your child isn’t getting his way. He’s crying, yelling, and stomping. As a frustrated parent, you may know, that temper tantrums are a normal childhood reaction to anger and frustration. But knowing this does not make it easier when your child’s ballistic contortions are punctuated by her piercing screams. While it’s normal for your child to have tantrums, your response to them will determine if she keeps having them and having them and having them…

Here are a variety of different ideas that may help you curb your child’s tantrums.

Create a Tantrum Place:
Let your child know in advance that all tantrums will take place in one specific room, such as her bedroom, the bathroom, or the laundry room. When a tantrum starts, you can escort your child to the “tantrum room” with one brief comment, “You can come out when you’re done.” If she comes out of the room, and she’s still having the tantrum, just lead her back repeating, “You can come out when you’re done.” At first your child may spend the whole day in the tantrum room, but she’ll quickly find out that tantrums are no fun without an audience!

Help develop self-control:
If your child has tantrums and can’t seem to calm herself down, it’s best to teach her how to control herself. Do this by enveloping her in a hug and rocking her with soothing words, “It’s okay. Calm down.” When the tantrum is winding down, distract her by washing her face or giving her a drink of water. Do not give in to the child’s original request, and stay calm yourself. At a quiet time, begin to teach your child what to do when she gets angry (explain to her what words and actions are appropriate).

Take away the audience:
As long as your child’s tantrum is not dangerous to her or to property, feel free to say, “I’m leaving the room. Come and get me when you’re done.” And do just that. Busy yourself with something else, and wait patiently for your child to calm down.

Big-kid tantrums? Make an agreement with an older child who displays tantrum behavior that when she starts to lose control, you’re going to ask her to go to her room to cool off. If she doesn’t go immediately to her room when asked, she will lose a privilege (decide in advance what that might be—telephone, TV, or bike riding, for example) or she’ll be assigned an extra chore. This is, of course, in addition to the fact that she still gets to go to her room to calm down.

Use distraction:
When you see your child beginning to lose control, distract her before the tantrum can turn into a full-blown outburst. When you see frustration mounting quickly direct your child to a different activity. Often this is enough to keep a child from having a tantrum.

Preventative measures:
Avoid tantrums by offering your child choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first—put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” In addition, you may be able to elude tantrums by avoiding the situations that most likely set your child off, such as allowing her to become overtired, over-hungry or over-stimulated. For example, running a string of errands which occur during your toddler’s normal nap-time is sure to end with an over-tired child who displays little patience for one more stop before heading home to bed.

Take note:
If your child has frequent intense tantrums it would be wise to talk with your pediatrician, a counselor or a family therapist.

What about public tantrums? Handling tantrums at home is one thing. But what about in public? What if your child yells, stomps, screams, and throws his body onto the floor when he doesn’t get his way. This is frustrating and embarrassing when you’re in a place like the grocery store, toy store, restaurant, or anywhere there’s an interested audience. You may feel like your hands are tied when everyone’s watching you, but this is the key to future problems.

Think about it. The first time your child acted this way in public, you were probably caught off guard. In your embarrassment, you did everything you could to stop the tantrum. If you had looked closely, you would have seen a little twinkle appear in your child’s eye as he realized he discovered a new way to get what he wants. Instead of finding yourself in this situation over and over again, try the following tips for curbing public tantrums.

Prepare in advance:
Use a preventive approach by reviewing desired behavior prior to entering a public building. “Eric, we’re going into the toy store now. We are going to buy a birthday gift for Troy. We are not buying anything for ourselves today. If you see something you like, let me know, and I’ll put it on your wish list. I want you to remember to walk beside me and keep your hands to yourself.”

Be reasonable:
While you may be concentrating on your tasks, your child has been shoved in and out of his car seat and ushered from place to place enduring endless hours looking at grown up knees. You may be able to prevent tantrums by bringing along a toy or snack to keep your child occupied. Also, get him involved by having him select groceries, find the shoe store, read the menu to you, or any other “busy work”. The positive attention and focused activity will keep him too busy to worry about having a tantrum.

Get out of dodge:
When a tantrum starts, put your face next to your child’s ear and announce, “Stop now or we go out to the car.” If he doesn’t stop, pick him up or lead him to the car. Sit him in the back seat while you stand outside the door (or, in foul weather, sit in the front seat and pointedly ignore him). An alternative to the car is to find a secluded bench or quiet corner. If he doesn’t stop quickly, and you can change your schedule, go home. Send him to his room for a specified time (about 3 minutes for every year of age, for example, 15 minutes for a five-year-old.) The extra time it takes to do this once or twice will establish great credibility and can save you from many painful hours at the mall with an obstinate teenager.

Get HIS attention:
Get eye level with your child and say, “Follow me.” Break eye contact and begin to walk away. Walk slowly where he can see you. Many children will follow. If yours doesn’t, stop a short distance away and wait, pretending interest in something else, while you wait. After a few minutes pass, and your child has calmed down, you can approach your child, hold him by the hand, and say, “Let’s go now”.

Use a poker face. Deal with it later:
Stand above your child with arms crossed and a stern face. Say nothing. When the tantrum is over, complete your errands. When you return home, announce that since your child had a tantrum while you were out, he will suffer a consequence now (no dessert after dinner, staying inside, missing his TV show, or going to bed early). Do this once, then use it as your “ace in the hole.” At the next public tantrum say, “Stop now or you will stay inside when we get home, like you did last week.” You child will remember and know you mean business.

Set up a training session:
If public tantrums are a regular occurrence, plan a training session. Go to the grocery store. Buy a few staples and put a nice assortment of your child’s favorite goodies in the cart (potato chips, ice cream, and cookies). Walk around long enough for your child to have the expected tantrum. Walk the cart over to the register and announce to the cashier that you’ll have to leave the groceries and go home because your child is misbehaving. (Smile at the cashier and she’ll probably smile back, happy to see at least one customer controlling her child!) Then go home. Your child will most likely comment on the loss of the goodies. Just say, “Oh well, some other time.” Expect great, loud unhappiness, but long-term value!

If all else fails:
After an unpleasant experience, plan an outing and leave your child at home with a baby sitter. Explain that the tantrum she had the day before is the reason why she is staying home. Expect crying, screaming, and pleading, but be firm. Doing this once has an impact that lasts a long time.

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

by: Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Sleep Solution

Naps are important for your child’s health and growth. A nap refreshes a child so that she can maintain her energy for the rest of the day. Studies show that children who nap are more adaptable, have longer attention spans, and are less fussy than those who don’t nap.

Does your child needs a nap?
Here are signs that your child would benefit from a nap:

1. Wakes up happy, but gets cranky later
2. Has more patience early in the day
3. Cries more easily in the evening
4. Has an afternoon slump then gets a second wind
5. Has temper tantrums during the bedtime routine
6. Falls asleep in the car or when watching TV

How much naptime does your child need?
Children differ in their sleep needs — but this chart applies to most. Even if your child’s sleep hours add up to the right total, his behavior tells you more than any chart could. When in doubt try for a nap, since even quiet time can help a child feel refreshed.

Average hours of day and night sleep

*These averages don’t signify unbroken stretches of sleep since night waking is normal. © Elizabeth Pantley, The No-Cry Sleep Solution (McGraw-Hill)

Timing and length of naps
Timing of naps is important. A late nap will prevent your child from being tired at bedtime. Generally, the best nap times are:

• Two naps: midmorning (9:00 – 11:00) and early afternoon (12:00 – 2:30)
• One nap: early afternoon (12:00 – 2:30); after lunch

If your child tends towards short naps, don’t assume it’s all she needs. Try these tips for better naps:

• Provide a healthy lunch or snack before nap.
• Keep the room dark.
• Play lullabies or white noise during the nap.
• Dress her in comfortable clothes.
• Be sure that discomfort (teething, allergies, etc.) isn’t preventing sleep.

Watch for signs of tiredness
Tired children fall asleep easily. If you miss the signals they become overtired and are unable to sleep. Your child may show one or more of these signs that tell you he is tired and ready to nap:

• losing interest in playtime
• becoming whiny or fussy
• losing patience
• having tantrums
• rubbing eyes or yawning
• caressing a lovey or blanket
• asking for a pacifier, bottle or to nurse

The nap routine
Once you’ve created a schedule that works with your child’s periods of tiredness, follow a simple but specific nap routine. Your child will be comfortable with a pattern to his day. He may predict when naptime approaches and willingly cooperate with you.

Nap routines change
Children’s sleep needs change over time. The routine that you set up today won’t be the same one you’re using a year from now. Be adaptable!

Copyright Elizabeth Pantley. (McGraw-Hill, 2003)

About the Author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.