If you ask parents to list the most frustrating discipline problems during early childhood, you would find that these three items appear on every list. They are so common that I call them The Big Three. All children master their own version of these behaviors – every parent has to deal with them!

Controlling their emotions
Most often these behaviors are caused by a child’s inability to express or control his emotions. Tiredness, hunger, boredom, frustration and other causes that ignite The Big Three can frequently be avoided or modified. When your child begins a meltdown, try to determine if you can tell what underlying issue is causing the problem. Solve that problem and you’ll likely have your sweet child back again.

Handling tantrums, fussing and whining
No matter how diligent you are in recognizing trigger causes, your child will still have meltdown moments. Or even meltdown days. The following tips can help you handle those inevitable bumps in the road. Be flexible and practice those solutions that seem to bring the best results.

Offer choices
You may be able to avoid problems by giving your child more of a say in his life. You can do this by offering choices. Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed right now,” which may provoke a tantrum, offer a choice, “What would you like to do first, put on your pajamas or brush your teeth?” Children who are busy deciding things are often happy.

Get eye-to-eye
When you make a request from a distance your child will likely ignore you. Noncompliance creates stress, which leads to fussing and tantrums – from both of you. Instead, get down to your child’s level, look him in the eye and make clear, concise requests. This will catch his full attention.

Tell him what you DO want
Instead of focusing on misbehavior and what you don’t want him to do, explain exactly what you’d like your child to do or say instead. Give him simple instructions to follow.

Validate his feelings
Help your child identify and understand her emotions. Give words to her feelings, “You’re sad. You want to stay here and play. I know.” This doesn’t mean you must give in to her request, but letting her know that you understand her problem may be enough to help her calm down.

Teach the Quiet Bunny
When children get worked up, their physiological symptoms keep them in an agitated state. You can teach your child how to relax and then use this approach when fussing begins.

You can start each morning or end each day with a brief relaxation session. Have your child sit or lie comfortably with eyes closed. Tell a story that he’s a quiet bunny. Name body parts (feet, legs, tummy, etc.) and have your child wiggle it, and then relax it.

Once your child is familiar with this process you can call upon it at times when he is agitated. Crouch down to your child’s level, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye and say, let’s do our Quiet Bunny. And then talk him through the process. Over time, just mentioning it and asking him to close his eyes will bring relaxation.

Distract and involve
Children can easily be distracted when a new activity is suggested. If your child is whining or fussing try viewing it as an “activity” that your child is engaged in. Since children aren’t very good multi-taskers you might be able to end the unpleasant activity with the recommendation of something different to do.

Invoke his imagination
If a child is upset about something, it can help to vocalize his fantasy of what he wishes would happen: “I bet you wish we could buy every single toy in this store.” This can become a fun game.

Use the preventive approach
Review desired behavior prior to leaving the house, or when entering a public building, or before you begin a playdate. This might prevent the whining or tantrum from even beginning. Put your comments in the positive (tell what you want, not what you don’t want) and be specific.

When it’s over, it’s over
After an episode of misbehavior is finished you can let it go and move on. Don’t feel you must teach a lesson by withholding your approval, love or company. Children bounce right back, and it is okay for you to bounce right back, too.

Excerpted with permission by McGraw-Hill Publishing from The No-Cry Discipline Solution (McGraw-Hill 2007) by Elizabeth Pantley http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.

Before you had kids you probably witnessed an out of control child having a temper tantrum at the store. More than likely you thought or said, “If that was my child, I would ______”. Well now here you are with children of your own dealing with these exact situations. Temper tantrums are a normal part of life with toddlers and preschoolers. Almost all young children have tantrums occasionally. If handled appropriately, most children outgrow this stage by four or five.

Some children have severe tantrums and may get so upset that they vomit or hold their breath until they pass out. Although this can be extremely upsetting to the parent, the child will generally recover quickly and completely. If your child is fainting or vomiting from tantrums, you may want to consult your pediatrician to check for any other health concerns.

How you handle tantrums will have a direct impact on the frequency and intensity of the tantrums. Here are some tips on preventing tantrums and how to respond to them.

Make sure your child is not over-tired
If she is cranky or tired put her down for a nap or try doing some quiet time. You can lay down in the bed and read a book or play soothing music to help her relax.

Be consistent with your rules
If she has a tantrum and you give in to her demands, she will try this again. The more consistent you are, the more she will learn that tantrums don’t work.

When you ask your child to do something, try asking nicely first
“Mommy needs some help picking up the toys” usually goes over better than “get in here and pick up this mess!”

Don’t use bribery
Does she really deserve a cookie for going to bed on time or not misbehaving at the grocery store? By doing this you will only encourage her to break the rules to get a treat.

Don’t react to her by yelling at her to be quiet
This will probably only upset her more. Sometimes in the midst of an outburst it is hard for a child to regain composure. Help her to calm down by giving her some quiet time in her room. Offer her a cup of water to help her relax if she is hyperventilating.

Sometimes children have tantrums because they want your attention. Look at the situation. Have you been watching tv, reading a book, or talking on the phone? If your child hasn’t had much “mommy time”, she may be trying to tell you something. Once she has calmed down from her tantrum, try setting some time aside just for her.

If you are in a public place, remove the child from the situation if you can. Go to the car or the restroom until she calms down.

When to call the doctor
If you are concerned that your child’s tantrums are extreme or more frequent than they should be, call your pediatrician for help. If your child injures herself or others, destroys property, has frequent nightmares, regresses in potty training, faints, has stomach aches or anxiety attacks consult your doctor.

About The Author
Patty Hone is a wife and mommy to three kids. She is also co-owner of Justmommies.com. Justmommies is an online community of moms sharing the joys and struggles of motherhood. Message boards, chats, articles, parenting, pregnancy info and more. www.justmommies.com. email@justmommies.com

Oh gosh … he’s at it again! Wailing and crying for God knows what reason. Do you have a problem with your child’s tantrums? Here’s a quick guide on how to handle them during those stressful moments.

Why Do Children Throw Tantrums?
Studies have shown that when children throw tantrums, they do not mean to be rude or manipulative on purpose. At their age, toddlers are just beginning to understand a lot more of the words they hear. However, given their limited vocal skills, they can’t communicate easily. And when your child can’t express how he feels, frustration mounts.

How Should I React?
Ok, most important rule is … don’t lose your cool. Repeat … don’t lose your cool. He or she may be making a huge scene in the public, embarrassing you in front of the in-laws, it doesn’t matter. Just grit your teeth and bear with it. My suggestion is to just sit down and be with your child while he or she rages.

I know it’s tough – particularly in public. Just try to stop thinking about what others think, any parent out there would understand the situation. Do not concede and give in. If you concede, you will be teaching your child that throwing a tantrum will allow him or her to get what they want.

If, however, your child gets to the point where they start hitting people or throwing things, just pick him up and carry him to a safe place, such as his bedroom. Explain in a firm voice why he’s there (e.g. “because you hit Grandma”).

Preventive Measures
Taking preventive measures also works. If you know your kid gets frustrated when hungry, carry snacks along with you. If you’re going from one place to the next, alert your child and let him know (e.g. “After you finish your storybook, we’re going for dinner”).

If all else fails, do consult your pediatrician who can give expert advice on your child’s tantrums and check if there are any physical or psychological problems.

About the Author
Need Some Advice on Parenting and Baby Care? Gary Hendricks has compiled the best articles on parenting, baby care and baby products at the Baby Product Guide.

At one time or another, all parents struggle with discipline—establishing and enforcing limits, and getting their kids to speak to them respectfully and do what they’re supposed to do. But remember: discipline isn’t only about correction.

It’s also about teaching kids to control themselves and care about others so they can grow up to be productive members of society. Here are some approaches you can use to help your kids to do just that:

1. Be firm. Set reasonable limits, explain them, and enforce them.
2. Be consistent. Your child will learn to adapt to inconsistencies between you and your partner: if you allow jumping on the bed but she doesn’t, for example, the child will do it when he’s with you and won’t when he’s with your partner. However, if you allow jumping one day and prohibit it the next, you’ll only confuse your child and undermine your attempts to get him to listen when you ask him to do something.
3. Compromise. Kids can’t always tell the difference between big and little issues. So give in on a few small things once in a while (an extra piece of birthday cake at the end of a long day might avoid a tantrum). That will give the child a feeling of control and will make it easier for him to go along with the program on the bigger issues (holding hands while crossing the street, for example).
4. Be assertive and specific. “Stop throwing your food now” is much better than “cut that out!”
5. Give choices. Kathryn Kvols, author of Redirecting Children’s Behavior, suggests, for example, that if your child is yanking all the books off a shelf in the living room, you say, “Would you like to stop knocking the books off the shelf or would you like to go to your room?” If he ignores you, gently but firmly lead the child to his room and tell him he can come back into the living room when he’s ready to listen to you.
6. Cut down on the warnings. If the child knows the rules (at this age, all you have to do is ask), impose the promised consequences immediately. If you make a habit of giving six preliminary warnings and three “last” warnings before doing anything, your child will learn to start responding only the eighth or ninth time you ask.
7. Link consequences directly to the problem behavior. And don’t forget–clearly and simply–to explain what you’re doing and why: “I’m taking away your hammer because you hit me,” or “I asked you not to take that egg out of the fridge and you didn’t listen to me. Now you’ll have to help me clean it up.”
8. No banking. If you’re imposing punishments or consequences, do it immediately. You can’t punish a child at the end of the day for something (or a bunch of things) he did earlier–he won’t associate the undesirable action and its consequence.
9. Keep it short. Once the punishment is over (and whatever it is it shouldn’t last any more than a minute per year of age), get back to your life. There’s no need to review, summarize, or make sure the child got the point.
10. Stay calm. Screaming, ranting, or raving can easily cross the line into verbal abuse that can do long-term damage to your child’s self-esteem.
11. Get down to your child’s level. When your talking to your child—especially to criticize–kneel or sit. You’ll still be big enough that he’ll know who the boss is.
12. Don’t lecture. Instead, ask questions to engage the child in a discussion of the problematic behavior: “Is smoking cigars okay for kids or not?” “Do you like it when someone pushes you down in the park?”
13. Criticize the behavior, not the child. Even such seemingly innocuous comments as “I’ve told you a thousand times…” or “Every single time you…” gives the child the message that he’s doomed to disappointing you no matter what he does.
14. Reinforce positive behavior. We spend so much time criticizing negatives and not enough time complimenting the positives. Heartfelt comments like “I’m so proud of you when I see you cleaning up your toys,” go a long way.
15. Play games. “Let’s see who can put the most toys away” and “I bet I can put my shoes on before you can” are big favorites. But be sure not to put away more toys or to put your shoes on first–kids under five have a tough time losing.
16. Avoid tantrums. Learn to recognize the things that trigger your child’s tantrums. The most common include exhaustion, overstimulation, hunger, and illness. Keeping those factors to a minimum will go a long way toward reducing tantrums.
17. No spanking. It’s bad for the kids and bad for you. Children who get spanked are more likely to suffer from poor self-esteem and depression. They’re also more likely to believe that it’s okay to hit other people when they’re mad. After all, you do.
18. No shaking. It may seem like a less violent way of expressing your frustrations than spanking, but it really isn’t. Shaking your baby can make his little brain rattle around inside his skull, possibly resulting in brain damage.
19. No bribes. It’s tempting to pay a child off to get him to do or not do something. But the risk–and it’s a big one–is that he will demand some kind of payment before complying with just about anything.
20. Be a grown-up. Biting your child or pulling his hair to demonstrate that biting or hitting is wrong or doesn’t feel good will backfire. Guaranteed.
21. Offer cheese with that whine. Tell your child that you simply don’t respond to whining and that you won’t give him what he wants until he asks in a nice way–and stick with it.
22. Set a good example. If your child sees you and your partner arguing without violence, he’ll learn to do the same. If he sees you flouting authority by running red lights, he’ll do the same.

Above all, make sure you understand your child. Trying to discipline him without understanding why he’s doing what he’s doing is a little like taking cough syrup for emphysema: the thing that’s bugging you goes away for a while, but the underlying problem remains–and keeps getting worse with time. The most direct way to solve this is to simply ask your child what’s going on and why he’s acting the way he is–in many case he’ll tell you. If he won’t tell you or doesn’t have the vocabulary to do so, make an educated guess (“Are you writing on the walls because you want me to spend more time with you?”).

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

Get ready
If your child is near or has passed his first birthday, you can begin incorporating pre-potty training ideas into his life. They are simple things that will lay the groundwork for potty training and will make the process much easier when you’re ready to begin.

• During diaper changes, narrate the process to teach your toddler the words and meanings for bathroom-related functions, such as pee-pee and poo-poo. Include descriptive words that you’ll use during the process, such as wet, dry, wipe, and wash.
• If you’re comfortable with it, bring your child with you when you use the toilet. Explain what you’re doing. Tell him that when he gets bigger, he’ll put his pee-pee and poo-poo in the toilet instead of in his diaper. Let him flush the toilet if he wants to.
• Help your toddler identify what’s happening when she wets or fills her diaper. Tell her, “You’re going poo-poo in your diaper.” Have her watch you dump and flush.
• Start giving your child simple directions and help him to follow them. For example, ask him to get a toy from another room or to put the spoon in the dishwasher.
• Encourage your child to do things on her own: put on her socks, pull up her pants, carry a cup to the sink, or fetch a book.
• Have a daily sit-and-read time together.
• Take the readiness quiz again every month or two to see if you’re ready to move on to active potty learning.

Get set

• Buy a potty chair, a dozen pairs of training pants, four or more elastic-waist pants or shorts, and a supply of pull-up diapers or disposables with a feel-the-wetness sensation liner.
• Put the potty in the bathroom, and tell your child what it’s for.
• Read books about going potty to your child.
• Let your child practice just sitting on the potty without expecting a deposit.

Go

• Begin dressing your child in training pants or pull-up diapers.
• Create a potty routine–have your child sit on the potty when she first wakes up, after meals, before getting in the car, and before bed.
• If your child looks like she needs to go–tell, don’t ask! Say, “Let’s go to the potty.”
• Boys and girls both can learn sitting down. Teach your son to hold his penis down. He can learn to stand when he’s tall enough to reach.
• Your child must relax to go: read a book, tell a story, sing, or talk about the day.
• Make hand washing a fun part of the routine. Keep a step stool by the sink, and have colorful, child-friendly soap available.
• Praise her when she goes!
• Expect accidents, and clean them up calmly.
• Matter-of-factly use diapers or pull-ups for naps and bedtime.
• Either cover the car seat or use pull-ups or diapers for car trips.
• Visit new bathrooms frequently when away from home.
• Be patient! It will take three to twelve months for your child to be an independent toileter.

Stop

• If your child has temper tantrums or sheds tears over potty training, or if you find yourself getting angry, then stop training. Review your training plan and then try again, using a slightly different approach if necessary, in a month or two.

This article is an excerpt from The No-Cry Potty Training Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Child Say Good-Bye to Diapers by Elizabeth Pantley.

About the author:
Elizabeth Pantley is the author of several books, including Gentle Baby Care : No-cry, No-fuss, No-worry — Essential Tips for Raising Your Baby, The No-Cry Sleep Solution: Gentle Ways to Help Your Baby Sleep Through the Night, Kid Cooperation (with an introduction by William Sears, MD), Perfect Parenting, as well as her latest The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers and is also president of Better Beginnings, Inc. She is a popular speaker on family issues, and her newsletter, Parent Tips, is seen in schools nationwide. She appears as a regular radio show guest, and has been quoted in Parents, Parenting, Redbook, Good Housekeeping, American Baby, Working Mother, and Woman’s Day magazines. Visit Elizabeth’s web site http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth.