Dear Mr. Dad: My two-year-old son has started having temper tantrums. The ones that happen at home are no fun, but the ones that happen in public places—like the supermarket—are downright embarrassing. Is there anything I can do about this problem?

Armin answers: Temper tantrums are most common among two and three-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase “terrible twos” was invented. Experts have found that kids this age have tantrums because their strong wills and their desire for things outstrips their ability to express their emotions in words. Tantrum are an emotional release, which, as you well know, are characterized by screaming, crying, and kicking. The most impressive ones often involve some kind of thrashing around on the floor.

Generally speaking, the best way to deal with any tantrum—public or private—is to ignore it and let it take its course. Giving in to your son’s temper only reinforces the behavior: effectively saying to him that if he misbehaves, he’ll get what he wants. I know it’s hard, but fight the urge to give in.

Of course, ignoring a tantrum isn’t always possible. If it happens in a public place, for example, try to remove your son from the scene. If you can, take him outside to the car and let him scream it out there. The point here is to show your son that you won’t tolerate that kid of behavior.

Another effective way to deal with tantrums is to head them off at the pass. Say you’re in a store and your son starts asking for candy. He’s tired and you know that a negative response might push him over the brink. Offer him a compromise. Tell him he can’t have the candy now, but as soon as you get home you’ll make a big bowl of pudding together, or play his favorite game.

And speaking of being tired, fatigue and irritability are often the precursors to tantrums. So if it’s nap time, skip that stop at the grocery store and head straight for home. Finally, make sure your son knows what’s expected of him at all times and praise his good behavior every chance you get. Knowing he’s pleasing you will probably make him want to do whatever it takes to keep you happy.

About the Author:
Armin Brott, hailed by Time as “the superdad’s superdad,” has written or co-written six critically acclaimed books on fatherhood, including the newly released second edition of Fathering Your Toddler: A Dad’s Guide to the Second and Third Years. His articles have appeared in The New York Times Magazine, Newsweek, American Baby, Parenting, Child, Men’s Health, The Washington Post among others. Armin is an experienced radio and TV guest, and has appeared on Today, CBS Overnight, Fox News, and Politically Incorrect. He’s the host of “Positive Parenting,” a weekly radio program in the San Francisco Bay Area. Visit Armin at www.mrdad.com.

1. Create a bedtime routine. Your baby may fall asleep easier if there is an order that you do things every evening and he knows what to expect. Some babies don’t like the feeling of surprise when they are put to bed and would rather be eased into it. Start with dinner, a bath, nursing and then bed. If you want you can throw in a song, a story, or a massage.

2. Try to get your newborn to bed when he is sleepy but not overtired. If you let him get overtired he may have a harder time falling asleep and fight it more. If he is sleepy he will probably let his body’s natural instinct take over and lull him to sleep.

3. Use the light and dark to help “program” your baby. Wake your baby up in the morning once the sun comes up and start putting him to bed as the sun goes down and the room gets dark. Let the natural light help teach your baby when to fall asleep and when to wake up.

4. Check the sleep environment. You don’t want the area he sleeps in to be too busy or have too much going on. Find a quiet corner his bed can go in and take the toys out of the bed. Allow him no distractions so that he can easily go to sleep.

5. Teach your baby how to self-soothe. It is never too early to think about it so that when it is time to begin you can easily help your baby start putting himself to sleep. Once your baby can calm himself and put himself to sleep, it will free up your time to take care of other family matters. It will also help him be able to fall BACK to sleep after being awoken.

6. Pay attention to his pattern. If you watch his sleeping you will begin to notice a pattern forming of when he is tired, is ready for bed, how long he will sleep and you will know about when he will wake up. Knowing your baby’s schedule will make it easier to judge when he needs to sleep and how long you have before he wakes up.

7. Avoid stimulation. Highly stimulating forms of activity right before bedtime can wind up your baby making it hard to get him to settle down and go to sleep. Keep it calm and quiet in the house leading up to his bedtime so that he will fall asleep with little fuss.

Napping a Six Month Old
By the halfway point of your baby’s first year, not only has he hit a ton of milestones, but he is probably on a regular nap schedule throughout the day. Most babies will be waking up and going to bed at night about the same time, and taking a couple of naps a day for a couple of hours each. These will normally be in the morning and afternoon. At this point it becomes much easier for mom and dad to plan outings as well as meals in the house, because they know when their baby will be awake, and when he will be asleep.

Napping a One Year Old
Most one year olds are still taking a couple of naps a day at this point; however the naps may not be lasting as long. Your baby is probably up walking, running, and very interested in the world around him. It may be hard to get your baby to actually settle down and take a nap, when there is so much else that they would love to do. Enjoy the down time you do have however, because it may not last much longer.

Napping an 18 Month Old
By the time your baby is 18 months old he probably would have cut out one of his naps. Instead of a mid-morning and mid-afternoon nap, he will probably just be taking his afternoon nap, although it may have moved closer to noon or right after lunch. It also may have gotten longer. Where your baby may have only been sleeping an hour to an hour and a half in the afternoon, he could possibly be sleeping 3 hours now. Make the most of this time during your day and get stuff done.

Napping a Two to Three Year Old
Sometime during your baby’s second and third birthday it is highly likely that he will no longer be taking naps. There is entirely too much going on in his world and too much to see and do. You will put him in his crib or toddler bed and he may sit and play for the two hours he is there instead of napping. Your peace and quiet may be coming to an end. The good news is that since your child still needs at least 12 hours of sleep a day, it might be possible to put him to bed early, around six in the evening and have him sleep all night. This will give you that free time in the evenings to get done things that you were not able to get done during the day.