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On New Year's Eve '02, Ron and I went to Watch Night Service at our church. The church was so crowded that we had to sit in the lower fellowship hall. Our pastor came down to wish everyone a Happy New Year. I'll never forget his words... "I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and may all you desire become yours this year, God Bless you" At that moment, I felt God's presence. I had never felt such sheer faith in all my life. I knew in my heart that I would be pregnant this year. Little did I know, I was already pregnant! It was the happiest time of my life.
I had lived my life as such a girly, girl. I had played with baby dolls, pushed my dolly strollers and worn dresses, even when it meant wearing jeans underneath because it was too cold. I couldn't wait to be a Mom. The following week, five HPT's later (Ron needed it confirmed)and a blood test at the doctor's office, we were on our way on the best journey of our lives.
I had had a pretty uneventful pregnancy up until we received positive AFP results. We were so afraid. We chose to have an amniocentisis done. Praise God, Dylan was genetically healthy. The next stumbling block was a high glucose test result which turned out fine. Tests and I just didn't get along.
On Tuesday, June 25th at 29 1/2 weeks, I didn't feel Dylan move. My little guy was usually up with me and slept when I did. I used to say if he is as good outside as he is inside of me, I am going to have an angel on my hands. How right I was. I had a scheduled doctor's appointment that afternoon and thought I would mention it then. I had heard that as babies get larger, they run out of room. At 3:00 P.M. my doctor, Ron and I heard a strong, healthy heartbeat. He advised me to go home, lay down and get something to eat. At 8:00 P.M. I still had not felt Dylan move. We went to the hospital. Two nurses tried to find his heartbeat and couldn't. I knew by the look on their faces, it wasn't good news. They called the doctor in who confirmed that my son had died. I immediately started thanking God for this experience and asking him for courage and guidance. I guess in my heart, I had already begun to unwillingly accept it. Ron, on the other hand was shocked, mad and hurt. It was so unfair. If I could've reached in and taken the pain out of Ron's heart and sadness from his eyes, I would have.
We were scheduled to be induced the next day. Dylan arrived just as quietly as my pregnancy had been. No problems, very little pain. I felt what I thought was a little kick from my little guy and thought to myself, could they be wrong?! The nurse checked me and told me that "his head was right there". I now know that that was my little guy's way of saying goodbye to me. I pushed twice and Dylan arrived. Wow! he was so beautiful. Ron and I kissed, hugged, sang to him and prayed with him. We took our only family picture together. As difficult as the situation was, it was the most beautiful moment of my life. I fell in love instantly and melted with every kiss. I pressed his little face to mine and only wished to breathe warmth into his body. His little neck would rock back just a bit and his tongue would come out...then close and make a puckering sound. I'd like to think that they were my Baby Angel Kisses.
We laid Dylan to rest in the Baby Heart section of a local resting place. It was a small and sweet ceremony with only family and close friends.
According to a doctor that I am working with, the cause of Dylan's death may be attributed to a blood clotting disorder that I have. It was only discovered after Dylan's passing. The second possibility may be a velamentous insertion of the cord (off to the side).
Whatever the cause may be, we know that our son is resting with the Lord. We praise God for his little life and huge lessons and blessings. We know that we will be reunited in an unbroken bond. How beautiful that will be.
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I thank you for choosing me
to come through unto life to be
the beautiful reflection of His Grace
and I know that a gift so great
is only one God could create
and I'm reminded every time I see your face
-Lauryn Hill
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*** God's Promises to Us ***
Every good and perfect gift is from above... (James 1:17)
I will bless the Lord at all times and his praise will continuously be in my mouth (Psalm 34:1)
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid (Psalm 27:1)
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths (Proverbs 3:5)
Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. (John 16:22)
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me (Phil. 4:13)
All things work together for good to them that love God. (Romans 8:28)
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Words of Inspiration
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Remembering
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one who died, you know,
Don't worry about hurting me further,
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry,
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he had been missed.
You asked me how I was doing,
I say, "pretty good," or "fine,"
But healing is something ongoing,
I think it will take a lifetime.
--by Elizabeth Dent
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What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes and prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, and I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby, this we know is true.
But God, can you be a Mother when your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can He replied, with confidence in His voice
I give many women babies when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb, but there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this, God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat, and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with other children and say
We go to Earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me.
I learned my lesson very quickly, my Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much, but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, on her pillow’s where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear.
Mommy, don’t be sad today, I’m your baby and I’m here.
So you see my dear sweet one, your children are OK.
Your babies are here in my home, and this is where they’ll stay.
They’ll wait for you with Me until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you will come home, they’ll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother, it’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of right from the very start.
Though some on Earth may not realize you’re a Mother until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day, and know you’re the best one!
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Just for Today
Just for today I will try to live through the next 24 hours
And not to expect to get over my child’s death,
But instead learn to live with it just one day at a time.
Just for today I will remember my child’s life,
Not his or her death, and bask in the comfort of
All those treasured days and moments we shared.
Just for today I will forgive all the family and friends
Who didn't help or comfort me the way I needed them to.
They truly did not know how.
Just for today I will smile no matter how much
I hurt on the inside, so that maybe my heart will soften and I will begin to heal.
Just for today I will reach out to comfort a relative or friend
Of my child, for they are hurting too,
And perhaps we can comfort each other.
Just for today I will free myself from my self-inflicted burden of guilt,
For deep in my heart I know if there was anything
In this world I could have done to save my child from death, I would have done it.
Just for today I will honor my child's memory
By doing something with another child because
I know that would have made my own child proud.
Just for today I will offer my hand in friendship to another
Bereaved parent, for I DO KNOW how they feel.
Just for today when my heart feels like breaking,
I will stop and remember that grief is the price we pay for loving,
And the only reason I hurt is because I had the PRIVILEGE of loving so much.
Just for today I will not compare myself with others.
I am fortunate to be who I am and to have had my child for as long as I did.
Just for today I will allow myself to be happy,
For I know that I am not deserting my child by living on.
Just for today I will accept that I did not die when my child did,
My life did go on, and I am the only one who
Can make that life worthwhile once more.
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Oh Mother, My Mother
Oh Mother, my mother,
I touch your tears
Invisible fingers soothing your skin
I know you think of me so often in the day, in the night,
In your dreams going into an empty nursery
Knowing I’ll never be there, but I am in your heart in your soul,
I shall always be for you gave so unselfishly of yourself.
Inside of you, you created such a world for me
A world of laughter, of love, of sadness, of sorrow
Every emotion people come to know you shared with me.
And even though I may never feel your arms around me
I felt your heart beating, like a lullaby, singing me to sleep
And your spirit giving me a safe haven already protecting me,
Nurturing me, preparing me of things to come.
But sometimes the journey of life pulls souls apart
And yes, I had to go on to another place.
I wish I could stay. I wish this was a decision
I could make, and I know you do too.
Know this wherever you are: I will always remember that
Yours was the first love, the first joy, the first soul
I will ever know You gave me the courage to go on in my journey
I hope I can do the same for you
Your heart beat will always call me to you.
Love, your child
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A Lost Dream
You were here.
Am I the only one who saw you?
I saw your birth. I felt the overwhelming joy.
I touched your baby soft skin
And your silky hair.
I saw you take your first steps.
I heard your first word.
I felt your hugs
And your sloppy kisses.
I saw your first day of school
And your graduation.
Your first date, your prom, and your wedding...
I saw it all.
I even held your babies.
All of this while you were still inside me.
Now they say you are gone...
None of this will be.
I hear people say,
"...at least you lost him before you got to know him."
Like you weren't really a person yet.
But I saw you....I knew you...I will never forget you.
(author unknown)
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Congratulations, Dylan!! You're a Big Brother!!
Joshua Miles arrived safely on April 30, 2005
We're so blessed to have two sons!
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