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Devyn!!
Happy Birthday baby. I miss you so much. Today is a quiet day with silent tears. I remember your beautiful little hands, little feet, and wonderful smile. I wish you were here with me. The last 4 years seem to have gone by so quickly. I wonder what it would be like if you were here. I wish I could throw you a huge birthday party. I bet D'mi would be trying to steal all the attention. I love you so much and miss you more than anything.
Our story:
I want everyone , strangers and family, to know that we are not angry. That God held us and granted us peace that surpasses understanding. That we praise God's name.
I found out I was pregnant in May 2005. I had just graduated college the previous December and was working two full time jobs (seven days a week). I also found out that I had Grave's Disease. I remember the day I took the pregnancy test. It was the first one I had ever taken. I was told by my specialist that it wasn't safe to be pregnant and have the uptake scan for my thryoid, which is why I took the test in the first place. I remember the lines on the test. I thought there was a mistake. I laid on the floor, cried, called my mother, and told Jermaine we were pregnant.
The next morning when he came home from work, I woke up holding the test. It hadn't been a dream. The following Tuesday we went to the Dr. and the pregnancy was confirmed. I cried some more, but I knew everything would be ok.
I quit one of my jobs and continued to work for a Correctional Center. I planned on working through my entire pregnancy. However, I bled and had complications throughout my first trimester. I was told everything I was going through was normal and at other times I was told I was miscarrying. There were no answers or possible outcomes for what I was going through.
August 2005, toward the end of the month, during a typical weekend off, Jermaine was at work. The strangest thing happened that morning. I woke up soaked. I thought I wet myself. One other time I woke up that morning soaked again. I thought maybe that was notmal when pregnant. Later that day I developed a headache. My parents came by to visit me. I told my mother what happened and see told me that I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I called the on-call Dr. and he told me to have my parents take me to the hospital. I called Jermaine and he said he would meet us there.
At this point I was only 19weeks 5days. I was given an amniotic strip test by a very young Dr. Sometimes, I wonder if he was old enough to work in a hospital let alone examine me and my baby. So, the test came back negative and I was under the impression I was going home. I started to get dressed. The Dr. I had spoken with on the phone walked in to my room. He looked grave. He did an ultrasound and told us our daughter would die. I remember how cold he was when he said that. I didn't cry, I was in shock. Everyone left the room and the tears flooded my bed.
I was admitted to the hospital for the next four days. The Drs. waited for my daughter to be born stillborn. They said an infection would cause her birth. Nothing happened. I was told I could go home on antibiotics until I reached 24 weeks.
During my stay at home my parents continued to visit. They cleaned my aparment, they cooked, brought food, did my laundry, and kept my spirits up. I remember watching my nephew and Jermaine's daughter and thinking about how I would get to do those same things with my little girl. Jermaine continued to work hard and help take care of me.
At 24 weeks I was admitted to the hospital for the long run. I was given a series of steroid shots and told they would help Devyn's lungs develop. During an ultrasound we were told we were having a little girl. I let Jermaine name her. He named her Devyn Kamera. Jermaine's mom and grandmother came to visit us. Jerman, her sisiter, stayed several nights in the hospital with us. Family and friends were everywhere.
During the next two weeks I was monitored more closely. Devyn was suffering from heart decellerations. They believed she was rolling on to her cord and since there was little to no fluid she was not as able to move off.
October 05, 2005 (26w1d) I was in the food court with Jermaine while I started having very severe pains. We went upstairs where the nurses told me to drink water. After doing so the pains only got worse. We were prepped for surgery. My parents were called and told to come quickly.
Devyn was born that night weighing 1pound 11ounces and only 12 inches long. They had to paralyze her because she was trying to breath on her own. Later that night, Jermaine and I went to visit our daughter. My parents were with us, we gathered to pray. The Drs. said we needed a miracle. Devyn was a fighter.
October 06, 2005, we were called to the NICU and told Devyn was fading. We asked them to do everything they could except for performing life saving measures. We didn't want our daughter to suffer anymore than she had to. Devyn looked at us. She listened to music. We baptized her out of a seashell. My parents, Jermaine, and my aunt gathered close. That night we slept. Devyn was holding on.
October 07, 2005 the Drs said we had to come. Devyn was maxed on her meds and there was nothing they could do. We prayed while my parents hurried to the hospital. Devyn seemed to be doing fine when we arrived. However, minutes later she closed her eyes and her heartbeat slowed. Our little girl was dying. They asked if we wanted to hold her. We nodded yes as we sobbed. Devyn took quiet breaths until they finally stopped. She grew wings.
We were able to take Devyn back to the room with us. She was so tiny. My parents arrived. We took pictures and kissed our little angel. She was so perfect. The tears couldn't be stopped. I wanted Jermaine to be able to dance with his daughter, I wanted my mom to do her hair, and my dad to protect us all.
Devyn was her daddy and sister's image.
A week later we buried her among other angels.
I can hear them playing, dancing around me.
I wouldn't have been able to make it with out my entire family and without Jermaine. You all have become my strength and my rock.
To my parents: I have tears in my eyes while I sit here and write this. I'm sad because you are sad. I wish things were different, but they can't be. God taught us an amazing lesson and blessed beyond measure. Thank you for everything you did. You fed us when you were hungry. You loved Devyn more than I can imagine. I love you both.
Jermaine, I loved you then and love you more now. I can't wait to welcome Demi in to this world and raise her together!
This is the poem we had read at her funeral:
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that swiftly blow
I am the diamond glint
on new fallen snow.
I am the sunlight
on ripened grain
I am the soft and gentle autumn rain
When you wake from sleep in the early morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft, starlight at night.
Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there.
I do not sleep.
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Always and forever 37 1/2 hours old.
Some people only dream of angels...We got to hold one.
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My Mom, she tells a lot of lies
she never did before.
From now until she dies,
she'll tell a whole lot more.
Ask my Mom how she is
and because she can't explain,
She will tell a little lie
because she can't describe the pain.
Ask my Mom how is she,
She'll say "I'm alright."
If that's the truth, then tell me,
why does she cry each night?
Ask my Mom how is she,
she seems to cope so well.
She didn't have a choice you see
nor the strength to yell.
Ask my Mom how she is,
"I'm fine, I'm well, I'm coping."
For Gods sake Mom, just tell the truth
just say your heart is broken.
She'll love me all her life,
I loved her all of mine.
But if you ask her how is she
she'll lie and say she's fine.
I am here in Heaven.
I cannot hug from here.
If she lies to you don't listen,
Hug her and hold her near.
On the day we meet again,
we'll smile and I'll be bold.
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
with all the lies you told!"
(Author unknown)
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Bereaved Parents Wish List
I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had her back.
I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that she was important to you also.
If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both.
Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever.
I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day.
I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug.
I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die.
I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I
will always grieve that she/he is dead.
I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself.
I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal.
I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you.
When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily.
I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are
all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky.
Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you
could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time.
Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk
away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone.
I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with her/him. I am not the same person I was
before my child died and I will never be that person again.
I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But, I pray daily that you will never understand.
--Poem from Compassionate Friends
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Here's another poem I love...it is specifically from a child that was stillborn, but the effect is the same and I know it's what my daughter is saying to us
Don’t let them say I wasn’t born, that something stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from the start.
Although my body you can’t hold, it doesn’t mean I’m gone,
This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move on,
I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are forced to face,
You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, someday we will embrace.
You’ll hear that it was “meant to be, God doesn’t make mistakes”
But that won’t soften your worst blow or make your heart not ache.
I’m watching over all you do, another child you’ll bear,
Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you, when you will hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you’ll understand.
Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your eyes,
That doesn’t mean I never “was”…An Angel Never Dies
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Thank you everyone for your support and prayers. They were and are much needed. We love you all very much. Thank you for sharing in our daughter.
Mommy
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