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Eden Marie
Better is the end afterward of a matter than its beginning. Better is one who is patient than the one who is haughty in spirit." ~Ecclesiastes 7:8
I have thought about how I would start my baby's birth story for months now. I couldn't make a decision on where to begin. This pregnancy was more than just the awaiting of our baby-but a deeper emotional growth in myself. From the very beginning- I knew this pregnancy would be different from any of my others, but I had no idea of the changes that would occur in my life during this pregnancy.
When my husband and I found out we were expecting, we were both pleased with the news. However, we waited before telling outside family and friends. We knew that some of the responses from extended family wouldn't be positive. Sadly, some consider that having more than the average two children isn't a blessed event. Nothing, not even the negative comments: "Why would you want another one?" or the most famous: "You do know what causes it, don't you?" would sway our happiness.
In March of this year, I received a call that my grandmother-Maw-Maw was dying. I arrived in Alabama four days before she died. I'll never forget the night I arrived at the hospital and went to her bedside. It had been six years since I had seen her last. She was lying in the bed, her oxygen mask seemed to take over her whole face. She was thinner than I last remembered her. I remember trying not to cry as my Aunt Sandra squeezed her hand and whispered, "Mama, look who is here." Her eyes opened and then when seeing me-they widened. "Jaime! I've been waiting for you!"
During that last week of her life, I was by myself-only comforted by the little one growing inside me. Sometimes when things got to be too much-I'd think about the upcoming birth. At the time, we had no idea of the sex. I told Maw-Maw that week that if the baby was a girl we were naming the baby after her. I also asked her what she thought I was having.
"It's a girl." She said quite firmly.
The Friday that she died, I was worn out emotionally. The family members (with the exception of my uncle Andy and Aunt Sandra) were rude and in every sense of the word just mean. There were times of complete regression on my part-confidence that took six years for me to have in myself was dwindling. As I held my grandmother's hand when she was dying I looked around the room. Everyone in that room was holding on to someone or being held by someone-while the only one's hand I held~ laid dying. As she breathed her last breath, everyone was hugging someone and crying. I remember thinking the only person in that room that has loved me unconditionally my whole life has just left me. It was that moment that I felt the baby move and kick with such an urgency that it shocked me. The baby moved so much for the next five minutes that it occurred to me: This little one was letting me know that I wasn't alone. I like to think that she was comforting me.
Though the months after were hard for me emotionally, newfound hurt in my real mother's words and actions, a sister and brother's lies and isolation, I didn't let that weigh me down. Due to some of these terrible things, I gained a newfound appreciation towards my husband and children. A new relationship with my stepmother emerged during all of this-something I had always hoped for but never believed it would come to pass. And most of all, I was eagerly awaiting to meet my baby. I can't even begin to describe the bond that had already been established long before her arrival.
The Long Wait
My Midwife, Shirley, is a small lady with a voice that is soothing and calm. Over the last seven months I enjoyed my visits and looked forward to her being at the birth. It was quite easy to express my concerns and fears to her and I knew that the experience of this birth would be enhanced with her attending.
On June 27,2003 I began what I had thought was early labor. I made the call to Shirley's apprentice, Leslie to let her know what I was feeling. I told her that the 'contractions' were painful but very different from what I known contractions to be. I knew that each labor was different, but this pain just was just something all together different. Though I kept being told by Leslie that it was contractions, I dismissed my own feelings. This was the beginning of a lot of self-doubt about my body and what was happening and also the start of a very long week.
During this week, people started to know that I was 'in labor.' The countless emails from friends all over the country and the daily 'check in' calls were appreciated in more ways than I can express. My husband was put on 'phone duty' as I tried to just relax and not feel the physical and emotional pressure of delivering. Five friends who I mentally call "The Fab Five" were amazing. Three of them came and got our children to give us a break. The kids had a blast with each of them and this generous gift was something our children needed. They needed a break from their parents as well! The other two were our birth attendants. Each coming over giving their support, helping out and most of all being encouraging. They have no idea how their friendly smiles and easygoing attitude decreased the mounting stress I was feeling. Each acted as if this was just another activity in their lives, not a crisis. That was a true gift.
It was Saturday and still no baby. Leslie came over to check me to see if I made any progress. She told me I was 5cm. YES! Halfway there and I was elated. I gave my husband a look of triumph since he was telling me over and over that I wasn't in labor. Later, when Shirley's partner, Shine checked me (it was later that night) she corrected Leslie's huge mistake.
I wasn't 5cm- but 2cm! I'm no midwife or doctor, but like hello!!!! I understood that Leslie was learning but this error was just simply ridiculous. Since Shirley's husband was having a triple by-pass that week, I knew I had to rely on Shine and Leslie until Monday when Shirley would be available. Even though she told me to call her anyway- I couldn't~ knowing what she was going through with her husband. Despite these reservations, she came to our house on Sunday and she and I took a very long walk and she made it clear to me to call her with anything going on. She was unnerved with Leslie's error and the fact that Leslie stripped my membranes Saturday morning- she hadn't been aware that Leslie had did that. After feeling the baby, Shirley told me that the baby had most likely been turning. That would explain the 'different' pain I was experiencing.
Sunday turns to Monday and then it was Tuesday. My husband's impatience and lack of comfort was beyond all~ annoying and frustrating. I understood that he only had a week off from work, and he wanted that time to be with the baby as well, but his attitude was making me feel rushed. I wanted to have this baby when this baby was ready, but the stress of 'time' was getting to me. It was later that evening, that I felt a leak- like a period. I called Shine (Shirley's husband had made a turn for the worse and she was with him that day) and was annoyed by her abrupt attitude. She came over that evening and said it was my water- but she wasn't worried. She thought it was my back waters. Growing tired and frustrated, I finally just asked her to break my waters. I knew that once my waters broke I'd have this baby in no time. She said they would try 'inducing' first.
Ugh. Wednesday was a day of tastebud torture. Every thirty minutes I was putting black cohosh (which has the lovely taste of warm dirt) under my tongue and then swallowing. This kept the contractions going. Later that night, I was awarded with a nice concoction of dieter's tea, recharge, and the nice flavor of castor oil. I would later regret my decision of ever agreeing to the castor oil.
That night, I slept- though restless, but still no progress. I knew time was of the essence, since they believed my waters were leaking and regulations stated that I had to be in 'active' labor within 24 hours. Around 10 am Thursday morning, Leslie came over and asked how I was feeling. Visions of the castor oil appeared in my mind and I retorted, "Crappy."
A few hours later, Shine came over to give me my options. I was facing hospital transfer because I wasn't progressing. This annoyed me. Finally, I just said, "If you'd just break my waters I'd have this baby and we all could just go on with our lives!" This isn't what I really wanted, I wanted to have as natural of childbirth as I could with no intervention-but the alternative (going to the hospital) wasn't something that I really wanted to do. I knew the baby wasn't in any danger- it was just regulation which irked the heck out of me.
Shine agreed to break my waters and by then I was 4cm. Then they left! Shine's last words to me were that if my contractions were 5 minutes apart then to call her and if they were 3 minutes apart call Shirley.
I called my friend Erika who was going to take pictures and coach to tell her to try to be at my house around 4:30 or so. I knew Cheree was going out of town (our other coach, friend, massage therapist) and was disappointed that she was going to miss it. She'd been one of the Fab Five who was over at our house helping out. Ian took the kids to McDonald's and I told him to fill up the tub. "Oh, we got plenty of time." He said. I knew we didn't and filled it up myself.
I was alone for about 30-45 minutes which was indeed a good thing. The contractions were getting stronger and closer together. It was during this time that I was finding 'my groove' and dealing with the contractions my way. I also started to get a little nervous and immediately started to pray for God to remove the fear and give me strength. I could deal with the contractions-just not the fear. With each contraction, I would hum softly. I don't know why, but with my eyes closed and humming-it just seemed to work. Natural endorphins were kicking in and I could feel myself opening.
I realized that I hadn't been timing the contractions but they were indeed closer together. I called Shine and told her she better get here and to please call Shirley for me. By her tone, I don't think she was taking me too seriously that she should rush back over.
Leslie arrived first along with another lady. I was asked if she could attend, and thinking she was another midwife or apprentice I agreed. (I would find out that she was a student at UAA and was thinking of being a midwife and wanted to see a birth) I told Leslie she had to check on the tub and again I asked if anyone had called Shirley. "Shine called her," she said.
I was leaning over the couch when I felt that unspeakable urge to push. My immediate thought was it couldn't be. It was way too soon. I waited till the next contraction and sure enough- the same urge to push was stronger.
"Leslie, I have to push." I said this in the same tone as "It looks like a nice day today." The look on Leslie's face was that of shock. "Don't push!" She shrieked.
I don't know exactly when Shine and Erika got there but it was shortly after because I remember Leslie saying to Shine, "She says she has to push!" and Shine's "DON'T PUSH!" response. Leslie was calling Ian and for the third time I asked if anyone called Shirley. Someone (not sure who) said yes.
"I've got to get in that tub," I told Shine. Finally, I got in. The warm water was calming and eased the intensity of the contraction-but not the urge to push. Shine checked me and as if it were her idea said, "Why don't you push? Go ahead and push if you want to!"
I squatted and along side the tub and with Shine's fingers still inside me I started to push. It was very uncomfortable with her 'intruding my space" and told her to get her hands out! She started in on how this was where I would want to rush and I didn't want to tear...... all of it falling on deaf ears. "Just get your hands out!" I said loudly.
"Okay, you do it then" she responded.
I felt inside me and could feel the baby's head. This allowed me to push gently because I could feel the baby move downwards. She was still pretty high, but with each push she was moving lower. I couldn't believe it. This little baby and I were working together. I could feel that she had hair and remember thinking to myself that soon I'd be holding her.
Ian and the kids came in. I remember Ian taking his place behind me outside the tub and kissing my forehead. The baby's head was crowning.
I pushed and then her shoulders came out-and it was at that moment I lost my bearing and grabbed my ankle letting her go and said, "Get this baby out!" Shine yelled out a scolding, but I ignored her~ giving one last push and seeing my baby float up and me grabbing her.
There was a lot of commotion afterwards but I was totally tuned out to the noises and could in my mind only could see this little one. I held her in my arms and could feel the tears brimming in my eyes. Unlike my other births, the shock of this childbirth was only seconds so I was able to feel my emotions, not be numb to them. My little one opened her eyes and I kissed her. There is nothing in the world that can compare to the warmth of a newborn baby. "Welcome, Little One," I whispered. Ian was touching her head and kissed me. "Wow!" he said. We both laughed and gazed at our baby.
"She's finally here," Ian said.
"Was there ever any doubt?"
AFTERWARDS
No one called Shirley till after I had the baby. I was very disappointed by this and Shirley wasn't very happy. In Shine's defense, I think she was protecting Shirley by letting her stay with her husband as long as possible and she really had thought Shirley had been called by Leslie and Leslie thought Shirley had been called by Shine. The 'student' who was very nice-but I was a little peeved to find out that she wasn't a partner-just someone who was interested in midwifery. Shirley had no idea who she was and I could tell that there would be some explaining to do by the others in why she was there to begin with. All in all, despite the mishaps and mistakes, Eden Marie's birth was miraculous. I can't even begin to describe the joys of catching your own baby and finding your own strength in the process.
It was also during this pregnancy that I've learned about family ties and exactly what they really mean. Blood doesn't make family- it is love. I guess my narrow-minded view on family has caused me to miss out on relationships that could have been enhanced through the years-only holding on to blood ties that were not in my best interest. I also learned that you can't change people or change someone's views-however distorted they may be.
Most of all, I learned my grandmother's love was more than the unconditional love a grandmother gives her grandchild-but that of a mother's. It was Maw-Maw that taught me the true nature of a mother's bond with her child and it was her strength that she passed down to me. I lost the most valuable teacher that loved me unconditionally in March, but on July 3, 2003, I gained another teacher who I will love unconditionally and pass on the same strength that Maw-Maw gave to me.
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