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Then, on September 9th, 2002 I started having those telltale HELLP Syndrome pains in my liver area and this time- in my heart as well. They felt like someone was standing on my chest and squeezing my heart and liver at the same time. I kept thinking that it couldn't be the HELLP again, it was too early to be having that pain. With Jarod, I was at 30 weeks when the pain started. I didn't go to the hospital to see what the pain was until the 31st week. This time I was only 23 weeks. I had a blood pressure monitor at home and was taking it several times a day. It kept creeping higher and I kept putting off going to the hospital because I was getting really scared.
But on that day, I finally went to Labor and Delivery where they ran blood tests, urine tests, and did and an EKG to see what was the problem. They didn't think it was the same thing because at first my liver enzymes were not elevated. The doctor prescribed Labetalol (plus I was already taking Aldomet from the beginning of my pregnancy)-both for hypertension, and I stayed overnight. The next day, the 10th, they allowed me to go home saying that I was stable and things looked all right. I felt better, but still had slight pains. Wed.,the 11th was the one year anniversary of Sept.11th. I remember watching the coverage on t.v. and bawling as those lost were remembered by their family and friends. I stayed in bed most of the day except when I went to me routine doctor's appointment with my Ob/Gyn. I told him that I was still hurting and he said that the test results showed things were ok, so I was fine. I did not feel fine. Thursday, the 12th came and as soon as I woke up I could not stand the pain.
I again went to Labor and Delivery where after several tests which FINALLY showed signs of me having HELLP, they told me that I would have to stay out at the hospital on the maternity ward and be monitored until they could deliver the baby later in the pregnancy. I was scared, but figured that if I had to stay there for several months, at least I would know that Laiken would be ok. My mom went out and bought me things to do while on bedrest- magazines to read, some yarn to crochet (a sweet nurse had told me that if I got some yarn, she would teach me), and a couple of coloring books and crayons to share with Arianna and Jarod while they visited. I got settled in my room and was even feeling better for some reason.
Friday and Saturday were a mixture of blood being drawn, tests being performed and the nurses giving me a series if steroid injections just in case they might have to deliver Laiken early. This way, her lungs could be more mature. I was still feeling fine- no pain and my blood pressure, although still elevated, was under control. Then, things all changed when I woke up to get my blood drawn at 1:30a.m. Sat. night/ Sun. morning.
After the woman drew my blood, I woke up enough to realize my liver and heart were again hurting. This time, they were worse than before. I pushed the button to call the nurse, and after what seemed like forever, two came. Everything is a blur when I try to remember that terrible time, but I know that they were saying something about having to get me back over to Labor and Delivery and having to do another emergency c-section. I knew that it was way,way too early. That day I had just turned 24 weeks. 16 weeks to go- Laiken's due date was January 6th, 2003.
I stayed in the Labor and Delivery room for the next several hours having my blood pressure checked- it got up to 190/112, my platelets and enzymes monitored. My blood was not clotting because my platelets had gotten so low that they were not going to be able to give me a spinal to do the c-section. They said I could bleed to death. I had to be put under general anesthesia so I would not be awake to see my daughter enter this world, nor would Rick be able to be in the delivery room with me. Even as scared as I was, it never occurred to me that she would not make it- the doctor had told me that there was a 50% chance of survival and I have a niece who was born at 1lb. 7 oz. in 1983 who made it and thrived. I was thinking of the long road ahead of her that she had and that she would probably be in the NICU for a long time, but not making it was not in my mind.
Laiken was delivered at 10:17a.m. on Sept. 15th, 2002. I woke up in the Recovery Room with my mom and Rick on each side of the bed. As soon as I opened my eyes, the NICU doctor, also in the room, told me it did not look good. I asked , "There's no hope?" And he said, "No." I could not believe it. I started crying uncontrollably. My mom and Rick were telling me that she was "just too little, so beautiful, but just so tiny." I said that I wanted to see her and they said she was down in the NICU, but was not hooked up to anything. They had tried to intubate her but she was too tiny and was fighting having the tube in her throat. She had an IUGR and was the size and gestational age of a 22 weeker. My placenta had hundreds of tiny blood clots around the center of it in a ring that was supposedly caused by the high blood pressure I was having. It caused Laiken to be deprived of the nutrients that she should have had. The doctor allowed Rick to go down the hall to the NICU and bring Laiken back wrapped in a blanket with nothing hooked up to her. I knew when I saw that, that there really was no hope. When Jarod was there, he was attached to so much equipment. Seeing her free from all that meant she was not going to live. I was still under so much medication and not fully awake from the anesthesia. Rick handed her to me and I could not stop crying. I unwrapped her tiny body and tried to take it all in. I regret that when I look back on this time, things are pretty blurry. I just know that I held her, my mom took pictures, and I talked to Laiken and told her how sorry I was that they saved my life, but hers was sacrificed. She had the most beautiful face, long fingers, long legs. She was perfect, if only she could have stayed in my womb longer, she would have made it. She was healthy, even though the placenta was restricted, it was me that was not doing well. I feel so guilty for losing her to save me.
I was taken back to the maternity floor and put in the room right in front of the nurses station so that they could keep an eye on me as my platelets were still really low and my enzymes were really high. I was able to take Laiken in there with me and I held her until later that evening. We had a priest from the hospital baptize her and he also took pictures. If I had it to do all over again, I would have not given her back so early. I think I would have kept her with me as long as I could. I was so tired that night, so tired. I kept falling asleep when I was holding her and I was afraid that I would drop her. If only I could go back, I would not have let myself fall asleep, for that was precious time I could have had with her. When the nurse came and I told her I was ready to give her back, I felt the most alone I ever have in my entire life. I just let that nurse take my baby and I was never going to get her back. I was so numb. On my door was a dove indicating that my baby had passed away, but it did not stop several hospital employees from coming in and asking what I had had or where my baby was. It was like insult to injury. I felt like they were sticking a knife into my already broken heart.
I finally was released from the hospital on Wed., the 18th. As soon as my mom and the kids picked me up, we went to the cemetery to make funeral arrangements for Laiken. I was not supposed to be picking out a casket, or a headstone, or planning what her obituary would say. I was supposed to be buying frilly pink clothes, diapers, and things for the nursery. It was like a nightmare that I could not wake from. Somehow I did it and the funeral was planned for Sept. 25th. Her stone has a Precious Moments angel on it and it says, "Blessed are the pure at heart, for they shall see God." And that is where I know she is because she was so pure- free of sin and any hatred that you learn from this cruel world. So many kind friends and family came to commemorate Laiken's short life for her funeral. We felt so blessed to have them there. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do- seeing my baby buried.
Not a minute goes by that I don't think of my baby girl and wish that she was here with us. I love her so much and would give anything to just hold her again. When people ask I tell them about all FIVE of my children- my four on Earth, and my precious angel in Heaven.
Rick and I went on to have another baby, our son Gavin (08/22/03) and I know that Laiken was the last to kiss him before he was sent from Heaven to be ours.
Update: We were again blessed with a beautiful baby- our daughter Alyvia was born on 10/20/07 after another high-risk pregnancy. She is absolutely perfect and resembles each of her siblings- including Laiken. She is definitely a gift from God.
It still makes things so bittersweet as we think of all the things that Laiken might have done as we watch our other children grow.
I know someday we will all be together again and at that moment, all my children will be together again- in my arms, forever.
"Some people only dream of angels, we held one in our arms..."
LAIKEN
Precious angel
Dressed in pink
Painting rainbows
Dancing on clouds
Holding a piece of my heart
In your hands forever
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