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~I Miss You~
I sit and wonder every day how the world just goes on
Like nothing ever happened, how can we face another dawn
My world is just routine, I face each morning thinking "just get me through today"
I don't want to cook, clean, or even watch my children play
Things that only use to make me feel so much joy
But it all seems so meaningless without my baby boy
I know I had a life before he stopped breathing
But I only feel like crying and don't know how to stop the grieving
Even when I know I'm surrounded by people who care
Sometimes I feel so lonely like I'm the only one who is there
I don't want to tell them the truth when they ask how was my day
I'm not even really sure I'd find the words to say
I'm hurting, I'm dying just a little bit inside
And there hasn't been a day I didn't want to cry
I'm afraid that they won't understand exactly what I'm thinking
That every time I see my daughter smile my heart just starts sinking
I look at her and see my son and sadness overcomes me
I don't think they would sympathize with what I see
I'm scared that they will tell me it's been long enough
So I put on my smiling face, and be funny, strong and tough
Sometimes I'd like to scream out "why! What exactly did I do!"
That made my son have to die and leave me sad and blue
There are times I want to yell at them when they ask me what is wrong
Were they not there when I lost my baby, don't they know it hasn't been that long
Yes, there is something wrong, my baby died
I held his lifeless body as I cried
I had to place him in a casket not his baby bed
I have to tell people I have 3 children but one of them is dead
I don't know when I'll be happy but I still want people to care
I may not say "I need you" but I still want you there
Somedays I may not feel like chatting and I won't pick up the phone
But really those are the days that I don't want to be alone
It's okay to say "Lukas", I want to hear his name
I want to talk about him, it helps to keep me sane
Because when he isn't mentioned, I feel he is forgotten by the world
But he was still my child just like my little girls
Even though you never knew him, saw him or held him before
He was so much a part of me, alive and so much more
So, when you ask me "what is wrong?" you really should know
That I'm holding on and at the same time trying to let go
By: Mommy
03-25-03 Leslie R. Wettermark Copyright © 2003
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~Lukas Andrew~
For 8 months you were inside me and every kick I'd feel.
But, you were born too soon quiet, beautiful and still.
I came home with empty arms no baby to rock to sleep
And the pain and anguish that I have hurts so very deep
The words spoken "I;m so sorry" are ones I didn't want to believe
We tried for 6 long months and then you were conceived
And I'll never forget the look on Daddy's face when he found out you were a boy
Nothing gave me more pride or greater joy
We were going to have our son no one could want you more
But in the end all we are left with is sad memories and tears galore
I will never get to see Daddy glow just thinking I have a son
Or ever get to see you laugh, smile or even run
I know what you would have looked like, just like your Dad
I could see that in you in the moments that we had
There will be no cowboy room that I planned for you
Or dress you in your T-shirts of green and baby blue
I'll never get to sing to you as I have the girls
I'll never have to dread the day to cut your golden curls
I wish for days of frogs and bugs and silly little things
Of wrestling and all the joys little boys do bring
I'll never get to hear your voice or yell at you in anger
For all that I will have of you is this sadness that still lingers
My first born son, my Lukas, my precious little joy
You're always in my heart my tiny baby boy
By: Mommy
03-05-03 Leslie R. Wettermark Copyright © 2003
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~Sadness~
As I sit in silence every night I think of you once more
It's then that I am grieving and the tears begin to pour
In my mind it is a nightmare and I'll wake to find you here
But that just doesn't happen, for you are an angel dear
I think next week I'll get to feel you kick inside me again
That you weren't just a tiny life that God could only lend
But it is morning now and my tummy is still flat
Not bulging with activity, not cute and round and fat
Here on earth, I'll never have the chance to hold you tight
And I can only dream of you and rock you in my dreams at night
I only have a grave to go to in remembrance of you
Tiny little footprints, a yellow knitted cap and a gown with bunnies in baby blue
This nightmare makes me someone I never was to be
A mommy scorned and cheated because you're not here with me
I'm jealous of other mommy's that get to have their boys
When I should be full of happiness because at least they get that joy.
I'm angry with God for taking you and leaving me with tears
Afraid that when the time comes for another child I'll be filled with fear
I should of held you longer than just a moment or two
Because here on earth I will never again have a chance to hold you
I should have touched your fingers and kissed you on the head
I know your spirit was with me, and your body was already dead
I should have sang to you so you could hear my voice
And tell you that I loved you, but God took you without choice
I know I should be thankful for the months I had you inside
For the day I found you living and the tears of joy I cried
I should be glad He blessed me with my first son at all
But how can I be happy when the angels came to call
Everyone tells me that I did nothing wrong
That the road down grief is sad, helpless and very long
But I still can't understand why some people have babies they get to keep
But I am left with a broken heart and many tears to weep
Why was I chosen to carry you through your good-bye
And never get to see you smile or even hear you cry
I guess my questions will go unanswered until we meet again
But until then my baby boy, prayers are all that I can send
By: Mommy
03-09-03 Leslie R. Wettermark Copyright © 2003
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~Letter from Lukas~
I know that you are angry
and feel so very hurt..
that you lost your little boy
and had to cover him with dirt...
But I know you are strong and
will get stronger every day and
if you look into the sky this is what
he'd say...
Mom, you must go on living,
and smile more and more,
it's not like I am missing,
I'm behind heavens door,
I watch you every day and
though you can't hear me speak
I know that you still love me
and wish your arms could reach...
But don't you worry Mom,
we'll meet again someday, and I
will tell you all I've seen
and your pain will go away...
So Mom, when you get lonely
and feel a little bad,
Remember that I love you
and don't want you to be sad...
You see Mom, I am watching you
and I hear every word you pray,
So keep on talking to me Mom,
I hear every word you say...
Tell everyone I love them,
and especially to you...
Know that I love you most and
and know that this is true..
Although I did not breathe the air
that you and daddy do...
I am still your little boy and
waiting for you two.
So with that being said Mom,
hug my sisters tight,
tell them that you love them,
and you will be all right,
then go tell Daddy something, something just from me,
tell him we comes to heaven,
there's a ball game we can see..
one with lots of angels,
they cheat when they all play,
they fly from base to base,
and their halo's get in the way,
but the game is real exciting and
no one ever loses,
no when gets struck out,
or falls and gets bruises...
so let my daddy know,
I'm saving a seat for him...
one beside the dugout,
so he can watch me pitch...
Love, Lukas
Written by: Aunt Linda (mommy's best friend)
Linda Morris Copyright © 2003
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~Dear Daddy,~
Today is the first Father's Day we would have shared
Imagine us togther, you and me, what a pair
I know this year is hard on you because I am in heaven
But, I'll always be your son even when you're 97
I hope you feel me looking down on you each day
I hear your cries, feel your sadness, listen to you pray
Dad, you're my hero no matter where I am
I see everything in you I would have liked to become as a man
You're always there for my mommy and my big sisters too
Putting them first in everything that you do
You have gentle arms for them to come to whenever they are sad
You're mostly always happy and rarely ever mad.
You work hard to give them a home to enjoy
And the only thing that's missing is a little boy
I've been talking to my friend Jesus up here
And he sees the heartache and feels all of your tears
He tells me that someday you might get another son
One you can play with, laugh with and have fun
You'll get the chance to watch him grow
You'll never forget me, I know
But through him I hope that you'll find so much joy
Because it's truly a present from your oldest boy...
Written By: Mommy for Daddy
Leslie R. Wettermark Copyright © 2003
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~Grief In Marriage~
We planned a life together from the very start
Invested our souls, our minds and our hearts
Created a family and made us a home
Always there for one another and never really alone
We have been through so much in a short amount of years
Shared a lot of laughter and cried a few tears
But what we are going through now with the loss of our sweet son
Is something that you and I never planned on
We never thought our world would be torn apart
That we would feel a pain like this that truly breaks our hearts
We held on to one another so very tight
When the doctor told us we lost our Lukas that night
I could see the tears just swell up in your eyes
For only you and I could feel the pain we felt inside
You have been my strength my rock in my despair
And when I feel like no one else will be, I know that you'll be there
When I can't find the words to say you find them for me
You point me in the right direction when the future is so hard to see
You've held me when I know your pain was just as great
You cleaned the house, took care of the girls, and let me sleep in late
You never complain about the days when I just sit and stare
On the days when I don't cook or clean you never seem to care
You ask me every morning if I am feeling okay
Kiss me and give me something to laugh about for the first time everyday
You're amazing and I couldn't ask for a better man
To walk through life with hand and hand
But I know that you are hurting just as much as I
And it's all right if you want to talk, yell, scream and cry
For I am here for you just as you have been for me
I know your grief is great, everyone can see
You lost a part of your legacy, your son
And it wasn't anything that you or I had done
I hope you know that you mean everything to me and our girls
You are our true love our whole world
I know this has brought us closer than we have ever been before
We have had such happy days and I know there will be more
I'm glad I have you to share my walk in life
And you'll never fully know what it has meant to be your wife.
04-02-03 Written by: Mommy for Daddy
Leslie R. Wettermark Copyright © 2003
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~Grief On A Watch~
Someone offended me today and I just won't say who
It's someone very close to me, and it made me kind of blue
They implied I should be "over" Lukas' being gone
But how can they possibly know how it feels to be his Mom
They haven't walked a moment in my path
Felt the pain I feel and felt so very sad
I wish for just 5 seconds, and no more
That they could feel my heart break when my tears pour
I assume they think I'm carrying on
And making the grief process too long
I'd never want them to experience this ache
Of looking at a baby in the store and my heart just break
Watching television and a baby food commercial shows
The tears start to flow
I don't think they understand that I will never be the same
I'm not placing them at fault or casting them with blame
I'm happy because they have been blessed and never had to feel
Their life crash around them and the world stand still
But I have, and I grieve everyday
I plead with my God, I cry, I scream, and pray
Give me time, but I don't know how much it will take
Just be there to listen for my sake
If you don't know what to say, then don't say anything at all
Just be there for me when I need a soft place to fall
I planned Lukas' life for years to come
Now I have to deal with the thought that he won't even get just one
Eight months I held him under my heart, he was my baby boy
I wanted to experience happiness and joy
But I won't, he's gone and forever will be
Please don't ask me to "get over it" just be thankful and feel blessed that you aren't me.
By: Mommy
Copyright © 2003
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~Goodspeed - Dixie Chicks~
Dragon tales and the "water is wide"
Pirate’s sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
The rocket racer’s all tuckered out
Superman’s in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon, we’ll find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
God bless mommy and match box cars
God bless dad and thanks for the stars
God heard "amen," wherever you are
And I love you
Godspeed, little man
Sweet dreams, little man
Oh my love will fly to you each night on angels wings
Godspeed
Godspeed
Godspeed
Sweet dreams
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~I Believe- Diamond Rio~
Every now and then soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
And it’s like you haven’t been gone a moment from my side
Like the tears were never cried
Like the hands of time are holding you and me
And with all my heart I’m sure we’re closer than we ever were
I don’t have to hear or see, I’ve got all the proof I need
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe
Chorus
That when you die your life goes on
It doesn’t end here when you’re gone
Every soul is filled with light
It never ends and if I’m right
Our love can even reach across eternity
I believe, I believe
Forever, you’re a part of me
Forever, in the heart of me
And I’ll hold you even longer if I can
The people who don’t see the most
Say that I believe in ghosts
And if that makes me crazy, then I am
’cause I believe
There are more than angels watching over me
I believe, I believe
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~One More Day- Diamond Rio~
Last night I had a crazy dream
A wish was granted just for me
It could be for anything
I didn’t ask for money
Or a mansion in malibu
I simply wished, for one more day with you
Chorus
One more day
One more time
One more sunset, maybe I’d be satisfied
But then again
I know what it would do
Leave me wishing still, for one more day with you
First thing I’d do, is pray for time to crawl
Then I’d unplug the telephone
And keep the tv off
I’d hold you every second
Say a million I love you’s
That’s what I’d do, with one more day with you
Chorus
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
Leave me wishing still, for one more day
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~ He Lost A Baby Too ~
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry" and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's alright
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew
And try to be so very brave –
He lost his baby too.
Author Unknown
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**A poem I wrote for the women that have supported me for months now. My online family at Silentgrief.com. I don't know what I would do without all of you.
~Silent Grief~
We all came to this place for all the same reason.... we lost our child
When we were frightened, lonely and emotions all wild
We wanted an ear to listen and maybe some advice
Hoping and praying these people were nice
We suffered losses so painful and hurt so great
That we needed someone there with the same sorrows on their plate
Through all this sadness we found something more
Friends, like family, people we adore
We share each heartache when someone arrives new
We lift up each other when we are falling and blue
We are crossing this journey, grief as they say
We laugh together, cry together, and most often we pray
We rejoice in new babies, kicks and heartbeats
Sometimes can't wait until we all get to meet
We cry when someone's child has another Heaven's Day
When someone has lost another baby, we pray
I know for one I never thought I'd find friends
But, they will be, forever until my life's end
All these friendships that have been forged
All through the Internet on a message board
Some of us are addicted we come here 15 times a day
Just to lend encouragement or post when we have something to say
Silent grief, it will always be about the children we lost
We'd all trade this to have back our children, if that was the cost.
But since we have no choice but to go on
I'm glad that I have friends like you all to help me along.
I know that I will never be alone as long as I have all of you
If I didn't, I just don't know what I would do.
You're the best of friends anyone can have
Even if the reasons we met are still sad....
By Leslie Wettermark 07-15-03
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One Year Anniversary
Dearest Lukas,
A year has gone by. A whole year since you so quietly left our life. A year filled with tears, anger, frustration, depression, sadness, the worst year of my life, the year of pure HELL. There were nights I would plead with God not to let me wake up the next morning. Nights where I closed myself up in the shower and cried until I couldn't cry another tear. Days when I would look at Daddy and know he was dying inside, helpless, feeling alone, wondering what was going to happen to our life, our marriage, our future.
A year of visiting your grave and singing to you in the Heaven's. A year where I lost a lot of people I thought were my friends, but because they didn't know how to "deal" with me they remained silent and vanished out of my life. A year where I met beautiful women that have suffered the loss of their child and understood me more than anyone I know. Those women helped me survive this year, they taught me how to breath again and gave me faith to live again.
A year of lying to people who asked how I was and I would just say "I'm okay," when really I was dying inside. A year where I had to learn who wanted to hear how much you mean to me, how much you're missed and loved, because some people didn't care or thought I should be "over" you. Although those same people never held their precious silent baby in their arms, looking like a perfect newborn baby boy. A year of having feelings I have never felt before. Nasty, heartwreching feelings, feelings that made me feel like a different woman, one I didn't even like or care to know.
A year of holding on to my sanity that was slowly slipping away from me. A year of walking a path and taking turns on roads I never have wanted to walk before, even the scary dark back roads, I walked down all alone. I've never felt so alone ever in my life as I have for this past year. I've never felt so angry, so jealous, so vengeful, and hateful as I have this past year. You were stolen from me when I know I so deserved you to be here in my arms right now, laughing and smiling.
Lukas, know that if ever another child comes into my life, you will never be replaced, you will never be forgotten. As long has Mommy has breath in her, no one will ever let your memory fade. You will always be my son. You will always be in my heart.
I remember that night like it was just yesterday. The monitor not picking up your little heartbeat, the doctor saying how sorry he was that you were gone. The sadness and pain in your Daddy's eyes as he made those calls to our family and friends to tell them you were gone. The twenty fours hours I carried you inside me knowing you were already in Heaven. The fear that gripped me when they rolled me into the OR for the c-section. The moment the nurse placed you in my arms and I saw this perfect newborn baby boy, who looked just like his Daddy. I thought to myself "How can he not be alive, he looks so beautiful, so perfect." Watching your Daddy uncover you so we could see your long legs and little toes. That terrible stormy day of your funeral. Our loved ones standing there in honor of a little life that never took an earthly breath.
Lukas, I'll forever love you and when people in my life think I'm nuts or crazy for talking about you or keeping your memory alive, I won't care. I won't care one bit because I'll always be your Mommy. They never felt you kick inside my belly, or heard your heartbeat, or watched you on the ultrasound, sucking your fingers, or watched you do a loopty loop inside my belly. They never knew you the way I did. For 8 long months you were inside my body, thriving and growing to become my son. That is what you always will be on earth and in heaven, my son, forever my baby. When I get to Heaven someday, I'll hold you in my arms again. Only this time it will be with tears of joy. A blessed Heaven's Day to you my Lukas Andrew.
Love,
Mommy
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