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11/29/2005
Today my daughter would be one year old. She was my first pregnancy and I have been reliving my time with Abby. We found out we were pregnant on my husbands birthday after about a year of trying to get pregnant. How perfect a present that was!!
I was about 8 weeks pregnant when we had our first ultrasound and we could see this little peanut but it had a heartbeat! I just laid there and cried! I was so in love already.
I was so awfully sick during my first trimester and I was still in school so I was just about miserable!
I remember clearly the first time I felt her move. It was amazing! I stopped right in my tracks and cried! More and more in love with her every day.
We had our ultrasound at about 18 weeks to look at growth and determine the sex and they told us she was a girl! I was in shock, I was positive she was a boy. A daddys girl, I couldn't wait! The scan went well the doctor said everything was fine but asked if we wanted to do a blood test that is a regular screening for abnormalities. I didn't see the harm, just another reassurance that everything would be perfect right?
Wrong...
The test came back with a high risk for Downs syndrome. Downs syndrome!! I cried so hard! My perfect girl was going to have a hard life. I didn't want that for her.
We went to a specialist and did a more detailed ultrasound and were told she had cysts on her brain, four defects in her heart and only two vessels in her umbilical cord. How could my last doctor tell me everything was fine? How could that tech not see any of that?!?!
The specialist still didn't think that it was a trisomy. She didn't have clenched fists or rockerbottom feet. We saw a pediatric cardiologist who told us her heart defect was called Tetralogy of Fallot and it wasn't common in trisomy babies. There was hope!! She would need surgery but the doctors still thought she was okay!! I could continue to dream and make plans for her!!! I told my stepmom to go ahead with our shower and went with her to pick out invitations, plates/napkins! I even bought nursery furniture and bedding! My girl was going to be okay.
At our next visit my specialist asked if we wanted to go ahead with an amnio just to be sure. I thought... the doctors again said everything was okay so again it would just be reassurance right?
Wrong...
I remember the day I got the results from the amnio. I worked all day and stopped to get a milkshake on my way home in celebration of the good news I was going to be getting, got home and waited for the call. My husband answered the phone, talked for a few minutes, looked at me and said "18". I turned around, walked to Abbys room, shut the door, went to my room, fell on my bed and fell apart. I cried so deeply. I tried to get up and fell on the floor and just stayed there and cried. How could this life I am holding so closely inside me be so sick? People have healthy babies all the time, why wasn't I one of them? My baby was going to die. I had to tell my story to so many people. I had to choose on a regular basis when some well meaning stranger would come up to talk about the joy and excitment of pregnancy if I would tell them my tragedy or not.
As she continued to grow I let myself think maybe the amnio was wrong, there is always that chance right? She continued to grow and kick and I played music for her and read to her. She was still alive and growing inside me.
I prayed that if she had to go let her go while she was still inside me. I didn't want her to have to suffer through labor/delivery. I didn't want her to be taken from the warmth and security of my womb.
I got my wish...
On November 28th we went to visit family for the thanksgiving holiday. I noticed she wasn't moving very much. By that evening I hadn't felt her move all day. I drank a coke, even jumped up and down a few times and nothing. I didn't want to admit what I knew. Finally I told my husband and we set out for the hospital. Once there they used a doppler to try to find her heartbeat without any luck so they got the ultrasound machine. What a strange thing to see her heart on that monitor without motion. That heart had been the subject of so many ultrasounds up to this point I knew it well. The thing that I remember most is that her little legs were crossed at the ankles. That was her favorite position.
She was comfortable.
Labor was started that night at midnight. I don't remember the activities of that day, except my doctor breaking my water. I was so afraid to look or touch my stomach. I was afraid I would be able to see her outline or feel her through me. Mindless activities continued to pass the time while strapped to a bed waiting for something I wanted to run from. Then somewhere close to 9 that evening I was ready to push. I didn't want to I was so scared to see her. I only pushed a few times, she was breech and at one point I looked down and saw part of her tiny red body and I just...exploded. I screamed and cried.
The next thing I remember is the doctor giving her to me. She was perfect. So soft, so tiny, so beautiful. Looking back, what I wouldn't give for her to have had Down's sydrome instead.
My husband and I spent time bathing, dressing and holding her before we let family in to meet and say goodbye to our daughter.
When we told the nurse it was okay for them to take her, she was laying in one of their bassinets all wrapped up. I wanted to pick her up and hold her more but her color was changing and I wanted to remember her at her best. And that was the last time I saw my daughter..........
This last year has been a struggle. The first 2 or 3 months were the worst. We didn't celebrate Christmas or our anniversary last year. I couldn't celebrate anything. I wanted a baby so badly we started trying to conceive again as soon as we could. I found myself pregnant 2 months later. I have been going through a pregnancy with hope while mourning the loss of hope with Abigail.
I will spend today celebrating and saying goodbye to Abby. We are going to buy a christmas present for a girl who is the age Abby would be this christmas and donate it. I also made a list of the hopes and dreams I had for Abby. All those things you think all the plans you start to make for far off in the future when you first find out you are pregnant. I am going to take that list and write each hope and dream out and tie them to balloon strings and release them. And release me from their hold.
I am not closing the door on her or trying to forget her but finally say goodbye.
Goodbye my perfect wonderful beautiful daughter.
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STAY WITHIN
Don’t venture out.
Not yet.
This is to be our only time
to love and be together.
We are still one.
If only I had known
this was our time,
our only time.
SHE WAS LOVED
From the first pink line on the pregnancy test, to the hello of the peanut sized baby that was Abby she was loved.
From the first beat of her heart, to the declaration of a daddys girl she was loved.
From the first flutter of her movement, to knowing her troubles ahead she was loved.
From the moment she left her body, to the last time she was in my arms she was loved.
From this moment and always she will be loved.
TO THE CHILD IN MY HEART
O precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join your family.
We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.
I'll always be your mother.
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.
But now you're gone..but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We will forget you never-
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.
WHAT MAKES A MOTHER
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.
"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"
"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."
"I just don't understand this
God I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...
'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'
"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"
I ONLY WANTED YOU
If I could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true,
I'd pray to God with all my heart
for yesterday and you.
A thousand words can't bring you back;
I know because I've tried.
And neither will a million tears;
I know because I've cried.
You left behind a broken heart
and happy memories too.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.
NO ONE SEES
No one sees the broken heart that lies beneath my smile
No one sees the loneliness that's with me all the while
Silent tears gently fall that others do not see
For my precious daughter
Who means the world to me
ABIGAIL GRACE
Things are getting better
My days are not so long
I think of you and smile now
Your life was not all wrong
You’ve taught me to be gentle
You’ve taught me to strong
Now I know I’ll be okay
Heaven’s were you belong
My heart will always hold you
My arms will want the same
I only have my memories
But there is no one to blame
By the grace of God and a father’s love
You came into our world
That’s why my dear your name became
My one and only...
Abigail Grace
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