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Our journey began in April 2005 with 2 pink lines. We were excited & scared to death all at the same time. We had already lost a precious baby due to miscarriage in November 2003, so this put a little extra worry in our minds. But we couldn't keep our pregnancy a secret so we told our families as soon as we could. Everyone was so happy & excited because he was to be the first grandbaby for both sets of our parents. My dad, Spencer's Grandpa, remodeled a room in our house to be the nursery, khaki colored walls, baby blue trim, it's perfect.
We had a pretty good pregnancy, no major problems. Spencer always had a strong heartbeat. He was always contrary for the ultrasounds, never letting us see him very good. He was always active, especially in the middle of the night when I was trying to sleep. When I would talk to him he would be real still as if he were listening. It was the most amazing experience for me.
When I realized Spencer had not moved in awhile I knew something was wrong. I tried not to believe it, but I knew. I wanted them to tell me that again he was just being contrary, but that didn't happen. When they told me he had no heartbeat my whole being went numb. What were we going to do? How were we ever gonna get through this? How was I going to tell Cary, Spencer's daddy, he was gone? My mind was overflowing with all the what if's & why's. How do you say good-bye to your baby? How do you go on? I wanted the world to stop, but it didn't. Our little man had died & I couldn't change it.
My labor was induced 11-14-05, but the physical & emotional pain were too much to bear. Spencer was born sleeping on 11-15-05 at 34 weeks 6 days pregnant via c-section at 6:21pm. He weighed 6lbs. 9oz. and was 19 1/4in. long. He had a beatiful little face, chubby cheeks, 10 fingers and 10 toes, and a head full of brown hair, he was absolutely perfect. We were able to hold him, kiss him and love on him for a few hours before we had to let him go. This was a most precious time for us & our family. Spencer never got to live outside the womb, but he will live in our hearts forever. At this time our journey to having our baby boy ended, but Spencer's had only just begun.
In this life we will never get the chance to hear him laugh or cry. Never get to hear his first words, or see his first steps. We will never know who he would have grown up to look like. Would he have my eyes? Cary's smile? But what we do know is we will see him again. I know that I will never "get over" this tragic experience, but with the love & support of Cary & my family & my faith in God I will survive it.
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Don't let them say I wasn't born, that something
stopped my heart,
I felt each tender squeeze you gave, I loved you from
the start.
Although my body you can't hold, it doesn't mean I'm
gone,
This world was worthy not of me, God chose that I move
on,
I know the pain that drowns your soul, what you are
forced to face,
You have my word, I'll fill your arms, someday we will
embrace.
You'll hear that it was "meant to be, God doesn't make
mistakes"
But that won't soften your worst blow or make your
heart not ache.
I'm watching over all you do, another child you'll
bear,
Believe me when I say to you, that I am always there.
There will come a time, I promise you, when you will
hold my hand,
Stroke my face and kiss my lips and then you'll
understand.
Although I never breathed your air, or gazed into your
eyes,
That doesn't mean I never "was"...An Angel Never Dies
A Father's Grief
It must be very difficult
To be a man in grief,
Since "men don't cry"
and "men are strong"
No tears can bring relief.
It must be very difficult
To stand up to the test,
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.
They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"
He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.
It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too
I am going to tell you something
I hope you'll never know.
I'll tell you how a heart can break
and tears can constant flow.
I lost my baby boy, you see.
So precious in my eyes.
God chose to take his hand one-day
and led him to the skies.
But please do not forget my child,
he was a person too.
And forever he will live inside
of me and you.
So, please don't ever tell me
that time will heal my pain.
Because not even time,
can bring him back again!
Just tell me he is happy
in that land up way above.
He's snuggled in an angel's wings,
all wrapped up in our love.
- Author Unknown -
What Makes a Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this, God
I want my baby here
He took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a
Mother,
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And then they'll know you're a special one!
This is the poem my brother Cody read in memory of Spencer for me & Cary at our wedding on March 4, 2006.
To the Child in my Heart
O precious tiny sweet little one
you will always be to me,
so perfect pure and innocent just as
you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
and all that it would be,
we waited and longed for you
to come and join our family.
We never had the chance to play,
to laugh to rock to wiggle,
we long to hold you,
touch you now and listen
to you giggle.
I will always be your mommy,
he will always be your dad,
you will always be our child,
the child that we had.
Now your gone...
but yet your here,
we sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow
and our joy
there's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep
and strong,
we will forget you never.
The child we had,
but never had and yet
we'll have forever. |
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