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Miscarriage- Getting The Support You Need

By Ellen M. DuBoisTo the woman who has miscarried, the world may seem a very dreary place. One in which she feels no one understands her pain, grief, sadness. The baby she lost was as real as her tears, yet, because there was never a baby seen, her loss often is quickly dismissed or not validated for what it is: a loss like any other.

The woman who has miscarried is just like me. I miscarried in 1991 and my days were spent weeping over my empty womb and arms for months on end. There were no Internet support groups; no books that spoke to my pain; and although people were concerned, their focus was more on me than on the baby lost.

“The fetus is no longer viable”. Those were the words I heard one terrible day in May. I was four-and-a-half months pregnant and noticed some spotting. My sister accompanied me to the hospital, and in a very tiny room, lit only by the image of my dead baby on the ultrasound screen, the doctor told me my baby had ‘expired’.

When my baby died, all the hopes, wishes and dreams I had for my child died, too. It felt like the rug was ripped from under my feet and I had no solid ground to stand upon. No matter where I looked for support, I found none- other than from well meaning family and friends. Still, I felt alone. Where was the person, book or group that could tell me I wasn’t nuts for grieving over a baby nobody ever knew? Why couldn’t somebody tell me I had every right to mourn the loss of the baby I never held?

That’s what prompted me, ten years after my miscarriage, to write a small e-book called I Never Held You. Women from around the world downloaded the booklet which described the stages I went through after my miscarriage- from grief and self-blame to letting go and moving on. Five years later, I teamed up with a Psychologist and Grief Counselor, expanded my book into paperback and included sound advice on grief and more from Dr. Linda Backman, who lived the experience some thirty-years ago.

My mission has become one of reaching women who’ve suffered a miscarriage and feel like I once did: alone, isolated, and full of tears.

Validating a woman’s grief after miscarriage won’t take away her pain, but it will make her feel less crazy and far more understood. Through connection comes awareness. Through awareness comes a stronger voice. Through a stronger voice come the masses saying: Miscarriage is a very real loss and needs to be treated as such. We, the women who have miscarried need your help, support, understanding and validation of our pain.

It’s happening. Books are available and the Internet has opened countless doors to support once invisible. The over one million women in the US alone who suffer a miscarriage are finally being heard, as are those worldwide. I am honored to be a part of bringing about the realization that miscarriage is a monumental loss, but there is help, hope and most importantly, healing after miscarriage. You are not alone, I promise.

About the Author
Ellen M DuBois is the author of
Jackie’s Heart, and I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, healing and recovery gently guides a women who has miscarried through the processes of grief and the emotional roller coaster ride following with the help of Psychologist and Grief Counselor Dr. Linda Backman, who also wrote the foreword. Ellen DuBois is also a contributing author in: More God Allows U-Turns, Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Sisters by Blue Mountain Arts, Soul Matters for Teens, and Romancing the Soul.

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10 Comments on "Miscarriage- Getting The Support You Need"

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8 years 2 months ago

i miscarried in november last year and i am still not over it. i was 9weeks gone but sadly the babies stopped growin at six weeks. i think i might be pregnant again and i am really scared incase it happens again but my mum says it all happens for a reason but does it?

8 years 4 months ago

i just miscarried a little under 8 weeks. i’m only 19 and this is the 2nd child i have lost.( i had an abortion before.) and my family is not being comforting at all because they wanted this to happen. they dont care what happens to me as long as every time i get pregnant the baby dies and i hate my family so much. at least my boyfriends family wanted it and is trying to get me through this tough time

8 years 4 months ago

No not stupid at all…I miscarried back in July & my due date would of been today. I was just under 8 weeks. I had hoped to be pregnant again by now but to no avail. I have what they call high prolactin (my body thinks i’m breast feeding) therefore i can’t get pregnant. I’m taking tablets to reduce the prolcatin & it’s working. Now i just have to try & get pregnant again.

8 years 5 months ago

I just had a miscarriage this morning, and I’m worried that other women who had later miscarriages might think it’s stupid of me to be upset over mine when I was only 5 weeks 2 days. Just because I couldn’t even see a fetus doesn’t mean it never existed or I should be less hurt.

8 years 5 months ago
I miscarried on Nov. 29,2010 it was the worse day of my life. I had hoped for that baby when everyone told me it was happening. I passed the baby at home right after I had just left the doctors office to check my HCG levels. The doctors told me I had a bad egg that it was no big deal they made it out to be nothing, like my baby was nothing. I have had no support in this from anyone really. I had dreams for that baby. That baby was and still will be everything to me. It… Read more »
8 years 8 months ago

This is so true. After I miscarried my baby in late May, everyone expected me to get over it by the end of the week, and no one could understand why I was so torn up over it. I cannot count how many times I heard “well, it wasn’t really a baby yet”, or “there was obviously something wrong with it, it’s not a big deal”.
Once you see that baby, hear it’s heartbeat, it becomes YOUR baby, and it is so nice to see support instead of people trying to get you over it.

Nannette Griffith
8 years 11 months ago
I just got home yesterday from having a miscarriage Aug.9, 2010. Our Jesse went home to be with the Lord, it was a horrible delievery, i almost died, I also have Lupus that wasn’t what did this the OB said it was one of the medicines another doctor should have taken me off it was pure medical screw up and now my child is gone, I am gone. I dont’ even know how to cope and my church is planning a memorial for my family and I have to say goodbye when I never got to say hello. This hurts.

[…] the fetus grows older, the chances of miscarriage decrease. However, the emotional pain that comes with miscarriage increases with increasing fetal […]

10 years 3 months ago

i just had a miscarriage at 19 weeks. they are less rare then earlier on. take good care of yourself.

10 years 3 months ago

hi i read the article above and its very sad any lost.but i am just wondering-isn”t rare to have a miscarriage at 4 months pregnant?I tough after ur 12 months u are unlike to have miscarriage.Is that true?thank you.(i am 12 weeks now)

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